It Could Be Worse
by DysphoricPink
Summary: Susan End didn't expect to be stuck babysitting her little brother for two weeks. She also didn't expect to end up looking after ten S-class criminals from another universe. Add a carnivorous mutant rabbit to the mix and they've got one BIG problem. It's Akatsuki vs. suburbia in this action-packed, hilariously odd and sometimes touching odyssey. TO BE CONTINUED!
1. Summertime Blues with Red Clouds

Greetings! Welcome to my first _Naruto _fanfiction. I've been a fan of the series for a while now and thought I'd try my hand at writing a fic about what would happen if everybody's favorite group of cartoon criminals, the Akatsuki, somehow ended up traveling to the real world and ended up landing in a random household in America. I've tried not to make this too lame, but it's also pretty funny if I don't say so myself. Reviews are greatly appreciated, whether they are good or bad. Flames are not encouraged, but I can take any crap you shovel at me.

Please note that the rating may go up because of the language used in the story. It might as well be M because of Hidan's nasty mouth.

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters of _Naruto_. They are all property of their very talented creator, Masashi Kishimoto. Nor do I own rights to any music, movies, or television shows that will be referenced in this story. Don't expect any song lyrics to be woven into the text. If you want to know what the songs are, I encourage you to look them up on your own time. Any opinions expressed in the story are strictly those of the characters (I have little to no control over what comes out of their mouths).

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Chapter 1

Summertime Blues with Little Red Clouds

"**A severe thunderstorm warning has been issued for the following counties…**"

Susan End turned the radio up as the front right tire of her blue Honda Civic dipped into a pothole in the parking lot. A loud thump rocked the car and a brown paper bag tipped over in the backseat, its contents clinking warningly.

That was the fifth pothole she'd hit today. If she ran over any more, she thought one of her tires was going to give out; or worse, the suspension would go. As broke as she was with miniscule finances for little more than Chinese takeout and the rent on her apartment, a busted tire was the last thing she needed drilling a hole into her Swiss cheese bank account.

"…**Expected to arrive in these areas somewhere around two o'clock this afternoon. Conditions include pea sized hail and winds up to seventy miles an hour…**"

'Great,' thought Susan, 'I could have gone all summer without hearing that.' She parked the car and pulled the keys out of the ignition. It was already two o'clock. She glanced up at the darkening sky as she quickly walked toward a brick building with a large sign that read "Over the Rainbow Antiques". It was her grandmother's store and Susan hadn't bothered with calling ahead to announce her visit. She figured the old woman would enjoy a surprise visit, as she was known to make plenty of them herself.

The bell jingled above the door when Susan entered, and she could hear the familiar chime of The Chordettes singing "_Mr. Sandman_" from the speakers connected to a record player on a nearby table.

No sooner had she set foot on the welcome mat when she was startled by an ecstatic old lady with frizzy white hair who appeared out of nowhere with an arm full of rusty bear traps.

"Susan!" the lady greeted, her smile stretching the wrinkles around her mouth like rubber bands. Her glasses slid down her nose as she hefted the metal contraptions closer to her chest.

"I wasn't expecting my oldest grandkid to pay me a visit today," she said. One of the traps fell to the floor and Susan bent down to pick it up.

"Grandma, why don't you let me take those," she said, straightening herself up and holding her hands out only to have the entire burden dumped into her arms. The traps were so heavy that Susan almost fell over, but she braced her knees and caught herself before she could completely lose her balance. Her grandmother patted her heartily on the shoulder before motioning for her to follow.

"Still willing to do heavy lifting, I see," said her grandmother.

"You're eighty years old, Grams. You shouldn't be doing this by yourself," said Susan.

Her grandmother shook her head. Wisps of white hair that had gotten loose from her messy braid swayed around her ears like cottonwood seeds in the breeze.

"I've been doing it all my life," she said, rounding the side of a glass display case that served as a countertop. A large, silver antique cash register towered above an assortment of costume jewelry arranged tastefully on blue velvet draping.

Susan didn't feel like getting into an argument, not when her personal complaint box was already full to capacity. The old woman could be stubborn but at least she was obliged to let Susan do strenuous work when she offered. When she was younger, Susan spent a lot of time in the antique store moving heavy boxes and shelves for her grandparents. It was her first and only paying job throughout high school. She left it before her grandparents could rope her into inheriting the business.

"Put those down over there," her grandmother pointed to a large cardboard box in the corner. Susan dropped the traps with a sigh.

"Finally getting rid of these?" she asked.

Grandma rubbed her lower back and looked warily at the stack of boxes in front of her.

"I don't know why your grandpa talked me into keeping them," she said. "I'm clearing out all the stuff that doesn't sell."

"It's about time," said Susan.

"That's what I say," said Grandma with a chuckle. She looked at Susan and her smile grew wider as she opened her arms to her granddaughter. "Come here and let me see that ring on your finger."

Susan came closer and held out her left hand, which her grandmother snatched in both of her wrinkly ones. She pulled Susan closer to inspect the shimmering diamond adorning the gold band on her ring finger. Grandma squinted an eye at the large stone and clucked her tongue.

"I must say, that boyfriend of yours has extravagant taste," she said.

Susan smiled wanly. "It isn't _that_ big," she said.

Grandma looked up at her. "Have you set a wedding date?"

"No."

The old woman released her hand and picked up a clipboard from the counter.

"Well, you'd better pick one soon because I might not live long enough to see you in a white dress," she said, walking away. Susan followed her down an aisle of shelves filled with old toys.

"Don't say stuff like that. If you're strong enough to haul bear traps around..." started Susan.

Grandma waved her hand in dismissal. "Point taken," she said, looking over her shoulder at Susan. "But sometime this year would be nice. Just in case."

Susan snorted, holding back a rueful smile. "We'll see. There are still some _things_ we have to work out," she said.

Susan wasn't expecting Robert to propose to her. She didn't want to turn him down, but she didn't really mean to say yes either. Before she could stop herself, she blurted the answer she thought he wanted to hear. After that, everything started to go downhill. For one thing she started pondering her future, which had drastically changed course the moment she agreed to marry Robert. They didn't even live together and Susan still had two more years of college left. She wanted a career before marriage, and at a mere twenty-one years old—with an unfinished double major in college, looming student loans, and lousy luck in the job market that landed her an okay paycheck working in a Mom and Pop coffee shop—she was standing on unstable ground to say the least.

Even though Robert had a steady job and came from a wealthy family, Susan realized that she wasn't ready for a commitment of this magnitude—especially after she discovered Robert's dirty little secret: he had been carrying on a relationship with another woman for who knows how long. Susan accidentally came across some suspect text messages (suspect meaning explicitly erotic) when she was using his cell phone, and she had confronted him about it. Caught with his hand in the cookie jar, Robert tried to make it go away with lame excuses, but Susan saw right through them. She hadn't spoken to him for over a week now. She hadn't even told her family about it and would remain quiet until she made the decision of whether or not to forgive Robert.

To top it all off, she had reduced her work hours for the next two weeks so that she could have time to look after her little brother while their parents flew down to Alabama. They were going to attend a funeral and visit some friends while they were there. Meanwhile, Susan could kiss half of next month's rent goodbye while she was "babysitting" her twelve-year-old brother at the house.

Talk about floating up Shits Creek without a canoe.

"That reminds me," she said. "I need to find a birthday present for Mark."

"We celebrated it the other day," said Grandma. Susan noted that she didn't even try to mask the disappointment in her voice. "Remind me again why you didn't come to his birthday party."

"I was busy. I had to work," said Susan, hoping that her grandmother wouldn't pursue a quarrel over the responsibilities of work and family.

"He was counting on you this time…"

"Yeah, well, I couldn't help it," said Susan. "He's going to ignore me unless I bring him something that will once again make me worthy of his respect. Can you help me out?"

"I might have something. Wait here," said the old woman. She disappeared to the back of the store and returned moments later holding a wooden box. She handed it to Susan.

"What's this?" asked Susan, turning the item this way and that.

"It's a himitsu-bako."

"A what?"

"A puzzle box."

Upon closer inspection, she could make out the inlaid patterns on the box, probably made from different types of wood judging by the varying shades and the direction of the grain. There was a red cloud pattern carved into the top, its curling design outlined in gold paint.

"Grandpa brought it back from one of his trips to Japan," said Grandma. "He always liked these mysterious little things."

Susan searched for a visible seam on the box, but it didn't appear to be the kind of box that was meant to be opened.

"How does it work?" she asked, tipping it back and forth. It was small enough to fit in the palm of her hand, but there was a heaviness to it that suggested that there was something inside.

"You have to open it carefully. It's quite old," said Grandma. "There are tiny little compartments in there, and you have to figure out which way to move the panels in order to get at what's inside."

"Hmm." Susan pushed her thumb against the side of the box to see if she could move something, but it didn't budge.

"Grandpa could never get the darn thing open. Most of them are easy to figure out, but this one is a bit different. Maybe Mark will have better luck with it," said Grandma.

"You said it's from Japan?" said Susan. Grandma nodded her head and went back to checking items on her clipboard.

"Give it to Mark. Maybe he'll forgive you for forgetting to at least call him on his birthday," said Grandma

The old woman's words stung a little, but Susan supposed she deserved it. Saying that she couldn't find the time to call her little brother on his birthday was not a valid excuse in Grandma's book. The old lady didn't own a cell phone yet she managed to keep in touch with everyone and return calls on time, whether she did it with a payphone or a paper cup tied to a string.

"What do I owe you for this?" asked Susan, looking for a price sticker on the box.

"Just take it, dear. It's too precious to sell."

Susan tucked the box into her purse and hugged her grandmother. "Thanks, Grams. I'll buy you a bottle of gin next time I'm up this way," she said. If there was anything Susan could use to barter forgiveness from her grandma, it was a bottle of spirits. Lord knows the woman enjoyed a little drinky-drinky on the weekends; it was one of her few vices.

The old woman chuckled dryly and returned the squeeze before pulling away to look searchingly into Susan's eyes.

"You look so serious all the time," she said. She smiled gently, cradling her granddaughter's face in her withered hands. "Aren't you happy?"

Susan pushed the corners of her mouth into what felt like a smile. "I am happy, Grams."

Grandma tilted her head to the side and Susan could see the skepticism etched into her craggy face. "Lying isn't very becoming of you," she said, her brown eyes dark with scolding sincerity.

Just then, Susan's cell phone started ringing, interrupting their little staring contest. Susan sighed and pulled her phone out of her purse. She didn't need to look at the screen to know who was calling. She flipped it open.

"Hi, Mom," she said.

"Hi honey! Your dad and I are at the airport and we're about to get on the plane! Are you at the house?"

Susan winced as her mother's tinny voice shot out of her phone and stabbed her right in the eardrum. "You don't need to yell, Mom. I can hear you just fine," she said.

"I can barely hear you, honey!"

Susan sighed again. "I'm not at the house yet," she said.

"_What?_"

"Mom, turn the volume up on your phone!"

"_What?_"

Susan swore under her breath. It had been four months since her mother got her first cell phone. When would she figure out how to operate the damn thing?

"I'm not at the house yet!"

"Oh! Well…okay! Will you be there soon?"

"Yes, Mom!"

"Honey, are you okay! You sound kind of crabby!"

'No, Mom, I'm not okay. I'm afraid I may be making the biggest mistake of my life by agreeing to marry a cheating douche bag. And you're killing my eardrum!' thought Susan, shaking her head.

"Yes, Mom! I'll be at the house soon! Bye!" Susan hung up before her mother could yell some more.

"That who I think it was?" asked Grandma. Susan shoved her phone into the pocket of her jeans.

"Yeah. I better get going before Mark burns down the house or something." She kissed her grandmother on the cheek. "Thanks again."

On her way out of the store, she heard her grandmother call after her.

"Smile, dear! You look like an old hag with that ugly crease between your eyebrows!"

^.^ ^.^ ^.^

It had begun to rain when Susan pulled into the driveway of her parents' house. She grabbed her duffle bag full of clothes out of the trunk and hefted it onto her shoulder before heading into the house. She found the door unlocked and made a mental note to scold her little brother for not remembering to lock up the house when he was home alone. Little brothers were such a pain.

"Hello?" she called as she kicked her shoes off in the entryway. Her little brother came around the corner, eating a candy bar.

"Hey," said Mark.

"Mom and Dad told you to lock the door when they left. Why didn't you do it?" she asked.

"I forgot," he said. Susan sighed.

"Wrong answer," she said. Mark watched her coolly as she dropped her bag onto the floor.

"I just forgot, okay? I'll remember next time," said Mark. Susan looked him over for a moment. He didn't look happy to see her; that was for sure.

"Don't I get a hug?" she asked, holding out her arms.

"I don't think you deserve one," he said, leaning against the wall and casually taking a bite out of his candy bar. Susan sighed and dropped her arms.

"I'm sorry I missed your birthday," she said. "But you know how it is for me. I've got all these things to do and…"

"Yeah, I know. You just don't have time for me anymore," said Mark, pushing away from the wall and heading for the kitchen.

"It's not like that," said Susan, moving quickly to follow him.

"You don't have to sugarcoat it for me," said Mark. "I may be a kid but I don't need you to dumb down the harsh realities of the multifaceted adult world."

Susan was slightly taken aback. When did her little brother get such a big vocabulary?

"I couldn't make it because I had to work," she said.

"You didn't call. You always called if you couldn't make it out here to see me," he said as he opened the refrigerator and started looking around.

"I…I forgot," she said. Mark slammed the refrigerator door shut and glared at her.

"You forget a lot of things these days," he said.

"What do you want from me? I'm working my ass off just to stay afloat!" she said, clenching her hands at her sides.

"You can always move back home if you're doing that bad, or maybe move in with Robert," said Mark.

"I'm doing okay and I don't need Robert's help with anything," she said defensively.

"You guys are engaged. Why don't you just move in together?" asked Mark, giving her a look that said why-are-you-being-so-dumb?

"We're having some…problems, but that's not the issue right now," said Susan. She took the puzzle box out of her purse.

"Here. Happy birthday," she said, holding it out to him. Mark looked at it hesitantly before reaching out to take it from her.

"What's this?" he asked.

"It's called a himitsu-bako, from Japan," said Susan.

Mark curiously turned the box this way and that. He ran his finger over the cloud pattern on its top.

"What do I do with it?" he asked.

"It's a puzzle box. You're supposed to be able to move the panels around to get it open," said Susan. Mark had already begun to fiddle with it.

"They won't move," he said.

"Careful so you don't break it," said Susan. "It's practically an antique."

"It's heavy," he said, shaking it up and down. A dull jingling noise came from inside it.

"I said be careful," said Susan. She crossed her arms over her chest. "Well? What do you think of it?"

"It's kind of cool, I guess," said Mark.

Susan was expecting a thank you, but she decided not to push it.

"Good. I'm gonna go take a shower. I just worked an all-night shift at the café and I feel like a dirt bag," she said, taking her bag and heading upstairs.

Mark ignored her and went into the living room. He sat down on the couch and proceeded to fiddle with the puzzle box some more. It took some strength to slide one of the side panels just a quarter of an inch. Mark's thumbs were starting to hurt from the effort, but he continued on, determined to open the box and see what was hiding inside it.

It had begun to downpour outside as Susan turned on the shower in the bathroom. She stepped under the spray and let out a long sigh of relief as the warm water coursed over her tense shoulders and down her back.

Mark put more effort into pushing the panels as they moved little by little under his fingers. He peeked into one of the cracks and saw something glimmering inside. He shook the box and it rattled a little louder. All of the sudden a crack of thunder shook the house as a bright blue glow shot out of the cracks in the box, and Mark dropped it in surprise. The box bounced once on the carpet before landing under the coffee table, but Mark had lost sight of it because in a split second his vision went black with little red clouds.

A tremendous crack of thunder made the house quake and the lights flickered. Susan turned the water off and quickly wrapped herself in a towel. She pushed the shower curtain aside and froze mid-step.

Standing before her were two cloaked men.

Her first reaction was to scream, but her legs started working before her vocal cords could utter a sound. She lunged over the edge of the tub, narrowly avoiding one of the intruders, and threw the door open, but she felt something wrap around her upper arm, tightening painfully and jerking her back into the bathroom. Susan stumbled backwards and grabbed a hold of the doorframe with her free hand, preventing herself from falling. The knot that was holding the towel around her started to slip.

She opened her mouth to scream when she heard her brother yelling downstairs. Oh God, did someone get a hold of him, too? Why didn't she lock the damn door?

"Mark!"

Susan looked back and saw that one of her attackers—a tall man with blue skin—had her by the arm. She started to shout and thrash, but his hand gripped her like a vice.

"Let go!" she said.

The blue man started speaking to her, but she couldn't understand what he was saying. The words that were coming out of his mouth weren't in English. His hand was like iron as he squeezed her arm tighter. Susan let out a cry and twisted around, causing the loosened towel to fall away from her.

A cool draft of air hit her bare skin and Susan stopped struggling. The blue man sucked in a breath and she felt his grip weaken. This was her chance. Susan jerked her arm free, grabbed the towel from the floor, and took off down the stairs, wrapping the towel around her again.

However, her rapid travel was halted when she encountered two more cloaked men at the bottom of the stairs. One of them was yelling in the same foreign language. She darted to the left and ran into the living room where a sight stopped her dead in her tracks.

There was another pair of cloaked people in the living room. One of them—a man with bright orange hair—had Mark cornered on the sofa. The other one—a woman with odd blue hair—was standing beside the man, also leaning over Mark. There was something in the guy's hand. The object's metallic glint told her that it was probably a knife, or a gun. Shit. Susan suddenly felt like she had been slugged in the chest. Had she forgotten to breath while she was running? She managed to pull enough air into her lungs to confront them.

"Hey!"

The woman with blue hair looked over her shoulder at Susan. The high collar of her black cloak hid half of her face.

"Pain-sama," she said, her voice little more than a hush.

The man with orange hair turned his head slightly, and Susan could see his profile. There were thick bars pierced through his ear, and she could see similar black knobs lining the bridge of his nose and the underside of his lower lip.

"Leave him alone!" ordered Susan.

The woman turned to face her and lifted her hands. Shit, shit, shit! She's going to pull a gun on me, thought Susan.

Right then someone tackled her from behind. The air flew out of her lungs as she landed flat on the carpet, crushed under the weight of whoever was on top of her. They were speaking to her in that same foreign language. It sounded like Japanese. What the hell was going on?

Someone grabbed her by the hair and roughly jerked her head up, and something cold and sharp was pressed against her throat.

"Wait, wait, wait!" screamed Mark.

"What…the…fuck," Susan gasped. She could hear her neck creak as whomever had grabbed her hair pulled her head up farther.

"Pain! Your name is Pain, right?" said Mark. Susan watched from the floor as the man with orange hair turned to look at her brother. Mark looked from him to the blue haired woman.

"And you're Konan," he said.

The woman said something unintelligible.

"I don't think…they understand…English," Susan struggled out. The blade pressed even harder to her throat.

Mark tried to sit up, but the one called Konan laid a hand on his shoulder to hold him still.

"Do you speak English?" he asked, looking hopefully between the two. A few seconds passed in silence. Susan's vision was starting to grow fuzzy. It was getting harder to breathe with the weight on her back.

"English?" Mark tried again. "Can you understand me?"

Susan could hear others talking in the background. She tried to turn her head to see who else was in the room, but the person on top of her pulled her hair even harder to still her.

"You know our names," said the orange haired man. His English was perfect.

More chatter erupted from the other side of the room, all in flawless English. Well, almost flawless, thought Susan.

"Where are we?"

"How the fuck should I know where we are, stupid!"

"Maybe Tobi should find a map!" Footsteps tapped quickly out of the room.

"Yeah, you go do that, un. And while you're at it, why don't you go find a brain that actually works."

"All of you shut up." The person sitting on her back finally spoke.

"How do you know our names?" asked the orange haired man, Pain.

"Well, uh…" Mark scratched the back of his head and looked at Susan.

"Spit it out, boy," said someone behind Susan.

"Does he know all of our names?" someone else asked.

"Yes, I do," said Mark.

"Where the fuck are we? And who the fuck are these two fuckers?" Someone kicked Susan in the leg.

"One question at a time, Hidan," said the guy on top of her.

Someone knelt down next to her, craning his head to study Susan while giving her a chance to study his appearance as well. His eyes were a translucent shade of red, or were they violet? His hair was almost white, smoothed down flat against his skull. There was a look of distaste twisting his otherwise perfectly symmetrical features.

"Looks like we caught this bitch at the wrong time," he said.

Susan gasped as she felt someone lift the towel covering her rear end. They emitted a low whistle and someone else cackled.

"Sure does," they said.

"Me and Itachi got quite an eyeful up there," said someone else with a low chuckle.

Susan groaned, wanting to smack her head on the floor. She forgot that she had accidentally "flashed" the two guys she met in the bathroom. Of course the guy would brag about it. He was a man, after all.

Someone new stepped into her line of vision. He had long, straw-colored hair that partially covered his face. A headband adorned his forehead, its metal plate bearing an etched symbol with a line slashed through it. She noted that the one called Pain was wearing a similar headband as well.

"She doesn't look so good, un," said the blonde. "Better give her some room to breathe, Kakuzu."

"She's fine. Chances are she won't be needing to breath soon anyway," said Kakuzu, the one who was sitting on her.

Susan swallowed hard, her mouth suddenly going dry. They meant to kill her and Mark. They had broken into the house, and now they were going to kill them and do God knows what with their bodies. Judging by the look of the identical black cloaks (were those red clouds?) these people were wearing, Susan guessed that they were probably members of some sort of cult. Maybe they were going to use her and Mark as human sacrifices. Good lord, what did she do to deserve this?

A blur of black and orange landed in front of her with a loud thud. Susan flinched and cracked an eye open to find herself nose to…mask with yet another stranger.

"Tobi didn't find a map, but he found something even better!" he said, his voice a bright, sugary timbre.

Susan could see right into the little hole in his odd-looking mask. What the hell was wrong with his eye? It looked kind of...

"How do you know our names?" Pain's voice cut through the air like a knife. Everyone immediately turned toward the sofa where Mark was struggling to keep his trembling under control.

"I, uh, I've heard a lot about you," he said. "You could say you guys are, uh, famous around here."

"Famous?" said Konan.

"Yeah. People have written stories about you," said Mark.

"Stories?" said Konan. She looked at Pain.

Stories? Susan knit her eyebrows together. What kind of stories were these and why hadn't she heard of them? There was no way these guys were famous. They looked like they might be notorious for committing illegal acts such as murder or petty larceny, but not famous. They just didn't give off that vibe.

"Before you ask any more questions, could you please let my sister go get some clothes on?" said Mark.

Everyone looked at Susan, whose cheeks began to burn with embarrassment.

"I swear we're not going to do anything rash here," said Mark. "We don't even know how to fight—"

"Mark!" Susan yelped as the pressure of the blade against her neck started to hurt. Mark just had to go and tell them something as stupid as that. They wouldn't fall for that, whether it was true or not.

"Kakuzu, you escort her," said Pain.

The weight left her back and Kukuzu let go of her hair. "Get up," he ordered.

Relieved to have the blade away from her neck, Susan rose to her feet, clutching the towel tightly to her as she turned to face her "escort". If she thought the people she had seen so far were weird looking, they had nothing on this guy. Pupil-less green irises floated in his bloodshot eyes and a white cowl concealed most of his features. He had to be butt-ugly if he was wearing something as goofy as that.

"You lead the way," he said, pointing some sort of knife at her.

"Watch her carefully, Kakuzu," said Pain.

Susan led him out of the living room, passing several more strangers on her way. There was the blue man, a guy with creepy red eyes, a relatively normal looking guy with shaggy auburn hair, and a giant Venus fly trap.

Wait, what?

Susan stopped and did a double take. Yep, that thing, or man, looked like he was wearing a plant suit. And he was multi-colored—half black and half white. That certainly was a look she hadn't seen yet.

Kakuzu poked her in the back with his kunai. "Get moving."

"I must be dreaming," she muttered, starting up the stairs.

When they arrived in her bedroom, Susan retrieved the closest articles of clothing she could find—a sports bra, panties, jean shorts and a t-shirt. She turned to Kakuzu, who was standing beside her, waiting.

"Can I get some privacy?" she asked.

He narrowed his eyes at her. "I'm not letting you out of my sight."

"I don't trust you either, you know," she said, adjusting the towel over her chest.

"Humph. I'm not interested. Just get dressed or I will send you down there naked," he said.

Susan frowned and reluctantly turned her back to him. She took a deep breath and dropping her towel.

Meanwhile, down in the living room, Mark was staring wide-eyed at his captors. The Akatsuki was standing right here in his living room. It really was them! They were here, in his house, talking to him! If he wasn't feeling so scared, Mark would have cried with joy. And probably peed his pants.

A few minutes ticked by in near silence. Some of the Akatsuki members were wandering about, touching and prodding things, picking up objects—framed pictures and various pieces of décor—and examining them, and in Deidara's case…licking them.

Hidan was looking out the window. "Where the hell are we?" he asked.

"America," said Mark.

"What the fuck is an America?" said Hidan, turning to look confusedly at him.

"It's a country," said Mark.

"You were saying that our organization is well known," said Pain. "There are very few who know of Akatsuki."

"And they usually end up dead," someone piped up in the background.

"You guys are…how do I put this…" Mark rubbed his forehead thoughtfully. "You guys are like celebrities."

"We do not desire fame," said Pain.

Mark tried to think of how to explain their existence in reality. He couldn't quite believe that he was actually seeing them in three-dimensional glory. They were here in the flesh, and therefore that made them real. Alive. Touchable. They were supposed to be figments of imagination. Mark decided that he couldn't show them the mangas in which they were featured. There was no telling what they would do if they found out that they were just a bunch of cartoons.

Crap! Mark had gone about this the wrong way. He shouldn't have opened his mouth and started blabbing about how the members of Akatsuki were celebrities. They were supposed to be a secret organization, all cloak and dagger-like. Something told Mark that they wouldn't appreciate having a fan base that consisted of nerds and, well, nerds.

"What I meant to say was that there _are_ very few people who know about you, but your organization is also very well respected," he said, hoping that he was treading in the right direction. As long as they remained ignorant of the truth, there would be no freak-outs.

"And people have…documented our lives?" said Konan.

"Well, no," Mark lied. He, of course, knew almost everything there was to know about each member of Akatsuki. But he would never confess that to his favorite villains. "But they know what you do for a living."

"Which is?" asked Kisame. He stepped up beside the couch and was now towering over Mark. Man, that guy was the size of a freaking building.

"I-I don't really know myself," said Mark. "Like I said, I've only heard stories."

Kisame bent down so he was mere inches from Mark's face. "Something stinks here. You're not telling us the truth," he said. Mark shivered at the sight of his sharp teeth.

"I-I wouldn't lie to you," said Mark, pressing himself further into the couch cushions. "I've only heard t-that you guys kill people…f-for money."

Kisame looked skeptically at him before straightening himself up and looking at Pain, who appeared to be looking contemplatively at Mark.

"Explain how we have come to be here," said Konan.

"That's the problem," said Mark. "I, uh, I don't know how you guys got here."

"Well that's just fucking great," said Hidan. "One minute I was in Grass country fighting some loser and the next minute I'm standing in some other loser's house in _A-mer-i-ca_."

"Look, I honestly don't know how you got here," said Mark. "You guys just appeared out of thin air."

"It sure didn't feel like we appeared out of thin air," said Kisame. "I felt like I was being put through a damn clothes wringer."

"Fuckin' A," said Hidan. "I'm still hurting from that little teleportation trip."

"Tobi doesn't feel so good either," said Tobi, appearing from behind Kisame. There were some grunts of agreement from the others.

Mark peered between Kisame and Tobi to see Itachi standing apart from the group like a statue. It looked like he was trying to burn a hole through Mark with his eyes. So far Mark hadn't heard a peep out of him, but he supposed that was to be expected. Itachi rarely spoke but when he did, it was usually something on a need-to-know basis.

"There has to be a reason why we were brought here," said Konan. "If it wasn't you who initiated the teleportation, than it must have been someone else. Someone close to you."

"What about the girl?" said Deidara.

"You mean my sister?" said Mark. "She doesn't even know who you guys are."

"She could be working for someone who does," said Kisame.

Mark snorted. "She works in a coffee shop, dude. If there are any conspiracy groups operating out of that place, I don't think they would be trying to make contact with rogue ninjas."

Kisame frowned at him, obviously not amused. Mark withered under his glare but was momentarily saved when Kakuzu entered the room with a now fully dressed Susan.

"Would someone please explain what is going on here?" said Susan, inching away from Kakuzu with her arms wrapped tightly around herself. He hadn't even let her run a brush through her damp hair, which was starting to curl as it dried.

"We're all clueless here," said Mark.

"What are you doing in our house?" asked Susan, looking from one stranger to the other.

"Nobody knows, woman. Didn't you hear the kid?" said Kisame.

"Who the hell are you people?" said Susan.

"None of your b—" Kisame was interrupted by Mark.

"Susan, this is Pain, Konan, Kisame, Hidan, Deidara, Kakuzu, Tobi, Sasori, Itachi, and Zetsu," said Mark, pointing to each one. "Everyone meet my sister Susan."

Tobi waved at her. "Hi, Susan!"

Everyone else groaned at his inappropriate enthusiasm. Deidara swore under his breath as he slapped a hand over his face.

"'Susan'? What the hell kind of name is that?" asked Hidan.

"What the hell kind of name is 'Hidan'?" Susan shot back, placing her hands on her hips.

"And who are you?" Konan asked Mark.

"I'm Mark."

"Shit, and I thought Susan was a dumb name," said Hidan. Susan gave him a dirty look. This guy had a filthy mouth with a personality to boot.

"Enough," said Pain, shooting Hidan a glare.

A clap of thunder made Susan jump. Deidara moved to the window and gazed outside. "I say we get out of here and look for a way home, hmm," he said.

"No!" said Mark, springing up from the couch. Pain and Konan were immediately on either side of him, ready for an attack. He looked at the two, panicked. "You can't go out there!" said Mark.

"Why not?" said Deidara.

"Because not everybody out there knows who you are, or what you are," said Mark. "They probably wouldn't like you guys very much if you came up to them and started threatening them for directions."

"We're not out to make friends, kid," said Kisame.

"You don't understand," said Mark. "The environment here can be…hostile. You'd be taking your lives into your own hands if you went out there alone. Besides you'll get lost and…"

"We'll take our chances. We can't just sit here and do nothing, un," said Deidara.

The sound of an engine rumbled outside, and both Hidan and Deidara rushed to press their noses to the window.

"What is _that_ thing?" said Deidara, watching a large, hulking vehicle go by on the street.

"That would be a garbage truck," said Susan. "Haven't you ever seen one before?"

Deidara had half of his face smooshed against the glass as he continued to watch the garbage truck lumber into the distance. "No…"

"Susan, they're not from around here," said Mark. "They don't have cars and stuff where they come from."

"What do you mean they don't have cars where they come from?" said Susan.

"What's a car?" said Deidara.

"See?" said Mark, shrugging his shoulders at his sister.

"I can't believe this," said Susan, squeezing her eyes shut and pinching the bridge of her nose. "I don't understand any of this! You guys come in here dressed like super villains and…are you guys in a cult or something?"

"Psht. One of us, maybe," said Kisame, looking at Hidan.

"They just appeared out of nowhere," said Mark.

"So are we your hostages now?" said Susan, eyeing the kunai in Kukuzu's hand.

"I don't see how it would be useful to keep you two as prisoners. You have not made any attempts to harm us," said Pain.

"This is your home," said Konan. "And we are your guests."

"Whether you like it or not," said Kisame, grinning at Susan.

"We will stay here until we figure this out," said Pain. He looked around at his comrades. "I will not heed any objections."

"Don't try anything, either," said Kakuzu, glaring at Susan. "Unless you enjoy fighting outnumbered and outmatched."

"Who are you guys? I mean, what is it that you…do?" said Susan.

"We're ninjas!" said Tobi, pumping his fist in the air.

Susan broke into laughter. Everyone watched her in un-amusement as her laughter reached hysterical volume, tears springing to her eyes. She looked and felt like she was on the verge of crying.

"I'm dreaming this," she said between giggles. "Ninjas…that's a good one!"

"It's not a joke," said Itachi, stepping closer to the group, his red eyes planted coldly on Susan. She stopped laughing.

Mark could sense the mounting tension coming from the Uchiha. As far as Mark knew, Itachi did not possess a sense of humor and he didn't tolerate humor from others. His Sharingan could ruin minds. Mark needed to break his focus on Susan lest she wanted to end up with brain damage.

"Who's hungry?" he asked.

* * *

So? How did I do? Reviews would be nice. I know that if you're lazy like me, you don't like to take time out to review stuff, but I'd appreciate it if you at least gave some feedback on this chapter. If you do that, I won't bug you for anything more.

Thanks for reading. A new chapter will be here soon :)


	2. Barbecue Heaven and Bedtime Bummers

Hey! As promised, here's the second chapter. I've been banging this story out nonstop since I started it and I hope the rush continues so that I may put new chapters up before the story goes cold. Somehow I don't think that will happen with this story anytime soon, but it has happened with others in the past. I don't abandon my stories if they're left unfinished. I simply set them aside for a while and come back to them when I'm good and ready.

Thanks for the reviews so far! You guys are awesome! And to some of you who caught my little spelling error reagarding Kakuzu's name, thanks for reminding me of its proper spelling. I didn't realize that I was spelling it "Kukuzu" instead of "Kakuzu". My finger automatically strays to the wrong key whenever I type out his name, but I am correcting that little impulse as I go along. Most, if not all, of those errors have been corrected in the first chapter. I'm pretty compulsive about spelling and grammar even though I make plenty of those mistakes.

Disclaimer: I own nothing that belongs to the brilliant Masashi Kishimoto, nor do I own rights to any songs, movies, TV shows, video games, books, or other popular media that is referenced in this story. Any opinions expressed in the story are strictly those of the characters, blah, blah, blah. Have I covered everything? Oh yeah, the OCs are mine, all mine.

Here we go!

* * *

Chapter 2

Barbecue Heaven and Bedtime Bummers

"Who's hungry?"

There was a long pause as the crowd of S-class criminals looked at one another.

Tobi raised his hand. "Tobi's hungry!"

"Anyone else?" said Mark.

"I could eat," said Kisame.

"Me too, un," said Deidara, holding up his hands to show off the grinning mouths on his palms.

Susan covered her mouth with her hand. "Oh my god…"

One of the mouths opened and wagged its tongue at her.

Susan quickly walked over to Mark and grabbed him by the arm, pulling him away from the group. She flashed Pain and Konan a fake smile. "Would you excuse us for a moment?" she asked but didn't wait for an answer as she dragged her little brother out of the room and into the kitchen across the hall.

"We have to get these freaks out of here," she said. "Mom and Dad will throw a fit if they find out that you let total strangers stay in their house."

"They don't have anywhere else to go," said Mark.

"I don't care! That guy has mouths on his hands!" said Susan.

"So?" said Mark, crossing his arms.

"How can you be so cool about this? They're a bunch of mutants!" she said.

"That's a good way to put it," said Mark. He looked over his shoulder to see if any of their guests had followed them into the kitchen and, seeing that they were alone, pulled his sister closer to him.

"What I'm going to tell you will sound crazy, but bear with me," he whispered. Susan shook her head but listened anyway.

"I think they came from another dimension, like someplace that's not our reality but instead it exists in an imaginary sense," he said.

"So you're saying that they're hallucinations," said Susan. Oh yeah, that sounded reasonable.

"No," said Mark. "They're fictional characters from a comic called _Naruto_ and somehow they've become real."

"That doesn't even make sense. How did you come up with that theory?" said Susan.

"Maybe because I have a bunch of _Naruto_ manga up in my room?" said Mark, looking at her like she was an imbecile. "I know almost everything about these guys."

"No way."

Mark looked her sincerely in the eyes. "I'm not joking. This isn't a prank and no, you are not dreaming," he said. "These guys are _real_."

"I still don't get it," said Susan.

"Look, they don't know that they're just comic book characters," he said. "So don't say anything about it around them. They might do something crazy if they found out the truth."

Susan still looked confused. Mark sighed.

"If it will help you, I'll let you read the mangas," he said. "I have all of them up to volume thirty. You can read the rest up to the latest chapter online. You can even watch the anime version online. Trust me, you'll understand a whole lot better if you do a little research."

Susan didn't know much of anything about manga or anime. It was her brother's thing. To her it was all just fantasy bullshit about characters with huge, sparkling eyes and indistinguishable genders. She watched _Sailor Moon_ on TV once and its bubbly, shimmery, girly characters and cheesy plot nearly made her gag.

"It's not anything like that goofy _Sailor Moon_ crap, is it?" she asked.

"No. It's a lot cooler than that," said Mark, smiling. Susan sighed and rubbed her eyes before giving him a compliant nod.

"Alright, they can stay. The last thing we need is for them to go outside and draw attention to themselves," she said. "In the meantime I'll read your stupid _Naruto_ mangas. But you better hide them so those guys don't see them."

"Got it," said Mark, grinning wider. "This is so cool!"

"This is a fucking nightmare," said Susan.

Pain and Konan entered the kitchen followed by the rest of the group lined up in single file formation. Susan thought they looked like a bunch of overgrown kindergarteners on a field trip. Pain was obviously the leader of these weirdoes.

"Well, I guess I better start dinner. Feel free to sit down and…take a load off," said Susan, looking warily at Kisame and Hidan as they shrugged their large weapons out of the straps holing them to their backs and set them down on the floor with a loud clunk.

Pain and Konan were the first to be seated, parking themselves on the first two available stools lining the island counter. The rest of them either sat at the dining table or settled for leaning against the wall. They looked like they were still on edge. As they should be, thought Susan. She didn't trust any of them as far as she could throw them. Their leader seemed to be a somewhat negotiable man, but that was just an assumption thus far.

"What do you plan on cooking?" asked Kisame.

'How does chum sound, shark face?' thought Susan.

"Does anyone have any preferences?" she asked.

"**Anything with meat**," said Zetsu. Mark and Susan both jumped at the violent rasp of his voice.

"Anything…with meat," Zetsu repeated, this time in a softer, more melodic tone of voice.

Susan looked inquisitively at Mark, who just shrugged his shoulders. What. The. _Hell?_

"You want that dead or alive?" asked Kisame, baring his sharp teeth in a grin.

"Either, or," said Zetsu. Susan gulped when she saw that he had snaggleteeth similar to Kisame's, if only a bit smaller. Both of them looked like avid carnivores. The only purpose of having teeth like that was for tearing food apart, not chewing it.

"We only have dead meat here," said Mark. Susan gave him a do-not-play-along-with-these-freaks look. He just smiled at her as though everything was hunky dory.

"Dead it is," she said stiffly, moving to the refrigerator. She pulled three packages containing three frozen chicken breasts out of the freezer but paused when she looked at the large number of guests she now had and quickly grabbed three more packages of chicken.

Tobi appeared beside Mark so fast that the boy nearly fell over in surprise. "May Tobi use your bathroom?" he asked.

"Upstairs and to the right," said Mark.

"Thank you!" said Tobi before he bounded off toward the stairs.

"How come he's not wearing a cloak like the rest of you?" said Susan, unwrapping the frozen chicken.

"Because he's not an official member of the group, hmm," said Deidara.

"All the positions are filled right now," said Kisame. "He's gonna have to wait for one of us to die before he can get in."

"So you guys are in an exclusive secret club and you wear cloaks with little red clouds on them and _nail polish_ and weird headgear to identify yourselves? Am I getting this right so far?" said Susan.

"It's not a club, hmm," said Deidara. "We're a secret organization called Akatsuki."

"Ah. Right. Sounds more like a brand of cat food than a secret organization, but whatever," said Susan. She put the chicken on a plate and placed it in the microwave, punching the defrost button. Mark elbowed her in the ribs and gave her a warning look.

"Don't tease them, okay?" he whispered. Susan sighed again.

"Do you live here by yourselves?" asked Konan.

"Our parents live here, too, but they're away on a trip right now. They won't be back for a couple of weeks," said Mark. Susan pinched his shoulder.

"_Don't tell them we have parents!_" she whispered, opening a cabinet and pulling several boxes of rice down.

"It was bound to come up anyway," said Mark.

Tobi returned from his journey to the bathroom. "Tobi thinks your bathroom smells nice."

"Do you plan on telling your parents about us?" said Konan.

"No," said Susan.

"That could be a problem," said Kisame. "If we don't get back to where we came from in time, what will you do?"

"You can go stay with my sister in her apartment," Mark blurted.

Susan's head shot up so fast that she banged it on the cupboard door. "Mark!"

"Let's hope it doesn't come to that," said Pain.

"Oh, I don't know. It could be fun," said Kisame, waggling his thin eyebrows at Susan.

She felt like she was going to faint. He and Kakuzu and the guy with creepy red eyes had already seen her naked. Kisame in particular seemed like the kind of lecher that enjoyed peeping at bare butts. She couldn't possibly tolerate living in close quarters with a bunch of strange, perverted men.

Deidara sat down next to Konan and started fiddling with a wad of clay. Susan set a cutting board down across from him and placed a whole watermelon on it. She paused to watch him as he fed the clay into the mouths on his hands. Gross. She didn't even want to know how he got those.

"So what kinds of stuff do ninjas do?" she asked.

"Espionage and assassinations mostly," Deidara said casually. His hands were busy chewing the clay.

"You guys know karate and stuff like that?" asked Susan, sawing the watermelon in half and then into quarters.

"Taijutsu, ninjutsu, genjutsu…" Deidara rambled as the mouths spit the clay into his awaiting fingers and he proceeded to mold the softened material.

"I don't know what that is," said Susan, separating the fruit from the rind.

"They're ninja art forms," said the one called Sasori. He had come forward and was watching her cut the watermelon.

"Don't you have any shinobi in your village?" asked Deidara.

"No," said Susan, pretending to know what he was talking about. "This is the Suburbs. And anyways that profession is no longer current, or legal for that matter."

"_What?_" several of them asked in unison. Susan looked up and saw that everyone had gone bug-eyed as they stared at her in disbelief.

"We don't have use for ninjas around here. That stuff has been dead since, like, the Dark Ages," she said. She figured that ninjas were a product of feudalism somewhere in the annals of history. Maybe they were popular hundreds of years ago in Japan, but nowadays they were just a mythical creation in movies and books.

Well, that helped a lot. These guys looked even more dumbfounded.

"The Dark Ages? This place really is different from our world," said Kisame, gazing at the backyard through the sliding glass door.

"Not really. It's not like you came from another galaxy," said Mark.

"Could've fooled me," said Susan, dumping the sliced watermelon into a large bowl. Deidara cupped his hands and presented a small sculpture of a bird to Susan.

"What do you think?" he asked her, grinning.

It was a pretty sculpture, maybe a bit too abstract but it looked like a bird none-the-less. And he had done it with just his hands. Interesting. "It's nice," she said. "Beautiful, even."

His smile grew bigger as the bird started to flap its wings until it hovered in the air.

"That's a neat trick," said Susan. Mark stared at the bird in awe.

"It's not a trick, un," said Deidara.

The bird flew over Susan's head and proceeded to flutter about the room. Susan hoped the thing didn't crap like a real bird.

"It's art," said Deidara.

"Well, I hope your art doesn't poop in the house," said Susan.

"My art doesn't do that, un," said Deidara. His blue eyes grew brighter and his smile grew a little too big for Susan's liking. "It explodes."

"E-explodes?" she said.

"Someone open the door!" cried Mark, running out from behind the counter and to the kitchen closet. He grabbed a broom and started waving it in the air, trying to knock the bird out of its flight. Meanwhile Deidara had begun to giggle insanely.

Mark tripped over Tobi and fell only to be caught in the arms of the masked obstacle himself. The bird swooped erratically, causing some of the ninjas to duck.

A kunai flew out of nowhere and pinned it to the wall, and Itachi calmly walked over and picked up the bird, carrying it by the tail. Kisame opened the sliding glass door and Itachi tossed the bird into the yard where it landed in the grass. And just in time, too.

Without warning the bird exploded in a ball of orange flame and white smoke. The concussion rattled the house clear down to the foundation. Afterwards the echo of car alarms and dogs barking could be heard throughout the neighborhood.

"Holy shit," said Susan. She could have sworn she felt the earth shift beneath her. She turned to Deidara. "What the fuck is wrong with you? Are you trying to kill us?" she shouted at him.

"I thought you would appreciate my art, un," he said, crossing his arms over his chest and turning his nose up.

"Nobody can appreciate your art if it blows up!" she said.

"I told you nobody would like that shit you call art," said Sasori.

"Not all of us can live up to your impeccable standards, Sasori-sempai," said Deidara.

Mark sat dazedly on the floor next to Tobi. "You can't do that stuff around here. You'll get in big trouble," he said. He wanted to see what these guys could do, but he wasn't expecting such a dangerous display of carelessness on Deidara's part.

"I was simply demonstrating—"

"Deidara," Pain cut him off. "I suggest you listen to the boy."

Susan looked at Pain, then at Deidara who pouted like a child who had been put in timeout for doing something very naughty.

"This goes for all of you," said Pain. "From now on you are not to leave this house unless you are accompanied by one of our hosts, and you are not allowed to use any ninjutsu or genjutsu unless a serious confrontation arises." He looked pointedly at Deidara.

"Since we're on the subject of rules, let me share some more with you," said Susan. "Fighting and roughhousing is not allowed here. There will be no killing, no maiming, no raping or pillaging, and absolutely _no_ using vulgar language of any kind," she said, looking at Hidan.

"Who the fuck are you, our mother?" said Hidan.

"In case you haven't noticed, my impressionable kid brother is sitting right over there," said Susan, pointing at Mark.

"You've got quite a mouth on you, too, lady," said Hidan. "Talk about the pot and the kettle."

"Her word is law," said Pain. He looked at Susan. "And so is mine."

Susan got the message. She and Mark could tell these guys what to do and what not to do, but Pain was making it clear that he would not be bossed around. She didn't expect them all to abide by the rules twenty-four seven, but she did want them to respect hers and her brother's wishes. If they at least did that, Susan thought she could respect them in return. After all, ninjas had to live by some honorable code, didn't they?

Itachi shut the sliding glass door and went back to leaning against the wall behind Mark, crossing his arms over his chest and shutting his eyes. He didn't seem to care about what had happed, but Susan let that fly. He had saved the house from demolition with his quick thinking. It seemed as though he had done this kind of thing before.

After a while some of the Akatsuki members started talking amongst each other and Susan went back to preparing dinner. It had stopped raining outside and the sun was trying to come out. Barbecuing was the best option she could think of for such a large group of people. Besides, it would get her outside and away from these weirdoes for a while. She kept glancing over at Mark who was chattering away excitedly at Kisame and anyone who would listen. Even Pain and Konan had given him their attention, relieving Susan of their severe stares.

Once she had covered the chicken in marinade, she went outside to turn on the grill. She observed the damage Deidara's bird bomb had done to the lawn. The crater it left in the ground looked to be about four feet deep, the grass surrounding it singed clear down to the root. Dad was going to be pissed.

Tobi was animatedly explaining the uses of various ninja weapons to Mark when Susan returned to the kitchen and started cooking the rice. While she was at the stove, she didn't hear a certain ninja approach her until she turned around and nearly bumped into Sasori. She let out a yelp of surprise.

"Oh, wow," she said, placing hand over her heart. "You shouldn't sneak up on people like that."

He just stared at her with half-lidded eyes.

"Do you need something?" she asked him.

"No."

"…"

Susan backed away from him until her butt hit the counter. She rested against it, trying her best not to look nervous. "So you just came in here to stare blankly at me," she said, fishing for a clue as to what he wanted from her.

"I'm here to make sure you don't poison the food," he said, getting straight to the point. This guy threw tact right out the window.

"Paranoia reigns supreme among you ninjas," she said.

"Among other things," he said.

"Like Deidara's fetish for explosives?" said Susan.

"Now you know what I have to work with," said Sasori.

Susan leaned over the counter and stuck her head into the dining room. "Mark, can you watch the rice while I grill the chicken?"

"Be there in a sec," he said.

Susan picked up the trays full of chicken and carried them to the door and Sasori followed. In the blink of an eye he was in front of her, opening the door for her. "Uh, thanks," she said, quickly stepping by him.

He took a seat in a nearby plastic lawn chair while she lined the chicken up on the grill.

"So Deidara can make clay bombs. What do you do?" she asked him.

"I specialize in poisons," he said.

"Ah."

"Deidara is my partner," he said.

"I'm sorry."

"So am I," he said.

"I'm not going to poison the food, you know," said Susan.

"I'm not going to leave you alone," he said.

"If my neighbors see you out here wearing that weird getup, they're going to think something's up. They'll be hanging over the fence asking all kinds of questions," she said.

"Lie. It shouldn't be that hard for you," he said.

"What the hell does that mean?" she asked him, resting a hand on her hip.

"All people possess the ability to lie. Some are just better at it than others," said Sasori. He couldn't have pointed out a more obvious quality of human behavior, thought Susan.

"You wouldn't poison us, would you?" she asked him.

"Seeing that you're more of an asset than a threat, it would be a waste to kill you," he said.

"But you'd do it if we weren't of any use to you."

Sasori seemed to think about this for a moment. "I might," he said. "If I find out you've crossed us, I would be forced to kill you."

"Your leader wouldn't like that," she said.

"Don't think that his defense of you is for your benefit," he said. Susan slammed the meat prong down and turned to face him.

"Look, we don't want any trouble from you guys. We haven't done anything to you and here you guys are throwing bombs and pointing knives at us!" she said.

"And I should pity you for this?" he said, tipping his head to the side like an inquisitive puppy hearing its favorite word.

"Fine, be insensitive," she said, picking up the meat prong and stabbing the chicken with it, turning it over.

"I am simply telling you the nature of your situation," he said.

"Geez, I feel so much better now that I know where we stand," Susan snorted.

The sliding glass door opened and Deidara poked his head out, looking curiously around the yard. He spotted the above ground pool and wandered over to have a closer look. Mark came out and joined him. "What's this for?" asked Deidara, resting his elbows on the edge and peering down at the water.

"It's a swimming pool," said Mark, draping his arms over the side and grazing the water with his fingertips.

"You swim in this thing?" said Deidara.

"Yeah."

Tobi ran up and wedged himself between them. "Ooh, Tobi likes this! Is this where you take baths?" he asked.

"No, you dumbass. It's for swimming," said Deidara.

"Like the hot springs?" said Tobi, shoving his entire arm into the water. "It's nice and warm!"

Deidara sniffed the water and wrinkled his nose. "It smells terrible, un," he said.

"That's because the water has chemicals in it to keep it clean," said Mark.

Itachi had come outside and was calmly taking in his surroundings. Zetsu, Hidan, and Kakuzu soon followed. Tobi spotted the hammock hanging between the two ash trees near Sasori and Susan and bounded over to it. He threw himself onto it and ended up flipping the hammock. Tobi was thrown off and he hit the ground smack flat on his head.

"Nice one, Tobi," said Deidara. Tobi sat up and rubbed his head.

Susan sighed and shook her head—so much for escaping the weirdoes. Now the neighbors were really going to have something to talk about. She just wished the chicken would hurry up and cook.

"Mark, is the rice done yet?" she said. He came up and sat in the plastic chair next to Sasori.

"Yeah."

"Get everyone back inside. The chicken's almost done."

"But they just got out here," said Mark.

"_Please_, Mark," she said.

Crestfallen, Mark harrumphed and did as he was told. No one seemed happy to be shooed back inside, but Susan didn't care. Sasori was the last one into the house after he waited for Susan to finish up with the grill.

The ninjas didn't know what to do at first when Mark and Susan set knives and forks in front of them. Susan was almost at her wit's end at the idea of teaching these individuals how to eat with utensils other than chopsticks. Surprisingly though, they didn't need to be given instructions and had no trouble eating with them at all. Susan watched in mild fascination as Kakuzu removed his cowl to reveal thick black stitches holding most of his face together. He really was rather hideous. She was also noticed that Tobi somehow managed to stuff forkfuls of food under his mask.

Sasori was the only one who declined the food that was offered him. Mark leaned over to whisper in Susan's ear. "He doesn't need to eat," he said.

"Why?" she asked.

"Because he doesn't have a stomach," said Mark.

Susan paused while lifting her fork to her mouth and she looked over at Sasori. He was watching everyone eat with a bored expression. This just kept getting weirder and weirder. What was he, a robot? Did he need to be plugged into an outlet to recharge?

"Does he run on batteries or something?" she asked her little brother.

"Sort of," said Mark.

"I've never had barbecue quite like this before," said Kisame.

"Yeah, what did you put on this?" said Deidara.

"Barbecue sauce," said Susan.

"It's tasty," said Deidara, letting the tongues in his hands lick a spot of barbecue sauce off his plate. There were a few hums of agreement around the table.

Neither a scrap of chicken nor a grain of rice was spared. The watermelon was a big hit as well. Itachi and Deidara ate especially large portions of it. One could almost say that Deidara's rush to consume practically all of the watermelon before Itachi could help himself to more was about as competitive an act as a pie-eating contest. Despite that, everyone seemed a little more at ease once they had eaten their fill.

"Where are they gonna sleep?" Mark asked as he and Susan loaded dirty dishes into the dishwasher. There weren't enough beds in the house to accommodate twelve people. Since the group of ninjas seemed to be sectioned into pairs, she thought that they could bunk together two at a time. Some of them would have to share rooms, and maybe even a bed if they considered it tolerable.

A series of loud belches echoed from the dining room and Mark started laughing.

"They sure did like your cooking," he said.

"Not a 'thank you' in the bunch," grumbled Susan, passing him another dish.

"Come on, Suse. It's their first day in the real world. Give them a break," said Mark.

"You better go hide your manga, buddy. You might end up with one of those goofballs sleeping in your room tonight," said Susan.

"Sweet," said Mark, running off to go hide his manga. He hustled up to his room, grabbed the cardboard box full of manga in his closet and hauled it quickly and quietly out to the garage where he covered it in an old blue tarp.

"Hey, woman! Where are we sleepin' tonight?" someone yelled from the dining room. Susan threw her dishcloth into the sink and braced her hands on the edge of the counter. Relax. Just relax. These guys were rude, but she wasn't going to let them get the best of her. Susan took a deep breath and slowly exhaled.

Besides, like Mark said, they were just a bunch of cartoons.

^.^.^.^.^.^

Bedtime was just around the corner as Susan ushered her new guests around the house and settled them in while Mark ran hither and thither gathering blankets and pillows for all of them.

She showed Pain and Konan into her parents' bedroom. Neither of them objected to sharing the king sized bed.

It took some convincing for Susan to let Zetsu spend the night in the backyard.

"Camouflage is his specialty," said Kisame. "Think of him as your own personal surveillance system."

"I will monitor for prowlers and other threats," said Zetsu.

"**And dispose of them**," his raspy dark voice continued.

Susan didn't ask any questions and let the plant man do what he pleased.

Hidan and Kakuzu were put in a guest room that was crowded by cardboard boxes and shelves filled with books. Hidan noisily complained about the close quarters. "There's no way I'm staying in this dump! It's too cramped! One loud fart could give a guy a concussion in here!" he said.

"Hidan, you better shut the hell up before I rip your skin off and use it as a windsock," said Kakuzu. Susan quickly backed out of the room and left them to their quarreling. There were two foldable cots being stored in the guest room, so at least she didn't have to hear Hidan complain about sharing a bed with his surly partner.

Mark showed Sasori and Deidara the foldout couch in the basement. Sasori informed him that he didn't need sleep, so there was no griping on Deidara's part about sleeping on the foldout next to his partner. The couch sat in front of a big screen TV. Deidara stared at the monolithic device in awe while somewhere a choir of angels was singing "_Hallelujah_".

"You can watch TV down here if you want," said Mark. "Just keep the volume down or my sister will yell at you."

"She doesn't scare me, un," said Deidara, crossing his arms over his chest. "Show me how to work this thing."

Susan led Kisame and Itachi to her other brother Tim's bedroom. The door was closed. Everyone in the house usually left the bedroom door open, but Timothy's door stayed closed all the time. 'That's because he won't be coming back home to use it anytime soon,' thought Susan. She paused when her hand gripped the doorknob. She hadn't been in his room since…

She blocked the thought from her mind and opened the door.

"You two can stay in here," she told Kisame and Itachi.

The stale smell of dust and old, unused furniture hit her nose as she went to raise the window shades. The room filled with orange light from the sunset as she turned around and watched Itachi and then Kisame enter the room. Susan glanced around, taking in the beat up old writing desk against the wall to her right, the various posters, pictures and awards lining the walls, and then the bunk bed, which Kisame and Itachi were now assessing.

"I hope you don't mind sleeping in bunk beds," she said. Tim enjoyed having sleepovers when he was younger, so their parents ended up buying him that bunk bed.

Kisame looked a bit disappointed, and Susan could see why. The beds were long, but there still wasn't enough room to accommodate Kisame's over six-foot height. His feet would hang right over the end of the mattress. Susan couldn't gauge much of a reaction from Itachi. He looked as though he might have been disgusted with the sleeping arrangements, but Susan was surprised to hear him speak neutrally. "It's fine," he said.

"Is this the little brat's room?" asked Kisame.

"No, it's my other brother's room," said Susan.

"And where is he?"

Susan looked at the floor, raking her toes through the soft fibers of the carpet.

He's…

"He doesn't live here anymore," she said.

"Do you expect him to come visit soon?" said Kisame.

"No," she said. She looked up and saw both men looking at her strangely. Her answer must have sounded too terse—forced, which it was. It was none of their business, so she ignored it and headed for the door. "I'll go get some sheets for the beds," she said, and quickly left the room.

She ran into Mark and Tobi in the hallway. "Where is Tobi going to sleep?" asked Tobi.

"Um, I guess you're sleeping in my room," said Mark.

"Good. Tobi likes Mark-san," said Tobi, wrapping his arm around Mark and squeezing him to his side. Susan twitched at the sight. What a creeper.

"Nobody sleeps with Susan-san?" asked Tobi.

"Nobody sleeps with me," said Susan, opening the hallway closet to take out a pair of blankets and sheets.

"But Susan-san will be lonely," said Tobi.

The walls and floor started to vibrate and Susan recognized the sound of the television pumping out the volume downstairs. "You showed them how to use the TV?" she asked Mark.

"Sasori doesn't sleep. He needs something to do down there," he said.

"Yeah, well, I don't think it's wise to let the blond explosive-happy ninja watch television before bed," said Susan.

"I gave Sasori the remote," said Mark.

"What the hell is that noise!" said Hidan from the other room. Kisame and Itachi stepped out of their room to see what was going on.

"Great. Now everyone's getting riled up," said Susan. "Mark, didn't you ever consider the pros and cons of letting ninjas stay in your house before now?"

"Mostly the pros," said Mark, smiling angelically at her.

Kisame was heading downstairs to see where all the noise was coming from. Itachi followed him but hung back a bit when Susan brushed by him in a rush to get down there first before he and his partner could discover the addictive wonder of television. She was too late.

"What is this beautiful thing?" said Kisame. His mouth hung open as he sat down between Sasori and Deidara on the couch.

"It's TV," said Deidara with eyes wide and aglow. Susan came and blocked their view of the flashing screen.

"Hand over the remote," she said.

Everyone on the couch craned their heads so that they could refocus on the television set. Susan snatched the remote out of Sasori's hand and turned the TV off. Kisame and Deidara groaned. "Hey, I was watching that!"

"It'll rot your brains and make you stupider than you already are," said Susan, placing her hands on her hips.

"Who are you calling stupid, hmm?" said Deidara.

"The dumb blond sitting in front of me, smarts," said Susan. Deidara gritted his teeth and stood up. He was a good six inches taller than her. Susan hoped he wasn't hiding an arsenal of bird bombs under his cloak or she was in bigger trouble than she was asking for.

"Come on, Suse. Just let them watch it for a little while," said Mark as he arrived with Itachi looming behind him.

"I'm very tired and I have to get up at the crack of dawn and work tomorrow. I think that everyone needs a good night's sleep so that they can reserve enough brain power to figure out how they are going to get back home," said Susan, glaring at the three ninjas sitting on the couch. Everyone stared bleakly at her, all except for the Uchiha who looked as stoic as a rock.

"No TV," she said. Man, she thought these guys would be a little more mature about this, but Deidara looked like he had just been denied the right to purchase his favorite action figure at the toy store. "That's final," she said to him.

She took the remote with her as she stepped around the Uchiha and ushered her little brother up the stairs. Itachi glared at Kisame who had slumped forward with his elbows resting on his knees.

"That woman runs a strict household," said the shark ninja.

"Hn. I wonder why," said Itachi with a hint of bland sarcasm as he turned and headed back up the stairs. Deidara and Kisame hung their heads while Sasori looked a bit perturbed.

"Get ready for bed and make sure Tobi goes to sleep," Susan told Mark.

"Yeah, yeah," he said as he took hold of Tobi's arm and they disappeared into his room.

When she thought she was finally alone, Susan leaned against the wall and rubbed the bridge of her nose. She failed to notice Itachi as he paused to look at her for a moment before soundlessly making his way into his and Kisame's designated room. Kakuzu came into the hallway and gave her sharp poke in the shoulder. Susan jumped and sighed when she saw who it was. He held a leather-bound encyclopedia in his hand.

"Are there any more of these around the house?" he asked her.

"There are some in the big bookcase in my dad's study. It's at the end of the hall. Knock yourself out," she said.

Without a word, Kakuzu left in search of his destination.

"Don't touch anything else in there!" she called after him. At least he had the desire to seek out a healthier source of entertainment than television.

She went to the bathroom and washed her face. As she splashed herself with cold water, she couldn't help but consider the possibility that she was going crazy. How else could having ten mutant ninjas appear in her parents' house—of all the places in the world—be explained. However, it didn't explain how her brother could see them as well. He even claimed to know everything about them. Was this a delusional fixation? Or were these ninjas the ones who were crazy?

If they were all wearing costumes, masks and makeup, they would have to remove them at some point. Even that Itachi guy had to take those scary contacts out before he went to sleep. His vision would probably be ruined if he didn't.

Susan decided that she was going to have to do some snooping around to get to the bottom of this. When she was safe in her bedroom, she closed the door and set the alarm on her clock for 4:00 AM—early enough to get up before everyone else, peek into the rooms of her slumbering guests, expose them for the frauds that they were, and have enough time left over to sip a cup of coffee and make it to work by 7:00 after the so-called ninjas had been hauled away in a paddy wagon.

Yeah, that sounded like a pretty sweet plan.

At 10:00 PM she lay awake in bed listening to the noises in the house. She could hear the murmur of voices coming from the other rooms. Mark and Tobi were yakking each other's ears off next door. Tobi was like a child trapped in a man's body; he was very forward and shamelessly juvenile. And what was with him speaking in the third person all the time?

It took at least two hours of tossing and turning for Susan to finally fall into the beautiful oblivion of sleep.

Meanwhile, somewhere else in the neighborhood a little white rabbit sat under a cluster of lilac bushes. Its beady red eyes were luminous in the dark and its long, slender ears twitched back and forth as it listened to the mixed noises of cats and dogs and other nocturnal creatures rustling in the night. The creature huddled itself closer amongst the hanging leaves and dewy blades of grass, waiting.

The little rabbit's nose trembled as it sniffed the air. Confusing. This was all so confusing. There were new sights and smells, and there were people everywhere—humans. Its kind didn't like humans. They were loud and smelly and domineering, and they were only good for one thing. The little rabbit felt so small in this new place, but that would change soon. Soon, it would grow and get stronger. It would be able to look down on the roofs of these houses and tower over this new world. And it would find the one responsible for ripping the little rabbit out of its home, the womb of Animal kind. It could sense this one's power somewhere nearby. There were others there, too, and they were strong. But that was no matter.

A mouse skittered its way under the lilac bushes, its tiny feet making no noise, but to the white rabbit's large, cupped ears, its footsteps pounded like thunder until it came within striking distance. With a quick spring of its powerful hind legs, the white rabbit leapt onto its prey, seizing the little mouse between its needle-like teeth and crunching its spine with one snap of its jaws. The rabbit dropped the dying mouse onto the ground and waited for it to stop twitching. When the death throes finally stopped, the little white rabbit hunkered down to enjoy its first meal of the night. There would be more casualties. The warm blood and tender meat tasted good, so very sweet, and the little white rabbit wanted more. More, more, more!

* * *

If you're confused about the bunny rabbit, don't worry about it. A lot of things might be confusing at this point, but more will be revealed as the story continues.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this chapter. I hope all of the characters are in character so far. My biggest concern was imagining their reactions to foreign technology (some of which I can only assume they don't have in the _Naruto _world) and knowledge of the fact that being a ninja is not a valid profession in the real world--unless you worked in show business or whatever.

Reviews are always nice. I like them, you like them, we all like them. They're very tasty.

This will only get weirder and funnier, so stay tuned!

Later!


	3. Wake Up and Smell the Paradox

Well, it's day 2 of Akatsuki's little holiday in the real world. This chapter might seem a little short compared to the others, but the next one will be quite long. I promise.

Disclaimer: I own nothing and no one, blah, blah, blah. The OCs are mine, though.

* * *

Chapter 3

Wake Up and Smell the Paradox

Susan awoke to the squawk of her alarm clock. She quickly hit the off button and slowly sat up. Her eyes felt like they were filled with sand and her body felt warm and heavy with lethargy. She looked at the big, red 4:01 glaring on the face of the clock on her nightstand and figured she had gotten four hours of sleep at best. The house was silent save for the fluting calls of early-rising birds coming from outside. Through the window, Susan could see that the sun was just starting to make its brilliance known to the restfully blue sky. She put on her terrycloth bathrobe over her pajamas and quietly opened her bedroom door.

Tiptoeing on the hardwood floor in the hallway, Susan stopped at Mark's room and found the door open just a crack. She peeked inside and saw Mark's listless outline under the covers of his bed, his breathing audible in thick, even puffs. Tobi's shadowed form was wrapped in a mess of sheets on the floor. His quiet nasal snores indicated that he was asleep.

She came to Tim's room next and found the door halfway open. Kisame was asleep on the bottom bunk. She could see his muscular arm hanging over the side and his bare feet sticking out over the end of the bed. She pussyfooted into the room until she was standing as close as she dared to get to the slumbering shark ninja. He was still blue and the white bed sheets he was sleeping in showed no traces of rubbed off blue makeup. Huh. Ooo-kay…

She looked up at the top bunk and found it empty. The sheets were neatly smoothed over the bed, looking like they had never been slept in. Susan looked around the room. Itachi was nowhere to be seen. 'He has to be somewhere around here,' she thought as she snuck out of the room and padded softly down the stairs.

"…It's possible that we suffered the effect of some sort of transportation jutsu."

Susan caught herself as she almost rounded the corner at the bottom of the stairs. Someone was already awake—two of them, actually.

"What I want to know is how all of us, including Tobi, were caught up in a transportation jutsu when we were all scattered about on separate missions," one of them said. Susan recognized the voice of Sasori.

"It would take a tremendous amount of chakra to perform something so complex," said the other. It was Itachi.

"The woman and the child have no chakra signatures. Unless they mastered the ability to totally conceal their chakra, they are not capable of doing anything so incredible as altering the fabric of time and space," said Sasori.

"Only Leader would have the power to do something like that," said Itachi.

"He wouldn't do something so reckless. At this point we can only assume that Akatsuki has been targeted by some unknown agent," said Sasori. There was a long pause. "Do you suppose Orochimaru could have something to do with this?" he asked.

Susan frowned. Orochimaru?

"I wouldn't put it past him. He is a deserter of the organization after all," said Itachi.

"That old fool never gives up, does he?" said Sasori.

"Hn," Itachi responded. Another long pause followed.

"You can come out now," Sasori softly raised his voice.

Susan blinked in surprise. How did he know she was there? She stepped around the corner to see the two ninja sitting at the dining room table. They were both still wearing their customary cloaks, looking like a pair of manikins with their perfectly erect posture.

"I was just going to the kitchen to make a pot of coffee," she said, twisting the engagement ring on her finger. They stared blankly at her.

Not knowing what else to say, she headed into the kitchen where she proceeded to prepare her morning medicine. She probably raised their suspicion even higher now that she had been caught eavesdropping. Neither of them said another word as she went about filling the coffee maker with water and adding the beans to the filter. She glanced over her shoulder to see them watching her from their places at the table. She thought back on her conversation with Sasori yesterday. He said that he wouldn't hesitate to kill her if she tried to double cross them. But really, what did he know about poisons anyway? Was he lying, or delusional? Were they all delusional?

All that talk about chakra and some guy named Orochimaru made her think that their insanity ran quite deep. However, something in the back of her mind told her that this shared conspiracy of theirs wasn't a delusion. Bizarre phenomena had been accounted time and time again throughout history. It was always possible that a bunch of ninjas could indeed become entangled in the cosmic threads of time and space and end up in an alternate reality. The chances of them landing in a specific house on a specific block in a specific area of a specific town in a specific country were incredibly small, but not impossible.

'Wow,' thought Susan, 'It would seem that I have just rationalized this whole damn situation.'

'Good for you, now it's time to take the next step and make nice with the two ninjas who are currently plotting your death as you make your coffee.'

"I couldn't help but hear you talking about someone called Orochimaru," she said, leaning on the island counter facing the dining room. The two ninjas exchanged glances.

"He was my partner when he was still in Akatsuki," said Sasori.

"Why did he leave?" asked Susan.

"He lost a fight he shouldn't have started," said Itachi.

"With one of you guys?" she asked.

Itachi shut his eyes. "Hn."

That sounded like a yes, but Susan couldn't be sure. "It's none of my business, but I have to ask these things," she said. "I don't understand half of what you guys talk about."

"If Orochimaru is indeed the one who sent us here, no doubt he did it to get us out of the way so he can carry out one of his grand schemes," said Sasori.

"He sounds like a very ambitious guy," said Susan.

"Indeed," said Sasori, his voice dark with disdain.

"Would either of you like some coffee?" Susan asked. They exchanged glances again, and this time Sasori gave Itachi a slight nod.

"None for me," said Sasori.

"I will have some," said Itachi.

"Did either of you get any sleep last night?" she asked, opening a cupboard to take out two coffee cups.

"I don't sleep," said Sasori.

"Ah. Insomnia, huh? I didn't sleep much myself," she said, pouring coffee.

She came and sat down at the table, giving Itachi his cup. She brought her cup to her lips and inhaled the warm, rich vapor rolling out of it. Coffee awakened the senses in more ways than one. It was the best stuff in the world. Itachi wrapped his hands around his cup and stared down at the steaming black liquid.

"I have cream and sugar if you don't take it black," said Susan.

"It's fine," said Itachi.

"What's that smell?" Everyone turned to see Hidan saunter in, sans cloak. He was shirtless, in fact. And very well sculpted, if Susan didn't say so herself. A cloak-less and cowl-less Kakuzu followed behind. Susan got up and went to get them coffee as well. Tobi arrived with a sleepy-looking Mark.

"Tobi's hungry! Can Susan-san make Tobi some breakfast?" he said. Susan paused just as she was about to sit down.

"Me too," said Hidan, smirking at her in a you-are-my-servant kind of way.

She hadn't even begun to enjoy her coffee and they were already demanding to be fed. "I'm already serving coffee like we're in a freaking restaurant, why not break precedence?" she muttered, stalking back to the kitchen.

If anything could feed an army of hungry ninjas, it had to be pancakes: the most filling culinary concoction ever invented. Their stomachs would be backed up for hours until she got home from work and cooked dinner. And so she made pancakes and bacon, using up all of the pancake mix and frying all of the bacon she could find. She made a mental note to go grocery shopping sometime soon. The kitchen wasn't stocked for twelve people and there would surely be a lot of snacking going on between all of them.

Deidara and Kisame wandered in cloak-less with their hair askew and immediately started eating what she had set out for them. It turned out that Deidara didn't like coffee. The smell alone repulsed him.

Susan went outside to find Zetsu. It took her a while to spot him. He morphed out of the shadowy bow of a tree branch like a giant chameleon.

"Come inside if you want to get fed," she said, leaving the sliding glass door open for him.

The only people who were missing out on the feast were Pain and Konan.

Susan looked at the clock and saw that it was a quarter to six. She had to get ready for work. Putting Mark in charge of the group, she went to go get ready for the day. It wasn't long before someone banged on the bathroom door while she was taking a shower. She had locked the door to make sure that there was not a repeat of what happed to her the last time she took a shower.

"Come on, I gotta take a piss!" yelled Hidan.

"There's a bathroom downstairs!" she said.

"Someone beat me to it, now get out before I knock the damn door down!" he replied.

'The rat race begins,' she thought with a sigh.

"You have no manners," she told Hidan as she passed him on her way out of the bathroom. The only response she got was the sound of the door slamming.

The ninjas watched her curiously as Susan rushed around the house in her black work slacks and dark green blouse. She rifled through the junk drawer in the kitchen until she found a white letter envelope with the word "EMERGENCY" printed in her mother's scrawl. She opened it and found a credit card inside. With her bad credit and limited funds there was no way Susan was going to be able to use her own card for the amount of grocery shopping she would have to do. The credit card in the envelope was for emergencies only. Susan considered ten starving, unshaved, un-deodorized and unfashionably dressed ninjas a real problem. Her parents would kill her over the bill later, but right now she was more concerned about keeping her guests comfortable so they wouldn't go feral on her.

She was getting ready to leave when Mark ran up to her with a backpack in his hand. "Here's some of my _Naruto_ mangas," he said. "Read them while you're on your break."

She took the bag from him with a skeptical look. "Just read them," he said.

"Promise me you'll keep a sharp eye on them," she said. "Call me if you have any problems. I can be home in, like, five minutes."

"I'll be fine," said Mark.

"Maybe I should just call in sick today," said Susan.

"I'll be _fine_," said Mark, handing her car keys to her. "You're gonna be late."

Susan took the keys and looked at her brother as if it were the last time she was going to see him alive before she reluctantly left the house. "God, please don't let them destroy the house while I'm gone," she said.

Her morning at the coffee shop was not uneventful. As usual, there was a long line of people waiting for their poison. The hustle and bustle and chatter of people wearing business suits, uniforms and civvies livened up the place while a mixed selection of classical music and jazz poured out of the speakers, creating a false sense of comfort to those who worried about phone calls, work deadlines, copy machine malfunctions, and whether or not they were going to get that pay raise—or so Susan supposed. She had had an office job for less than a year before she finally broke and decided that it wasn't for her. That and her boss was a complete asshole.

She could tell the working poor from the moneymakers. Many of them worked equally hard for separate wages, but there were some who ordered tall soy lattés and looked as though they sat in a private office all day making bank while others just looked like they had slept on the sidewalk and managed to scrounge up enough change for a small cup of coffee. Susan was just thankful that her friend Joe hired her on as assistant manager of his little Mom and Pop café. She thought she could have been doing better, but she could have been doing a lot worse, too. Free coffee was too good a deal to pass up, anyway.

As the morning wore on, she grew more and more worried about Mark being left alone with those weirdoes. Once the café's rush had broken, she decided to call the house and check on him. The phone rang six times before someone answered

"Hello?" It wasn't her little brother.

"Who is this?" she asked.

"That depends, un. Who is this?"

"It's Susan," she said.

"Who's Susan, hmm?" they asked.

"You know, Mark's big sister? I made you breakfast this morning," she said.

"Yeah? And?"

"Can you please put Mark on the phone?" she asked, quickly starting to lose patience with this person.

"He's a little busy at the moment, hmm."

"What do you mean?" she asked, the hair on the back of her neck prickling.

"He can't come to the phone, un."

"What did you guys do? Did you hurt him?" she demanded.

"No."

"Put him on the phone _right now_," she said, putting fury into her voice.

There was a loud scuffling sound followed by a muffled exchange on the other end of the line. "Susan?" It was Mark.

"What the hell is going on over there?" she asked, pacing back and forth in the break room.

"One of them went outside and they saw a helicopter fly over the house and…" he trailed off.

"And what?" she asked.

"Nothing, they just freaked out is all," said Mark.

"Are you sure that's all?" she asked, knowing full well that her brother was lying.

"Well…"

"Well WHAT!" she pushed.

"They kind of started throwing kunai and shuriken at it," said Mark.

"They _kind of_ threw a bunch of ninja crap at a helicopter?" she said.

"The stuff they threw landed in the neighbors' yard," said Mark.

Susan banged her head against the wall. "Which neighbor?" There was a long pause during which she forgot to breathe.

"All of them," said Mark.

"I knew I should have stayed home today," she said.

"I just got done picking everything up when you called," he said.

"Who answered the phone?" she asked.

"That was Deidara."

"Tell him not to answer the phone anymore," she said. "In fact, tell all of them not to touch the damn phone."

"Aye, aye, boss lady," Mark grumbled.

"I am serious, Mark! What if Mom and Dad call and one of them answers?" she said.

"I'll tell them, okay?"

"And another thing. Have them surrender all of their weapons," she said.

"That's asking too much."

"I'm not asking, I'm telling. No, I'm _ordering_," she said. "These guys need to start playing by our rules."

"I have to go," said Mark. "Tobi's trying to get into the pool."

He hung up. Susan flipped her cell phone closed and covered her face with her hands. Her coworker Jolie came in and saw her in the throes of despair.

"What's a matter, Suse? Did your asshole boyfriend call and try to apologize again?" she asked.

Susan wiped away the tears of frustration that had built up in her eyes. "No, just trouble at home," she said.

"Must be some big trouble," said Jolie.

"Oh, you know, between having a bunch of ninjas invade my folks' house and…" Susan trailed off with a sigh.

Jolie paused from taking a sip out of her coffee mug. "Ninjas?"

Susan snapped out of her daze and looked at her coworker. She shrugged and waved it off. "Never mind. I'm just loopy. Didn't sleep well last night," she said. She looked at her brother's manga-filled backpack that was sitting in her assigned cubby. "I think I'll take my break now," she said, grabbing the bag.

"A forty-fiver?" asked Jolie.

"Yeah," said Susan. She had some serious manga reading to do.

* * *

I know you probably wanted to see what kind of mischief the guys are up to at home, but I'd like to maintain a narrative focus on Susan since she is the main character and is totally ignorant of what her new "friends" are capable of. An outsider's perspective is a lot more fun to write from in this type of situation. Use your imagination and you could think up some strange and funny scenarios of what is going on at home while Susan is away at work. I know I have. My first thought was, "What would happen if these guys were to look up at the sky and see (or more likely hear) an airplane or a helicopter go by?" I went with the a primitive but most likely answer to this question: "Throw shit at it!"

Anyway, I hope that this has been entertaining. The next chapter will be quite interesting.

Later!


	4. Putting the Fun in Dysfunctional

Wow, I know I'm updating this pretty quick but the truth is I started working on this weeks ago. I didn't think anything would come of it at first, but it keeps growing. Summer always brings renewed vigor when it comes to writing. School's out for a couple of months and I have a little more time to do some goofing around. This story is one such product of that. I try to put at least an hour or two of writing into every day, whether it's writing a fan fiction or journaling or whatever. If there's no time to do it, I make time to do it. If there's no inspiration, I write about nothing until it becomes something. If nothing doesn't turn into something, I find something else to do. Usually a random idea hits me in the funny bone at the most random and inconvenient moments.

Disclaimer: I own nothing and no one. The OCs are all I lay claim to.

**Warning!** This chapter contains spoilers for the _Shippuden _manga, so if you haven't read past the Gaara rescue arc, you will learn some new and possibly disturbing things here. For those of you who are current on the manga, forgive me if I make any factual mistakes about the characters and plot. Just reading the elaborate story line of the thing makes my brain ache for many different reasons.

Anyway, I'll stop babbling and let you read now.

* * *

Chapter 4

Putting the "Fun" in Dysfunctional

Susan would be lying if she said that her brother had terrible taste in manga. She thought that _Naruto_ wasn't a half bad read. She gave the author/illustrator points for creativity, anyway. Manga was quite an art form if one really thought about it. She had gotten all the way through volume #5 by the time her break ended. However, not one of her crazy ninja houseguests had made an appearance in the comic. Susan spent the rest of the day pondering various _Naruto_ related things like why Sasuke's hairstyle resembled the ass end of a chicken and what the deal was with that quiet raccoon-faced kid, Gaara.

After her shift ended at 5:00, she stopped at the grocery store to buy a massive amount of food and personal hygiene products. People were giving her weird and contemptuous stares as she waited in the checkout line with her shopping cart filled with a mountain of food higher than Everest. She wasn't sure what the ninjas would or wouldn't like, so she picked up a little of everything.

The house seemed eerily empty when she came home. She struggled through the door with her arms full of grocery bags. "Hello!" she called, making her way into the kitchen and setting her burden down on the counter. The T.V. was on downstairs.

"Down here!"

She came downstairs and found all of the Akatsuki members crowded around the big-screen TV where Mark and Deidara were playing one of her little brother's _Tekken_ games on the Play Station 2. Deidara had just lost a battle.

He tossed the controller onto the floor. "Damn it!"

"You're getting better," said Mark, looking smug.

"I'll beat you, just you wait," Deidara said fiercely.

"Competitive much?" said Mark.

"Who wants to help me carry groceries?" said Susan.

Nobody volunteered.

"Oh, come on. I'm the one feeding you guys. Somebody could at least help me carry the food into the house so that I may cook dinner," said Susan.

"I'll do it," said Sasori.

"Thank you," she said. Sasori followed her out to the car and she started handing him grocery bags.

"So I heard one of you had your first encounter with a helicopter today," said Susan.

"Mark-san explained the concepts of your means of transportation to us," said Sasori.

"You don't have airplanes and stuff where you live, huh?" she said.

"People in our realm usually travel on foot, by boat, or by bird," said Sasori.

Susan almost dropped her bag. "Are you talking about being carried around by a giant…bird?"

Sasori shrugged. "More or less. Deidara prefers to fly on one of his large clay birds when he travels."

"What other wildlife do you have at home? Dinosaurs?" she asked. He didn't answer her. She decided not to push any more questions on him for the time being. There were cheers and laughter erupting from the basement when they finished bringing all of the groceries into the house. Sasori even helped her put the food away, but Susan suspected that he did it so that he could memorize where everything was kept.

"I have toothbrushes and razors and things for you guys to use in the bathroom," she told him.

"Thank you for thinking of our needs," said Sasori, bowing slightly. She wasn't expecting such politeness from him, not when he had threatened to kill her just the day before.

"I don't know how long you're going to be here, but I figure we ought to make the best of it," she said.

"I agree," he said. "Your brother has taught us much in these past few hours. I am interested in learning more."

"Do you like to read?" she asked him.

"Yes."

"We have tons of books in the house. You can borrow as many as you want," she said. It probably was not the best idea to give them access to mind-bending information, but it would help them get educated and keep them entertained.

"My comrades are complaining of hunger," said Sasori.

"I'm making fajitas for dinner," said Susan.

"What does a fajita consist of?" asked Sasori.

"Chicken, beef, peppers, and onions," she said.

"I will tell them what's on the menu," he said and left the room.

Susan's cell phone vibrated in her pocket. She took it out and flipped it open. There was a new text message from Robert. She opened the file and read it.

**RobertShepherd:** **please call me… **

She erased it and flipped her phone closed. The engagement ring Robert had given her was still on her finger, but that didn't mean that she was ready to forgive him. She didn't know if she could. He could suffer a little longer while she waited to come to a decision. He had put her through enough pain with his philandering. Let him sweat it for a few more days—maybe a month if it pleased her. Right now she had bigger problems to worry about than her cheating fiancé. The ninjas were hungry and she couldn't keep them waiting.

She thought that Mark had done an okay job of keeping them under control while she was gone. At least he was bonding with some of them—Tobi and Deidara in particular. Their personalities seemed to align with Mark's carefree attitude. Her little brother was very brilliant for his age, but he was also very naïve. Even though Mark claimed to know a lot about them, they were still unpredictable and capable of deception. Susan just hoped that he didn't let any of them take advantage of his kindness. She hoped she didn't let them take advantage of hers either.

Susan seemed to have found something of an associate in Sasori but she sensed that he was still very guarded. He made an effort to pull his weight with carrying the groceries. Susan gave him points for that. He was polite and distant and she preferred that it stayed that way.

The smell of dinner attracted everyone to the dining room. Susan laid platters full of fajitas and Spanish rice on the table along with sour cream and salsa and flour tortillas. They inhaled it like it was going out of style.

Mark enjoyed watching them eat. Deidara let the mouths in his hands taste everything before stuffing it into his face. He had figured out how to hold the PS2 controller so that he could operate the joysticks with the tongues in his hands while his fingers were free to press the buttons. Mark told him that he was cheating but Deidara just laughed and called him a loser.

Deidara tolerated having Mark follow him around all day. He was one of Mark's favorite characters in the manga. It was too bad that he had been killed off in _Shippuden_, but Mark used to think the bad guys had it coming to them. Now, however, what bothered him was that Deidara didn't seem like such a bad person. He wasn't all that friendly, but he was interested in the things Mark liked and treated him almost as if he were one of his comrades. The only one in the group that Deidara had a real problem with was Itachi. Mark remembered that the former Iwa ninja had been forced to join Akatsuki after suffering a bitter defeat at the hands of the Sharingan user. After that, Deidara seemed to hold a lingering grudge for the Uchiha clan in general.

Kisame turned out to be somewhat pleasant to hang around with and was also very curious. He hovered over Mark while he was writing an email on his laptop, and Mark ended up explaining to him what the Internet was. The shark man was intrigued and asked Mark to show him things like YouTube videos and Facebook pages. Kisame was completely baffled by the time Mark decided to call it a day with the computer.

Pain and Konan observed things from a distance. Konan didn't leave her partner's side very often. It didn't seem unusual to Mark, as he knew that she was the confidante and companion of the character behind the collective personas known as "The Six Paths of Pain", Nagato. Mark thought it was peculiar that only one of Pain's multiple bodies—the wielder of the Rinnegan's God Realm—had ended up being transported here instead of Nagato himself. What was Nagato doing back in the _Naruto_ world while one of his puppets was here in the real world? Surely Nagato had to be aware of what was going on. Mark had decided not to pursue the thought any further as there were other things distracting him, like Tobi trying to climb into the swimming pool and Deidara answering the phone whenever it rang.

Konan had agreed to show Mark some of her origami skills while Pain took to reading the newspapers Mark had brought for her to fold. She made giant cranes out of the newspapers and she even let Mark keep them. She was reserved and polite while Pain was silent with a domineering presence—his many piercings and ringed eyes made him look menacing in a punk kind of way.

Mark thought that Susan was sort of starting to warm up to some of them. He hadn't expected to find her sitting at the table talking with a few of them this morning. She served them coffee without complaint, but Mark had seen the look of annoyance on her face when Tobi asked her to make him breakfast. Susan didn't cook like that very often and Mark wouldn't have expected her to make pancakes unless it was the weekend. He liked this new side his big sister was showing. She was so serious all the time and she was always too busy to spend time with her little brother, but now that she had ten suspicious ninjas to beware of, she was paying a lot more attention to Mark for a change.

The Akatsuki consumed all of dinner in ten minutes flat.

"I take it you've never eaten food from south of the border," said Susan as she stacked everyone's empty plates on the table. A few of them groaned contentedly as they sat back in their chairs looking stuffed to the gills—Kisame in particular.

"The food here is excellent," he said, coiling his fist over his lips to stifle a burp.

"We have ice cream if you feel like dessert," said Mark, grinning a little too enthusiastically.

Susan sighed as she looked at the stack of dirty dishes and used water glasses in front of her. Might as well get dessert out of the way so she could get all the dishes into the dishwasher in one shot.

"By a show of hands, who wants ice cream?" she asked. Everyone's hand shot up except for Sasori's, Pain's and Kakuzu's. "Okay, who wants what flavor? We have chocolate, cookies 'n' cream, sherbet, and coffee."

While watching them wolf down their ice cream, Susan considered the possibility that if she and Mark kept offering them food like this, they would probably eat until they threw up. Ice cream was where she drew the line. The only ones who were taking their time eating were Itachi and Konan. They ate with far more poise than the others.

Susan was thankfully left alone to do the dishes while everyone followed Mark downstairs to play more video games. At least Susan thought she was alone. "Is it possible that you would allow me to borrow some tools?" asked Sasori. Susan jumped and spun around. Why did this guy have to sneak up on her all the time?

"That depends. What do you need tools for?" she asked him.

"I must make some…repairs," he said.

Susan heard the hesitation in his voice. "Repairs on what?"

"My artwork requires the use of tools," said Sasori.

"And what is your artwork?" asked Susan.

"Puppets."

"Ah." Susan nodded her head as if she totally understood.

"It's rather important that I make these repairs," said Sasori.

"We're not talking Muppets here, are we?" she asked him.

He lifted an eyebrow at her. "What is a Muppet?" he asked.

"It's like a cute, furry sock puppet. There's this TV show called _The Muppet Show_ my brothers and I used to watch when we were really little that had these adorable little…" She stopped babbling when she noticed Sasori's eyebrow elevate until it was hidden underneath the curtain of russet hair hanging over his forehead.

"I'll go get the tools," she said and headed to the garage.

She found her dad's toolbox on the shelf and turned to head back into the house when she found Sasori had once again snuck up behind her. She yelped in surprise and dropped the toolbox on her foot. "Ouch! Shit!" She danced up and down on her good foot. "My heart can only take so many surprises from you," she told him, bending to pick the box up.

"Stealth is one of my strong suites," he said.

"So I noticed," she said, offering him the toolbox. "Don't lose anything in here."

He took the box from her. "I also needed to tell you that my comrades are concerned about their clothes becoming soiled," he said.

Susan's shoulders sagged as she sighed and pursed her lips. That's right, they didn't have a change of clothes. "I suppose it's time to do the laundry. I have some clothes you can wear while I'm washing your stuff," she told him.

"That would be greatly appreciated," he said.

Now she was faced with the matter of finding clothes that would fit them all. Konan looked as though she was the same size as Susan so there was no problem there, but as for the rest of them…

Susan limped upstairs to her parents' bedroom and looked in their closet. Her dad was a big man—big meaning over six feet tall with a slight beer gut. Kisame and Kakuzu could wear her dad's clothes, but the rest of the male members of Akatsuki were shorter and more slender. Sasori was the shortest and looked as though he could wear some of Mark's clothes, but that was just from gross examination. Susan couldn't tell how fat or thin he was under that cloak of his.

She saw a black garbage bag sitting in the corner of the closet and opened it. Inside she found some of Tim's old shirts and some pants. Susan couldn't believe her parents had saved Tim's clothes. Her mom should have taken them to the consignment store long ago. Maybe she was saving them for Mark when he got older. He sometimes got Tim's hand-me-downs. Susan picked up Tim's shirt and held it to her nose, smelling old detergent and a hint of her twin brother's scent—Tim's cologne was still in the fabric. She swallowed the lump that had seized in her throat and started rifling through the rest of the clothes in the bag.

The first order of business was underwear—there would be no going commando in her household. Konan could wear something of Susan's. The men were an entirely different deal. Her dad's underwear of choice was tighty whities, but Susan found two packages of boxer shorts that her mother must have bought for him at Costco—there were twenty pairs of shorts in there. Perfect! Dad was a diehard fan of tighty whities, but Mom had grown tired of seeing him stroll around the house without pants on and had on many occasions made threats to burn the accursed undies and replace them with more modest looking boxer shorts. It seemed as though Mom was planning to make good on her threat.

Tim's clothes would probably fit Sasori, Deidara, Itachi, Hidan, Tobi, and Pain, but what about Zetsu? His Venus flytrap wouldn't fit into anything.

Susan dragged Tim's clothes and her dad's boxer shorts down to the basement where the group was hanging around the T.V. watching _MythBusters_. "I have clothes for anyone who wants to change into something clean," she said. She looked at Kisame and Kakuzu. "You two come upstairs with me," she told them. They reluctantly tore themselves away from the television and followed her.

She pulled some of her Dad's short-sleeved shirts and shorts out of the closet. "I'm afraid this is all I have for you guys to wear," she said.

Kisame picked up a bright green Hawaiian shirt. "This is…"

"I know," said Susan. "It's all I could find to fit you."

"We'll look like fools," said Kakuzu, holding up a white polo shirt with thin blue and red stripes.

"You already look like fools and it's only until I get your clothes washed, so stop complaining," said Susan. The two ninjas glared at her and she placed her hands on her hips like a mother scolding her children. Kisame and Kakuzu exchanged glances of uncertainty before surrendering to her hospitality.

They didn't look half bad in her dad's clothes. Kisame had gone with wearing the green Hawaiian shirt and khaki shorts while Kakuzu chose something a little less flamboyant: a solid black sleeveless shirt with loose, black athletic shorts that Susan's dad liked to wear when he went jogging. The sleeveless shirt and shorts exposed the stitches on his arms and legs. Susan suppressed a shudder as she wondered what kind of an accident he could have suffered to make him look like a hand-stitched rag doll.

She saw Zetsu heading out to the backyard. "I don't have anything for you to wear," she told him.

"We do not require clothing," he said in his smooth voice.

"**Not when we can blend into the scenery**," he said again in his dark voice.

"I don't mean to be rude, but what's the deal with your voice?" she said.

"We are two minds in the body of one," he said in his lighter voice.

So he had multiple personalities, thought Susan. She watched him go outside and disappear into the dusk. What exactly did he do out there anyway? He had to be doing something other than hiding out in the trees.

"Tobi was wondering if you had something with sleeves," Tobi asked from behind her, causing Susan to jump like a cat on hot coals. She looked him up and down, noting that he was literally covered from head to foot in black. She left him in the kitchen for a moment and went back up to her parents' room. She brought back one of her mom's black turtleneck sweaters and a pair of her dad's black slacks. It would have to do. Tobi thanked her and flew off with his bundle of clothes.

Susan got a look at each of their chosen ensembles as she went around collecting their dirty apparel. Deidara had put on a red t-shirt and jeans; Pain was wearing a navy blue t-shirt with olive cargo pants; Hidan wore a white tank top and jeans; Itachi wore a plain black t-shirt and gray cargo shorts; Konan was wearing one of Susan's purple tank tops with jean shorts; Tobi was still wearing his mask along with the black turtleneck sweater and black dress slacks.

Susan wandered downstairs to collect Sasori's dirty clothes. She found him sitting on the floor in front of the couch using a screwdriver to loosen bolts that were holding together a pair of what looked to be large metal fan blades protruding from his torso. His head twisted around a full ninety degrees to look at her and that was when Susan lost it.

"Jesus Christ!" She screamed and turned to run up the stairs when she felt a tug on her arms and legs that rendered her motionless. She looked down and saw glowing blue threads attached to her. Her eyes followed them all the way over to where they were connected to Sasori's fingertips.

"Get these off me!" she said, grabbing at the threads. It tingled where they touched her.

"Not until you calm down," said Sasori, rising to his feet and approaching her.

Susan gasped at the mechanical appearance of Sasori's bared torso. There was a large spool of braided cable sitting in the cavity where his belly should have been and there was a cylinder-shaped object fused into the skin over his heart. Her brain couldn't comprehend what she was seeing.

"I…wha…?" She couldn't form words because she was breathing so hard.

"I'm going to let you go now. Please try to stay calm," said Sasori. With the flick of his hand, the threads gently dropped away from her. Susan covered her gaping mouth.

"What are you?" she asked through her fingers, unable to keep the hysterics out of her voice.

"I am my own artistic creation," he said.

"You're a puppet?" she asked.

"He used to be a complete person, but now he's a genuine self-made human marionette, hmm," said Deidara as he appeared behind Susan.

Sasori smiled hollowly at her. "Now you know my little secret," he said.

Susan thought he looked pleased that she had discovered his deformity. How monstrous, she thought, that someone would have the mind to do something like that to himself. It was beyond self-mutilation.

"It's not so bad, hmm," said Deidara. "You should see some of the other guys without clothes on." His comment didn't help matters. He was the one with mouths on his hands. Susan wondered what other parts of his body could have them.

"That's what you needed the tools for," she said to Sasori. She pointed to the blades sticking out of his lower back. "You're going to remove those so that you can wear the clothes I gave you."

"Right again," said Sasori.

"You're smarter than you look," said Deidara. Susan glared at him.

"At least I'm not a dumb blond," she retorted.

"Pffft. Your insults are lame, un," said Deidara.

"I haven't even started insulting you. I was just stating a fact," said Susan.

"Blah, blah, blah, you're boring," said Deidara, holding up his hands and letting his two extra mouths flap silently at her as he walked into the bathroom.

"What an ass," said Susan.

"Try working with the little brat. That's just his polite side," said Sasori as he sat down on the floor and went back to unscrewing his extra appendages.

"And what the hell is with the way he talks? It's always '_un_' this and '_hmm_' that. Is that some kind of speech impediment?" she asked Sasori.

"It's just a quirk. He's had it ever since I met him," said Sasori.

"Oh. What's yours?"

"I don't believe I'm obligated to tell you that," he said.

"Fine. I'll just leave you to your…yeah," she said and headed to the laundry room, her mind more troubled than it had been a two minutes ago.

Minutes later Deidara wandered into the laundry room. Susan picked up his fishnet shirt and looked through the mesh material at him. "I have come to the conclusion that your partner may be crazier than you are," she said to him.

"He's not crazy, just eccentric, hmm," said Deidara.

Susan tossed his shirt into the washing machine. "Eccentric? He's a living puppet. That's not eccentric. That's surreal."

Deidara wandered over to the weight bench sitting in the corner of the room and started fiddling with the barbells. "Who are you to judge, hmm?" he asked.

"You say that as though you understand the method behind his madness," said Susan.

"I don't claim to understand him, but I've learned to appreciate his knowledge when it comes to art, un," he said, picking up a hand weight.

"He doesn't seem to share your taste in art," said Susan.

"Our opinions differ when it comes to defining art," said Deidara. "I think that the beauty of art is fleeting. It should go out with a bang and make room for new things. Sasori-senpai thinks that beauty should be preserved. He doesn't like change, hmm."

"Sounds like he's hung up on the past," said Susan, tossing more clothes into the washing machine.

"I don't know, un," said Deidara. He sat down on the bench. "You don't like change either, I take it."

"What gave that away?" she asked, looking over her shoulder at him.

"You obviously don't like having us here," he said.

Susan thought that this was as good a time as any to be perfectly frank. She turned around to face him and folded her arms over her chest. "No. I don't," she said. Deidara smiled cheekily at her.

"Hmm-hmm. But your little brother seems to like having us here," he said.

"He finds the idea that you guys are ninjas to be appealing," said Susan. "I, on the other hand, don't go for your type."

"Are you married?" he asked her.

Susan frowned at him. "Why do you ask?"

Deidara nodded his head at her as his gaze traveled to her hands. "There's a ring on your finger, hmm. You don't just wear that for decoration, do you?"

Susan tucked her left hand under her arm uncomfortably. "I'm engaged," she said.

"I pity the guy," said Deidara, examining his hand as the mouth on his palm yawned and extended its tongue.

Susan clenched her teeth and sighed. "If you came in here to antagonize me, then you're wasting your time."

"What does your fiancé do for a living?" asked Deidara.

"He works for his father's company," said Susan.

"What profession is his father in?"

Susan sighed and rubbed her eyes. "Software development. Look, why do you want to know all this?"

"I'm just curious, hmm," he said. "What's software?"

"I'm trying to do the laundry. Go ask Mark," she said.

"But I'm asking you," he said, his smile bending further until it resembled a Cheshire cat's.

"You're really annoying, do you know that?" she said, going back to throwing clothes into the washer.

"So I'm told, hmm."

"I'm glad those mouths on your hands don't talk. Your face does too much talking as it is," said Susan.

Meanwhile, Mark was up in his room with Tobi. The masked ninja was looking through a stack of comic books. Mark had hidden all of his mangas in the garage, but he figured that it was safe to let Tobi read his other comic books.

"These are very interesting. Tobi has never heard of these superheroes," said Tobi.

"Some of them are ninjas," said Mark.

"They don't use jutsu of any kind, but they sure can do other neat things," said Tobi.

Mark didn't know too much about Tobi except that his name was an alias. He was sweet-tempered and acted as though he was as pure as a newborn, but Mark knew that he was hiding something dark and abysmal behind his mask. In the manga, Tobi claimed that his true identity was Uchiha Madara. It was evident that he was pulling strings in the organization, playing dumb in front of the other members so that they wouldn't suspect him of anything. It seemed that nobody knew anything about him except that he was just dumb old Tobi, the Akatsuki wannabe. Nagato and probably even Itachi knew otherwise, though.

Mark watched from his perch on the bed as Tobi flipped through the pages of his comic books, but Tobi seemed to sense that he was being watched and he turned his head to look at Mark. "Is something wrong, Mark-san?" he asked.

Mark shook his head. "I was just wondering why you wear that mask," he said.

Tobi put the comic book down and scooted around to face him. "Tobi is shy. Tobi doesn't like to show people his face," he said.

"Is there something wrong with your face?" asked Mark.

Tobi looked down and drew little circles in the carpet with his finger. "Tobi is just shy."

Mark nodded. "Okay. That's okay. Lots of people are shy."

Tobi looked up at him. "Is Mark-san shy?"

"I don't hang around with a lot of people," said Mark, looking at the floor. "Maybe I am kind of shy. People treat me different at school."

"How is Mark-san different?" asked Tobi.

"I got put into a lot of smart classes and before I knew it I skipped a grade," said Mark. "I'm going to be in eighth grade instead of seventh next year."

"Does Mark-san feel bad for being so smart?" asked Tobi. Mark shrugged his shoulders.

"I don't feel bad about it. I just don't like being separated from my friends because adults think I'm special," he said.

"Mark-san should not feel sad about being special," said Tobi. "Tobi knows people who are smart like you, and they don't mind being alone."

Tobi could have been referring to someone like Uchiha Sasuke, but Mark knew that Sasuke was a lonely kid for different reasons. He was intelligent and superior, and he knew it, so he chose to isolate himself from those whom he deemed unworthy of his attention, except for his teammates. His independence was ingrained in him at a young age by the death of his clan and the betrayal of his beloved older brother. Mark was just an awkward kid who happened to be smart in school.

"I like being around people, but I also feel weird around them sometimes. I don't really have anybody who's close enough to share secrets and stuff with," said Mark. His older brother Tim used to hang around with him all the time. When Mark was little, Tim was always there to listen when his younger brother needed someone to vent his troubles to. Susan was the same way, but that was before she moved out of the house and started college.

"My sister likes to be alone," said Mark. "She's pretty smart, too, but she didn't have to skip grades in school."

"Tobi thinks Susan-san doesn't like having us here," said Tobi.

"You might be right," said Mark. "But she hasn't kicked you out yet, so she must like you guys a little bit."

He spoke too soon as Susan's angry voice erupted through the floor. Tobi sprang onto the bed next to Mark, gripping the boy's shoulders and pulling him into a fearful embrace. "Tobi thinks Mark-san better go make Susan-san stop yelling," said Tobi.

Mark got up and went downstairs with Tobi following close behind. Some of the others had been roused by the loud voices coming from the basement. Kisame and Itachi were the first to make it down the stairs followed by an irritated Hidan and Kakuzu. Mark pushed his way through the crowd that gathered just inside the doorway of the laundry room.

Sasori was standing between Susan and Deidara with his arms out defensively to keep them from lunging at one another.

"You little prick! Where the hell do you get off telling me that I'm frigid!" said Susan, stepping forward challengingly.

"I doesn't take a genius to see that you're the supreme queen of bitchery around here, hmm," said Deidara.

"You better watch that mouth or I'm gonna kick your ass so hard, you're gonna have a headache down there because you obviously have shit for brains!" said Susan.

"It beats having to bleed out once every month just to reset your fucking bitch-o-meter!" said Deidara. Kisame, Tobi and Kakuzu winced and hissed through their teeth at his crude comment. Itachi's eyes widened just a small fraction while Hidan grinned nastily.

"Why you little—" Susan took a run at Deidara but Sasori quickly caught her around the middle and swung her away from her intended target.

"Shit, this is more entertaining than watching some fool get drawn and quartered," laughed Hidan. He placed a hand on Mark's head as he leaned over the boy to have a better view.

"What are you gonna do, hmm?" said Deidara, stalking closer to them while Susan was struggling to tear Sasori's arm off her.

"Both of you shut up. Your petty squabbling is getting on my nerves," said Sasori. The serpentine cable began to unwind from the spool in his belly and it coiled around Susan, pinning her arms to her sides and drawing her ankles together.

"He started it," said Susan, glaring daggers at Deidara.

"Oh yeah?" said Deidara. "You're the one who can't take a joke, hmm."

"A joke? You better work on your goddamn act, buddy," said Susan.

Mark shrugged Hidan's hand off and stepped forward, looking at Deidara. "What did you say to my sister?"

Deidara looked at him and his glare softened a little. "Nothing to get all worked up about. All I said was that she better lighten up if she wants to get along with a house full of guys."

"That is _not_ what you said," Susan ground out.

"What is going on down here?" Everyone turned around to see Pain standing in the doorway. He looked from one face to another before his ringed eyes settled on Deidara and then shifted to Sasori and Susan.

"These two were just having a little disagreement. It's all under control, Leader-sama," said Sasori.

"I don't want to have to tell you again. Either you abstain from confrontation or I will have Itachi confine you to seventy-two hours of your own personal hell," said Pain.

Susan looked at Itachi. As if on cue the red-eyed ninja looked straight at her, shooting a silent message with his eyes that said that she did _not_ want to smell what he was cooking.

Deidara glared coldly at Itachi. Mark looked between the two and sighed. There was just too much testosterone in the room, even for him.

"You can let me go now," Susan told Sasori. He unwound the cable from her and she lifted her leg to rub her sore ankle. Their little audience dispersed and Mark herded them out of the room. Pain watched them all go with his eyebrows knit tightly together before heading back upstairs, leaving Sasori, Deidara and Susan alone in the laundry room.

"I would advise you both to keep away from each other's throats from now on," said Sasori, looking at Susan. "You don't know the torture you will endure if Itachi were to use the power of his Sharingan on you."

The word "Sharingan" prompted Susan to remember something she had read in the _Naruto _manga. Sasuke and Itachi had the same pinwheel eyes. Was it possible that the two were related? And what about that other fellow, Kakashi? He had one of those as well, but it didn't sound like he had acquired it via genetic inheritance. Whatever. She didn't want to know what kind of weird crap Itachi could do with his freaky eyes and she didn't plan to personally find out either.

"I would like to do the laundry in peace, if you don't mind," she said, turning her back to them and rolling her shoulders. Sasori turned and headed out, but he paused in the doorway to look at Deidara, who was looking dangerously at Susan.

"Come on, Deidara," said Sasori, putting some authority into his soft voice. Deidara sniffed and left the room muttering under his breath.

Susan sighed and shook her head. "Psht. _Men_…"

As she went about doing the laundry, occasionally one ninja or another would peer into the laundry room as they were walking by. She ignored everyone as they watched her cautiously. She folded what was clean and dry and left it in piles on top of the dryer before calling it a night and going to bed, leaving Mark to stay up and play video games with Deidara while Sasori sat on the couch reading a Stephen King novel.

"Really, though. What did you say to her?" Mark asked Deidara as they leaned this way and that playing a racing game. Sasori looked up from his book.

"I didn't say anything bad," said Deidara.

"Whatever you said, it had to be pretty bad because it really pissed her off. I've never seen her go after anybody the way she went after you," said Mark.

"She's just sensitive like most women are, hmm," said Deidara.

"How would you know?" asked Mark. His racecar pulled into first place as Deidara's car missed a turn and went over a cliff into a body of water. Deidara watched his car sink with a sour expression before he looked over at Mark and saw the expectant look on the boy's face.

"Well, I…" Deidara paused and his eyes traveled to the ceiling in thought.

"You don't know anything about women, do you?" said Mark.

"And _you_ do, hmm?" asked Deidara.

"I have a sister and a mother. Believe me, I know things," said Mark.

Deidara shook his head and looked back at the TV. "Let's go another round," he said.

"Not until you tell me what you said to Susan," said Mark.

"Why do you care so much?" asked Deidara. Sasori looked inquisitively at Mark.

"Because she's my sister," said Mark. His lips curled upward into a smile. "And because I wanna know how you managed to make her let loose like that. She never gets that mad."

Deidara raised an eyebrow. "You make it sound like it's a good thing."

"In my book, yeah, it is," said Mark. "She's so serious all the time, it's like she doesn't know how to have fun or anything anymore."

"I told her she ought to be grateful to have a bunch of good looking guys staying in her house because she looks like she could use a good f…" Deidara trailed off, scratching the back of his neck as his face turned pink. Mark's mouth fell open and Sasori's eyes grew to the size of saucers.

"You said _that _to my sister?" asked Mark.

"It was supposed to be a joke, but she didn't take it very well, hmm."

"Not only is your art shitty, but your jokes are even more tasteless," said Sasori, returning to his book.

"Maybe your sister just has no sense of humor," Deidara told Mark.

Mark dropped his game controller and stood up. "If any of you guys try to make a move on my sister…"

"Are you insane?" said Deidara. "I'd rather tear out my larynx than take a run at your sister, un."

"Seconded," said Sasori, raising his hand in succession as he kept his eyes glued to the pages of his book.

Mark eyed them both suspiciously and nodded. "Can you speak for the others?"

"You bet your ass," said Deidara. "Except maybe Kisame. He's blue all over, if you know what I mean."

Mark frowned. "No…"

"Well, you see—"

"I think that's enough talk for tonight," Sasori cut in. "It's getting very late, don't you think, Mark-san?"

"Yeah…see you guys in the morning," said Mark as he left the basement feeling very confused.

Susan was lying awake in bed, listening to her cell phone vibrate on the nightstand. This was the third time in a row someone had called her. She picked up the phone and saw that it was Robert. Again. Might as well see what he wants, she though as she flipped the phone open and pressed it to her ear.

"Hello," she answered.

"Hey," said Robert. "I finally caught you."

"I don't remember playing phone tag with you," said Susan, rolling onto her back to stare at the ceiling.

"Did you get my text?" he asked.

"No," she lied.

"I want to see you," he said.

"You can't."

"Why not?" he asked.

"I don't want to see you," she said, studying the popcorn pattern on the ceiling.

"We need to talk," said Robert.

"We already talked, Robert."

"I need to explain myself…"

"You already explained yourself. But you know what I think?" Susan sat up and crossed her legs like a pretzel. "I think you were just trying to cover your ass with a cheap sob story," she said.

"Look, _she_ was the one who wouldn't leave me alone. I tried to end it, but she kept calling me, texting me…"

"And you texted her right back," said Susan.

"Baby, I—"

"Please stop making excuses," she said. "You could have stopped seeing her, you could have just ignored her, but you didn't. And you lied to me when I came to you about it."

"It's over between her and me. I shut her out for good," he said. "I told her that I don't love her. I never did."

"But she was good enough to keep around in case you needed to get laid when I wasn't there to do the job," said Susan. "How do you think that makes me feel, Robert?"

"I'm so sorry," he said.

"It's too late for sorry. You're just rubbing salt in the wound," said Susan.

"What do you need, baby? Just tell me what I can do for you," said Robert, his voice a deep murmur. It sounded like he could have been right there with her, breathing on her ear.

"I need time," she said, sliding the ring off of her finger and looking at it. "You really fucked things up by asking me to marry you." There was a long pause.

"I know," he said.

"Then why did you ask?"

"Because it's what I want," he said.

"Would you have broken it off with her? If I hadn't found out, I mean," she said, running a ringer over the diamond. There was another long pause — not a good sign.

"Yes, I would have," he said.

"I don't believe you," she said, dropping the ring onto the bedspread.

"Please…"

"It's late and I can't think straight," she said.

"You're not just going to walk out on me, are you?" he asked.

"Give me a little more time to think about it and I'll call you when I have an answer." She hung up and turned her phone off, pressing it to her chin as she stared at the ring lying on her bedspread.

A low, drawn out yowl drifted through the screen of her bedroom window. Susan got up and went to the window, peering out into the darkness. She couldn't see anything beyond the hazy glow of the streetlamps, but the noise sounded like it was coming from somewhere close by. It sounded like it could have been one of the stray cats that wandered around the neighborhood at night, but the noise she was hearing suddenly changed pitch, deepening to a growl that was more like that of a cougar than a feral housecat. It sounded like two wild animals were fighting in the bushes.

She turned knob on the sill and reeled her window shut, closing out the noise before she climbed into bed and turned the light off.

* * *

Bet you can't guess who's making all that ruckus outside. Please excuse the crude humor in this chapter. It may be tasteless, but it gets the blood boiling and there is plenty more of it to come.

Review if you like. Or not. I prefer that you do, though.

Until next time


	5. Jesus, Mary and Jashin

The madness continues!

**Warning!** There will be talk about religion and some other sensitive material in this chapter. My intention is not to offend, only to entertain, so please don't take anything seriously here. We all know that Hidan has to broach the subject of religion sometime. Morally, the character stands way out on the corner of Screwed Up and Evil, and I think it would be kind of interesting to hear what he has to say about Christianity. You're curious now, aren't you? Read on if you dare.

Disclaimer: For Pete's sake, I don't own anybody from _Naruto _and I own no rights to any music, shopping centers, restaurants or products that are mentioned in the story. The OCs are all I own.

* * *

Chapter 5

Jesus, Mary and Jashin

Susan woke up at 5:00 AM feeling worse than she did the night before. Sleep had evaded her once again, leaving her eyes bleary and her stomach feeling as though she had swallowed a rock the size of a cantaloupe. With a sigh she got up, put on her bathrobe and went downstairs to make coffee. Susan checked the living room and then the dining room to make sure that nobody was going to come out of nowhere and surprise her like certain ninjas she knew. Satisfied that she was alone, she went to the kitchen and turned on the stereo that sat on top of the refrigerator, turning the volume down low so that it wouldn't disturb anyone. She turned the tuner dial until she found an oldies station she liked. Patsy Cline sang mournfully through the speakers as Susan put a pot of coffee on. The song was so wonderfully depressing that it made her heart lurch in her chest and her eyes ache with moisture.

She thought about her conversation with Robert the night before. She asked him to give her time to think about what she was going to do next. She wasn't sure she believed him when he said he ended it with the other girl. Susan didn't know anything about her except for what Robert said when they were arguing over the text messages. He made this other girl out to be desperate and clingy, but Susan didn't know what to believe. She had known Robert for six years and had been dating him for the past three. Sex wasn't a problem between them, or so she thought. What angered Susan was the idea that Robert didn't bother to address certain problems in their relationship, and instead he went out and found someone to give him a quick fix instead of trying to mend whatever problem he had with Susan. She often thought about what she would do if she met this other woman on the street. Fists would fly and hair would be pulled, she supposed.

She'd never been involved in a fistfight no matter how angry she'd gotten at someone. However, last night she would have engaged in fisticuffs with Deidara—a duel she most likely would have ended up losing now that she thought about it—had Sasori not intervened. The mouthy blond pushed a button she didn't know she had with his little "joke", and Susan snapped at him. The situation with Robert must have fueled the fire. Having a bunch of men in the house didn't help matters either. What she needed was to get away from the testosterone and find someone without a Y chromosome to spill her guts to. All she really wanted was to talk to someone who wouldn't talk back but would just listen and maybe, just maybe, provide a little bit of advice in the end. Her mother was good at that sort of thing but right now she was in Alabama.

Susan fetched the newspaper and sat down at the table with a cup of coffee. She unfolded it and skimmed the headlines. Sometimes they made the world seem like it was falling apart and turning into crap, and sometimes they were too bland to evoke anything more than the roll of an eye as it passed over the print. Susan sighed and decided to look at the funnies instead.

She heard someone on the stairs and looked up to see none other than Kakuzu come around the corner. He made a beeline for the kitchen where he started looking through the cupboards, seemingly unaware that Susan was sitting nearby, watching him rifle around in the kitchen like he owned the place. He found what he was looking for, taking a mug from the top middle cupboard and then filling it with coffee. He spotted her as he approached the table and for a moment he looked unsure about joining her. Susan gave him a curt nod and returned to reading the funnies. He came and sat down at the end of the table—as far away from her as possible—and proceeded to glare at her with his floating green eyes.

Hidan appeared soon afterward, shirtless and looking absolutely casual being half naked in someone else's house. He came and sat down across from Susan, emitting an obnoxiously loud yawn while cracking his knuckles. The sound made Susan shiver. She hated it when people did that. A minute ticked by as the three of them sat together in silence while The Romantics sang "_What I Like About You_" from the stereo.

"What is this crap?" asked Hidan. Susan lowered her newspaper to look at him.

"It's music," she said flatly. "What kind do you listen to?"

"Mostly just shit."

"Okay then." She went back to her newspaper.

"Your little tiff with the mad bomber really made my day yesterday," said Hidan, throwing an arm over the back of his chair and grinning at Susan.

"Well, I'm glad I could make you happy," said Susan.

"That little twerp doesn't know when to shut up," he continued.

"Tell me about it," said Susan. She wished Hidan would shut up right now.

"You look like shit by the way," he said. Susan slowly lowered her newspaper. He smiled smugly at her.

"How come everything that comes out of your mouth has to have a four letter word in it?" she asked him.

"Because he enjoys offending people like you," said Kakuzu.

"With your wonderful personalities, you two must have a lot of friends," she said dryly.

"We killed them all," said Hidan. Susan blinked owlishly at him. "Kakuzu here doesn't like people. In fact he killed every single partner he's ever had, except for me of course."

"You guys must go together like peas and carrots," said Susan.

"I can't kill the bastard no matter how hard I try," said Kakuzu, looking at Hidan like an angry bull would look at a rodeo clown.

"How hard would you have to be trying?" asked Susan. She didn't like where this was going but she felt compelled to ask.

"I tried taking out his heart, but that didn't work," said Kakuzu.

"It tickled," said Hidan. Kakuzu narrowed his eyes and Susan stared at Hidan in horror.

"Thanks to your sordid immortality, I have to endure your moronic bloodletting rituals after every battle," said Kakuzu. "You waste your time paying tribute to that ridiculous god of yours."

"What god are you talking about?" asked Susan.

"The god I serve." Hidan picked up the pendant hanging from the chain around his neck and showed it to her. It was a circle with an inverted triangle inside it.

"Is that like Satan or something?" she asked.

"Who the hell is Satan?" asked Hidan.

"Never mind," said Susan, taking a sip of her coffee.

"I saw a cross bearing the figure of a man in agony hanging up in our room," said Hidan. An unpleasant smile tugged at his mouth. "Is that your god?"

"Not exactly," said Susan.

"You hang effigies of a dying man on your walls for nothing, then?" said Kakuzu.

"The guy on the cross is called Jesus, the son of God in my religion," said Susan. "As the story goes, he was whipped repeatedly and had his hands and feet nailed to a cross where he stayed until he died. That method of death is called crucifixion."

"Crucifixion. What a wonderful word. I like your religion already," said Hidan with a laugh. Susan glared at him and shook her head.

"Read the New Testament sometime. No doubt you'll get a laugh or two out of that," she said bitterly.

"You seem a little sore on the subject of religion," said Kakuzu, a smirk stretching the stitches in his cheeks.

"I don't find pain and suffering as amusing as you do," said Susan.

"Pain is a way of life," said Kakuzu. "We live with it, we laugh about it."

"Laughter is the best medicine, after all," said Hidan. Susan was growing tired of the nasty smile on his face.

"If I told you your hair was on fire, would you let me beat it out?" she asked him.

His smile faded and his eyebrows knit together. "No. Why?"

"Just asking," she said, shaking the wrinkles out of the newspaper.

Kisame strolled in still wearing his bright green Hawaiian shirt, stretching his arms over his head as he yawned with the ferocity of a bear. Susan gaped at his bulging biceps. He noticed her looking and smiled toothily at her. "There's plenty more where this came from," he said, flexing his arm and patting the mountain of muscle there.

"You mistake me for someone who gives a flying rat's tail," said Susan, going back to her newspaper.

"Nice shirt, Kisame," snickered Hidan. "It really brings out the color in your face."

"Makes you look like my dad, only bluer," said Susan.

Kisame grunted and sat down next to Hidan. "Oh yeah? Well that bathrobe makes you look like an old woman," he said. Susan twitched at his comment. Just when she thought her morning couldn't get any worse, Deidara came up from the basement with Sasori in tow. He glared at Susan and she glared right back. Hidan watched the exchange and snickered loudly.

"I have to get ready for work," she said, setting the newspaper down and getting up.

"Who's gonna make breakfast?" asked Kisame.

Susan pounded up the stairs and went into Mark's room. She stepped over Tobi and gently shook her brother awake. "Get up. You have to make breakfast for your pals," she told him.

Mark rolled over, throwing an arm over his eyes. "Why can't you do it?"

"I'm going to be late for work. Come on, get up," she said, patting his arm. Mark slowly sat up as she left and headed for the bathroom. She was about to get into the shower when she was interrupted by a knock on the bathroom door. Damn it, couldn't these guys leave her alone for five minutes? "What?" she snarled.

"Susan-san." It was Konan.

Susan quickly shrugged on her bathrobe and opened the door. Konan stood in the hallway with her hands laced together in front of her.

"Hello." Susan didn't know what else to say. She hadn't gotten much of a chance to talk to the female ninja. "Do you need to get in here?" she asked.

"I need…something," said Konan. She looked up and down the hallway before stepping into the bathroom and closing the door. "Do you have any medicine for…cramps?" she asked.

"Cramps as in…oh! Okay, um…" Susan held up a finger for pause and opened the medicine cabinet. She searched around, pushing various prescription bottles out of the way, but she didn't find what she was looking for. She looked at Konan and shrugged her shoulders. "Sorry, I don't have anything for that. Do you need some, uh, tampons or something?" she asked.

Konan nodded mutely, her lips pulled together in a tight line. Susan left the bathroom and looked around in her bedroom. She found a single tampon in her purse and brought it to Konan. "This is all I have right now. I'll have to go buy more," she said.

Konan took the offered item and bowed her head. "Arigato," she said.

"You're welcome," Susan said automatically though she was a little taken aback—none of them had spoken a lick of Japanese since their bizarre entrance the other day. She looked up at the clock on the wall and saw that it was already half past six. Where had the time gone? She stepped out of the bathroom and let Konan do what she needed to do. After realizing that her morning was shot and she was going to be late for work, she didn't feel like going anymore. Perhaps she could do with a day off.

"Aw, screw it," she mumbled and went to grab her cell phone.

Mark was in the kitchen making stacks of toast and cooking scrambled eggs on the stove. Containers of milk, orange juice, cereal, jelly, peanut butter, butter, syrup, leftover salsa and eggshells littered the counter and there was a trail of crumbs leading over to the dining room table where the ninjas were stuffing their faces. Deidara was hanging around in the kitchen with Mark, listening to the music pouring out of the stereo. The blond ninja had been fiddling around with the tuner until he found a classic rock station that interested him. The speedy riffs of Led Zeppelin's "_Rock And Roll_" grew and shrank as he kept turning the volume up and Mark kept turning it back down.

"Will you quit screwing around with that thing!" hollered Hidan. "We can't hear the fucking music in here!"

Susan walked into the room with her hands shoved into the pockets of her bathrobe. Mark looked at her and frowned. "Aren't you supposed to be going to work?" he asked her.

"I called and told them I'm sick," said Susan. "I'm staying home today."

Mark smiled. "Alright. Can you make more coffee? I kind of have my hands full here."

Susan moodily brushed by Deidara, turning the volume down on the stereo before she set about fixing more coffee. She looked into the dining room to see that Pain, Itachi, Zetsu and Tobi had joined the breakfast group. Hidan and Kisame were laughing raucously at something while Kakuzu looked on crabbily, and Sasori just looked as though he had drifted off to la-la land.

"Can you please not use your tongues to turn the knobs?" she asked Deidara. He wouldn't keep his damn hands away from the stereo.

"They're clean," he said as one of his hands licked the tape deck. Susan hung her head in frustration. He just didn't get the hint.

"What are you going to do all day?" asked Mark.

"I don't know. Run some errands I guess. We're almost out of toilet paper anyway," said Susan.

"Maybe you could take some of the guys with you," said Mark. Susan gave him a terrified look.

"No way," she said.

"Why not?" asked Deidara. "I'm getting sick of being cooped up in here, hmm."

"Come on, Suse. Let them get a little bit of our culture into their systems," said Mark.

"I am not dragging a bunch of ninjas to the store with me," said Susan.

"I didn't say you should take all of them," said Mark.

She figured that whoever went with her would have to be relatively normal looking to blend in with the general public. "Fine. I'll ask Itachi or Sasori if they want to go to the store. That's it," she said.

"Why not me, hmm?" asked Deidara.

"I say Deidara goes with you. Tobi and Kisame, too," said Mark.

Susan crossed her arms over her chest. "That would be like bringing the circus into town," she said. "In case you haven't noticed, the shark man looks like the love child of Jaws and Shaquille O'Neal and Tobi is dressed like he's going trick-or-treating every day."

"I think I know how you can get by with that," said Mark, pulling her closer and whispering in her ear. "If anyone asks, you tell them you guys just came from an anime convention. You know, because some people like to dress up when they go to those things. It's called cosplay."

"Cosplay? I guess that could work." Susan nodded.

"So am I going with or not, hmm?" asked Deidara.

Mark grinned at him. "Yeah. You should go."

Susan sighed and threw her hands up. "Fine, fine."

She brought the coffee pot out to the dining room and refilled some of the guys' cups. She noticed that Itachi put five hefty spoonfuls of sugar and a lot of cream in his coffee. 'So he doesn't like the bitterness after all,' she thought.

"I'm going to the store," she said. "I'm wondering if anyone wants to come with me."

"Fuck yes! I'll go!" said Hidan.

"Count me in," said Sasori.

"Tobi wants to come, too!" said Tobi, raising his hand.

She looked at Itachi. "What about you?"

"I decline," he said.

"Okay, well, that's three of you anyway. I'll take one more." Susan looked at Kisame. "You're coming too, shark man."

Two hours later, after settling some squabbles over who was going to use the bathroom first and inspecting everybody's "normal" state of dress (plus some borrowed flip flops and sandals for their feet since they weren't used to any other type of footwear), Susan was ready to head out to the store with Deidara, Kisame, Hidan, Sasori and Tobi as her shopping buddies. She made Kisame wear one of her dad's sun visors to make him look less conspicuous and she tried to convince Deidara to wear a pair of mittens to cover up his hand mouths. He shoved his hands into the pockets of his plaid shorts and turned his nose up at her.

They lined up in the garage and stared owl-eyed at her parents' green Chevy Suburban while Susan opened the garage door. "Alright, everybody get in," she said, opening the driver's side door and climbing into the truck. They continued to stare at it like it was going to rear up and bark at them. "It's not going to eat you, now get in the truck," she told them, slamming the door.

Sasori got in first, claiming the front passenger seat for himself while the others took the two rows of seats in the rear. Once they were all inside, she showed them how to buckle their seatbelts and started up the truck. Everyone clutched the seats apprehensively as she jerkily backed the truck down the driveway. Susan had a little bit of trouble checking her blind spots. Compared to her dinky low-riding Honda, driving her parents' Suburban was almost like driving a bus.

She turned on the radio to help ease the tension as the truck picked up speed and merged onto the busy freeway. Her companions gazed out the windows in slack-jawed wonder as they surveyed the lay of the land. The spires and buildings of the city loomed in the distance while an abundance of houses, parks, schools, fast food joints, gas stations, apartment buildings and strip malls littered the foreground. Tobi pointed at things and bombarded Susan with questions. After a while Deidara leaned forward and peered over Susan's shoulder to examine the array of buttons that operated the truck's audio system. He reached out to touch one of the knobs on the radio, turning the volume way up. "_Sweet Dreams_" by the Eurythmics exploded out of the speakers. The truck hummed under the stress of the bass and Hidan and Kisame plugged their ears while Tobi started singing completely off pitch. Sasori and Susan both reached for the volume and turned it down.

The truck pulled into a crowded parking lot and everyone pressed their noses to the window to see where they had stopped.

"Wal-Mart?" asked Hidan. "This doesn't look like your average market to me."

"They sell just about everything you'd ever need in there," said Susan.

When they got inside the automatic doors, Susan stopped them and looked them over one more time. "Stay close and keep your hands and tongues to yourselves. I don't want anyone wandering away while we're in here, got it?" said Susan, eyeing each of her companions like a drill sergeant.

"Yeah, yeah, we got it," said Deidara, giving her a mock solute and rolling his eyes.

"Okay. Come on, kiddies," said Susan, picking out a shopping cart and leading them through the automatic doors.

"It's cold in here, un," said Deidara, rubbing his arms.

"Kind of makes you want those mittens now, doesn't it?" said Susan. Deidara scowled and shoved his hands into his pockets again.

They got some odd looks from people as they walked around the store. Susan tried not to look embarrassed and checked the list of items she had prepared. "Okay, the first thing we need to get is toilet paper," she said.

"There sure are some funny-looking people in here," said Kisame, watching the other customers walk by him with interest. Susan looked around and took notice of the assortment of shoppers—normal people of all shapes and sizes, some of which were sporting some not-so-hot fashion trends: shorts that were a little too short and shirts that were a little too outdated or were too big or small and hugged in all the wrong places, small things like that. She looked at Kisame—more specifically at his chosen ensemble of a bright red Hawaiian shirt and khaki shorts that clashed garishly with his pale blue skin—and the irony of his statement almost made her choke on her own spit. Was he serious?

They found the paper products and Tobi sprang forth to grab a large package of toilet paper off the shelf. He slam-dunked it into the shopping cart, causing it to rattle noisily. "Got it!" he yelled, pumping his fist in the air. Susan dropped a package of paper towels in the cart and they moved on to the cosmetic aisle. The men loitered around looking extremely bored as she looked carefully through the makeup aisle for mascara and foundation for her face.

She came back to the cart with her findings and looked at Hidan who was staring at something over her shoulder with an appalled expression. "What's your problem?" she asked him.

"I think I just saw the world's biggest ass wearing the world's tiniest pair of shorts," said Hidan, craning his head as his eyes followed said pair of butt-huggers as they loped away one cheek at a time.

"Yeah, it looked like that lady's butt crack was actually eating her pants," said Deidara.

"Tobi saw a he dressed as a she! At least Tobi thinks it was a he dressed as a she..." said Tobi, tapping his finger against his mask.

"It could have been your mother for all you know, hmm," said Deidara.

"What's next on the list?" said Sasori, looking anxious for once.

"Tampons," said Susan. Everybody groaned. Susan ignored them and pressed onward to the aisle containing feminine products. Her five male companions averted their eyes when they approached the shelves stocked with every conceivable brand of tampon and sanitary napkins.

"Holy fuck, why do you women need so many damn…_things_?" said Hidan, wincing at the sight of a box of Maxi pads.

"God, you guys are so immature it's unreal," said Susan, tossing a box of tampons into her cart.

"You could have told us you were going out to buy girly stuff otherwise we wouldn't have come with you," said Deidara.

"Shut up and push the cart," said Susan, storming off to find the next item on her list with Sasori following close behind. She wandered through the health aisles looking for band-aids and Midol, so engrossed in her activities that she didn't notice that Deidara, Hidan, Kisame and Tobi had disappeared with the shopping cart.

"Uh, Susan-san," said Sasori.

"What?" she asked sharply, distracted by her pending decision between extra strength and regular Midol.

"We've lost them," he said.

Susan whipped around to look at Sasori and saw that he was the only one standing next to her. She grabbed him by the shirt and looked frantically at him. "Did you see where they went?" she asked him. He shook his head. Susan rolled her eyes and closed them tightly as she smacked her head onto his shoulder, half-sighing and half-whining something about troublesome ninjas into his shirt. Sasori raised his eyebrows and looked around nervously.

"Ow. Your shoulder is hard as wood," she said, lifting her head and rubbing the sore spot there. "We have to find them before they get into trouble."

They split up and wandered up and down the nearby aisles in search of their missing companions. They met up by the pharmaceutical counter empty-handed. "You're the only responsible one I brought along," said Susan as they walked alongside each other. "How is it that you listen to everything I say and with them it all goes in one ear and out the other?"

"They are simply curious about this place," said Sasori. "But I understand your frustration."

"Where do you think they went?" she asked.

"It's hard to say. What other things does this store sell that they would be interested in?" he asked.

"Well, there's the grocery section, the automobile section, the home improvement section, the electronics and entertainment section…" Susan trailed off as it finally dawned on her. She and Sasori looked at each other.

"TV," they said in unison.

^.^.^.^.^

"I'm getting hungry," said Kisame.

"Me too, un," said Deidara, leaning over the cart as he pushed it along.

"I'm so hungry I could eat the ass out of a dead horse," said Hidan.

"Ew. I'd pay good money to see you do that, though," said Deidara.

"Fuck you," said Hidan.

"You would," said Deidara.

"Tobi's stomach is talking," said Tobi, clutching his belly.

"We'll make her take us to McDonald's after we get out of here," said Kisame.

"What's a McDonald's?" asked Tobi.

"It's a restaurant," said Kisame. "The little brat told me about it. They serve hamburgers and French fries there. Frankly, I've been wanting to try it."

"Kisame the food connoisseur, hmmm?" said Deidara.

"That sounds like shit but I'll eat anything right now," said Hidan.

"Where are we going again?" asked Tobi.

"We're looking for where they keep the TVs," said Kisame.

"Hey, there's something! Electronics. That must be it, un," said Deidara, pointing at the large sign.

Tobi jumped into the cart and pointed the way. "To the electronics!" he warbled.

"Get out of the cart, you idiot!" said Deidara as he shoved the cart.

"Giddyup!" said Tobi. Deidara paused and an evil smile crept onto his face.

"You want a ride? I'll give you a ride!" he said as he jolted forward, charging down the aisle with the loaded cart skating in front of him. Kisame and Hidan looked at each other before they took off after them.

"Woooo-hoooo!" Tobi cheered, throwing his arms up over his head.

"Hey, what the hell are you doing? You're going to get us caught!" roared Kisame. Deidara stopped short and lifted the rear wheels of the cart off the ground, dumping Tobi onto the floor where he skidded a yard away and crashed into a DVD display.

"That's what you get for being an idiot," said Deidara as he wheeled the cart past Tobi who was lying in a pile of DVDs. Kisame bent down and picked up one of the movies that lay on top of Tobi's head.

"Hmm. 'Jurassic Park'?" he mumbled the title out loud and turned the box over to read the print on the back. Hidan walked up and looked at the DVD cover.

"Come on, let's go," he said, grabbing the movie out of Kisame's hand and throwing it into the cart.

They paraded noisily through the home entertainment section until they found the television sets. Deidara was drawn to the surround sound system display complete with a couch for people to sit and sample the amplified power of theater sound. He and Kisame plopped down on the couch while Hidan and Tobi were sifting through the DVD section.

"Does Hidan-san think Susan-san will let us watch movies?" asked Tobi.

"I don't give a shit if she does or not. If I wanna watch a movie, I'm gonna watch a fucking movie," said Hidan.

A woman with a baby riding in her shopping cart stopped beside them. As she walked around the side of the aisle to look at something, Tobi noticed the baby who was staring wide-eyed at him from the confines of its baby seat. "Oh, look at the baby, Hidan-san!" said Tobi as he leaned over the infant. Hidan looked around Tobi's shoulder and the baby's large, blue eyes settled on him. A smile puckered its wet lips as it blew a slobbery raspberry at him and giggle-cooed.

Tobi held his hand up and wiggled his fingers in front of the baby's face. "Little baby's so cute! She's got a fuzzy little head just like a peach! Yes she does!" he cooed. The baby giggled and tried to grab his hand.

Hidan looked as though he was about to gag. He grabbed Tobi by the collar of his turtleneck sweater. "Let's get out of here. Those things creep me out," he said, dragging Tobi away from the baby who held her little arms out toward them as she began to wail.

Meanwhile, Deidara and Kisame were enjoying being blasted with noise from the surround sound system when a store employee approached them. "Hi there! Do you guys have any questions about the home theater system?" he asked with a smile that was a little too wide for his face.

Deidara and Kisame glared at him. "No," they said. The smile drooped off of the guy's face and he cleared his throat, putting his hands behind his back.

"Well, if you need any help, my name's Rick," he said. The two ninjas stared coolly at him. "I'll just be over there," said Rick as he backed away. Deidara looked at Kisame and the shark man just shrugged his shoulders.

A pair of hands came down on each of their shoulders and clasped them tightly. "Have either of you gentlemen seen a blond idiot and his big blue ox around here?" asked Susan in a dangerously low voice as she leaned her head between theirs. Both ninjas froze and slowly turned to look at her.

Sasori came up beside Susan. "Where are the other two?" he asked.

Right then Hidan appeared with Tobi and a stack of movies in his hands. He looked disappointed as he spotted Susan leaning over Deidara and Kisame. "So you two finally found us," he said to Sasori.

"You masked your chakras so that I couldn't find you, but your move was predictable as always," said Sasori.

Hidan scowled at him and let go of Tobi. "At least I'm not pussy whipped by that woman like you are, puppet man. Are you letting her work your strings now?" he sneered.

"Obviously you're the least intelligent member of this group," said Sasori. "Leader gave us specific instruction to follow the rules our host and hostess have laid down for us. If you had been listening, you wouldn't be in hot water like you are now."

Hidan snorted. "What is she gonna do, spank us?" he asked, looking nastily at Susan.

"Don't underestimate me," said Susan. "I could knock you into next week if I wanted to."

Hidan laughed. "Give it your best shot," he said smoothly.

Susan gritted her teeth and took a step toward him when Sasori put his hand on her shoulder. "Don't encourage him," he said.

Susan shrugged his hand off and looked at Deidara and Kisame. "Come on. We're checking out," she said, hating the defeated sound of her voice.

The noon sun was bearing down brightly when they exited the store with their purchases. Kisame announced that he was hungry when they had gotten back on the road and everyone else except Sasori insisted that they stop at the nearest McDonald's to get lunch. Since Susan forgot to eat breakfast, she decided that it wasn't a bad idea. They pulled into the drive-through and it took forever for everyone to decide what they wanted. Susan finally made the decision for them by ordering ten cheeseburgers and a tremendous amount of fries with five large Cokes; aside from being very hungry, she was also incredibly thirsty from conducting a storewide search for her malfunctioning companions.

As they sat in the truck and ate, Susan couldn't help but say something about the speed at which Tobi, Hidan, Deidara and Kisame were gobbling their food. "You guys shouldn't chow down so fast. You'll make yourselves sick," she told them.

"I never get sick," said Hidan as he shoved a fist full of fries into his mouth.

"The smell of that food is making me nauseous," said Sasori.

"You don't even have a stomach, hmm," said Deidara.

"There must really be something wrong with the food, then," said Sasori.

"It's not the greatest, but it's tasty and it's filling," said Susan.

After everyone had filled their stomachs to capacity, they set out on the road again. The truck was coasting along on the freeway when the complaining began. At first it was groans and moans and then it became full blown verbal protesting from the back seat.

"I don't feel so good, un."

"Tobi doesn't feel good either."

"Pull over!" said Hidan.

Susan looked in the rearview mirror. "What's wrong?"

"Just do it, un."

"Why?" she asked.

"Kisame's turning green," said Deidara.

"So are you, twerp…" Kisame belched.

Sasori undid his seatbelt and turned around to look at his fellow passengers. "I think you better pull over," he told Susan.

"We're on the highway. I can't pull over now," said Susan.

"Stop the fucking truck!" said Hidan.

"Oh, mama…" Tobi moaned.

"They're gonna blow," said Sasori.

"_What?_" Susan said.

"Sweet merciful hell…" said Deidara, wrapping his arms around his middle and banging his head against the window.

Sasori drew back until he was almost sitting on the dashboard. "Susan-san, pull this vehicle over right now or you'll regret it," he said.

"I don't see what's—"

Sasori grabbed the steering wheel and jerked it to the right. Car horns blasted and Susan screamed as the truck swerved onto the shoulder. Her feet hit the brakes and everyone in the backseat slammed against their seatbelts before fumbling to get them off. Susan looked at Sasori and blew a tangle of hair out of her face.

"Don't EVER do that again!" she said.

"You'll thank me later," he told her.

The doors flew open and all four of her backseat passengers stumbled out of the truck. Deidara and Hidan hit the ground on their hands and knees spewing McDonald's all over the pavement while Kisame bent over and was violently emptying the contents of his stomach into the ditch. Susan got out of the truck and stopped short when a spray of regurgitation shot through the air and nearly struck her. Tobi was struggling to control the spout of vomit that was coming out of the single eyehole in his mask. He ran into the ditch and fell to his knees, lifting his mask and letting a long, noisy rip into a cluster of weeds. It was the most magnificent display of cookie tossing Susan had ever seen, and not in a good way. After about five minutes the retching ceased and the four nauseated ninjas were lying spent on the ground.

"Well, that was interesting," said Sasori through the open passenger window. A small smile graced his lips as he surveyed the mess on the side of the road.

"Why did you let us eat that?" said Deidara who was lying facedown on the gravel next to the ditch.

"I honestly didn't know that was going to happen," said Susan.

"It tasted so good. Why did it have to come back up?" said Tobi as he curled into a fetal position.

"You guys must have gotten motion sickness from riding in the truck and after eating all of that greasy food…" said Susan.

"That felt _so_ fucking good," said Hidan, rolling onto his back.

Kisame had yet to regain consciousness.

The remainder of the ride home was quiet save for the soft lyrics and placid guitar strums of a Harry Nilsson song floating out of the radio. Susan stopped at the drug store to pick up some Alka-Seltzer and ginger ale for the ailing ninjas. Deidara, Tobi, Hidan and Kisame all had plastic garbage bags in their laps in case they felt the urge to be sick.

"I'm sorry. I really am," she told them for the hundredth time. Deidara groaned and turned over in his seat, resting his head on Kisame's shoulder. The shark ninja looked within an inch of comatose.

"I'd eat it again," said Hidan. "I don't care how sick I get. That was the best thing I've ever tasted."

"You'll never eat another French fry as long as I can help it," said Sasori.

"I agree with him. No more McDonald's for you guys," said Susan. A funny thought occurred to her and she started chuckling. "You guys could make a new ninja move out of that. Power Barf no Jutsu!" She looked at Sasori and saw that he was smiling at her little joke.

"That's so fuckin' funny I forgot to laugh," said Hidan as he laid his head back and shut his eyes.

Mark was in the living room poring over a book on advanced algebra when Susan came into the house followed by four sickly ninjas and a still-smiling Sasori. "What happened to them?" he asked as he watched Kisame, Deidara, Hidan and Tobi trudge down to the basement while Sasori carried all of the shopping bags into the kitchen.

Susan collapsed into the armchair next to the couch. "They got sick on the way home," she said, scrubbing a hand over her face. "You should have seen it. It was so gross." She started laughing. "Actually, it was pretty darn funny, too."

"Really?" said Mark, leaning on the arm of the couch and resting his chin in the palm of his hand.

"Oh man, it was like they rode the tilt-a-whirl after one too many mini donuts or something," said Susan, wiping a tear from the corner of her eye. "I don't think we should take these guys to an amusement park. The combination of rides and greasy food would give them a hell of a tummy ache."

Mark smiled. "So you had fun?"

Susan looked at him and cleared her throat. "Well, no," she said. "They got away from me and Sasori when we were at the store."

"It looks like you brought everyone home," said Mark.

"Those four are like a bunch of little kids," said Susan, jerking her thumb over her shoulder. "The only one who would listen to me was the puppet master over there."

"Do you think they had time to be kids when they were younger?" asked Mark.

Susan looked at him curiously. "What do you mean?"

"Think about it. They don't have normal lives like we do. I'm pretty sure they've seen a lot of serious stuff go down," said Mark.

"They're ninjas," said Susan. "There is nothing normal about being a ninja."

"I guess. But I think they're sort of starting to mellow out since they've been here a couple of days. This could be good for them, you know?" said Mark, flipping his book closed and setting it aside.

"What are you getting at?" said Susan.

"Nothing. Just making an observation," said Mark. He sighed and sat up on the couch. "It's pretty hot out. I think I'm gonna go swimming. You want to go?"

"If you go swimming, they're gonna want to go swimming, too," said Susan.

"That's why I'm going to ask them if they want to go," said Mark, getting up from the couch.

"What are the neighbors going to think if they saw a bunch of ninjas swimming in our backyard?" asked Susan.

"Forget the neighbors. Let them think what they want," said Mark. "These guys haven't lived until they've experienced a pool party."

Sasori poked his head around the corner. "Pool party?"

* * *

Pool party? Hell yes! Where there's a pool, there's a party. Throw in some fun noodles (you know, those colorful foam pool toys that look like giant spaghetti noodles?) and some crazy ninjas and you've got yourself a riot on your hands. Aw man. That sounds pretty awesome.

By the way, all of the music mentioned in this story has some meaning to the situation in which it appears. The Patsy Cline song playing at the beginning of the chapter is called "Sweet Dreams (Of You)" and the Harry Nilsson song playing on the radio in the car is called "Coconut " - I heard that song one day and couldn't stop laughing at the lyrics. It made so much sense that I just had to squeeze it in here.

So. Reviews? Yes? No? At least let me know if I should put a playlist of songs for this fic onto my profile. For some reason I like doing ridiculous crap like that. I'm a musical nerd as well as an anime and manga nerd.

Later!


	6. Swimming with Sharks

Hi again! This is kind of a silly chapter much like the last one. However, it won't all be fun and games.

P.S. You might want to read the author's note at the end.

Disclaimer: I don't own anybody or anything except for my OCs.

* * *

Chapter 6

Swimming with Sharks

Mark clamored down the stairs to the basement and found Kisame, Deidara, Hidan and Tobi sprawled on the floor nursing cups of ginger ale and Alka-Seltzer. Itachi, Pain and Kakuzu were sitting on the couch watching CNN.

"Who wants to go swimming?" said Mark. Everyone on the floor perked up at his invitation.

"Yeah!" Deidara pushed himself up and wobbled on his feet.

Kisame stood up with a roaring stretch. "Is your sister gonna join us?" he asked. Everyone except Pain and Kakuzu looked at Mark.

He looked from one expectant face to another. "She might," he said. He looked at Pain. "Is it alright with you if they go swimming?" he asked the Akatsuki leader.

Pain looked at Deidara and then Kisame. "I will permit it under the condition that you and our hostess monitor their activities at all times. The house rules still stand and I will not see them broken," he said.

"So that's a yes?" said Mark. Pain shut his eyes and nodded, though he didn't look pleased with his decision.

"Okay. We don't have enough swimming trunks for everyone, so you guys can swim in a pair of shorts or whatever," said Mark.

Tobi sat up. "What about Tobi? Can Tobi wear these clothes in the pool?"

"My parents' clothes? I don't think so. But I have my brother's old wetsuit if you want to wear that. It has sleeves and stuff," said Mark.

"Is wearing clothes optional?" asked Hidan.

"**NO**," everyone said in unison.

Hidan glowered at the floor. "Damn it, why not?"

"Because nobody wants your flat ass hanging out for the world to see," said Kakuzu.

"It's better than looking at _your_ ass, you old fart," Hidan retorted.

"Shut up or you're gonna get your flat ass handed to you on a platter," Kakuzu growled.

"I'm gonna go change," said Mark. He quickly left the others to listen to Hidan and Kakuzu bicker about the do's and don'ts of public nudity.

Everyone congregated on the deck surrounding the pool with Mark in the lead. Pain and Konan had come out of the house and went across the yard to sit in the shade of a tree while Kakuzu sat and glowered under the awning. Zetsu was sitting on a tree branch watching everyone from above. Mark looked up and noticed that the plant man was free of the Venus flytrap he seemed to wear like a shell. His lithe form was shadowed by the glare of the sun leaking between the leaves, but Mark could make out the gleam of his lighter half in the shade.

"You can come down and join us if you want," Mark told him.

"As tempting as it is, we are much more comfortable up here," said Zetsu's melodious light voice.

"**We prefer to watch from above**," said his darker voice. "**It gives us an advantage should anyone approach the perimeter unannounced**."

Mark understood that he was concerned—some would even say obsessed—with security, but didn't the plant man get bored up there after a while? Mark set the towels down and noticed that Hidan, Deidara and Kisame were the only ones who looked as though they were going swimming. Tobi was still inside struggling into his borrowed wetsuit and Itachi quietly sauntered over to one of the foldout chairs on the deck.

Mark didn't know what to make of Itachi at this point. The Uchiha had been very quiet and watchful. Like Pain and Konan, he didn't need to be chaperoned, which was good because Mark and Susan had their hands full with the others. But it was chilling how self-contained he was. Mark wanted to talk to him, but no matter how many ways he thought about it, there was no easy method of approaching the somber ninja. Itachi was tightly closed off. Mark wondered what he thought of what was going on. Kisame wouldn't break confidentiality when it came to discussing his partner, so it was no use trying to pry information out of him about the inner workings of Itachi. Mark supposed that some things had to remain sacred between partners in Akatsuki.

He went underneath the deck and pulled out some floaties and foam fun noodles, and tossed them into the pool. Kisame took to the water right away while Hidan and Deidara dipped their feet in to test the temperature. Mark sat on the edge of the pool near Itachi and dangled his legs in the water. He glanced around at the surrounding backyards and didn't see any of his neighbors, but he wondered if some of them were at their windows watching the strange new people hanging out in his backyard. At that moment, Mark started thinking of excuses he could make in case one of his neighbors decided to come outside and questions about his peculiar houseguests. But even if Mark could get away with lying, his neighbors would likely mention something to his parents when they came home. If that happened, Mark and Susan would be in deep trouble. Perhaps it wasn't such a good idea to let the ninjas roam free in his backyard.

"Are you two pussies gonna get in or are you gonna stand there all day dipping your dainty little toes in the water?" said Kisame.

"Shut up! Not all of us are as aquatically inclined as you are," said Hidan.

Kisame grinned and rose up out of the water. He started forming hand signs and Mark suddenly realized what he was about to do.

"No, no, no, wait!" he cried. A jet of water erupted out of Kisame's mouth and it knocked Hidan and Deidara halfway across the yard. The wave washed over the prone ninjas and through the chain link fence where it swamped the neighboring yard.

"Is that warm enough for ya?" said Kisame.

Hidan sat up and glared fiercely at him. "Oh, it's on now! You barked up the wrong tree, fish fucker!"

He charged towards the pool and leaped high into the air. Mark scrambled out of the way as the Jashinist landed in the water with a massive splash and tackled Kisame, wrapping an arm around his neck and jamming his fist under the shark man's jaw. Deidara wasn't far behind as he dove into the pool and climbed onto Kisame, locking the larger man's arm in an awkward hold as he and Hidan wrestled with their opponent. Kisame freed his arms and reached around to grab both of his comrades by the neck, pulling them off of his back. Hidan and Deidara gritted their teeth and struggled as they dangled from his double chokehold.

"You little bastards are gonna have to try harder than that," said Kisame. He squeezed their necks harder until the sound of crackling vertebrae could be heard over the lapping of the water.

"What are you guys doing?" Everyone snapped to attention as Susan walked out onto the deck with a book under her arm. She looked at Kisame and then at Hidan and Deidara who were starting to turn purple from lack of oxygen. All three of them stared at her like deer caught on the train tracks. Maybe it had something to do with the swimsuit she was wearing. They definitely weren't looking at her eyes. Yep, it was the swimsuit. Great.

"Could you let go of them?" she asked Kisame. "They look like they're about to pass out."

Kisame dropped his captives into the water and smiled broadly at her. "Well, look who it is," he mused.

Susan crossed her arms. "You look right at home in the water there, shark man," she said.

His eyes scanned her up and down. "Nice swimsuit."

Susan tugged her blue one-piece swimsuit down securely over her butt. It was a little snug after spending so many useless months in her closet. She sometimes wondered if she'd ever wear it again.

Hidan and Deidara surfaced and dragged themselves over the side of the pool by Susan's feet, clutching their sore necks. They looked up at her with sour expressions and Susan smiled smugly at them.

"Enjoying your swim, kids?" she asked them.

"Why don't you come down here and find out, hmm," said Deidara.

"I'd rather get sunburned," said Susan. She headed over to the lawn chair next to Itachi. He looked like he was meditating but as Susan approached he cracked his eyes open to look at her. She avoided his unnerving red eyes as she made herself comfortable on the lawn chair and started reading her book.

Deidara and Hidan looked at each other and grinned slyly. They climbed out of the pool and crawled over to where Susan was reading her book. They rose up on either side of her and Hidan grabbed her under her arms while Deidara grabbed her around the legs.

She screeched as they lifted her up and carried her toward the pool. "Oh, no, no, no, don't you dare!"

They tossed her into the pool where she landed with a scream and a splash. Itachi received a direct sprinkling of water and glowered at the two culprits as they cackled and high fived each other. Susan burst out of the water and gasped.

"You two are so dead!" she said, grabbing one of the fun noodles floating in the water and waving it at Hidan and Deidara.

"Oh, no! The little girl's gonna whip us with a wet noodle," Hidan teased.

"I'll show _you_ a wet noodle!" Susan lunged forward and whipped him across the face with the fun noodle. A resounding crack pierced the air, causing Pain and Konan to turn their heads toward the pool. Kakuzu smirked and let out a growling chuckle. Hidan touched the red streak growing on his cheek and lifted an eyebrow. Neither of them expected the fun noodle to strike again when Susan hit Deidara between the eyes.

"Araaaah!" He yelled and fell backwards onto the lawn chair.

Susan held the fun noodle aloft as if it were a sword. "Anybody else want some?"

"I'll take a piece of that action," said Kisame as he towered behind her. Susan looked over her shoulder at him.

"Yikes..." She dropped the fun noodle and started paddling away from him. He dove under the water and came up underneath her, grabbing her around the waist and hauling her up and out of the water.

"Oh, crap!" Susan yipped. With a roar, Kisame lifted her high above his head before tossing her back into the pool. She landed with a loud slap, sending a wave over the side of the pool where it washed over Itachi and Mark, soaking them both. Mark laughed and looked at Itachi. The ninja's mouth tightened and his eyes narrowed until they were nearly slits.

Deidara and Hidan sprang back into the pool as Susan was trying to climb out. Deidara grabbed her by the ankle and pulled her back in. She fell onto him, knocking them both backwards. Susan kicked wildly to get away and ran smack into Kisame. The shark ninja raised his arms to catch her when Mark jumped onto his back, wrapping his scrawny arms around his neck.

"What the—!" Kisame stumbled backwards and reached behind him, trying to pluck the boy off of his back, but Mark wrapped his skinny legs securely around his broad chest and hung on.

Susan watched her little brother cling to the shark man as Kisame yelled and danced about, stirring the water to stormy swells that slapped the sides of the pool. She couldn't help but snort and double over in a fit of laughter. However, she failed to notice Deidara sneak up behind her. Before she knew what was happening, she was shoved underwater. There was hardly any air left in her lungs as a pair of hands clutched her around the ribs, causing her to laugh even harder. Fingers crawled along her sides as if their owner knew they had found her weakness—her ticklish spot. She opened her eyes and saw wisps of blonde hair floating around her, and she grabbed the hands at her sides and pried them away as she broke the surface.

"Cut it out!" she gasped, bracing her feet against Deidara's chest and pushing away from him. Loud footsteps slapped on the deck and Susan turned to see a black blur shoot into the air and blot the sun out of the sky. A shadow fell over her as the object plunged closer to earth with a high-pitched yell.

"BANZAI!"

Susan barely had time to get out of the way before Tobi belly flopped into the pool. Kisame fell over, taking a screaming Mark down with him, and Hidan and Deidara were hit in the eyes with a wave of chlorinated water. They rubbed their eyes furiously. "Shit, that burns!" yelled Hidan.

Tobi floated on his back and kicked water at Kisame while the shark man balanced Mark on his shoulders and yelled at the masked ninja. Susan swam over to one of the floating lounge rafts and climbed onto it, collapsing on her stomach and breathing a sigh of relief. Her belly was sore and stiff from laughing so hard. The raft drifted over to where Itachi was sitting and she saw that the ninja had discovered the book she dropped before she was thrown into the pool. He was flipping through the pages, his eyes swiftly moving back and forth as he scanned paragraph after paragraph.

"You're certainly a fast reader," she said. Itachi looked up at her and blinked. He reminded Susan of a crocodile, or some other coldblooded creature. He didn't look like a lizard, but he certainly embodied their impassive stillness. He looked exactly how a crocodile looked before it struck its prey.

"Move to your left," he told her.

Susan pushed herself onto her elbows. "Why?"

Something rammed into the raft from below, socking Susan in the gut and flipping her over. She coughed and sputtered as a pair of arms wrapped around her from behind and squeezed the air out of her. Hidan crushed her to his chest and lifted her up. She kicked and thrashed, but he didn't seem to mind her struggling.

"Let go! I can't breathe!" she wheezed. Deidara had claimed the raft for himself and folded his hands behind his head, smiling smugly at her. Susan swept her leg over the surface of the water, creating a sprinkler effect that sprayed the blond ninja.

Hidan squatted down in the water before launching upward with ungodly speed. Susan screamed as she was met with a rush of air and momentary weightlessness before they plummeted and Hidan slammed them both into the water. He released her and she floated limply over to the side and dragged herself out. She turned over and formed a T with her hands as Hidan charged at her.

"Time out!" she heaved, trying to catch her breath. Hidan paused right as he was about to pounce on her. "Goddamn, you guys play rough," she said.

"We don't play any other way," said Hidan.

"So I noticed," said Susan, pulling herself up and sitting on the edge of the pool, rubbing her sore gut. She looked over at Kisame and Mark. Her little brother was standing on the shark man's shoulders bouncing a beach ball up into the tree where Zetsu batted it back at him, though it didn't look like he was doing it in the way of play.

Susan looked over at Itachi. "Aren't you gonna swim?" she asked him.

"The Uchiha doesn't like to get his pretty little head wet," sneered Deidara as he floated up beside her. Itachi glared at him.

"I prefer to sit in the warmth of the sun," he said.

"It's pretty warm in the water, too," said Susan. "You don't know what you're missing."

"No, thank you," said Itachi.

"Afraid you'll look like a wet dog, hmm?" said Deidara.

"Hardly," said Itachi.

Deidara sat up and straddled the raft, pointing a finger at the gloomy Uchiha. "If that's how you're gonna be, I'll give you a little incentive, hmm. I challenge you to a contest!" he said.

Itachi looked up at him with slightly raised eyebrows. "And what might this contest be?"

"I bet I can hold my breath longer than you can underwater," said Deidara.

"What is the point of that?" asked Itachi.

"It'll get you into the water for one thing," blurted Susan.

"I can hold my breath for exactly three minutes and twenty seconds," said Deidara. "Can you beat that, hmm?"

"I don't know," said Itachi. "I don't spend my time trying to beat my own personal record for longest breath held underwater."

"That's because you like to spend all of your time being an arrogant asshole," said Deidara, his voice going ragged with anger.

Itachi set the book down and unfolded his legs. "If it will make you stop acting like a silly child, I'll take you up on your challenge," he said, peeling his shirt off.

"There's a catch," said Deidara. "You have to stand on your hands and keep your legs straight above the water. If you fall over or bend your knees, you lose. If you run out of air, you lose."

"Fair enough," said Itachi as he sat on the edge of the pool and slid into the water.

"You'll be the judge," Deidara told Susan. He was so deadly serious that she wondered if this contest had sprung from a personal vendetta.

Sasori wandered outside and sat down cross-legged next to Susan. "Let me guess. Another contest?" he asked her. Susan jumped and looked at him.

"They're going to see who can hold their breath the longest underwater," said Susan.

"They do this almost every time they're within proximity of each other," said Sasori. "Deidara is quite childish, but for some reason Itachi indulges him anyway."

They watched Itachi wade over to Deidara. "Maybe he enjoys it," said Susan.

"I don't think so," said Sasori.

Deidara looked at Susan. "Ready?"

She nodded. "Are you guys ready?"

"On your mark," said Deidara.

"Breathe deep, gentlemen," said Susan. "Go!"

Itachi and Deidara dove underwater and lifted their legs into the air. "Who do you think will win?" Susan asked Sasori.

"It's hard to say," he said.

"What the fuck are those two doing?" asked Hidan as he waded over and rested his elbow on the side of the pool.

"Handstand contest," said Susan. "We're seeing who can hold their breath the longest."

"Giddyup, Kisame-san!" yelled Tobi.

"Get the hell off me, you little freak! I'm not a fucking hobbyhorse!" Kisame bellowed as he tried to wrestle Tobi off his back. He stumbled over to where Deidara and Itachi were still upside down in the water. Mark was wading after them, holding onto Tobi's ankle as the masked ninja tried to climb onto Kisame's shoulders.

Susan waved her arms frantically. "Hey, watch out for—"

Kisame barreled into the hand-standing ninjas, falling with the grace of a dead tree onto Itachi and dumping Tobi onto Deidara. Susan covered her face with her hands and peeked through her fingers.

Itachi stood up and glared at Kisame. The shark ninja sank low in the water, submerged up to the pained look in his eyes. Tobi had latched onto Deidara and the blond ninja sputtered and swore as he treaded water trying to shake his unwanted passenger off.

Hidan was laughing hysterically at them. "What a cluster fuck you guys are!" he brayed.

Mark swam over to Itachi and poked him gently in the arm. The Uchiha turned to him and Mark held something out to him. "Your necklace. It fell off," said Mark.

Itachi took it from him. "Thank you," he said softly.

Mark smiled at him. "No problem," he said before he quickly paddled away to rescue Deidara from the clutches of Tobi.

"Well, that contest was a failure," said Susan.

"Indeed," said Sasori. "It's a stupid thing to be doing anyway."

"You think?" asked Susan.

"It serves no purpose," said Sasori.

"Are you gonna go swimming?" she asked him.

"That wouldn't be a very good idea," said Sasori.

"Because of your puppet parts?" said Susan. Sasori pursed his lips and nodded. Susan leaned closer to him and studied the seams in the flesh around his elbows.

"Exactly how much of you is puppet parts and how much of you is still…you?" she asked him. As she waited for him to speak, she noticed a deep crease form between his eyebrows. He stared intently at the water and Susan thought the habitually serene ninja looked unsettled. She suddenly felt like she had done something wrong.

"Sorry," she said, looking away. "I shouldn't have asked you that."

"It's fine," said Sasori. "It's just been a while since I last thought about it."

Tobi popped out of the water and climbed up to sit between them. "Tobi likes your pool!" he said to Susan. "Except for the chlorine. Everybody's eyes are sore now."

Susan looked at the others and saw Deidara and Hidan rubbing their eyes. Kisame's eyes looked particularly red and even Itachi delicately rubbed one of his eyes with his index finger.

Mark sat down next to Susan. "They all had their eyes open underwater," he said. "I guess they're not used to the chemicals."

"Time to break out the eye drops," Susan sighed. She stood up and headed into the house.

"I should have told them not to open their eyes underwater," said Mark.

"It's their own fault," said Sasori.

"Hey Mark! Who're your new friends?"

Mark whipped his head around to see his next door neighbor, Nicky, leaning over the fence. She waved at him and looked curiously at the ninjas who had taken keen notice of her as well. Mark got up and headed over to the fence.

"Hey, Nicky. What's up?" he asked her.

"Who are they?" asked Nicky, craning her head to get a better look at them.

"Those are just some friends…of my sister's," said Mark.

"Really?" said Nicky. She squinted as she caught sight of Kisame. "Did you know that the big guy over there is blue?"

Mark scratched the back of his neck. "Yeah, well, they're all actors, so…they have to be in character all the time to, uh, prepare for their roles. That's why the blue guy is wearing blue makeup."

"Yeah?" she said.

"Yup," said Mark. He gritted his teeth and hoped to God she would accept his answer and go away. Fifteen-year-old Nicky Spitzer could be nosy when she really wanted to. She was a chatty cheerleader in high school—hair dyed black with a deep machine-made tan, too much mascara clumped around her eyes and a poochy bubblegum lipstick mouth that captivated Mark every time she spoke. He didn't like to think that he had a crush on her, but the flaming hot sensation in his cheeks betrayed his objection to the idea.

Nicky smiled and waved at the ninjas. Only Tobi waved back, but Deidara slapped him upside the head and smacked his arm down.

"Some of them are kinda hot," said Nicky. "Do they do modeling and stuff?"

Mark shook his head. "Nope," he said and pressed his lips into a tight line.

"That's a shame. They look like they could do better at modeling," she said.

"Yeah, well, they prefer the theater arts," said Mark.

Nicky looked at him and her smile faded. She held up an empty pet collar. "Have you seen Burger? I found his collar out here this morning but I haven't seen him since last night when I let him out."

Mark reached out and grasped the collar, examining its ripped fibers and the scratched ID tags. "No, I haven't seen him," he said.

Nicky usually let her cat out at night and in the morning Burger would show up by the patio door of her house looking fat and happy. Mark often ended up shooing the cat out of his yard whenever he spotted Burger doing his nightly hunting on the property. He was a big orange tabby with a bad attitude.

"This thing looks pretty beat up," said Mark, tapping the collar in Nicky's hand.

"The buckle is all twisted," she said, turning it over and showing Mark the bent metal fastener. "See?"

Mark frowned. "That's strange."

Nicky sucked the inside of her cheek and released it with a pop. "Yeah. I found a bunch of cat hair in the grass, too," she said. "I hope he didn't get into a fight and lose."

"Whatever he was fighting, it looks like the thing must have been pretty strong to bend the metal part like that," said Mark.

Nicky looked at him worriedly. "I hope not," she said. "Look, if you see Burger, will you tell me right away?"

Mark nodded. "Sure."

"Okay," she said, squeezing the collar between her fingers as she turned and walked away. "Thanks," she called over her shoulder.

"No problem," said Mark. He watched her go back into her house before he went back over to the deck.

"Who was that?" asked Sasori.

"My neighbor," said Mark as he sat down next to him. "She was asking if I've seen her cat running around here. He lost his collar and she thinks he might be missing, too."

"She seemed very interested in us," said Kisame.

"I told her you guys are actors preparing for your roles in a stage production," said Mark. "So if anyone asks you why you look the way you look, just tell them you're thespians."

"Do we really look like thespians to you?" said Sasori.

Mark looked at all of them and smiled. "It's either that or you can tell people you're a bunch of exotic dancers or something."

Kisame started laughing. "Exotic dancers! That's a damn good joke, kid."

Susan came back with a bottle of saline eye drops and a pitcher full of water. "Anybody have sore eyeballs?" she asked.

"That and everything is fucking blurry," said Hidan.

"That's because there's pool water in your eyes," said Susan. She sat on the lawn chair and set the containers down. "Come over here if you want me to flush it out."

Kisame, Deidara, Hidan and Itachi lined up in front of her. "Kneel down over here," she told Kisame. He did as he was told and she hovered over him with the water pitcher.

"What's that?" he asked her.

"It's just water," she told him. "Now tip your head back and open those peepers wide."

He obeyed and she doused his eyes with water. She picked up the bottle of saline drops. "Hold still," she said, standing up and putting her hand under his chin, tipping his head back until he was looking straight up at her.

"And what is that?" he asked her, eyeing the bottle suspiciously.

"It's just eye drops. It'll stop the burning," she said, holding the nozzle directly over his eye. "Don't blink," she told him. Four drops later, Kisame was a happy man.

"You're very good at this. Are you by any chance a healer?" he said, grinning a little too contently at her.

Susan swallowed hard and shook her head. "No. I'm not. Next in line!" she said, looking over his shoulder. Shot down, Kisame shuffled away and while Deidara sat down to receive treatment. Both he and Hidan were a struggle. They didn't like having anything pointed at or put into their eyes. Susan had to hold them firmly by the chin and all but peel their eyelids back just to get the drops in.

Itachi was the last to go. He knelt in front of her and Susan leaned in close to check out his eyes. Judging by the look of them, they appeared to be the activated Sharingan. She could see black commas floating in the irises, like moons circling a planet. Susan thought they looked more like tadpoles swimming in blood. The whites of his eyes were terribly bloodshot. She supposed he was more sensitive to chemicals than the others.

"Open your eyes wide," she told him. He obeyed and she watched his pupils contract as she trickled water into his eyes. When she was finished, he held them shut for a few moments.

"Your eyes, are they a family trait?" she asked him.

"What business is that of yours?" he asked coolly, thumbing drops of water out of his eyes.

"Well, you have to admit they're very unusual. They would have to be a rare hereditary feature or else everyone would have them," she said, picking up the bottle of eye drops.

"I was born with them. That's all you should know," he said.

"Really?" she said, standing up and leaning over him. "Look up here and don't blink," she told him, holding the dropper up. He tilted his head back and looked straight into her eyes. His pupils expanded as he focused on her and Susan hesitated for a moment or two. She thought she saw the commas in his eyes shift a little. What did he see with those eyes? As far as Susan knew, the Sharingan could see through illusions and copy ninja techniques, but there had to be more. She hoped he didn't have x-ray vision. That would just be awkward.

The drops went in and he blinked calmly at her. "All done," she said, letting him stand up.

"From what one of your buddies tells me, you can do some pretty fun stuff with those eyes of yours," she said.

"I wouldn't call it fun," he said.

"What would you call it, then?" she asked him. He paused and looked fixedly at her.

"Painful," he said before turning heel and walking into the house.

He had made it apparent that there was more to the Sharingan than seeing through illusions and mirroring techniques. Susan decided that she would have to take some shortcuts and research the _Naruto_ characters online instead of slowly working her way through her brother's manga collection.

"Ouch! You fucker!"

She turned around and saw Hidan chasing Deidara around the yard. Both of them were waving fun noodles over their heads as they zigzagged around each other.

Sasori came up beside Susan. "I am ashamed to call those two my colleagues," he said.

Susan chuckled. "I don't know. They look like they're having fun."

"They look like they're slapping each other silly with foam noodles," he said flatly.

Her smile fell a little as she watched them smack each other tirelessly with the fun noodles. Now that Sasori put it into perspective, they did look kind of…stupid. She squinted as she noticed an odd mouth-shaped design on Deidara's chest, and she pointed it out to Sasori.

"What is that on his chest?" she asked him.

"You don't want to know," said Sasori.

"It looks like a tattoo," she said.

"Then that's what it is."

Susan looked at him skeptically. "It's not just a tattoo, is it?"

"Forget it," he said.

"Come on, what is it?" She tugged on the sleeve of his shirt.

"It's a mouth."

"It's a…" Susan paused and looked at Sasori, pointing a finger at Deidara.

Sasori raised his eyebrows as if to say, '_Well, what else did you expect?_'

"Okay, well, I guess I shouldn't be that surprised. What with all the weird things I've seen already," she said, running a hand through her hair.

"I could say the same thing about being here," said Sasori.

"We need to figure out how to get you guys home soon," said Susan.

"Soon may not happen," said Sasori. "I don't like to admit this, but we may have to prepare ourselves to face the idea that we could be permanently stuck here."

Susan shook her head. "You don't know that yet," she said. "First we all have to sit down and talk about this. See if anyone knows anything that might help us figure out what happened and why."

"You'll have to wait for Leader to call the meeting," said Sasori. "I have a feeling that he knows something we don't."

"Oh?" said Susan.

Mark came up behind them. "Tobi and Kisame think we should have a movie night tonight," he told Susan.

"And let me guess. You think we should have a movie night, too?" said Susan.

Mark smiled at her. "Yup."

Susan watched Hidan chase Deidara up a tree. "If you can make those two stop trying to kill each other with the fun noodles, we're on for movie night."

Mark cupped his hands around his mouth and called to the two dueling ninjas. "Hey! You guys wanna come inside and watch a movie?"

They both froze halfway up the tree. Deidara scrambled back down first, stepping on Hidan's head on the way. He bounded over to Mark. "Let's get it started, hmm!" he said and followed Mark into the house.

Hidan trudged over with grass stuck in his drooping hair. "That fucker will pay for screwing with the hair," he said, smoothing his unruly locks back down as he headed into the house.

Susan sighed, rolling her shoulders and rubbing the back of her neck. "What a day. I don't think I have the energy to make dinner tonight," she said to no one in particular, but Sasori heard her.

"No one said you have to," he told her. "Let them fend for themselves tonight."

As it turned out, Mark was the one who did the cooking. He made popcorn and filled several large bowls with mountains of fluffy white kernels. He brought popcorn and an array of junk food downstairs where all of the Akatsuki members had gathered to watch the movie. Deidara and Mark were still wearing the shorts they swam in and Susan had pulled a pair of sweatpants on over her swimsuit. She made the other two put towels under their damp butts so that they wouldn't get the furniture wet.

Kisame insisted that they watch _Jurassic Park_. Mark turned on the surround sound system and the ninjas were blown away by the noise. They didn't seem to understand that what they were seeing on the screen was mostly just special effects. As Susan understood it, they didn't know anything beyond the illusions of genjutsu. Their world consisted of fantasy and Susan had to remind herself that no matter how real they seemed, the members of Akatsuki were still just cartoons. But it was still so dreamlike. They weren't supposed to exist in the flesh and yet here they were, sitting in the basement of her parents' house watching movies. The absurdity of it wouldn't stop grating on her mind.

She sat on the couch between Sasori and Deidara and ended up sharing a popcorn bowl with the blond ninja. Deidara used the tongue in his hand to collect a handful of popcorn but Susan slapped his hand away, threatening to tape his mouths shut if he didn't stop using his tongues to pick up the food. His response was to shove his hand in her face and let its tongue lick her cheek.

"Ugh! You're disgusting!" she said, wiping the saliva off her face and scooting away from him. He tried to reach for the popcorn and she shoved him away with her foot.

"Takes one to know one, hmm," he said as he smacked her foot away and attempted to crawl over her lap to get at the popcorn bowl. She lifted the bowl above her head.

"Get off me!" she said.

"Give me the popcorn!" he said, crushing her thigh with his knee as he reached for the bowl.

Susan dumped the popcorn over the front of the couch where it rained down on Mark and Kisame. She wedged her legs against Deidara's chest and shoved him back over to his side of the couch. He grabbed an empty pop can and threw it at her but Susan blocked his shot. The can bounced off her hand and hit Kisame in the back of the head.

"Hey, watch where you're throwing," grunted the shark man.

Susan grabbed a bag of chips and hurled it at Deidara. He knocked it away and corn chips pelted everyone sitting within a five-foot radius.

"Will you stop throwing shit? We're trying to watch the movie!" said Hidan. There were chimes of agreement from some of the others.

After the first movie was finished, Mark put on _Evil Dead 2_. Susan protested and said it was too violent, but the others overthrew her with piqued interest. She decided not to stick around for that movie and went upstairs to her room, closing the door and taking out her laptop. 'Might as well get started on that research,' she thought as she typed "Naruto" into the search engine. The result was a seemingly endless list of fan websites loaded with information that included character backgrounds and picture galleries.

She read about the Akatsuki organization before she looked at its member profiles. All of their stories were a mixture of the bizarre and immense tragedy, but the one that disturbed her the most was Itachi's story. He had murdered his entire clan but spared his little brother who, as it turned out, was Uchiha Sasuke. The revelation was mind numbing to say the very least. She was housing a bunch of dangerously classified criminals trained in the art of torture and murder, and they were led by a man who not only claimed to be a god, but was also hell bent on world domination—a unifying peace wrought by violence.

They were murderers. And her defenseless little brother was sitting cozy with them downstairs.

"Oh, my god..." Susan shut her laptop and quickly headed for the stairs.

* * *

Told you the fun couldn't last forever. Troubled waters lay ahead.

You will see plenty of Robert in the future and more will be revealed about Tim (Susan and Mark's brother). The white rabbit will be around, too. Believe it or not, it is a central character in the story. I am not sure about creating elaborate romances between my OCs and the original characters because right now things are quite complicated as they are. That doesn't mean that there can't be a little angst here and there, though.

For the sake of the lifespan of this story, I am doing my best to avoid turning the OCs into Mary Sues. I'm not saying that I don't like Mary Sues (some of them are actually quite like-able), but I'm not very keen on them either and I'll tell you why. The problem with Mary Sue is that she/he is designed to be a perfect or ideal character that holds a special place in the author's heart, therefore making them impervious to harm and even death. It's okay to love your characters, but in order to make the story go anywhere, you sometimes have to let bad (maybe even horrible) things happen to them. Their misfortune and introspect makes them interesting and it puts the story in motion.

However, Mary Sues don't stop me from reading fan fiction. Your character is your baby and I respect that.

See you at the next chapter!


	7. Reality Bites

Sorry about the cliffy in the last chapter. To make up for any heart attacks or panic attacks you may have suffered, here is my apology gift. I hope you like it and if you don't, good luck trying to return it to the store because I burned the receipt. Ha! Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I own nothing and no one. The OCs' are mine, mine, mine!

* * *

Chapter 7

Reality Bites

Susan hurried downstairs and paused when she saw Mark sitting comfortably among their murderous houseguests. She suddenly felt lightheaded and grabbed onto the railing to keep her balance, trying and failing to control the erratic jerking of her heart against her ribcage. '_Come on, goddamn it, stay on your feet! You're gonna need those in case you have to start running,_' she thought angrily to herself. She swallowed a cold lump in her parched throat and stepped carefully around the gaggle of ninjas to get to her brother. She knelt beside him and grabbed his arm tightly.

"Ow!" said Mark. He tried to pull his arm away from her. "What?"

"I need to talk to you," she whispered harshly in his ear before she yanked him to his feet and pushed him over to the stairs. He looked confusedly at her when she started to shove him up the steps.

"What's going on?" he asked.

"I'll tell you when we get to my room," she said.

When they got to her bedroom, she shut the door and pressed her ear against it to listen for footfalls on the stairs.

"What's your deal?" said Mark.

Satisfied that no one had followed them, Susan went over to her bed and opened her laptop. "I'll tell you what my deal is." She turned it and showed him the image on the screen. "Did you know that those guys are coldblooded killers?"

Mark knelt by the edge of the bed and looked at the screen. On it was a scanned page from _Naruto _volume 25. The panel contained a blown up black and white picture of a young Itachi standing over his slain parents. Mark sighed and looked at Susan.

She pointed at the screen. "Do you know about that?"

"Of course I do," said Mark.

"Why didn't you tell me about all this right off the bat?" she asked.

"Because you would have thrown them out of the house," said Mark.

"That's right. I would have," said Susan. "I would have even called the cops or the FBI!"

Mark stood up, raising his hands for calm. "Don't yell. They'll hear you," he said.

Susan folded her arms tightly over her chest. "I don't want them here anymore."

Mark looked worriedly at her. "You're panicking. Don't panic. You're gonna make things worse if you lose your shit now."

Susan raked her fingers through her hair and down her face, shaking her head. "I don't know how this could get any worse, Mark."

"You will if you spill the beans about all the dirt you've got on them. They can't find out the truth or else they'll go nuts," said Mark. He came closer to her and rested his hand on her arm.

"Suse, they're not going to hurt us," he said, trying his best to sound comforting.

"How can you be so sure?" she asked, her voice growing thick. "You think you know them, but you don't. They're as strange to us as we are to them."

"We're all they've got to help them. And we're gonna help them get back to where they belong," said Mark. The conviction in his voice was not as endearing as he'd hoped. His sister slumped her shoulders and sank down onto the bed, burying her face in her hands.

"You know, it's funny. I didn't believe them when they started talking about killing and assassinations and all that. It turns out they really weren't kidding," she said with a bewildered chuckle.

"Are you scared?" he asked.

She jerked her head up and gave him an appalled look. "Of course I'm scared! You should be, too!"

Mark looked at the floor. Deep down he was afraid, but he wasn't scared of being harmed by the ninjas. He was afraid of something harming them instead. They didn't fit into real world and there was a high chance that they wouldn't survive very long if they were put out on the street. Knowing their volatile natures, they would find themselves in a conflict with the wrong people — namely the authorities — and it would end disastrously for everyone involved. Guns weren't ninja weapons. Depending on the caliber, a firearm could inflict a mortal wound to the most resilient ninja. But then again the members of Akatsuki may have no trouble dealing with guns and end up slaughtering everyone in their path. They could destroy the entire town if not the neighborhood. Any way he looked at it, Mark knew that kicking them out of his house would lead to disaster. Susan needed to be convinced not to turn them loose.

"You shouldn't be scared," he said. He smiled at his sister. "Besides, I think they like you."

Susan looked as though she was going to be sick. "Don't say that."

"It's true," said Mark, sitting down beside her. "They like your cooking, anyways."

Susan snorted. "Yeah. Maybe they'll be wanting to eat _us_ next."

Mark cleared his throat uncomfortably as he thought of Zetsu. The plant man was a human corpse disposal after all. "Let's not go there," he said.

Susan sighed and rubbed her eyes in slow circles. "I don't know if I can stand being around them now. This is like information overload."

"You can't let them know what you know," said Mark. "It'll screw everything up."

Susan looked at the image of Itachi on her laptop. He was just a kid when he killed his parents. _Just a fucking kid!_ Everything was already so screwed up. How much worse could it get?

"You know what will really screw things up?" she said, looking at her brother. "If you grow attached to them, you'll fuck yourself up and you'll fuck them up even more. It'll change everything!"

Mark swallowed hard and blinked at her.

"Promise me you won't do that," she said, tapping him over the heart.

"Only if you promise me you won't treat them any different than you have so far," said Mark. "You've been surprisingly nice to them. For a while there, you kind of reminded me of Mom."

Susan frowned at him and Mark let out a nervous laugh. "Don't worry. That's a good thing," he said.

When Susan thought about it, she supposed she did mother them a bit, but it was only because they were out of their element and needed some…guidance? No, that wasn't the word she was looking for. She didn't know why, but she felt somewhat responsible for them. Perhaps it was just an instinct, but it didn't bring them any closer to her than acquaintances—or mortal enemies for that matter.

"I've got a headache now. This is a total mind fuck," she said, bowing her head and massaging her temples.

"I didn't think you'd take it so hard," said Mark. "They're just fictional characters."

"Three-dimensional fictional characters," Susan reminded him. "We can see, smell, hear, taste, _and_ touch them. Don't you think that's kind of sick?"

Mark got up and headed for the door. "You should come back downstairs and watch the rest of the movie with us."

Susan sighed. "I don't feel like it."

"Come on, I know you. If you stay up here, you're going to end up trying to avoid them forever," said Mark. "When you don't like people, you tend to let them know loud and clear without saying anything at all. That's not gonna go over well with these guys. They'll sense if something's off."

"Can you blame me?" she said, shutting down her laptop and putting it away. "I can sense when thing are off, too. In this case it's pretty damn obvious that there is something seriously wrong with that bunch."

"Just come on," he said, opening the door and waiting for her to follow. Susan huffed and reluctantly followed him out of the room. When they got to the top of the basement stairs, Susan stopped and grabbed her brother's shoulder.

"I can't do this," she said. Mark took her hand and with a little pull they went down the stairs together. Susan was squeezing his hand so tightly that he had a hard time getting her to let go once they arrived in the basement. No one seemed to have noticed or cared that they were gone.

Susan hesitated before forcing herself to join the group. Kisame had taken her spot on the couch and she and Mark sat in a nest of blankets on the floor in front of the TV. Susan tried to relax, but her shoulders were all but frozen stiff above her ears. Mark opened a can of pop and handed Kisame one as well. Susan noticed Itachi sitting in the armchair nearby and she gathered the nerve to look at him. She was terrified when she saw that he was looking right back at her. Susan quickly looked away and wrapped a blanket tightly around her shoulders, suppressing a shiver.

As the movie wore on, the group dwindled until Sasori, Deidara, Mark and Susan were the only ones left in the basement. Susan was on the verge of dozing off when a soft touch on her shoulder brought her back to consciousness. She opened her eyes and saw the credits rolling on the television screen, then looked around and surveyed the mess that had been left behind by the others. Popcorn, wrappers and pop cans were strewn all over. She looked over at Mark and saw that he was curled up under a blanket, hugging a pillow to his head as he slept. The credit music suddenly stopped and Susan looked behind her to see Sasori sitting cross-legged on the couch with the remote in his hand.

Memory served her a cold dose of reality and she flinched away from him. Every one of her muscles had gone taut—fight-or-flight had kicked in, sending a trickling sensation throughout her limbs, a feeling like the tension of a string stretching tighter over the bridge of a violin with each twist of the tuning knob.

"You almost fell asleep," said Sasori.

Susan cleared her throat roughly. "What time is it?"

"Half past twelve," he said.

She sat up and looked over at Deidara. The blond ninja was stretched out so that he took up most of the couch with his head on the armrest. He breathed quietly but evenly in his sleep, much like her little brother. Susan watched him for a moment and thought that he didn't look any older than Tim when she last saw him. The string of tension slowly unwound as she thought of her twin brother. Deidara had the same wide, full mouth—slightly quirked at the corners, always seeming to be on the verge of smiling.

"How old is he?" she suddenly asked without thinking. Sasori turned his head stiffly and lowered his eyes to his partner.

"Why do you want to know?" he asked.

Susan shook her head, slightly confused by her sudden urge to ask such a question. "Just curious. He doesn't look any older than…"

"He's nearing twenty years old if I'm not mistaken," said Sasori.

"Really?" said Susan, sitting up on her knees. She looked at her little brother, then at Sasori. "Do you enjoy what you do?" she asked him. "Being a ninja, I mean."

He seemed surprised at her question, but it left as soon as it came. "I wouldn't be doing it if I didn't enjoy it."

"Right." Susan nodded, though her mind had drifted somewhere else.

"Do you enjoy what you do for a living?" he asked her.

"It's…alright. I don't always enjoy it, but I stay there because I like the people I work with," she said slowly, then paused. "They're good friends."

"And do you have someone outside of that? Someone whom you…" He stopped himself short, looking thoughtfully at the floor as if he were searching for the words to complete what he wanted to say.

Susan felt a hot flash of panic pass through her and she looked away from him. This was getting too deep. It was strange now that she knew what she knew about Sasori and the others, and she didn't like it.

"Deidara told me that you are engaged. But you're not wearing a ring," said Sasori.

His statement caught her off guard. She looked at her hand and remembered that she had taken the ring off the night before. She didn't need to look at Sasori to know that he was watching her, waiting for her to tell him something that would complete his thought—whatever _it_ was he was thinking. She could sense his eyes on her. The way he stared, it was like a physical presence crawling on her skin. They sat in silence for a few long moments.

"You seem very tense all of the sudden," he said. "Is something wrong?"

'_Oh no, nothing is wrong. I'm just scared to go to sleep tonight with the knowledge that there are ten homicidal ninjas outside my bedroom door. No big deal,_' she thought.

"Susan-san?" Sasori cocked his head and leaned forward. Susan leaned away and pulled the blanket back around her—as if it would protect her should he suddenly jump up and attack her with his puppet powers.

"It's nothing. Everything's fine," she said, avoiding eye contact with the puppet ninja as she bent over her brother and gently rubbed his arm. Mark stirred but didn't awaken. She ruffled his hair. "Wake up, kid," she whispered. When he didn't move, she gave his ear a little tug. "I'm not gonna carry you upstairs," she said. Mark's eyes opened and he rolled onto his back.

"I missed the movie," he said, stretching his arms over his head.

"You've only seen it a million times," said Susan.

"But I like that movie," he said groggily, sitting up on his elbows.

Susan stood up and shrugged the blanket off her shoulders. She started to fold it up but she paused as she noticed Deidara still asleep on the couch. His mouth had drifted open and his breathing had deepened to near whispers in the back of his throat. Susan shook the blanket out and lightly draped it over him. He didn't stir, but she thought she heard a quiet sigh escape him. She didn't quite understand what had made her do that. It just felt like the right thing to do just then. Maybe…

Mark stood up and leaned over Deidara, looking from the sleeping ninja to Susan with an odd expression on his face. He looked just as confused as Sasori but Susan pretended to be oblivious as she headed for the stairs.

"Time for bed," she said, waving her little brother over. Mark gave Sasori a wave, saying goodnight to the puppet ninja before trotting up the stairs. Susan was about to leave when Sasori's soft voice caught her ear.

"Goodnight, Susan-san."

She slowed as her foot hit the first step, and she looked over her shoulder at him. "Goodnight," she said hesitantly before she swiftly made her way up the stairs.

Her hair smelled of chlorine and her skin felt cracked and itchy. Her little brother could handle sleeping with pool water soaked into his skin and hair, but Susan hated the smell and the prickly feeling it left after it dried. She went upstairs to the bathroom for a shower. As she was rinsing soap off under the spray, she looked down and saw a ring sitting on the corner edge of the tub and picked it up. The silver band was thick and heavy, topped by a polished blue stone with what looked like a Japanese symbol etched into it. She slipped it on her middle finger where it hung loosely before taking it off and slipping it onto her thumb where it stayed snug. There was a heaviness to it that made her entire hand feel like it was made of concrete. Susan turned off the water and stepped out of the tub, taking the ring off and setting it down in the soap dish next to the sink. Whoever it belonged to, they probably wouldn't want it falling down the drain.

After drying off, she slipped on her bathrobe and picked up her swimsuit and sweatpants. She opened the door and stuck her head out to make sure no one was in the hallway before she stepped out and headed for her bedroom, turning off the lights as she went. She paused when she noticed that a light was on in her father's study. A yellow glow spilled down the hallway from the half-open door. Susan followed the streak of light and peeked inside the room.

The desk lamp's mild radiance filtered through its stained glass shade, throwing oblong shadows across the walls and ceiling. Susan pushed the door open a little more and stuck her head in. Itachi was standing by the bookcase with his back to her. He pulled a book down from one of the upper shelves and flipped the cover open, turning slightly so that Susan could see that he had chosen one of her dad's favorite novels by John Updike. She and her dad shared similar taste in literature—always going for prose that sounded like poetry when read aloud. Her dad used to read authors like Robert Frost and Dickens out loud to her when she was little. His deep voice coupled so perfectly with the flow and rhythm of words that it would lull her off to sleep, and she could always remember them in the morning when her father asked her to recite what he had read to her the night before.

She was almost completely lost in thought when Itachi suddenly looked up at her. Their eyes met and her heart iced over. She wilted as though she would drop dead at that very moment. It was like she had been caught peeping at someone while they were undressing—a thought that brought back an unpleasant memory from two days ago. Susan suddenly felt the way she did when she encountered the Akatsuki for the first time: naked and scared shitless.

Now that she had been discovered, she decided to reign in some of her fear and have the first word. "I'm sorry," she said woodenly. "I saw the light on in here and I thought someone left it on…"

He closed the book and cradled it in his hands. "Your collection of literature is quite intriguing," he said smoothly, his voice barely a note above a whisper.

"Most of those books belong to my dad," she said. "He teaches literature at a university."

His eyebrows rose just a tiny bit, but his eyes remained narrowed, their red gleam taking on a devious life of its own in the dimness of the room. "And are you a teacher as well?" he asked.

Susan swallowed and shook her head. "Not yet...but I will be after I graduate from, uh…college."

He seemed to look appraisingly at her. Susan pulled the collar of her robe tighter around her neck, though it didn't provide much comfort.

"You, uh…picked a good one," she said, gesturing toward the book in his hands.

"You've read it?"

She nodded. "I enjoyed it. If you like reading about scorned women, that'd be right up your alley," she said.

He looked at the book jacket. "May I borrow it?"

Susan nodded again. "…Sure."

Seconds ticked by in silence, and Susan shifted uncomfortably. "Well, I'm just gonna…head to bed," she said. Without saying goodnight, she turned and quickly went to her bedroom, shutting the door and leaning against it, listening for footsteps in the hallway. Paranoia had set in, turning her veins into icy streams and her brain into a tight, sensitive ball that felt as if it were being lobbed around inside her skull, making her dizzy with anger and fear.

She was angry that she hadn't been more careful around them—that she had actually let herself become comfortable in their presence like her little brother was. If they had simply stayed characters in a comic book, she wouldn't be having such thoughts. Hell, she wouldn't even have known they existed. They had become living, breathing things. For some ungodly reason, a bunch of cartoon characters had assembled into flesh and blood in the real world. She needed to find out why and how it happened.

Susan lay in bed pondering whatever ludicrous theories came to mind until her nerves were finally shot, sending her crashing into a roaring ocean of sleep.

^.^.^.^.^

Its teeth sank into warm, twitching flesh and a spring of blood flooded its mouth. The taste of salt, oceans of salt, red and hot and fresh from a pumping heart that was just starting to slow as the muscles softened and the body in its jaws grew slack and heavy. The white rabbit shook its prey one final time, snapping the neck and feeling liquid pool under the skin.

The meat was stringy but better than what the white rabbit had eaten the night before. This creature was larger with more muscle and fat to chew through. The rabbit had finally grown large enough to take down a bigger animal—a dog. The biggest one it could find. It didn't mind the fight. The dog had gotten in a few scratches and a bite or two, but the rabbit was too fast for him.

It could smell _them _from several few yards away. They were all gathered in a house with two others—a child and a young female. The rabbit smelled new skin—the boy—and the stink of old blood. Dead blood. The one it wanted was there, surrounded by his people. It was not safe to get close to them yet, not when the rabbit was still so small and…_weak_. What a disgusting word. The rabbit had not thought of using words. It had been such a long time since it had needed to speak, to interact with humans—those who spoke the "higher" languages.

Now was not the time to sit and ponder words. It needed to eat, then dig another hole and burrow deep into the earth where it could rest and grow among the roots. This place was strange and the rabbit didn't want to spend more time above ground than it had to. When the right time came, it would rise from the earth and seek the one it wanted.

The rabbit paused as it bent to savor its prey. There was a name a man—the man it was currently seeking—had given it once, back when it had been summoned to do battle with another skilled warrior and won.

_Usagi_.

The word meant "rabbit" in the human vocabulary. The pale creature didn't have a name where it came from, but it decided that it would keep the title it had been given by that stranger—a man with fiery hair and ringed eyes.

* * *

Wow, I think I'm starting to enjoy writing from a the view point of a deranged rabbit. It's pretty challenging, to tell the truth. I don't really know where I'm doing with this craziness, but I like it so far. How about you?

By the way, thank you so very much for all your beautiful reviews! Your encouragement has warmed my heart and I do hope that you stick around to give me more inspiration. You guys are made of WIN!


	8. Breaking the Ice

Okay, it's been a while since this thing has been updated, but to show you that I have not been completely lazy, this chapter is the longest one yet. It's been rewritten so many times, I can't talk about it.

NOTE! This chapter was removed and resubmitted because of a couple of scruples I needed to correct. Read some of the reviews on this chapter and you can probably figure out what one of them was LOL! Anyway...

Disclaimer: I own nothing and no one! Except for the OCs.

Enjoy! :D

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Chapter 8

Breaking the Ice

Susan awoke to the feeling of being gently rocked back and forth. She opened her eyes to find herself alone, surrounded by a colorless sea that was as cavernous as an empty auditorium. She could hear waves crashing overhead—swells that rolled like thunder. But there was no water keeping her afloat. There was no current pulling at her hair or clothes, but Susan felt something leaning on her hard enough to force her to her move. It pushed against her back and her legs, thrusting her feet forward one at a time. Susan couldn't resist it, this invisible thing that threaded its way through her hair and down her back.

She looked around and saw nothing but black, empty space. She couldn't even see her hands when she lifted them in front of her face, but she kept walking until she finally saw something. Like a shy face coming out of hiding, the moon rose slowly from the black horizon, spilling light on the null plane like blood, for that was the color of its lunar surface: a vital shade of red that glowed as if irradiated.

The moon's emergence revealed the distinct silhouette of a person standing in the distance. As Susan came closer, she could make out that it was male. Tall with broad shoulders, they didn't appear to be anyone she knew. However, as she closed in on them she thought she recognized the outline of his clothing. The shoulders were squared and a folded shirt collar framed the back of his neck. It was a military uniform—tan army fatigues. Susan stopped walking.

No…

It couldn't have been him. _It just couldn't_. She opened her mouth to speak but her breath caught in her throat so suddenly that she let out a shudder.

"Tim?" she said, her voice hoarse.

He turned around and Susan nearly collapsed at the sight of him. He looked just the same as he had the day he left home. His dark hair was cut short and his eyes were the same luminous blue that rivaled her gray ones. Before now, Susan couldn't remember them being such a brilliant shade of blue. She took a step forward and held out her hands, but she paused when she noticed the light in his eyes begin to fade. They turned gray and darkened until they were almost black. The sound of rolling waves was deafening.

"Tim?" She took a step back. He was scowling at her and she couldn't understand why.

The moon glowed redder as it rose higher. Susan looked up and saw it slow and hover above them. There was a rustling sound and she looked at her brother to see that he was walking towards her. His eyes had gone red with floating black commas shifting into a pinwheel pattern that instantly pulled her in.

Susan started walking backwards as he quickly advanced on her. "Tim, what are you—"

He drew a long, sleek sword from behind his back and leapt at her, his uniform disappearing as his hair grew into long black strands framing a headband bearing an engraved silver plate. Susan threw her arms over her head and…

Her eyes snapped open as she inhaled sharply through her nose. Her throat had locked up, making it impossible to scream. The sound was caught in her chest. Susan blinked as her senses came back to her and her bedroom came into focus. The creepy-crawling feeling of sweat tickled her skin, rippling her arms and legs with goose flesh. Dampness invaded every crease in her skin like the humidity of a ninety-degree day in August.

Susan lifted her head off of her sweat-dampened pillow and sat up. She ran a hand over her sweaty face and through her tangled hair, breathing in the tension left over from her dream. It was the first time in a long time that she had had a dream about Tim, but this one was not like the others. All of her dreams had been pleasant memories of her and Tim from when they were younger. This one had been awful.

The alarm clock beeped shrilly, causing Susan to jump. She quickly slapped the off button. It was 7:00 AM on the dot. Susan brought her knees up and rested her head on top of them, wrapping her arms around her legs as she rocked once and sighed deeply into the duvet. That dream had felt so _real_. It wasn't just a nightmare. Tim had tried to kill her with a sword for Christ's sake.

_Wait a minute._

Her head shot up and she looked at the ceiling. _The moon, the surrounding black nothingness, the sword and those red eyes…and that headband…_

Itachi.

"Goddamn it," she muttered, collapsing onto her pillow and pressing the heels of her hands to her eyes. Her anxiety had finally caught up with her while she slept. Out of all the Akatsuki members, Susan though that Itachi was the worst of them. He wasn't outspoken or rude, but he harbored an incredibly awful secret underneath his composed exterior. He must have done it for a reason, but still. He murdered his parents and his relatives—people he loved.

She couldn't get away from them, not even in her sleep. They were here to stay until someone figured out how to get them back home. Sasori hinted that their leader knew something about the situation that they didn't, but Pain hadn't said boo about it yet. Perhaps it would take some prodding to get it out of him. Susan didn't know how she was going to do it without aggravating the man. It was obvious that he didn't take guff from anybody and judging from what she learned about him, he was not the type of person to be screwed with. Thoughts of Pain brought up another subject as Susan got out of bed and started pacing the floor. Pain was just a facade—six different entities, in fact. According to thefacts she read online, Pain's existence fronted another character but Susan couldn't remember his name. It started with an N, or was it an M? 'Whatever,' she thought. Her little brother would know.

She decided to go throw some cold water on her face before she went downstairs. She didn't have to be at work until the afternoon, but she couldn't sleep in after being scared awake by a bad dream. As she checked the rooms to make sure she was alone (this would become a habit every morning now), she felt a dry heave coming on at the thought of drinking coffee. Her stomach felt like it was tied in knots and her head felt hot and fuzzy. It was a bit like having the flu, but Susan knew she wasn't sick. That dream had made her uneasy.

She made coffee anyway. She didn't know if she would want some later. There was no doubt that her houseguests would be rooting around in the kitchen for cups and sugar cubes as soon as they emerged from their holes, but damn if Susan was going to serve them coffee and breakfast anymore. Mark could take over that job from now on.

Susan fetched the newspaper and turned on the radio. She softly tapped her foot to the Ramones as they sang "I Wanna Be Sedated" to the empty kitchen. She could hear footsteps on the stairs and braced herself as Deidara appeared from the basement. His hair was a holy mess and his eyes were half-lidded, their usual bright blue looking drab with slightly darkened pits underneath them. His was the face of the living dead, awakened a little too early before the internal alarm clock was meant to go off. Susan knew that look and the feeling that went with it. She was feeling the same way and probably looked just as bad. She had forgotten to look at herself in the mirror when she was rinsing the sweat off her face.

But unlike her, he was probably hung over from eating all that junk food last night. Mark had supplied them with chips, popcorn, candy and tons of pop, and they ate and drank nearly all of it. Susan had watched Deidara hit the M&Ms pretty hard after the popcorn ran out. He would have emptied the entire family-size bag on his own if Susan hadn't snuck it away from him when he was paying close attention to the movie. However, when Itachi discovered the candy, it was as good as gone. Even Pain and Konan had imbibed in the pop, drinking it out of the can through straws. Susan wouldn't have been surprised if the rest of them showed up looking just as frazzled as the blond ninja standing in front of her.

"You look like the wrath of Hades," she told him.

He raised his eyebrows and cleared his throat, blinking owlishly. "What?"

"Nothing," she said, leaning against the counter. Deidara sniffed and looked around the kitchen as if he were expecting to see food.

"Hungry?" she blurted, forgetting her vow to never serve them food or beverage again. He shook his head and swiped a hand over his face.

"Stomach upset?" she tried again.

He frowned at her and placed a hand over his belly where a loud gurgle emanated from within. Susan thought it sounded like it came from somewhere a little lower than the stomach region. His eyes grew wide before he spun around and ran back downstairs, nearly knocking his partner over as he was coming up to the dining room. Sasori wandered over to the island counter to sit opposite where Susan was leaning.

"Good morning," he said, his face the usual blank expression.

Susan mumbled a greeting in return, clenching the newspaper in her hand. There was movement coming from upstairs now. Feet padded softly down the stairs and Susan found herself in the company of Itachi and Kisame as well. Neither of them looked half as weary as Deidara did. In fact, it looked like they had successfully managed to come down from their snack-induced high the night before. However, Itachi was looking at her in an odd way. Every manner in which he stared at other people was odd, but this current facial expression of his was particularly strange to Susan. His eyes weren't pulled into their usual malevolent slits and his eyebrows were relaxed of the severe arch that always seemed to make him look like a disgruntled highway patrolman.

Kisame yawned out loud and scratched his rear. Susan and Sasori watched him with bland expressions. 'Typical male,' thought Susan. The shark man then proceeded to clear his throat, working up a wad of something special in the back of his throat before coughing wetly to clear it out. Susan had now totally lost her appetite. Even Itachi looked at his partner in mild disgust, but Kisame remained totally oblivious to everyone's repugnance as he approached the kitchen.

"Coffee?" he asked Susan. She handed him a cup and pointed to the coffee machine behind her.

"What, no service this morning?" he said, nudging her playfully with his elbow on his way over to the coffee maker.

Susan didn't respond and left the kitchen, giving Itachi a wide berth as she passed him on her way towards the living room. She sat down in the recliner and crossed her legs, unfolding the newspaper. She didn't do it so much to read the newspaper, but instead to hide behind it. Someone had followed her into the living room and she didn't want to see or speak to whoever it was. Several minutes of uninterrupted silence passed and Susan thought that perhaps she was alone after all.

Someone suddenly cleared his throat in a less than casual manner, but Susan chose to ignore it and kept reading the same sentence over and over again. They cleared their throat again a little louder this time, producing a noise that sounded like the rumbling of a diesel engine with a gargled helping of phlegm. It startled Susan so badly that she nearly tore the newspaper in half. She lowered the newspaper to look at the offender. Kisame was sitting on the couch with a cup of coffee in his hand, looking at her like she was the one bothering him.

"What?" she asked him, annoyance flaring up in her voice.

"Breakfast?" he asked, raising his eyebrows expectantly. Susan just stared at him. So it was food he was after.

"I just got up. Can I read the paper first?" she said. He frowned at her, his button-like eyes growing smaller.

"No," he said.

"Mark can make you breakfast," Susan offered.

He didn't look pleased. Obviously he wanted her to do it. With a detestable growl, he got up from the couch and stalked out of the room and up the stairs, most likely to find Mark and make him cook breakfast. Susan was trying to smooth the wrinkles out of the newspaper when she noticed that a certain puppet ninja was sitting cross-legged on the floor, staring at her like a highly accomplished _freak_.

She looked at him and he looked right back. He wasn't looking at _her_ to be exact but rather he was looking at her…legs? Susan looked down and noticed that her bathrobe had fallen open just enough to reveal bare skin clear up to her knees—not all the way up to where the hem of her pajama shorts rode high on her thighs, thank Christ.

"Can I help you?" she asked him, hoping that he would take a hint and realize what a weirdo he was being. His eyes slowly rose to meet hers.

"Yes," he answered. "That tattoo on your ankle. What is it?"

Susan glanced down at the small symbol inked onto her inner right ankle. "It's an astrological sign," she said. "It's called Gemini."

"_Fratres_," he said.

She raised an eyebrow. "What?"

"It's a Latin term the people in your realm invented," he said. "The word means 'brothers' but the symbol itself is a representation of siblings, or twins to be more exact."

Susan folded the newspaper in her lap and regarded him curiously. His face registered no emotion as he continued to stare at her.

"I read about astrology and Greek mythology in some of your books," he said.

"So then you already knew what this symbol meant before you asked me what it was," said Susan, looking at him as if to say, '_Why on Earth are we having this conversation?'_

"I just wanted to know what I was looking at," he said. "Your tattoo could easily be mistaken for the Roman numeral two, which has less significance than the reason you must have chosen to have it put on your skin."

Susan wasn't sure where he was going with this. She had seen the puppet ninja reading a book every other time she saw him. But Sasori wasn't the only one who had made a hobby of exploring her family's book collection and other things.

Their curiosity eventually led them to the bookcase in her father's study as well as to Mark who of course would show them where things were and how things worked, hence leading some of them to wander about the house rummaging through closets and drawers from which they dragged various "fascinating" items such as baseball bats, tennis rackets, lawn darts and power tools out to examine and in some horrendous cases attempt to use them (conveniently when Susan wasn't there to tell them things like, "NO, Tobi, you cannot play with the vacuum cleaner, it's not that kind of toy!"). Some of the Akatsuki members didn't even bother to put things back where they had found them (aka Slobs 1, 2 and 3: Hidan, Deidara and Tobi) and Susan was getting tired of seeing random junk strewn on the floor and finding books stacked on tables and countertops throughout the house.

Susan was sure that at least one out of her ten houseguests was doing most of their reading in the bathroom but she had yet to find out who it was. Deidara was the most likely suspect since a lot of the books Susan found in the downstairs bathroom were _The Guinness Book of World Records, The Darwin Awards_ and graphic novels that obviously belonged to her little brother. Mark had taken a particular liking to Deidara and Susan didn't think it was such a good thing since she found out what a scary bunch of characters the Akatsuki were.

Sasori was quite an anomaly, though. From what Susan could tell he was very intelligent but he seemed to lack the ability to express himself emotionally. He reminded her a lot of Spock from _Star Trek_. She supposed that he was simply trying to retain civility by making conversation with her. It was most likely a diplomatic ploy to keep them on good terms. However, she also sensed an interior motive on his part. The gears were turning in his head but she couldn't put her finger on what he was plotting.

"It's interesting how you and your brothers were born under the same astrological sign," said Sasori.

Startled, Susan uncrossed her legs and leaned forward. "How did you…?"

"I took the liberty of reading yours and your brothers' credentials," he said. "I am not a thief, so don't worry about any of your identification documents going missing on account of my actions."

"You went through our personal stuff?" she asked, trying to control her temper.

"With the help of some of my comrades, yes," he said.

Susan didn't know whether to be furious or frightened. They were bold enough to go looking through hers and her family's things, and why wouldn't they? The more information they acquired about Susan and her family, the more oriented they would become with her and Mark.

"What else did you find out?" she asked.

"Nothing of any real significance," he said, resting his elbows on his knees and forming a steeple with his hands. "Except that you and your brother Timothy were born in the same month on the same day."

"He's—" She paused and looked at the floor. "He _was_ my twin," she corrected. They were a rare kind of twins, not identical but similar in certain other ways.

"Where is he?" asked Sasori.

"That's none of your business," she bit out, tasting metallic anger that flooded her mouth like saliva. She looked at him and suddenly felt ashamed of herself. He didn't look offended by her aggressive response, but he didn't look satisfied with it either. He opened his mouth to speak but then he closed it, seeming to think better of it. Instead he directed his half-lidded gaze over her shoulder.

"Penny for your thoughts, Mr. Muppet?" she asked bitterly, tilting her head to try and recapture his eyes. He unfolded his legs and stood up in a single fluid motion.

"Nothing you need to know from me," he said before he noiselessly departed from the living room, passing Itachi who looked as though he had been standing there listening to them talk the entire time. He must have been what Sasori was looking at before his sudden departure. Susan tried to ignore Itachi as she gave the newspaper a violent shake to straighten it.

After a few moments the Uchiha's shadow vanished around the corner and Susan let out a quiet sigh of relief. She heard Mark talking to Kisame as they came down the stairs. He was asking the shark man whether he preferred muffins or French toast for breakfast. After explaining the barfing incident on the road yesterday, Kisame said that he preferred to eat something without the word "French" in it.

"Blueberry muffins it is, then," said Mark.

Susan grew restless behind the newspaper and finally gave up trying to read it, tossing it onto the floor with a sigh. The clock on the wall read 7:35. She could hear more activity going on upstairs and she dreaded what new troubles the day would bring. Would she ever be able to get these cartoon characters out of her life? Surely their leader would figure something out because she sure as hell didn't know what to do about it.

Susan looked at the floor and her eyes happened to travel over to the coffee table. Lying underneath the table was the puzzle box she had given Mark for his birthday present. She got on her knees and picked it up. A couple of the panels had been moved. She pressed her thumbs against them and tried to push them further, but they didn't budge. Susan turned the box over in her hands until the red cloud pattern was facing up. It looked very familiar to her now, resembling the design on the Akatsuki cloaks.

She put the box in the pocket of her bathrobe and left the living room. She found Mark in the kitchen mixing a bowl of muffin batter. Susan came up to him and showed him the box, leaning close to whisper in his ear.

"Do you recognize the cloud symbol on this thing?" she asked him.

Mark looked at it and then at her. "Yeah," he said. "Where'd you find that?"

"It was under the coffee table," said Susan. "Were you messing around with it when these guys showed up?" she asked. Mark looked thoughtful for a moment before his eyes widened and his mouth fell open.

"What is it?" asked Susan.

"I was trying to get it open when…I don't know, there was a loud clap of thunder and something inside it started glowing. And then it flashed and they were suddenly…here."

Susan shook the box. Sure enough, something jingled musically inside. "What do you think it is?" she asked him.

Mark shook his head. "Dunno. I can't believe that I completely forgot about it until now."

"Well, you've been pretty busy," said Susan, looking out into the dining room where several of the ninjas were sitting around the table. "We've both been really busy," she said with a sigh.

"Tell you what," she told Mark. "We should get this thing open and see what's inside it, then we'll show it to the others and see what they think. Sound like a plan?"

"Yeah, but what if it's nothing?" he asked her.

"Then it's nothing. But I really do believe that this is the key to finding out what brought these guys here," said Susan.

"Let's wait until after breakfast. I'm making muffins," said Mark, holding up his mixing spoon and dripping gobs of batter into the bowl. Susan just looked at him for a moment and then she snorted, giving him a playful kick in the rear.

"Whatever you say, chef," she said before heading upstairs to use the bathroom. Much to her rotten luck, the bathroom door was shut and locked. Aggravated, Susan rapped loudly on the door.

"It's occupied, asshole!" It just had to be Hidan, the biggest bathroom hog of the century.

"I need to get in there," said Susan.

"Wait your fucking turn!"

"The time you've accrued in there since you've been here is equal to a millennium's worth of pee breaks! Let someone else have a chance!" she said, hammering on the door with her fist.

"I'm attending to some crucial maintenance in here! Step off!"

"It's not your bathroom!" said Susan. All the crap she taken from him so far had built up to a mountain of irritation that far overshadowed the fear she had developed overnight.

"It's mine when I'm in here!" yelled Hidan.

Susan beat on the door. "Get out!"

"Fuck you!"

"You're a child!" she shouted, giving the door a kick before heading downstairs to the other bathroom. She ignored everyone's stares as she passed by the dining room and resisted the urge to flip them all the bird as she jogged down to the basement. When she reached the downstairs bathroom, she found the door closed. She tried the knob and found it locked. Susan ground her teeth and knocked on the door.

"What?" It was Deidara.

"Is it too much to ask that you get out so that I may get in?" she asked, trying her best to sweeten her voice.

"Who's asking?"

"Who do you think? How many chicks do you know around here?" she asked, sounding offended.

"I'm a little busy right now, hmm."

"Well you better clear your schedule because I'm coming in," she said, stepping back from the door. If she got a running start, she could probably kick it in.

"Do it and I will make the toilet explode, hmm," he said.

"Make the toilet explode and I will sic your leader on you," she threatened.

"Can you give me a few minutes here? I just can't get up when I'm in the middle of…"

Susan didn't stick around to hear him finish that sentence. She stomped back up the stairs, flipping the bird to all present ninjas—Sasori, Kisame, Itachi, Tobi and Kakuzu—as she passed the dining room. She stomped up the second flight of stairs, preparing to rain an assault down on the Jashinist that was taking up precious time in the upstairs bathroom. When she got to the door, she leaned in close and cupped her hand to the side of her mouth so that he could hear her good and loud.

"Listen, you shit-faced monkey's uncle!" she said. "I'm gonna give you 'til the count of three to get your rear end out of there or I'm going to—"

"Who the fuck are you bitching at now?"

Susan froze and slowly turned around to see Hidan standing behind her, shirtless with a tube of toothpaste in his hand and a toothbrush jammed in the corner of his mouth.

"If you're out here, then who's in there?" she asked, pointing a limp finger at the bathroom door. Hidan smirked at her and Susan felt the strong need to knock those perfect teeth out of his infernal skull.

The sound of the bathroom door opening made her look over her shoulder to find Pain standing in the doorway. All the blood rushed from her head and her knees went weak. Pain looked coolly at her, his piercings glittering dully in the light of the hallway. The man didn't look happy to see her but at least he didn't look angry—unless that really was his angry face. Susan couldn't tell and it both frustrated and unnerved her to the point where she had broken out in a cold sweat.

"Uh…sorry. I didn't mean to say that to, uh…you." They stared at each other for a few frightening moments before Susan quickly bent at the waist in a deep bow. That was what these guys did as a sign of respect, right? Mark said so. The manga depicted it, too. Be submissive. Just bow, keep your eyes on the floor and wait for the punishment to begin_._

"I assume that insult was meant for Hidan," said Pain.

Susan looked up at him and then looked behind her. Hidan had disappeared, probably to go hide somewhere. God, what she wouldn't give to run him through with that stupid scythe of his. On second thought the sick son of a bitch would probably get as much pleasure out of it as she did.

"I wouldn't have said that if I had known…" she started to say.

"Your apology is accepted," said Pain. Susan tried to smile, but Pain's cold stare punctured her confidence.

"Take all the time you need in there. I can wait," she said.

"I am finished here," he said, stepping out of the doorway and walking past her.

"Um, excuse me," she said. Pain stopped and turned his head slightly to signify that he was listening.

"I was wondering if you figured anything out about how you guys got here," she said.

"I haven't come to any conclusions," he said, turning a bit more so that he could look at her. "And you?" he asked.

Susan shook her head, resting her hand over the bathrobe pocket containing the puzzle box. "I was hoping that we could talk about it," she said.

Pain blinked and turned his bizarre eyes to examine a family portrait hanging on the wall. "I will call a meeting soon," he said.

"Okay. That, uh, sounds good," said Susan.

Pain looked at her for a moment before he turned and walked down the hallway to her parents' bedroom. Susan watched him go, still reeling from their awkward (on her part) exchange. He was quiet and calm, almost indifferent. And patient. All of those simple qualities wrapped together in that dangerous package of a ninja were far more terrifying than the combined symptoms of Hidan and Kakuzu's explosive anger. If Pain were to lash out in anger, she wouldn't have seen it coming. Susan thought she could deal with the rowdier members of Akatsuki, but she knew that it was the quiet ones she had to keep an eye on. Especially Itachi. She didn't trust those pinwheel eyes of his.

Susan went to her bedroom and searched for a place to hide the puzzle box. As far as she knew none of the ninjas had been in her room, but then again ninjas were supposed to have mastered stealth among other skills. If any of them had gone nosing through her things, she probably wouldn't have known it anyway. Sasori admitted that he and a few of the others had read some of her credentials, whatever kind of credentials those could have been. Hers and her brothers' birth certificates were stashed in a memory box in her parents' bedroom closet. It was possible that Pain or Konan had spent some time searching the house for anything that would tell them who Susan and her family were. They could have found the memory box and gone through its contents, and then invited the others to look through it as well. It was a total violation of privacy, but it was probably what Susan would have done if she found herself living in the house of total strangers.

She took off her bathrobe and decided to leave the puzzle box in the pocket. It seemed like the least obvious place anyone would look.

While Susan went to get ready for the day, Mark was in the kitchen waiting for the muffins to bake. Everyone had turned up for breakfast, even Pain and Konan. Mark would occasionally catch strings of conversation coming from the dining room. A lot of it consisted of arguments between partners while the rest of it was just casual banter. Kisame was telling Itachi about his trip to the store with Susan yesterday. The Uchiha didn't say much, but he appeared to be listening intently to his partner's observations.

Mark was making a third pot of coffee for the group. All of them—except for Pain, Konan, Deidara and Zetsu—had become coffee drinkers. As he listened to the machine percolate, Mark thought about the puzzle box his sister had given him. If it really had anything to do with the Akatsuki and their journey to the real world, what was inside of it and where did it come from? He would have to ask his sister to get the answer to that last question. Mark had been so caught up in the confusion that he completely forgot about the puzzle box until Susan showed it to him.

"Mark-san."

Mark nearly jumped out of his skin. He spun around to find Sasori sitting at the island counter.

"Hey," said Mark, placing a hand on his chest and sighing dramatically. "Susan wasn't kidding when she said you were sneaky. You almost gave me a heart attack."

Sasori folded his hands on the countertop, his face smooth and impassive. He reminded Mark of a ceramic doll.

"I want to talk to you," said Sasori. "About your sister."

Mark stiffened as he leaned against the counter and crossed his arms. "Oh. Yeah?"

"She is in quite a mood this morning," said Sasori.

Mark frowned. "Really?"

"When Itachi, Kisame and myself met her in the kitchen, her behavior was…out of the ordinary," said Sasori. "It seemed as though she was trying to avoid us."

Mark scratched his head, looking around nervously. Crap, it sounded like Susan had started doing that I-don't-like-you-so-I'm-gonna-avoid-you stuff to them already.

"Maybe she just needs some space," said Mark. "This house is pretty crowded and she isn't used to it. She doesn't cohabitate with others very well."

"I see. She's very sensitive," said Sasori.

"What do you mean?" asked Mark.

Sasori looked thoughtfully at the countertop. "She hardly says anything about herself," he said, looking up at Mark. "And when I asked her a question this morning, she became upset."

Mark pushed away from the counter and went to stand in front of him, resting his elbows on the counter. "What did you ask her?"

"I asked her where your brother is," said Sasori.

Mark sighed through his nose and chewed the inside of his cheek. "Tim is…" he started to say, but he paused. "How did you find out about Tim?" he asked.

"Itachi and Kisame are staying in his bedroom," said Sasori. "Kisame mentioned something about Susan-san's behavior after he asked her a similar question."

Mark rarely went into Tim's bedroom. The walls inside were still decorated with the things his older brother liked and all of the furniture was still there as if they were still waiting for Tim to come home. It had been a year already, and the room had become like a sealed shrine. Mark's parents weren't ready to let go of it yet, and neither was Susan.

"Perhaps it's none of our business after all," said Sasori.

Mark shook his head. "No, it's okay," he said. "Tim's dead. It's just hard for us to talk about it sometimes."

Sasori looked at him for a few moments. "I apologize if I've been rude," he said.

"Don't be sorry," said Mark. "Susan shouldn't have gotten defensive about it. Tim meant a lot to her and she still feels like she needs to protect him."

Deidara approached them and sat down next to his partner. "Your sister is in a shitty mood this morning," he said to Mark. "She almost busted the door down when I was in the bathroom, hmm."

Right then the phone rang in the kitchen. Everyone stopped talking and whipped their heads around to look at Mark as he moved away from the counter and grabbed the phone off the hook. "Hello."

"Hi, honey! It's Mom."

Mark winced and looked over his shoulder at Sasori and Deidara, then at the others. The ninjas were watching him intently. "Hi, Mom," he said slowly.

Sasori and Deidara looked at each other, then at Mark.

"How's everything at home?" asked Mom.

"Fine," said Mark. "How was the funeral?"

"The service was beautiful. Your father's eulogy was very moving," said Mom. "Your great uncle Bud got a very nice sendoff."

"I'm glad to hear that," said Mark. "Do you think I should have come with you?"

"Oh, honey, no. Like we said, this was a last minute decision to fly down here and you didn't have to come if you didn't want to. This was just something your dad wanted to do for Bud," said Mom. "Anyways, we thought you and Susan needed to reconnect a little. Are you getting along?"

"We're buddies," said Mark.

"Did she bring you something for your birthday?" she asked.

"She gave me a Japanese puzzle box."

"How nice. Your sister has good taste, huh?" Mom said delightedly. Being half Japanese, Mark's mother tried to get her children interested in their ancestry, but only Mark made a connection with his fondness for Japanese graphic novels and cartoons.

"I guess," said Mark, looking anxiously at Sasori and Deidara. He could hear the muffled sound of someone talking in the background over the phone.

"Your dad wants to make it over to Mobile to see some friends today, so I'm going to cut this short," she said. "I just wanted to check in with you guys."

"We're fine," said Mark.

"And you'll call my cell if anything goes wrong?" asked Mom. "Not that I think anything will go wrong, but you know."

"Mom, I know what to do," said Mark.

"I love you, honey."

Mark swallowed hard and turned his back to the group of staring ninjas, whispering into the phone, "Love you too, Mom." He heard Deidara snicker and his face grew hot.

"Why are you whispering?" asked Mom. "Is that Susan I heard in the background?"

"Uh, no. That was just the, uh, the radio," said Mark. "I'll talk to you later, Mom."

"Buh-bye, honey."

Mark hung up the phone and turned to look at Deidara. The blonde ninja was smiling at him.

Mark frowned at him. "_What?_ Haven't you ever heard a guy tell his mom 'I love you'?"

"That was very touching. Really, it was," said Deidara, pressing his hand over his heart mockingly.

Mark ignored him and took the muffins out of the oven. Susan came downstairs wearing yoga sweats and a t-shirt. She looked grumpily at Sasori and Deidara as she went to get herself a cup of coffee.

"Mom called," said Mark.

Susan looked over her shoulder at the ninjas, then at Mark. "How'd it go?"

"Fine," said Mark, trying to try a muffin out of the pan with a butter knife.

"Do I need to call her?" asked Susan, opening the refrigerator.

"No. She and Dad are going to Mobile. She'll call again soon," said Mark.

Susan pulled an apple out of the vegetable crisper and shut the refrigerator door. She swept her damp hair over her shoulder and took a bite out of the apple, watching everyone in the dining room as they resumed their conversations. Sasori pulled out another Stephen King novel and started reading while Deidara continued to glare at Susan. Mark managed to get the muffins out of the pans in one piece and piled them onto plates. Susan stared at the confectionary mountains and sighed. The food was disappearing faster than she could eat her little old apple.

"What should we eat for dinner tonight?" Mark asked her.

"Well, we have tons of pasta," said Susan. "We could have spaghetti and garlic bread."

"Sounds awesome. Let's do that," said Mark, carrying the plates out to the dining room. Susan followed him into the dining room.

"I won't be home until late," she said. "I have to work from one to six and then I'm going to pick up the mail from my apartment."

"Can you get some groceries?" asked Mark as he set the plates full of muffins on the table.

"What do we need now?" asked Susan, folding her arms over her chest.

"We need more food," said Mark, giving her the 'Duh' face.

"What, more junk food?" she asked sarcastically.

"No," said Mark, looking irritated.

Susan sighed. "Make a list and I'll get it."

"Fine," said Mark snippily.

"Fine," said Susan, imitating his voice with a high nasal twang.

Mark glared at her. "Don't start with that."

"Start with what?" said Susan.

"You're getting pissy about a little thing like getting groceries," said Mark.

"You're not the one who has to go to work and then fight traffic to get to the grocery store at the end of the day," said Susan. She looked at everyone sitting around the table. "And I suppose I'm the one who's going to be cooking dinner tonight."

"You don't have to," said Mark. "I'll do it."

"You've never made spaghetti," said Susan.

"I can learn. It can't be that hard," said Mark, looking indignant. "I'm not a little kid anymore."

"And yet you need me to look after you while Mom and Dad are out of town," said Susan.

"Why are you being such an asshole?" said Mark, putting his hands on his hips. Susan's eyes widened and a deep crease formed between her eyebrows.

"Because someone needs to keep you from getting too big for you britches, little buddy," she said, imitating his pose.

At this point everyone stopped stuffing their faces with muffin and watched the sibling spat that was unfolding in front of them. Even Sasori and Deidara turned around in their seats to listen in.

"I can take care of myself," said Mark.

"Can you?" asked Susan. "Can you drive yourself to the store to buy groceries?"

Mark glowered at her. "No."

"Can you hold down a legitimate, paying job?" she asked.

"I'm not old enough," he said.

Susan spread her hands in front of her. "I've made my point."

"You're not making a point. You're just talking down to me like I'm five years old," said Mark. He brushed past Susan and headed upstairs.

"If you're going to take a shower, you might want to wait a while," Susan called after her brother. "We're out of hot water because _someone_ took the longest freaking shower in recorded FREAKING history!" she hollered, looking straight at Hidan. The Jashinist gave her a clueless look, his cheeks packed full of food like a chipmunk.

"Ugh!" Susan threw her arms up and slapped them down at her sides before opening the patio door and storming outside, slamming the door behind her with enough force to rattle the glass in the frame. Everyone watched her with raised eyebrows as she threw her apple into the bird-bomb crater in the lawn before she walked over to the hammock and threw herself onto it.

She stayed outside for over a half an hour, swinging back and forth in the hammock. She heard the patio door slide open and groaned, throwing an arm over her face. Footsteps approached and stopped right beside her.

"Are you gonna lay there until you snap again, hmm?" someone asked.

Susan peeked out from under her arm at Deidara. "Why are you here?" she growled.

"I needed a breath of fresh air, un," said Deidara. Susan removed her arm from her face and squinted at him.

"I need a little space, too, you know," he said knowingly.

"Then why are you invading mine?" she asked crossly.

"Because it annoys you, hmm," he said, grinning at her. She made a noise of disgust and looked away.

"You know, that ugly crease between your eyebrows makes you look like an old hag," he said.

"Gee, thanks for noticing," she grumbled.

"You shouldn't frown so much, hmm," said Deidara.

She snorted humorlessly.

"You smile a lot in your baby pictures, though," he said in a lighter, baiting tone.

Susan sat up and looked frantically at him. "WHAT?"

"Your brother broke out the photo albums while you've been out here sulking, hmm," he said. "Everyone's looking at your chubby little mug as we speak."

Her stomach nearly bottomed out as burning horror set in like a hot flash.

"Holy sh—!" Susan struggled out of the hammock and fell on the ground. Unfazed, she quickly got up and took off in a dead run for the patio door. She ripped it open and stumbled in to find everyone crowded around several large photo albums on the dining room table.

She looked furiously at Mark who was leaning over Kisame's shoulder and explaining the scene in one of the pictures to the shark ninja and his partner.

Susan looked over Kakuzu and Hidan's shoulders as they cackled at a picture of her parents wearing moose antlers and posing with a giant grizzly bear totem at a national park.

She hung her head. "Mark, you sneaky little…"

"And here's Susan getting a bath in the sink at Grandma and Grandpa's house," said Mark, pointing a photograph out to Kisame and Itachi.

Susan hurried around the table and shoved her brother out of the way so that she could see what they were looking at. Sure enough, there she was in all her pudgy baby glory, her short hair in cowlicks, frozen in the act of trying to eat a handful of bath bubbles.

She looked at Mark and pointed a finger at him. "You've gone too far," she told him.

"I'm making_ my_ point that you were a helpless little kid once upon a time," said Mark.

"This is a new low," she said miserably. "This isn't fair!"

"It's called getting even. Deal with it," said Mark.

"All of your embarrassing baby pictures are in there, too, you know," argued Susan.

Mark didn't look concerned. "I'm comfortable with my youth, thank you very much," he said condescendingly.

"Here's a good one," said Kisame. Everyone looked over his shoulder at the photograph he was pointing at. It was of Susan, two years old, wearing a pink swimsuit and standing in the sand on a beach with her face red, eyes pinched shut and mouth drawn open in the middle of what looked like a lung-collapsing tantrum scream.

"What a frightening child you must have been," said Zetsu.

"**Frightening is not the correct word to describe that face**," said his darker half. "**It's beyond horrifying**."

"Like you've never bawled your eyes out when you were two years old!" said Susan.

Zetsu looked at her with his reflective gold eyes. "We haven't," said his lighter side.

Kisame chuckled. "You look like a pumpkin," he said.

"It's baby fat!" Susan wailed.

Kisame looked at her with a raised eyebrow. "Calm down, woman. It's just a photograph."

"There is a theory that the camera adds ten pounds, Susan-san," said Tobi. He held up the other photo album to show everyone the page he and Hidan were looking at. "Look!"

"Now that's a fucking pumpkin!" said Hidan. The picture was of Susan when she was five, chubby and round-faced with paint smeared all over her cheeks.

"How would you like a mouth full of teeth?" Susan asked him angrily.

"Who's that little booger?" asked Deidara, pointing to a picture in the book Kisame and Itachi were looking at. It was a picture of nine-year-old Susan holding a very new baby in her arms.

"That's me," said Mark, pointing at the infant.

Susan leaned in between Kisame and Itachi to get a better look. "That was taken a few days after you were born," she said.

Susan flipped the page and paused when she spotted a picture of her and Tim holding three-year-old Mark by each of his arms. She tapped it with her finger. "I remember that. We went to the state fair and Mark barfed on my shoe," she said.

"I did?" asked Mark.

"You were always barfing on me," said Susan.

"Kids are gross, hmm," said Deidara.

"Tobi doesn't think kids are gross," said Tobi.

"That's you?" asked Deidara disbelievingly, pointing at Susan's gangly twelve-year-old frame.

"Not so fat now, huh?" Susan said smugly.

"Who's this person next to you?" asked Sasori, pointing to the other twelve-year-old boy with hair as dark as Susan's.

"That's Tim," said Mark. Sasori looked at him and Mark nodded.

"Wow!" said Tobi, slapping one of the albums down in front of everyone and jabbing a finger at Susan's senior prom picture. "Get a load of this!"

Kisame whistled. "That sure as hell isn't a pumpkin," he said.

In the picture, Susan wore a dark blue strapless dress and smoky eye shadow that made here eyes seem luminous in the camera flash. She was holding hands with Robert, then twenty years old to her seventeen years old. Looking back on it, Susan remembered begging Robert to accompany her to prom after her date skipped out on her with another girl. That night pretty much started her and Robert on the dating track.

"Not bad at all," said Kisame. "You were quite a looker."

"You say that like I'm past my prime now," said Susan, slouching her shoulders. Kisame turned and looked her up and down.

"You're still nice to look at," he offered.

"I'm not awarding brownie points here. I think we've all had enough of this stuff," she said, going around the table and gathering up the photo albums.

"It was just starting to get fun," said Kisame.

"I didn't know children had such stretchy faces," said Pain, folding his hands on the table and looking perplexedly out the window. Everyone looked at him as though he had spontaneously combusted. It was very odd seeing that he rarely spoke unless prompted.

Susan ignored them and carried the albums up to her room where she shoved them under her bed. She sat up and paused when she saw Sasori standing in the doorway.

"Didn't get enough of the pictures?" she asked him.

"I wanted to apologize for this morning," he said.

"Oh…Um, that's…" she sighed and scratched the back of her neck. She was so surprised she didn't know what to say.

"I didn't mean to offend you," he said.

"It's not something I'm used to talking about with strangers," she said.

"We're not so strange, are we?" he asked her, the corners of his mouth pulling upward just a tiny bit.

"Well, I don't know anything about you except that you're…strange," she said, squinting an eye at him.

"We're human despite our inhuman qualities," he said.

"Some would consider you extra terrestrials," she said.

He raised an eyebrow at her. "Do you?"

"To be honest, I don't know what the hell you guys are," she said, standing up. "Anyways, you asked me a question about Tim and I think you're entitled to an answer."

"Mark-san already told me," he said.

She looked down at her hands resting in her lap. "Then you have to answer _my_ question," she said, looking up at him.

"Which is?" he asked.

"You didn't say how much of you is puppet parts and how much of you is still you," she said. "You don't eat and you don't sleep. Those are two basic things a human being has to do in order to live. If you don't need to do either of those anymore, are you even alive?"

Sasori looked thoughtfully at her for a few moments before he stepped into the room and closed the door behind him. Susan backed away as he came towards her. "What are you doing?" she asked.

"You've seen me as I am and since we are being honest with each other, I can show you exactly how I function," he said, lifting his shirt to show her the odd construction of his chest. There was a flesh colored panel covering the once shamelessly exposed spool of wire in his belly. It looked just like real skin complete with a little dimple for a belly button, but she could see the seams that made it removable.

"That's close enough," warned Susan as she leaned against the wall farthest from him.

Sasori stopped a couple of feet from her and peeled off the t-shirt he had borrowed from Mark. He pointed to the red cylinder on the left side of his chest. "This is one of the only truly human things I have left," he said. "My brain and my heart have been preserved and my body altered so that it cannot grow or age."

"What about the rest of your organs?" Susan asked.

"I don't need them anymore," he said. "The brain and heart are the only major organs I need to survive."

Susan ran a hand over her face. This wasn't what she was expecting to hear. She had been thinking about mad scientists and ingenious insanity, but what kind of crazy was Sasori?

"Why did you do that to yourself?" she asked softly.

"Beauty is permanence. I can't afford to grow old an die when there is so much at stake," said Sasori.

"What's at stake?" asked Susan.

"My body, my life," said Sasori, resting a hand over his heart. "Everything partial to my existence."

Susan frowned. "That sounds selfish."

"Yes, but isn't every life form on the planet inclined to selfishness?" he asked her.

"When it comes to survival, I suppose," she said "But what about procreation? That's not a selfish act."

"It's a way of preserving one's own species," said Sasori. "When the day comes when you want a child, will you have it because you want something you can devote your life to nurturing or will you have it because you want to prolong your lineage?"

"You can't break it down like that," said Susan. "It's far more complex than that and you know it."

His eyebrows drew together in an irritated frown and his mouth formed a tight line.

"So how about you? Can you…you know," she said, gesturing below her waistline. "Are you…?"

"Anatomically correct?" he asked, raising his eyebrows.

Susan looked at him with wide-eyed curiosity. "Are you?"

"I am," he said. "On top of that my vascular system still works so long as I have a beating heart."

Susan crossed her arms over her chest. "So can you?"

"Can I what?" he asked.

"Can you…"

"Have sex?" he continued for her. "I don't need to."

"But do you ever want to?" she asked, now way too fascinated to suppress her curiosity.

He blinked slowly at her and tipped his head to the side. "No."

"That can't be healthy," she said absently, looking away from him.

"Why?" he asked.

Her eyes darted over to him and she shook her head. "I don't really know. Can you feel physical sensations?" she asked him.

He nodded.

"Emotions?" she asked.

"Of course I can," he said, frowning at her.

So he was human (for the most part) after all. 'Maybe a little sexually repressed but not a total Martian,' thought Susan. He hadn't done anything in the way of threatening since they first met and he wasn't a hair hostile toward her. Actually, Sasori had been nothing short of a gentleman around Susan. He was more amiable and courteous than he let on and Susan thought that was rare for a person...puppet such as himself. But it didn't mean she trusted him.

Susan came toward him, stroking the invisible beard on her chin. "You're an odd duck," she said, pausing and then looking sincerely at him. "But I guess I don't think any less of you because of it."

"You're wrong if you think you're past your prime," said Sasori. "Beauty can sometimes increase with age. You seem like one of those rare people whose beauty will grow into the twilight of their life."

Susan snorted. "I thought you said you didn't believe in old age."

"Now you're just trying to contradict me," he said.

Susan picked up his shirt and handed it to him. "Well, thanks for the stimulating conversation," she said, going over to the door and opening it to find Mark and Tobi standing outside.

Mark looked over her shoulder at Sasori who was putting his shirt back on. He looked frightfully at Susan. "Suse, what's going on?" he asked her.

"We just had to sort out some things between…us," said Susan. "By the way, thanks for spilling the beans about Tim."

"Yeah, sure." Mark nodded absently and looked at Sasori as he approach them. "Are you sure you two were just talking in there?"

Susan realized what he was insinuating and shook her head frantically. "Oh, hell no. It's not what you think," she said.

"Tobi thinks something weird was going on in there," said Tobi.

"Weird? Yes. But not the kind of weird you're thinking of," said Susan.

Sasori stepped out into the hallway. "Settle down. She's telling the truth," he told Tobi before he headed for the stairs. Mark looked suspiciously at Susan.

"What? We were just talking," said Susan. "Anyway, you looked like you were about to knock on my door. What could you possibly want now?"

"I want to take some of the guys out for a walk," said Mark.

"Absolutely not," said Susan.

"They're getting restless," said Mark.

"Tobi hasn't done so much as one kata since he's been here," said Tobi, planting his hands on his lower back and twisting this way and that. "Tobi's stiff as a board."

"Everyone else is complaining, too," said Mark. "They need to get out for a while."

"No," said Susan. "Besides, it's your turn to the do the laundry and the weather report says it's gonna rain."

"Not 'til later," said Mark.

"I have to get ready for work. I don't have time to argue with you," said Susan, heading back into her room and opening her closer. She pulled out a black skirt and blue button up dress shirt.

"You guys are just gonna have to stay here and bear it," she told them before she shut the door on them.

Mark sighed and turned to Tobi. "I tried."

Tobi slapped a hand on his shoulder, nearly knocking Mark off his feet, and lead him down the hallway. "Mark-san shouldn't have to listen to what big sister says all the time," he said. "If Tobi were Mark-san, he would do whatever makes him feel better."

"Like go for a long walk to cool down after listening to big sister's I'm-older-than-you speech," said Mark.

"Mark-san got big sister back pretty good with the baby pictures," said Tobi.

Mark smiled. "I think I know how we can get her back even more."

* * *

There's a lot of focus on Sasori in this chapter, but I think he's a pretty nifty character. Who doesn't like puppet ninjas, huh?

I'm posting a playlist of songs that inspired this fic on my profile. Check it out!

Reviews? I will give you all big fat cyber kisses if you comment or offer me your criticism.

See ya!


	9. From Bad to Worse

**Warning!** This chapter contains crude humor and very mature subject matter. This made me wonder if the rating should go up to M. Usually lemons constitute an M rating, but this is just one of those things... I don't know. Read and judge for yourself, and maybe tell me how I did?

Disclaimer: I own nothing and no one. May the gods strike me dead if I'm lying. I do own the OCs, though.

Enjoy!

* * *

Chapter 9

From Bad to Worse

As the heat of the afternoon crept into the house, Susan decided that it was hot enough to turn on the air conditioning. No one else seemed bothered by the humidity, but she felt like she was sweating bullets in a Mexican standoff. Her knit skirt swished around her knees as she went around the house and closed the windows. As she was walking by the patio window, she stopped and looked outside.

Mark was in the backyard with Itachi, Konan, Kisame and Tobi, and she noticed that there were pieces of paper stuck to the tree trunks. Susan looked up into one of the trees at Zetsu who was securing more pieces of paper to the branches. Tobi successfully climbed into the hammock without flipping it and Mark was sitting on the ground talking to Kisame. The shark man squatted next to him with his giant sword resting against his shoulder while Itachi sat across from them untangling a rope strung with kunai. It sure as hell didn't look like they were getting ready to play softball.

"BOO!" someone yelled right next to her ear.

Susan screamed and spun around, smacking the back of her head on the patio door. Deidara and Hidan started laughing uncontrollably. She gripped the back of her smarting skull and glared fiercely at them.

"You're too fucking easy!" said Hidan.

The impulse to reach out and stab him in the eyeballs was overpowering, but Susan settled for clenching her hands at her sides.

"You guys aren't funny," she said.

"We're just having some fun with you, hmm," said Deidara.

Susan rolled her eyes and looked outside. Everyone was backing away as Itachi got to his feet and slipped some kunai off the rope. Konan put her hand on Mark's shoulder and gently guided him back until he was almost standing behind Kisame.

"What the hell are they doing now?" Susan asked no one in particular. She opened the patio door and stepped outside.

Itachi crouched low to the ground, holding three kunai in each of his hands. It looked like he was about to start throwing them. Oh no. Susan panicked. She opened her mouth to yell and started to walk towards him when someone grabbed her by the shoulder and held her back.

"I wouldn't get close to that if I were you, hmm," said Deidara as he came up beside her with his hand planted on her shoulder. She glared at him and tried to shrug it off, but Deidara held on firmly. Susan looked over at the group and saw that Itachi had disappeared.

"Where'd he go?" she asked, looking around.

"Look up," said Deidara.

She looked up and saw a dark blur dart between the trees and she heard six consecutive thumps. In the blink of an eye Itachi was back on the ground in a tight crouch. Susan looked at the trees and counted six kunai pinning the paper targets like darts on a dartboard.

"How did he…?" Susan was dumbfounded. She looked between Itachi and the trees. "I didn't even see him move!"

"If you had walked into his field of vision, you probably would have ended up like those trees over there, hmm," said Deidara. He let go of her and crossed his arms over his chest.

She looked at him. "Are all of you that fast?"

Deidara huffed and glared at Itachi. "Maybe not as fast as the fucking mentalist over there, but we can hold our own, hmm."

Susan looked over at Itachi and watched her brother approach him. Mark looked timidly at the Uchiha as he handed him the string of kunai.

"Do you know anything about Itachi's Sharingan?" she asked Deidara.

Deidara snorted. "What do you want to know?"

"What does it do?"

"It can be used for mind manipulation. At least that's what the bastard did to me when I fought him," he said.

"What was it like?" asked Susan.

Deidara looked at her and chewed the inside of his cheek in thought. "Well, it wasn't fun," he said slowly. His eyebrows drew together in a deep frown. "The Sharingan can make you see and feel things that aren't really there, hmm. Eye contact is all it takes to trap you in its genjutsu when it's activated. It paralyzes you before you even know what's happening, but sometimes you can still jerk around like you're fighting a bad dream, or so I've seen others do before they drop like dead weight, un."

"Does it inflict pain?" she asked him.

He shrugged his shoulders. "It's not your body that gets wounded. The damage occurs in the mind, un."

It sounded like some kind of hypnosis where a person could be made to believe that they were being harmed if that's what the user wished. Susan was no doctor (that was her mother's job), but she didn't doubt that the Sharingan could cause its victim to go into convulsions, possibly triggering a bodily reaction similar to a grand mal seizure. Susan's dream about Tim had felt so frighteningly real that it went beyond the limits of a common night terror. She could have jumped out of her skin if she hadn't been locked into sleep paralysis.

"What about dreams?" she asked. "Can someone like Itachi take a person's thoughts and warp them into some kind of sleep hallucination?"

He frowned at her and shook his head. "I don't know, un."

Susan folded her arms over her chest and stroked her jaw thoughtfully. "Hmm."

She watched Itachi crouch on the ground once again, holding hands full of kunai behind his back. He disappeared in a blur and reappeared in the air. With the flick of his wrists, his hands were empty and more kunai were stuck in the trees before he landed back on the ground.

"Why so interested in the Sharingan all of the sudden, hmm?" asked Deidara.

"I just want to know what your buddy over there is capable of," said Susan.

"Take my advice. Don't trust _anyone_ with eyes like his," said Deidara.

She stared at him. "You don't like him very much, do you?"

He scowled at her. "I have every reason to hate the son of a bitch," he said before he walked back into the house, leaving Susan looking thoughtfully at the spot he had vacated beside her. She knew there was bad blood between those two. She didn't like to agree with Deidara, but she didn't blame him for hating Itachi.

She looked at Mark who was poking at the wrapped sword that Kisame had left unattended. Something started to squirm under the white cloth, making an odd chittering noise like some sort of rodent. Mark gripped a loose edge of cloth and pulled on it and Susan walked over and gripped her brother by the sleeve of his shirt. She quickly dragged him away from the others to where she hoped they would be out of earshot.

"If you touch any of that stuff, I will kill you," she told him.

He rolled his eyes. "Shouldn't you be going to work?"

Susan straightened her shirt and adjusted the waistband of her skirt. "Promise me you'll be good and _stay here _while I'm gone?"

"Yeah, sure. Where's the puzzle box?" he said.

"It's in my room. We'll open it later when I get home," said Susan.

"Where did you get it from anyway?" he asked.

"I got it from Grandma Junko," said Susan.

Mark suddenly remembered that there was a small collection of Japanese artwork for sale in Grandma Junko's antique store. She and Grandpa Bill used to take trips to her home country and they always brought something back home with them. Mark wished he could have visited Japan at least once, but Grandma Junko stopped traveling after her husband died eleven years ago—when Mark was still a baby. Susan and Tim had gone on a trip to Japan with their parents and grandparents when they were too young to remember the experience, but Mark had envied them for it anyway. His mom kept promising that they would go back, but their plans always seemed to fall apart for one reason or another.

"Right," said Mark as he turned to leave.

"Mark."

He paused and looked at his sister.

"Tell them to knock off the target practice. I don't want to get a phone call you saying that you got impaled by one of those knives," she said.

"Fine. But just so you know, they know what they're doing," he said.

"That's what I'm afraid of," Susan muttered as she headed into the house. She grabbed her purse and car keys and headed for the front door, passing Hidan and Deidara in the living room.

The grating sound of a rock scraping metal made her stop in her tracks and she turned around to look at Hidan who was sitting on the couch running what looked like a whet stone along one of the blades on his scythe. She gritted her teeth as it made a particularly harsh grinding noise. She looked over at Deidara who was sitting on the floor making little spider-like figurines out of clay. They were crawling around on the floor and climbing onto the furniture and up the walls.

Susan's eye twitched when she noticed one of the spiders crawling up her leg. Its buggy eyes stared lifelessly at her and she shook her leg to try and get it off, but the thing clung to her ankle like it was made of super glue. Both ninjas stopped what they were doing to watch her struggle. She reached down and plucked the spider off her ankle, holding it up and looking at its wriggling body.

"Please tell me these are not rigged to explode," she said to Deidara.

"They aren't, hmm," he said.

"Then what's with the army of spiders?" she asked. Her captive spider wriggled out of her hand and crawled along her arm.

"They're for your brother, hmm. He said he wanted to play a game of lawn checkers, whatever the hell that is," said Deidara, raising his hand and extending his pointer and middle finger to form a hand sign. The spider on Susan's shoulder sprouted wings and took to the air. It hovered in front of Susan's face before flying over to Deidara and perching on his outstretched hand.

"You guys are bored, aren't you?" she asked them.

"Humph. How'd you guess?" muttered Hidan.

Susan looked at him as he was testing the blade with his finger. A rivulet of blood dribbled down his wrist and he smiled with satisfaction as he examined the small cut on his finger. Susan quickly left the room when he started licking the blood away, but she paused when she got to the front door.

"Hey, can you guys do me a favor?" she called to them as she opened the door.

"What?" Deidara called from the other room.

"Don't let my brother play with your toys!" she said before slamming the door behind her.

^.^ ^.^ ^.^ ^.^

The coffee shop was nearly empty when she got there. Her boss wasn't happy about her missing work the day before and was even less happy with her for being late that afternoon. Susan didn't get a firm talking to, but she sensed his disappointment at her unusual behavior. 'If only he knew,' thought Susan. Her life had suddenly become very weird over the course of four days and the craziest part was that she was starting to get used to it…kind of.

Robert called her cell phone five times before Susan finally turned her ringer off. She thought that by not answering the phone, it would remind him that she was still holding the reigns. But then Robert showed up at the coffee shop an hour later.

Joline nudged Susan's shoulder as she was making a coffee cooler in the blender. "You have a visitor."

Susan turned and saw Robert standing in front of the counter dressed in a suit and tie—fresh from the office. He gave her a wave and Susan quickly turned back around, stopping the blender and bowing her head, heaving a deep sigh.

"Good luck, dear. Let me know if he needs his ass kicked," said Joline. She patted Susan's shoulder before taking off to help another customer.

Susan wiped her sweaty hands on her apron and approached Robert at the counter. "What?" she asked.

"Well hello to you, too," said Robert with a silly smile. Susan wasn't amused.

"What do you want?" she asked.

His smile faded at the corners and his brown eyes drifted down to her hands as she continued to wipe them on her apron. "Where's the ring I gave you?"

"I took it off," she said.

"Why?" he asked, spreading his hands on the counter.

"It kept snagging on my clothes," she said.

"You didn't answer my calls today," he said.

"I'm still mad at you."

"This is getting us nowhere," he said. "You're being immature."

Her eyes widened. "Am I?"

He nodded. "Yeah. You are. And frankly it's starting to piss me off," he said.

"Now you know how I feel," she said.

"How long are you going to do this? We can't keep us on hold forever. I need to know what you're thinking," he said.

Susan looked over at Joline who was watching them from her post at the cash register. She made a face-punch gesture and Susan shook her head at her. Joline leaned against the counter looking disappointed. She was a tough chick, which meant that collecting tattoos and attending punk rock concerts were her favorite pastimes. Joline had a tendency to make one's experience in the mosh pit hurt like a bar fight the next morning. Susan knew all about it after spending a Saturday night in a warehouse full of broken beer bottles and thrashing bodies next to Joline who pretty much acted as her body guard while the crowd was being subjected to atrocious song covers of The Misfits.

"I'm not going to decide anything until you tell me who else you've slept with while we've been together," she told Robert. "You won't tell me anything about this other girl you were seeing and I'm starting to think that it's someone I might know."

Robert looked around, running a hand through his longish brown hair. "I'm not going to discuss that here," he said.

"Then what did you come here for?" she asked him.

He looked at her for a moment or two and raised an eyebrow. "Coffee?"

Susan shook her head, snorting humorlessly. "The usual?"

"Yeah," he said.

Susan never had to ask how he took his coffee. She gave him a small cup of decaf, black. That was one of the things she had liked about Robert. It didn't take much but a plain cup of hot coffee to make him happy. He used to say that all he needed to be happy was something to keep him warm—usually he said it when they were cuddling under the covers after an urgent yet tender session of lovemaking.

"Can you spare a few minutes and talk with me. I'm on my work break," said Robert.

"I don't get a break today. I got here an hour ago and I'm only here until six," said Susan.

"Then I'll just bother you until I finish my coffee," said Robert, following her along the counter as she went to the sink. "How's Mark?"

"He's fine," said Susan, rinsing smoothie gunk out of a pitcher.

"And your parents?" he asked.

"They're fine."

There was a long pause as she continued to wash containers in the sink with her back to Robert.

"You didn't tell them what's going on between us, did you?" he asked her.

"No," said Susan. She turned to look at Robert. "I don't know how I'm going to tell them yet."

Robert looked at her for a while, tilting his head to the side a little. "You hardly smile anymore," he said.

"I don't have much of a reason to these days," she said.

His eyebrows knit together as he looked down at the counter. "A suppose another apology isn't going to make you feel better."

"I've been hearing it since I was fifteen when every boyfriend I've ever had left me in the dust for someone else, and now I can't figure out why you'd ask me to marry you while you were seeing someone else. Someone you just couldn't let go of despite me," said Susan. She shrugged her shoulders. "Forgive me if I'm acting a little ruthless here, but it really makes me wonder what the hell you were still doing with me."

"You wouldn't understand it," said Robert.

"Understand what?" she said.

"It was a mistake," he said. "I made a mistake but it wasn't really my fault."

"How could it not be your fault?" said Susan.

Robert set his coffee down on the counter. "I can't talk about it here."

"You better because we're not talking about it at all if you can't do it here," said Susan.

Robert looked uncomfortable. She hadn't seen him this uncomfortable since she confronted him over a week ago. "Not here," he said.

"Then we're done talking," said Susan. "I have to get back to work and you probably should, too."

"Susan," he called after her, but she ignored him and went to the back room. She stayed there for ten minutes until Joline peeked her head in the door.

"He's gone. You can come out now," she said.

Susan sat on a stack of cardboard boxes and crossed her arms. "I don't think I'm ready to come out yet."

"I will admit you were a little rough with him. You can be one cold, hard bitch," said Joline.

"I'm just so pissed at him," said Susan, glaring at the row of shelves in front of her. "I should have shit-canned him right then and there."

"Why didn't you?" asked Joline.

"I don't know. I don't even know what the hell I'm doing anymore," said Susan, running her hands over her face.

"You seem pretty distracted," said Joline.

"I am," said Susan. Except distracted wasn't the word to describe it. Distressed was a better way to put it.

"You wanna talk about it?" asked Joline.

"Thank you for the offer, but I'm okay," said Susan. She looked at Joline and smiled. "I'm okay," she repeated as if trying to convince herself.

Joline didn't look very convinced, but she left Susan alone. After another minute or so she came back out and carried on like nothing had happened. She and Robert weren't making any progress. Susan knew she was being stubborn, but she was still so angry with him. She didn't know what to do anymore. Robert acted like he didn't want to let her go, but did he mean it? He was the first person she had ever stayed in a long, committed relationship with. She was afraid that if she completely scratched him out of her life, the chances of her finding something like what she thought she had going with Robert would be too slim. Wait, what the hell was she thinking? There were billions of men out there for her to choose from. How could she not expect to find someone else as handsome and ambitious and financially sound as Robert was? The thought comforted her somewhat until near the end of her shift when she got another surprise.

Mark walked into the coffee shop with Deidara, Hidan and Itachi following close behind him. Susan dropped the plates she was carrying when she saw them. The china crashed on the floor, scattering broken shards everywhere, and silverware clanged as it bounced at her feet. Everyone's head whipped around to stare at her but she was too busy gawking at her visitors to notice the mess she had made. All that mattered was that her brother had come to visit her and he brought only three ninjas with him.

"Where's everyone else?" she asked Mark as he approached her. She looking over his shoulder at the door, hoping to see the remaining seven ninjas come filing into the cafe.

Mark looked from the shattered plates on the floor to his sister's stark face. "They're at home."

Susan nodded frenetically, raising her eyebrows. "Alone. You left them home ALONE!"

"Yup," he said, giving her a wide grin that said 'fuck you' plain as day.

"How did you get here?" she asked him.

"We walked, hmm," said Deidara.

Susan looked at the three ninjas and noticed that Deidara and Hidan were each sucking down a large gas station slurpee and Itachi was wearing a pair of mirrored sunglasses. Even with the sunglasses on, she still recognized his no-nonsense glare. All that was missing were a dark suit and an earpiece and he could have passed for a secret service agent, or maybe an undertaker. Good God.

Susan ran her hands through her hair in frustration. "Why are you here?" she asked them.

"We were bored, so we decided to go for a walk," said Mark.

Susan pointed a finger at Mark. "_You_ are in so much trouble," she said before kneeling down to pick up the mess on the floor.

"For what?" Mark asked.

"You know bloody well what. I told you not to pull shit like this," said Susan as she carried the broken dishes to the garbage can and threw them into the garbage can with a loud crash.

"I was just showing them around town," said Mark, gesturing to his three claimed tourists. "I even got Itachi to come with."

Susan looked at the stoic ninja who was currently surveying the interior of the coffee shop and its patrons. "So what?" she asked her brother.

Mark leaned in closer to his sister and spoke quietly. "He's been a total stick in the mud since he got here, but now I think he's starting to come out of his shell a little."

"Mark, Itachi is not shy. He's antisocial and…creepy," said Susan.

"He just looks that way because of his eyes," said Mark. He looked over at Itachi. "He looks okay with sunglasses on, though."

"Can't he shut those things off?" she asked.

Mark paused and then whispered, "That's the problem. He can't see very well without his Sharingan."

Susan looked at Itachi for a few moments and she leaned in close to her brother. "Are you saying that he's, like, legally blind without it?"

"Pretty much," said Mark. That was a newsflash to Susan. Who knew Itachi actually had poor eyesight despite his freakish optical abilities?

Deidara and Hidan approached the counter and Susan watched Deidara suck down over half of his cherry slurpee before he finally let go of the straw and looked at the floor in deep concentration. Susan was about to say something to him when he opened his mouth and unleashed a loud, frog-like belch. With a finishing groan, he slumped forward and turned to Mark.

"How long was that one?" he asked, wiping his mouth.

Mark was looking at his watch. "Twelve seconds."

Deidara turned to Hidan and jabbed a finger at him. "I beat your time, hmm!"

Hidan glared at him. "You know what? Beat this," he said, extending his middle finger to the blond ninja.

"You guys are nasty," said Susan.

Itachi approached the group. "I still hold the record," he informed Deidara.

Susan looked at Itachi and squinted. What. The. _FUCK_. That one came right out of leftfield and slapped her brain ass-backwards into next week. There was no way that Itachi, one of the cleanest and quietest of the group, could be as disgusting as the two slurpee-sucking yahoos Mark dragged along on his little expedition.

Deidara glared at Itachi and turned his nose up in the air. "_Freak_," he muttered under his breath.

"Hey, keep in mind that the competition was _your_ idea, shithead," said Hidan.

"I honestly don't know how you produced enough wind to last thirty seconds," Mark said to Itachi. "That's got to be some kind of world record."

Susan's mouth fell open. She was about ready to fall over and die when Joline sidled up next to her and whispered into Susan's ear, "Who are your gross friends?"

Susan ignored Joline and came towards the counter. "Listen, I'm almost done with work here. You guys are riding home with me." She was relieved when nobody protested.

Susan glared at Mark as she untied her apron. "Nobody move. I'll be right back," she said before she went to the break room to clock out and get her things. She collected her brother and the three ninjas and said a hasty goodbye to Joline before shoving them out the door.

Itachi got in the front seat of her car while Mark sat between Deidara and Hidan in the back. Susan was disturbed at having Itachi sit up front, but she supposed he was sitting away from the others because he didn't get along with Deidara.

"I have to stop at my apartment and pick up the mail," she told them.

On the drive over, she noticed that Itachi was handling vehicular travel better than the others did when she took them to the store in her parents' truck. He seemed totally at ease, though once in a while he reached up and tugged the seatbelt away from his neck.

"So are we gonna get to see the inside of your apartment, hmm?" asked Deidara.

"No," said Susan.

"You might as well show them since they might have to stay there. You know, like if they don't get home before Mom and Dad get back from Alabama," said Mark.

"Don't think that way, Mark," said Susan. "Besides, there is nothing exciting about my apartment."

"Well, I'm not waiting in this fucking car when we get there," said Hidan, yanking the seatbelt away from his neck.

"Yeah, we might start chewing on the upholstery or something, hmm," said Deidara, holding up his hands. The mouths clicked their teeth in a shivering motion.

"Or we could dismantle your car from the inside out," said Hidan. "Take your pick."

Susan frowned and glanced over at Itachi who had said nothing the entire time. "Anything you'd like to add to their threats?" she asked him. "Perhaps you'd like to eat the dashboard," she suggested.

Itachi just looked at her. He obviously didn't get the joke. "We'll wait in the car if you wish," he said.

"The hell we will," said Deidara. He leaned up front and stuck his head over Susan's shoulder. "We've been listening to your stupid rules since we got here and it's getting a little stifling. It's not like we're going to run away if you let us out of the car."

"Where the fuck would we go anyway?" said Hidan, adjusting his seatbelt as he attempted to scoot away from Mark.

Susan glanced in the rearview mirror at Deidara and Hidan. "Look, I'm just..." she paused and looked at the road. "I just worry, is all," she told them.

"You worry for nothing, hmm," said Deidara, falling back into his seat and crossing his arms.

"They're more responsible than you think," Mark defended.

"Did you even do the laundry today?" asked Susan.

"Stop trying to change the subject," said Mark.

"I'm not changing the subject. I'm just asking if you did the laundry," said Susan.

"I did it," said Mark.

"Sasori-sempai made him do it, hmm," said Deidara.

"No he didn't," Mark said indignantly, shooting Deidara a warning look.

"Oh yeah he did," said Deidara. He turned to Mark who was sulking in his seat. "He cracked the whip on you, squirt."

"Are you kidding me?" said Susan, looking in the rearview mirror at Deidara. Sasori didn't seem like he would take authority with Mark when it came to doing house chores, but then again the puppet ninja was surprising her with new things every day.

"It's scary how much he reminds me of Mom," said Mark. "He does that same passive aggressive guilt trip thing that bugs the crap out of me."

"Like when she sees that you haven't made your bed and she starts hemming and hawing over it like it's sucking all the joy out of her life?" Susan started cracking up.

"Exactly. Except in the end Sasori threatened a slow and painful death if I didn't do the laundry," said Mark.

Susan looked over her shoulder at him. "WHAT?"

"Watch the fucking road!" said Hidan, pointing at the windshield as a car horn blasted and Itachi suddenly grabbed the steering wheel with one hand and jerked the car back into the lane it had been drifting out of while Susan wasn't looking. She stomped on the brake pedal to prevent her car from rear-ending the van in front of her at the stop light.

"Just kidding!" said Mark. He and Deidara started laughing and Susan wrung the steering wheel in her hands, wishing for once that she were wringing her brother's scrawny little neck.

"Mark, I swear to Christ you're going to kill me one of these days," she told him.

"You scare so easily," said Deidara. "It's like you're always waiting for something bad to happen, hmm."

"That's because I am," said Susan as she turned the car into the parking lot of her apartment complex.

"Do we make you nervous?" Itachi asked.

"Would you be surprised if I said yes?" she said as she parked the car next to the building and pulled the keys out of the ignition.

"You've made it quite obvious without saying it," said Itachi.

Susan undid her seatbelt and turned to face him. "Then why ask?" she said crossly.

"How else would we get you to admit it, hmm?" said Deidara with a grin.

Susan shook her head and rolled her eyes as she opened the door and got out of the car. She didn't have to look behind her to know that the others were following her all the way to the building. Her apartment complex was an old brick-faced building that almost resembled a giant mansion, but inside, it was a maze of narrow hallways with flaking paint on the walls and doors, and cracks and stains on the ceilings and creaky floorboards that yielded underfoot. Susan unlocked the outer and inner doors, stopping at her mailbox in the entryway to retrieve four days worth of junk mail and bills. She would have to drop it all off in her apartment anyway, so she ended up bringing her companions inside.

Her apartment wasn't very big. Its space consisted of a living room area connected to the kitchen, one bedroom and one bathroom. The walls were painted off-white and light yellow colors, and Susan decorated the living room with brass floor lamps and a simple black coffee table in front of a blue suede couch, a brown leather armchair and a leaky red beanbag chair that she had salvaged from a friend's chuck pile when she was helping them move. She also had lots of scented candles sitting around—decorative and sweet smelling tea lights, candlesticks and other wax creations that she liked to burn whenever she had company over. It masked the musty smells that emanated from other places inside the building.

"Very artsy-fartsy shithole you got here," said Hidan as he pinched the sheer, silky blue drapes hanging from the laurel leafed brass curtain rod over the living room window.

Susan looked up from going through her mail at the kitchen table. She noticed that all three of the ninjas appeared intrigued by her somewhat eclectic decorating. She had accumulated a lot of old junk from Grandma Junko's shop—pieces of Japanese cork art and stone statuettes in particular. Grandma Junko always gave her a Buddha statue for her birthday and Susan couldn't figure out why the old lady bothered to. Susan didn't know the first thing about Buddhism.

Deidara had wandered into the bathroom and she heard the distinctive sound of her medicine cabinet being opened followed by loud rummaging noises. The blond ninja just couldn't keep his hands to himself. Susan sighed and tried to focus on sorting the mail.

Mark was amusedly watching Hidan and Itachi as they examined nearly every single object they came across like scientists looking at a new specimen. Unlike Hidan and Deidara, Itachi kept his hands to himself as he looked around. Mark noticed that he went straight to the bookshelf on the far wall and was scanning through the book titles. Mark had been keeping track of Itachi's absorption of reading material and he was impressed that the quiet ninja had gotten through such dreary books as _Dracula_, _Frankenstein_ and the works of Edgar Allen Poe in one day. They were classics, but God were they boring, or so Mark thought.

A loud thump from the bedroom made Susan get up and go looking for Deidara. She found him searching through one of her dresser drawers and watched him pull out a pair of pink boy shorts and stretch them as if to test their elasticity. In the reflection of the dresser mirror, the look on his face was one of curious concentration.

"What are you doing?" she asked him, leaning against the doorframe and crossing her arms.

He jumped and turned around, hiding the shorts behind his back. "Nothing," he said quickly.

"That's funny. It looked like you were taking inventory of my underwear drawer," she said.

Hidan barged into the room and looked around. He spotted Deidara and the open drawer peeking out from behind him. He grinned nastily at the blond ninja. "Find anything in your size, cupcake?" he asked, wiggling his eyebrows up and down.

"Screw you," said Deidara.

"Face it, you look like a chick and you could probably pass for one if you tried a little harder," said Hidan.

"It's not my fault I was born cute. And for your information, I get plenty of compliments," said Deidara. He jabbed his chest with his thumb. "I haven't had one complaint from a girl about my looks."

"Pffft. I bet my left nut you've never had a girlfriend before in your life," said Hidan.

Susan snorted. "I'll bet your left nut that neither of you have ever had a girlfriend before in your lives," she said. They both glowered at her. "Ooh, did I hit the nail on the head with that one?" she asked, smiling smugly.

"If you were any bitchier, I'd say you've never had a decent lay in your life," said Deidara.

"If you were any cuter, I'd have to throw you in a box and mail you a Abu Dhabi," said Susan.

Deidara perked up at her comment. "So you think I'm cute?" he asked.

She frowned at him. "No," she said bluntly.

He scowled at her and held up his hand with her pink shorts dangling from his pointer finger. "Your underwear is ugly anyway. I thought you would at least have something interesting in here," he said, tossing the shorts over his shoulder where they landed halfway in the open drawer behind him. Hidan started snickering as Susan walked past Deidara, giving him a dirty look as she shoved the underwear inside the drawer and slammed it shut.

Meanwhile, Mark was sitting on the couch in the living room while Itachi stood by the window. The ninja was looking at the framed photographs sitting on a small antique table under the window. They were pictures of Mark and Susan's parents, friends and some of Mark and Tim.

"So…do you have any brothers or sisters?" Mark asked him. It seemed like a dumb question to be asking because Mark knew who Itachi's brother was, but he felt that he needed to say something in order to coax the ninja into a conversation. Itachi turned to look at him and for a moment Mark thought he wasn't going to answer.

"I have one brother," said Itachi.

"What's he like?" asked Mark.

Itachi seemed to withdraw into thought for a few moments, and Mark was almost sure that he wouldn't say anything more.

"He's a few years older than you are," said Itachi. Mark looked startled for a moment but then he smiled, hoping that it would encourage the Uchiha to go on.

"I can't tell you what he's like," said Itachi.

"Why not?" Mark asked.

Itachi looked toward the window. "Because I haven't seen him in a very long time."

"Do you miss him?" asked Mark. Itachi seemed to consider his question for a few moments when the sound of a key sliding into the lock on the apartment door caught their attention and Mark got up from the couch. The door opened and Robert stepped in. As he shut the door, he looked around and spotted Mark.

"Hey, Rob," said Mark, smiling and walking over to him. He held his hand out for Robert to slap and shake. It was their official buddy-to-buddy greeting.

"Markus," said Robert, reaching over and rubbing Mark on the head, stirring the boy's hair into a wispy mess.

"What's up?" said Mark.

"Oh, I just came to…" Robert paused when he saw Itachi and his cheerful smile faded a little.

Susan came into the living room and paused when she saw Robert. "How did you get in here?" she asked him. Robert showed her the key in his hand.

"You gave me this, remember?" he said. He looked over at Itachi as he shoved the key back into his pocket. "Who's this?" he asked.

Susan answered before Mark could open his mouth. "He's a friend," she blurted.

Robert's eyebrows drew together slightly as he looked Itachi up and down. "Right," he said. Both Mark and Susan caught the note of skepticism in his voice.

"What are you doing here?" asked Susan.

"We're not done talking," said Robert.

"So what, did you think you were just gonna come in here, make yourself at home and wait for me to find you here so we could talk?" said Susan.

"Actually, I followed you here," said Robert.

Susan frowned at him. "You're stalking me now?"

Robert shook his head and shrugged. "What else do you expect me to do? You won't answer my calls and you wouldn't talk to me when I came to see you at work today," he said. "You won't come to me, so I've come to you."

Mark looked confusedly between them. "What's going on?" he asked.

"Get out of my apartment, Robert," said Susan.

"I'm not leaving until we talk," said Robert.

Susan looked at her brother, then at Itachi who was staring warily at Robert. She noticed that he had removed his sunglasses and his red eyes seemed to be glowing like hot coals. She didn't want to get him and the others mixed up with Robert and she certainly didn't want her troubles to escalate any further because of it. But this time Robert wasn't going to leave until he got his way.

"You wanna talk? Fine, but we're taking this into another room," she said, heading toward her bedroom with Robert following. She forgot that Hidan and Deidara were still in there. They both glared dangerously at Robert as soon as they laid eyes on him.

"Out," Susan ordered. Neither of them budged as they continued to look cagily at Robert.

"_Please_," she implored, making a sweeping gesture toward the door. Hidan and Deidara reluctantly moved toward the door and Robert edged away from them as they passed him. When they were out, Susan quickly shut the door behind them.

"Who are those guys?" asked Robert.

"Just friends," said Susan.

"I know all your friends and they aren't those," said Robert.

"How would you know?" she said. "We haven't seen each other in almost two weeks. I'm allowed to make new friends, aren't I?"

"Are you sleeping with any of them?" asked Robert.

Susan put her hands on her hips. "What if I am?" she asked. His scowl grew deeper and it actually gave Susan some satisfaction to see him caught in the gridlock of jealousy.

"Don't mess with me like this," said Robert. "Are you or are you not sleeping with any of them?" He paused and took a step toward her. "Or are you fucking _all_ of them?"

Susan looked furiously at him. "Is that what you think I'd do? Just go around fucking other guys at a time like this? God, you're so…_dense_!" She turned and walked over to the window. The sky was overcast and looked as if it would rain.

"See, this is what drives me crazy about you," said Robert as he started to pace around the room. "You're so goddamn stubborn! It's like pulling teeth trying to get you to talk about things and when you feel threatened you start bluffing until someone says something that pisses you off just enough to make you admit the truth."

"Like what?" she said

Robert stopped his pacing. "Excuse me?"

Susan turned to him and crossed her arms. "You said I don't like talking about things. What kinds of _things_ don't I like to talk about?"

"Us," said Robert. "You always tried to avoid talking about our future. You didn't want to move in with me and you didn't want me to move in with you. At times it was hard to tell what the hell you really wanted." He paused and ran a hand through his hair. "It's like you didn't want things to change and you didn't want _us_ to move forward together."

"I did want to move forward with you, but not so soon. I still have a lot of things to do before settling down," said Susan. "I was afraid that if I said no to you when you proposed, you would have just…"

"Dumped you," Robert finished for her.

"Yeah," she said. "But what I don't get is why you wanted to get married while you were conducting your little affair outside of us."

"She was just a stupid mistake," said Robert. "The only reason I hooked up with her was because I was mad at you."

Susan paused and looked at him. "What did I do?"

"It's what you didn't do," said Robert. "Susan, I know about the baby."

Her heart plummeted into her gut, taking the breath from her lungs along with it. Susan took a step forward, dropping her arms at her sides. "What?" she asked softly.

"I know that you were pregnant once," said Robert.

"How did you find out?" asked Susan.

"I heard it from Tracy. She let it slip after a few drinks a couple months ago," said Robert. "She told me you got pregnant not long after we got together, but you didn't bother to tell me."

Susan went and sat down on her bed before her legs could give out. Tracy was her former roommate. Susan shared an apartment with her when she was a freshman in college. Tracy was also a friend of Robert's and she was supposed to have been one of five other people who knew about the pregnancy.

Susan looked at Robert though a blur of tears. "I was eighteen and I was scared," she said.

"Was it mine?" asked Robert.

Susan looked offended. "Of course it was. I never slept with anybody else."

Robert came and stood in front of her, resting his hands on his hips. "You should have told me about it. I would have helped you," he said.

"I didn't want it," said Susan. "I was in my first year of college, for Christ's sake. I was too young and too busy to be having a kid."

"So you got rid of it," said Robert angrily.

Susan shook her head and wiped a tear from her cheek. "No," she said.

"What?" said Robert.

"I didn't get rid of it," said Susan.

"Tracy said you did," said Robert.

"Like you said, she was drunk when she informed you. She didn't have her facts straight," said Susan. "I miscarried within the first seven weeks."

Robert looked shocked. He swiped his hand over his mouth and looked at the floor.

"I didn't want you to know because I didn't want it handing over your head," she said.

"So you just let it hang over yours," said Robert. He shook his head at her. "You _should_ have told me!" he said viciously, making Susan flinch.

"And hearing the news from my drunk friend made you so angry that you had to go out and fuck some other girl just to get revenge?" she said heatedly.

"You're damn right I was angry. I did it because I thought I could get even with you," said Robert.

Susan snorted and looked away from him. "I'll bet you did."

"It didn't make me feel better," he said. "If anything, I was ashamed of myself.

"Oh yeah, but you weren't ashamed enough to end it with her?" she said icily.

"I thought that I could make it up to myself…and you by asking you to get married," he said. "I didn't want to lose you. I still don't."

Susan tried to laugh, but it ended up sounding like a sob. "Spoken like a true asshole. You did it all for you," she said as she got up and went to the door.

"Now just wait a minute. I didn't mean it that way," said Robert.

"I don't need this right now," said Susan. She opened the door and waited. "Get out," she said quietly.

He came towards her. "Suse..."

"Get out," she said with more force, holding out her hand. "I want my key back."

"Susan," he tried again.

"I can't trust you! Get out!" she yelled at him.

Robert handed her his key to her apartment. "The way I see it, neither of us had the guts to tell each other the truth and look where it got us," he told her. "But just remember that you took the first step when you lost that baby and didn't tell me. I had a right to know, but you just let it go like it was nothing."

"I had to get on with my life," said Susan. "You think I'm the only person to have that happen?"

"The point is that you lied to me first," said Robert. "I have just as much right to be upset with you."

"Bullshit!" said Susan. "You're not the one who lost that baby so I don't expect you to understand what it feels like to have no control over something like that when it happens."

"You would have gotten rid of it anyway," said Robert as he headed down the hallway to the living room. Susan followed him.

"Just because I didn't want it doesn't mean that I would have gotten rid of it on purpose!" she said.

Robert opened the apartment door and turned to look at Susan. "Then when would you have told me about it if you hadn't lost it?" he said.

Susan paused. She opened her mouth and closed it, struggling for an answer. She hadn't planned on telling him about it at all. She was six weeks into the pregnancy when she first learned about it and she lost the baby within the following week. She hadn't made any plans to have an abortion and she hadn't taken time to prepare for the pregnancy either. Her family didn't even know about it. The doctor had suggested that it was heightened stress that caused what he called a spontaneous abortion, or miscarriage. Susan blamed herself for not acknowledging it sooner.

Robert sighed. "Maybe you need a little more time to think about it," he said before shutting the door behind him.

Susan stared at the door for what felt like an eternity. She had completely frozen up, afraid to turn around and face the others who she knew were watching at her. Everyone was quiet as Susan turned around to face her brother and his three companions. Mark was sitting on the couch between Deidara and Hidan (the Jshinist was casually reading a magazine the entire time) while Itachi was still standing by the window like a statue. His eyes still glowed eerily in the gloom as the sky grew darker outside and the distant rumble of thunder crumbled through the windowpane.

Susan went and sat on the kitchen table, folding her hands together in her lap and watching the Uchiha stare back at her. Her knees felt like rubber bands and her hands were trembling slightly. The longer she stared at Itachi, the more she started to hate the antagonistic look on his face. He could have been made of stone for all she knew and it dug at her for some odd reason. What was the matter with him?

Mark got up and approached her. "Susan?"

She looked up at him and said, "I suppose you heard all that."

"It's kind of hard not to with such thin walls in this dump," said Hidan.

Mark remained silent. He was shocked at what he heard to say the very least. He didn't know what to say to her. He'd never heard Susan talk about a baby and he had no idea that she might have had—or lost—one.

Susan wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. "Don't worry about it," she told her brother.

"After listening to you guys fight like that, I have to worry," said Mark. "Are you okay?" he asked.

"I'm fine," said Susan.

"You don't look fine, hmm," said Deidara, frowning at her.

Susan glared at him. "I'm _fine_," she said tightly.

"No, you're not," said Mark. He grabbed her wrist and lifted her hand. "You're shaking," he told her, letting Susan pull her hand out of his.

"I did like the part where you told your boyfriend that you were fucking all three of us," said Hidan over his magazine.

Mark hung his head and Deidara and Itachi directed deathly glares at Hidan. Susan ran her hands through her hair and gripped it tightly, trying not to accidentally tear it out.

"I did not say that," she said with dangerous calm.

"If only it were true, though," said Hidan, a smile twisting his mouth as he turned a page in the magazine.

"I wouldn't touch any of you with a ten-foot pole if you were the last bunch of ineligible _bastards_ on this planet," said Susan.

"Then at least let us touch you with our ten-foot poles," joked Hidan.

"I'll tell you what. Why don't you guys just poke each other and see how that works out for you," said Susan as she stood up and grabbed her purse and keys off the table. She headed for the door. "Come on. We're going home," she announced offhandedly, though her eyes were blurry with tears and her chest ached with confined sobs. Thunder growled through the hallway like a rolling bass drum and Susan suddenly wished that she owned an umbrella. It sounded like the sky was coming down outside.

* * *

Poor Susan... It's sad stuff, but it happens. I apologize if anyone was offended, but you were warned at the beginning.

I'd greatly appreciate reviews on this one. It was kind of hard to write and I really, really want to know how I did. Thanks for the reviews so far!

Later!


	10. Misery Loves Company

Sorry it took so long to update. Been trying to put a new chapter up each week, but I have been pretty distracted lately. So without further ado, here it is. Hope you like!

There is some odd humor and lots of colorful language in this chapter. I had some fun with it. Disclaimer: I own nothing and no one. OCs are all mine.

* * *

Chapter10

Misery Loves Company

Rain was coming down in sheets of fat, stinging drops when Susan and her companions got to her car. Everyone was soaked through from walking twenty feet in the rain. Susan stabbed the key into the ignition and started the car, but she hesitated when she noticed that she couldn't see through the windshield very well because of the rain beating relentlessly. The wipers didn't help much. The rain just kept getting heavier. Susan wanted to get home, crawl into bed, cry and lick her wounds. She decided to hell with the rain and reached for the gearshift, but someone's hand grabbed her wrist and held it still. Susan flinched and looked over at whom it belonged to. Itachi glared at her as he gently pulled her hand away from the gearshift.

Susan swallowed hard before speaking. "Let go of me."

"You're not in the right state of mind to drive," said Itachi.

"The hell I'm not," she said, trying to pull her hand out of his grip. He squeezed her wrist a little tighter.

"He's right, Suse. You're upset," said Mark.

She looked at her brother. "Thank you for stating the obvious."

"You don't look so good, hmm," observed Deidara.

"And you smell like wet dog," she shot back. "Look, I'm tired and I'm crabby and I just want to go home."

"Well, there's a fucking obvious statement if I've ever heard one. So do we," snipped Hidan.

"Alive, preferably," said Itachi.

"Sitting here isn't going to help me with that," said Susan.

"Yes, it will," said Mark. "At least wait until the rain lets up."

"You need to clear your head. You'll put us at risk of an accident if you're not focused," said Itachi.

He sounded wise, but at the same time Susan didn't want his advice. She was so angry and embarrassed over her fight with Robert that she just wanted to get the hell away from everyone and be alone with her pitiless self-loathing. Robert's revelation had been like a scolding slap to the face, leaving Susan feeling the sting of guilt. Actually, it felt more like he had reached into her chest and strangled her heart. She suddenly felt out of breath and realized that her heart was indeed pumping at what felt like an erratic ninety miles an hour and the muscles from the base of her spine up to her shoulders were so tense that someone could have broken a two by four clean in half over her back. She was on the verge of a nervous breakdown—not the greatest catastrophe to be experiencing while driving. Two years ago her father suffered a heart attack behind the wheel and ended up rolling his car into the ditch. He recovered well enough, but he was extremely paranoid about driving alone for a while after that.

Susan took a deep breath and sighed through her nose, relaxing her seized arm and letting it rest between the front seats. Everyone else seemed to relax and they sat quietly for a minute or two until Itachi let go of Susan's wrist. He reached over and pulled the key out of the ignition, keeping it in his hand as he settled back in his seat and watched Susan. She looked away from him and sighed irritably, and instead she stared at the tiny rivers of rain flowing down the windshield. The inside of the car became filled with the sound of rain beating on its exterior and thunder rumbling above. The drops sounded heavier than liquid, and Susan found herself imagining a hail of blueberries falling outside, their soft innards bursting out of velvety blue jackets on impact. The image of it in slow motion looked pretty cool in her head, if Susan didn't say so herself, but at the same time it kind of made her feel like she was going to implode with grief.

"I thought it only rained like this in Amegakure, hmm," said Deidara.

"The weather can be pretty spontaneous here," said Mark. He sat up in his seat and looked out the rear window, and an idea came to him as he watched other cars go by in the parking lot. "Hey, anybody want to play a game?"

"Anything to pass the time. I'm so bored I could kill myself," said Hidan.

"Wouldn't that be a load off our hands," Susan muttered.

Mark plopped back down in his seat. "Okay, here's what you do. Everyone pick a color and every time you see a car go by that's that color, you get to smack the person next to you on the arm," he explained. Both Hidan and Deidara perked up at this and Itachi peered around his seat with a slightly raised eyebrow.

"But you have to call what you see by the hands of a clock before you hit anybody. Like if you see something right in front of you, you call your car at twelve o'clock," Mark said.

"That's a game?" said Itachi.

"We used to play it all the time on long car rides," said Mark. He smiled at Itachi. "It's pretty fun."

"Can it be anything?" asked Deidara. "Like a…what do you call it, a motorcycle?"

"Well, we used to call it with those VW bug cars, but there aren't enough of those around to keep a short game going. So for now it just has to have four wheels and you have to call a specific kind of vehicle, like a car or a truck or a van," said Mark.

"In that case I call black cars, un." Deidara grinned. "I've seen a lot of those around here."

"I call white cars," said Mark.

"I call red cars!" said Hidan.

"What about you, Susan?" said Mark. She looked at him in the rearview mirror and sighed.

"I call blue mom vans."

"Itachi?" said Mark.

"I'm not playing," he said.

"But then Susan can't play," said Mark. "You have to be able to hit the person sitting next to you and vice versa."

Itachi looked over at Susan, then at Mark. "It doesn't make any sense," he said.

"Oh, come on! You entered a burping contest with us and won, for shit's sake. I don't know about you, but we did it to have some fun," said Hidan. He smiled and leaned forward. "Unless you're just afraid of getting bitch-slapped by a woman."

Susan looked at Itachi. Frankly, she was a little worried about getting bitch-slapped by a ninja. After all, they had that funny stuff called chakra that gave them a powerful boost. In the comic books, people were always crashing through trees and buildings and making giant holes in everything—including each other—with their incredible mad ninja strength. Susan didn't want to hit Itachi either. It just didn't seem smart to be serving knuckle sandwiches to someone who massacred his own family for no apparent reason.

"Mark, just let him be. I don't feel like playing anyway," she said, leaning back and resting her hand over her eyes. "Besides I don't think you should—"

"Red car at three o'clock!" said Hidan. He turned to Mark and socked him in the arm.

"OW!" Mark leaned away from him and grabbed his throbbing arm. "Not so hard!"

"Black car at nine o'clock!" called Deidara, reaching across Mark to punch Hidan in the eye.

"Aw, son of a…!" Hidan grabbed the side of his face. He glared at Deidara with his good eye. "What the hell, man! You're supposed to hit the kid, not me!"

"I figured you could take a punch better than the kid, hmm." Deidara smiled viciously at him.

"I can, but shit, you didn't have to punch the face!" said Hidan. He leaned over Mark and drew his arm back. "Maybe I better give you one to match!"

"White car at two o'clock!" Mark shouted. He reached out both of his arms and socked Hidan and Deidara as hard as he could in the gut, causing the two ninjas to gasp and double over. Both Susan and Itachi turned around in their seats.

"What's that I heard about someone being able to take a punch?" said Susan.

Neither of them responded. They were too busy trying to catch their breath while Mark looked on sheepishly. He wasn't expecting them to crumple over like that. In the comics, both Hidan and Deidara withstood instances of dismemberment, so why not a punch to the stomach from a twelve-year-old?

"Kid…I'm gonna beat the crap out of you…" gasped Hidan.

"Looks like my brother already kicked your ass," said Susan, smiling smugly at him over her shoulder. Hidan glared at her and wiped his lower lip.

"Don't think I'm afraid to hit a woman because _you're next_," he threatened.

"Enough," said Itachi, casting a glare at the backseat crowd. "The game is over."

Everyone sobered up as Itachi's eyes lingered on each of their faces, driving home the point that he was not going to tolerate any more of their stupidity. Deidara crossed his arms and scowled at him. Mark thought he could hear the blond ninja's teeth grinding.

A close flash of lightning made Susan flinch as the wind suddenly picked up, crashing a wall of horizontal rain into the side of the car. Thunder rolled deafeningly above and Susan leaned over the steering wheel to look outside. The sky had become a greenish gray muddled with dark, low-hanging clouds. Susan could see the tops of trees bending in the wind as if a giant foot were stepping on them. It occurred to Susan that she hadn't bothered to listen to the weather report.

"It's getting pretty crazy outside. We shouldn't be sitting here if it starts to turn nasty," said Mark, leaning forward between Itachi and Susan.

"It's starting to get nasty right now," said Susan. She turned to Itachi and held out her hand. "Can I have my keys back?" He dropped them into her palm and Susan started the car. She turned on the radio and tuned it to an AM station for the local weather.

"**A severe thunderstorm warning has been issued for the following counties…**" The announcer started listing off names.

"Are any of those us?" asked Deidara.

"Yeah. We're in McEllen County. It's just starting to move in," said Susan. She put her car into reverse and backed out of the parking space.

"**A tornado watch has been issued for the following counties…**"

Mark quickly reached up front to turn the volume up.

"**Conditions include pea and golf ball sized hail, and wind reaching up to sixty miles per hour. Those who are in the path of these storms should immediately seek cover in basements and other sheltered areas.**"

"Sounds like it's close to our house," said Mark.

"Great," muttered Susan as she drove out of the parking lot. Even though the windshield wipers were working overtime, she was still having trouble seeing through the rain.

"Give me your cell phone. I want to call the house and see what everyone's doing," said Mark.

Susan shook her head. "You shouldn't have left them home alone."

"Phone?" Mark held out his hand.

Susan tossed her purse into the backseat. "It's in there. Didn't I tell you to tell them not to answer the phone?"

"Um, actually, I gave Sasori permission to use the phone. In case of emergencies," said Mark. "He memorized your cell phone number anyway, so he'll know who's calling on the cordless phone."

"That's great," mumbled Susan.

"He seems like he would have the best phone etiquette anyway," said Mark as he dialed his parents' home phone number and waited for it to start ringing.

"Oh I'm sure." Susan sneered at the road. The traffic had gotten heavier with people in a rush to get home. Everyone always went nuts when they heard news that a storm was coming. They dropped everything and left work to get home to their frightened children or to let the dog inside. Susan thought about the storm shelter/storage space in the laundry room at her parents' house. It was full of junk and wouldn't fit more than six people unless someone moved all the tote boxes out of storage. It occurred to her that the homebound ninjas probably wouldn't know where to go in the event of a weather emergency. She hoped they would have sense enough to stay in the basement if things got bad.

She didn't hear Mark talking on the phone yet. Bad sign.

"Is it going through?" she asked her brother.

"No one's answering," said Mark as he hung up and tried the number again.

"Just great." Susan stopped at a red light. A strong gust of wind blew a torrent of rain against the car and she gritted her teeth, thinking of all the worst possible scenarios of what was happening—or not happening—at the house.

A few moments later, Mark flipped the mobile phone closed. "Still no answer."

"Keep trying," said Susan. "Someone has to be there."

Mark kept trying to get through, but no one picked up by the time they got to the house. Susan's little car managed to beat the storm by a hair, making it out of the heavy rain but not the wind that came before it. The sky was starting to darken and thunder boomed as she got out of the car and dashed up to the house.

"Hello!" She threw the front door open and hurried through the living room and straight down to the basement, turning on lights as she went. She found everyone—Kakuzu, Kisame, Zetsu, Pain, Konan, Tobi and Sasori— gathered in front of the big screen TV. As Susan came closer, she could see that they were watching the local news. The weatherman was pointing out blotches of color moving on a recorded loop over the weather map.

"Didn't anybody hear the phone ringing?" she asked. Everyone turned around to look at her.

"No," snapped Kakuzu.

"We've been too busy watching this," said Kisame.

Tobi pointed to the TV. "Tobi doesn't understand what this is."

Susan looked at the TV. "What, the weather map?"

"That guy called it a dopple ray-dar," said Kisame.

"That's Doppler Radar," Susan corrected. "Speaking of which, have any of you looked outside?"

Kakuzu glared at her like she was an idiot. "Why the hell do you think we're down here?"

"Tobi hates thunder." Tobi wrapped his arms around himself and shuddered.

"We could smell the rain coming from a mile off," said Konan. Susan just stared at her. Was she kidding?

Mark and the others came downstairs. "What's going on?" he asked.

Kisame pointed at the television screen. "That doesn't look good, does it?"

Mark, Deidara, Hidan and Itachi stood behind the couch with Susan as they continued to watch the brightly colored outline of storm systems crawling in a southeastern direction along the weather map.

"Looks like we're going to get hit pretty hard," said Susan. She looked at her brother. "Did you put the tarp on the pool?"

Mark looked at her and shrugged, shaking his head. Susan sighed and turned to head up the stairs. "Come and help me get the pool covered."

They went outside in the rain and pulled the pool tarp out from under the deck. Susan took one side and Mark took another, and they carried it onto the deck and unfolded it before spreading it over the top of the pool to keep the rainwater out. Lightning flashed and thunder cracked above them. Susan shooed Mark back into the house just as a strong gust of wind kicked up and all but blew her through the open patio door. Susan closed and locked it, and they sat there together, soaking wet, in front of the window.

Mark looked at her. "Remember when we used to watch the weather like this when we were little?"

Susan nodded, wringing the moisture out of her skirt. Storm watching had been sort of a hobby for her and her brothers when they were younger. Their father had gotten them interested in it. Before Mark came along, Susan and Tim and their dad used to sit together on foldout lawn chairs in the shelter of the garage, watching the rain and lightning while Dad slowly sipped on a can of beer, listening to the portable radio.

"What are you going to do about Robert?" asked Mark.

"I don't know," said Susan. There was a long pause filled with the sound of rain and howling wind.

"It wasn't right," said Mark. Susan looked at him. "What he did wasn't right. He had no right to cheat on you because of..."

"I know." Susan felt the waterworks starting up again. Damn, did she hate for people to see her cry. Crying crumpled her face and ruined her makeup, turning her into a runny, gooey, blubbering mess, and the worst thing about it was that when she started crying, she couldn't stop until her body said so.

"How come you didn't tell us about all this?" said Mark.

"I really wanted to tell someone about it." She looked down at her hands. "But I was afraid that people would find out about…you know."

"The baby."

"It was my fault. I should have been smarter," she said.

"You didn't do anything wrong," said Mark.

"Yes, I did," she said, her voice thickening into a sob. She covered her mouth with her hand to stifle a quivering breath.

Mark scooted closer to her and laid his hand on her shoulder. She looked at him and tears rolled down her cheeks. "I didn't tell anyone about it because there was no guarantee that I would keep the baby. I was afraid of what people would think of me," she said. "Does that make me a horrible person?"

"I think it makes you normal," said Mark.

"Getting rid of it was not my first choice, and it wasn't my final choice either," she said. "I wanted to wait and see how I felt about it, as selfish as that sounds."

"It makes sense," said Mark.

"I don't think I'll stay with Robert. I think we're done," said Susan. "What do you think of that?"

"If you are, then you are. I liked Rob, but it's bullshit what he did to you. It wasn't fair," said Mark. "I don't have any experience with this kind of stuff yet, but I think you should just ditch him and start over."

_Start over._

It was so simple yet hard to accept. Her three years with Robert were going down the tubes with one engagement shot to hell. It wasn't like her track record with men was anything to brag about. Every boyfriend Susan had prior to Robert either cheated on her or just grew bored with her (usually both), or so she had deduced from hearing their shitty breakup speeches about wanting to expand their horizons, experiment with others and whatnot. She had been pretty dumb as a teenager when it came to relationships. Maybe she hadn't changed as much as she thought she had since high school.

Small bits of ice clattered against the house, bouncing off the wooden deck and the concrete outside the patio door. Little white beads of hail cluttered the ground, rolling around in the wind like raw peas on a balancing plate.

Susan looked at her little brother. She hadn't noticed how tall he had gotten in the last few months. He was still a skinny little kid to her, but he was changing every day, getting smarter and wiser than she had been at his age. She didn't know why, but she suddenly felt like she hadn't seen him in years. She put her hand on the back of Mark's neck and pulled him closer to wrap her arm around his shoulders. "How'd you get so smart?" she asked him.

"I learned from you and Tim," he said.

Susan smiled. "What about Mom and Dad?"

"I listen to them, too," he said. "But I can only handle hearing 'Clean your room' so many times."

"You should get on that. Your room is looking like a hurricane went through there."

"That's because Tobi keeps messing it up whenever he's in there," said Mark. "I swear it wasn't that bad before."

Outside, a small, dead branch broke off of a tree. It flew through the air and slapped against the patio door. Susan could hear the wind pressing against the house and the sound of hail and rain scraping the siding.

Mark looked up at the ceiling. "That doesn't sound good."

Hidan came up to the top of the stairs. "Leader wants you to get your asses down here," he said. They followed him downstairs where everyone had gathered closer to the TV. Mark climbed over the back of the couch and squeezed into the space between Kisame and Zetsu.

"What are we looking at here?" Kisame asked.

Mark squinted at the screen. "Well, the colors on the map indicate that there's lots of wind and hail in those storm systems, which we're getting right now."

"Where are we located?" said Zetsu.

Mark got up and pointed at an outlined county on the weather map. "Right here. This is where we live."

Susan sat on the arm of the couch next to where Pain and Konan stood, covered in their Akatsuki cloaks with their hands hidden in their long sleeves. "Truly formidable weather we're having," she said casually, hoping the Akatsuki leader was in a good mood.

"Is this house made to withstand the weather?" asked Pain.

"Yeah. There's a shelter in the laundry room just in case, but I don't think we'll need it," said Susan. "The only thing we should worry about is the storm knocking the power out."

As soon as she said that, the lights went out and the TV stopped working, leaving the group in total darkness. Susan could barely see past her nose. "Damn," she muttered. "Alright, nobody move until I go find some flashlights." People started moving around anyway and Susan was knocked off of the arm of the couch by jab from someone's sharp elbow.

"Ow! Watch where you're swinging that thing!" she said.

"Kisame, get the fuck off my foot," said Kakuzu.

"I'm not on your foot."

"**No, you're on OUR foot**," said Zetsu.

"Is this you, Itachi?" said Kisame.

"I'm over here," said a voice from across the room.

"Then whose leg is this?" said Kisame.

"That's my arm, you genius," said Hidan.

Susan felt someone bump into her from behind followed by someone's fingers squeezing her right butt cheek. "Alright, who's grabbing my ass?" she barked.

"It's so soft," Tobi sang dreamily.

"Tobi!" Susan reached behind her to swat the hand grasping her butt cheek.

"Oh! Sorry, Susan-san!" cried Tobi. However, he gave her rear a good squeeze before letting go.

"Yuck! Somebody licked me," said Mark.

"That was me, hmm," said Deidara.

"Wait, if you're over there, then who the fuck just licked _me_?" said Hidan.

"That was also me, un."

"Aw _man!_" groaned Hidan. "It's all over my arm!"

"I can't help it, hmm!"

"Put those things back in your hands!" said Hidan.

"I can't, they're like feelers, hmm."

"They're slobbering the place up. Put 'em away," said Hidan.

Susan felt something warm and slimy brush against the back of her right knee. "Okay, what was _that?_" she said as she bumped into somebody and clung to their arm, or at least she though it was their arm.

"What was what?" said the shark ninja connected to the arm she was clinging to.

"I felt something wet behind my knee," said Susan, letting go of Kisame and turning around, putting her hands out to feel around. Her fingers tangled in someone's long hair.

"That was me, too, hmm," said Deidara, slapping Susan's hands away from his hair. "You all taste funny."

"Everyone _stop_ _moving_," boomed Pain.

All movement stopped except for the sound of someone falling on something and knocking it over, producing a loud thump and a crash that sounded a little like glass breaking.

Susan stopped and turned around. "Who just fell?"

"It's okay, the lamp broke my fall," said Mark. He felt a stinging sensation in his arm and touched it, feeling something warm and sticky—an open wound. He was bleeding. "Oh crap, I think I cut myself," he said, his voice sounding strangely weak. The wound stung when he touched it and his stomach churned a little as he tried to sit up. "Susan…"

"Somebody please help my brother," said Susan. Mark couldn't stand the sight of blood nor could he tolerate being anywhere near a bleeding wound. It was just one of those things that made him squeamish, like a phobia of spiders or an intense hatred of mayonnaise. If he passed out in the dark, someone would step on him for sure.

"Where are you, squirt?" said Deidara, crawling between Susan's legs and making her lose her balance.

"I've got him," said Kisame.

"That's me you're fondling, you fuckwit," growled Kakuzu.

"Call me that again and I'll break your hip, you old geezer," said Kisame.

"When these lights come back on, I'm going to tear your heart out and show it to you," said Kakuzu.

"Not before I rip off your head and use it as a can opener," snarled Kisame.

"Try me, you fucking sushi roll! I'll turn your kidneys into earrings and eat the rest!" said Kakuzu.

"Will you stop with the graphic threats already!" said Susan.

"Tobi's got you, Mark-san." Tobi grabbed Mark around the middle and hauled him onto his feet, but the boy could barely stand because his knees felt like they were filled with jelly.

"Susan-san, please go and find the flashlights," said Konan.

"I would if I could see where I'm going." Susan looked around as her eyes started to adjust a little in the dark, or not. She took a couple of steps forward and bumped into something hard and angular, her foot catching on what felt like someone's leg. Susan pitched forward and landed on the hard, angular object, which emitted a grunt as it—or they—suddenly grabbed her by the arms to keep her upright. She reached out and groped around, feeling hair and the essential features of a human face—nose, ears and a wet orifice that could have been a mouth.

"Who's this?" she asked, feeling her way down to their shoulders with her hands. She could feel warm puffs of breath on the side of her face.

"It's me, Susan-san," a soft male voice said close beside her ear.

Her hands retreated from Sasori's shoulders and she tucked them close to herself. "Oh. Sorry."

"The stairs are directly behind you," he said, putting his hands on her shoulders and turning her around so she could see a dim spot of daylight illuminating the staircase. She started walking toward it with Sasori directing her from behind.

"Everyone stay put. We'll be back," she called over her shoulder as they headed up the stairs. It was still light out, but it was incredibly dim because of the fowl weather. Susan went to the kitchen and opened the cabinet doors under the sink. "There should be some flashlights under here," she said, knocking bottles of cleaning supplies aside as she fished around inside.

"Do you have any candles?" asked Sasori.

"There should be some in the hall closet upstairs," said Susan.

Sasori left to go find the candles. Susan pulled a flashlight out of the cupboard and turned it on. There were more flashlights somewhere around the house—probably in the garage. All they needed were some matches or a lighter for the candles and extra batteries for the flashlights and they would be set, but only for who knows how long. Susan got up and went to the garage where she found two more flashlights and a box of matches. She brought them into the kitchen. Sasori hadn't come back with the candles yet. There was still enough daylight to see by, so Susan turned her flashlight off to conserve the batteries and slowly went upstairs.

"Did you find those candles?" she called at the top of the stairs.

"Here." Sasori handed her a bundle of candlesticks that her mother kept stocked in case someone felt like eating dinner by candlelight, which was almost never unless one counted the holidays. Merry Christmas, now let's get crazy and eat turkey in semidarkness! That was the closest to extreme her parents got these days.

Despite the blundering around that took place downstairs, the ninjas quickly adapted to the darkness. They were able to move around liquidly while Susan and Mark still needed flashlights to see where they were going. Susan sat her brother down and examined the cuts on his arm while Sasori held a flashlight up for her to see. There were bits of glass lodged in the cuts and Susan needed tweezers to pull them out before she could clean them up. Meanwhile, Mark tried not to look at the blood as he read his algebra book by flashlight. He could deal with blood and gore in the movies because he knew it wasn't real, but the idea of _actually seeing_ someone's insides on the outside freaked him out.

"So you're scared of a little blood," said Kisame as he leaned over them and watched Susan tweeze slivers of glass out of Mark's arm.

"I'm not scared of it," Mark said defensively.

"It freaks you out, hmm," said Deidara, sitting down in the chair next to Mark.

Mark sighed and turned a page in his book. "I just don't like the sight of blood."

"Aw come on, that's nothing," said Kisame. "I once fought a guy who put a katana right through my hand. I paid him back with a broken jaw and a busted sternum. He didn't live too long after that, if I recall."

Susan shut her eyes and swallowed hard. "You guys sound awfully casual when you talk about violence. Do you ever get tired of fighting and killing?" she asked calmly as she dabbed at a cut on Mark's arm with a cotton ball soaked with rubbing alcohol. Mark flinched and hissed through his teeth.

"It's quite a rush, actually," said Kisame.

"Speak for yourself, hmm," said Deidara. "You're the only one here who uses a giant cheese grater of a sword to shave your enemies into oblivion. How inartistic is that?"

"Like blowing people up is any better," said Kisame. "Your method is overkill with a capital O."

"I've seen you fight with that sword of yours. You're like a bull in a china closet with that thing, hmm," said Deidara. "Like that one time you got an order to knock off a con man disguised as a Buddhist monk and what did you do? You knocked down the whole damn monastery waving that sword around. You're a philistine."

"Takes one to know one," said Sasori, resting his chin in his palm.

"You think your explosive pottery is art?" Kisame scoffed. "Give me a break, noodle head. I heard you took out an entire city block trying to take down one man."

"Actually, it was three city blocks," Sasori interjected. "And a total waste of resources if you ask me."

Susan looked over her shoulder at him before continuing her work on Mark's arm.

"It's not pottery, hmm," griped Deidara. "And don't call me a noodle head, you blue b—"

"Crap is what it is," Kisame cut him off, referring to Deidara's "pottery".

Deidara stood up from his seat and snarled at Kisame, "You wanna make something of this?"

Sasori shined his light in Deidara's face and Susan stood up and put her arms out. "Okay, that's enough! This isn't the time or the place to start a fight," she said and looked at Deidara. "Something tells me you're not grumpy just because he said your art was crap."

Deidara looked at her and folded his arms over his chest. "Tch."

Kisame's and Deidara's stomachs started to growl at stereo volume and both ninjas hung their heads in starved despair. Susan raised an eyebrow and put her arms down. "Well, we've solved _that_ mystery," she said. She almost felt sorry that she couldn't cook dinner for them. Almost.

"Looks like we're not going to have spaghetti tonight," said Mark, relaxing a little as Deidara and Kisame plopped down in chairs on either side of him, but he jumped in fright when they banged their heads on the table and didn't move thereafter. After a moment or two, Susan poked Kisame in the shoulder.

"Are you dead?" she asked him.

"I will be if I don't get any sustenance in me soon." His voice was muffled against the table.

Susan stroked her chin thoughtfully. "Well, all I can offer you is…"

"Marshmallows," said Mark.

Kisame and Deidara raised their heads. "Marshmallows?"

Tobi popped out of nowhere and leaned over Susan's shoulder. "Did someone say marshmallows?"

Susan leaned away from him in surprise. "Uh, yeah."

Zetsu and Hidan crept from out of the shadows, both looking hopeful—hopeful meaning frighteningly delirious with hunger.

"Are you talking about food?" said Hidan. "Because I'm fucking starving."

"**So are we**," said Zetsu. His eyes glowed like bicycle reflectors and Susan didn't like the way he was leering at her.

"What are marshmallows?" asked Deidara.

"They're like candy," said Mark. He looked at Susan. "I found some bags leftover from camping last month."

"That's not a meal," said Susan.

"It is if you eat it with graham crackers and chocolate," said Mark.

"We don't have chocolate because someone ate it all," said Susan. She looked over at Itachi, who was interrupted from his moping in a dark corner to glare at her like a grouchy old cat that had just heard the words "bath time."

"Who knows how long the power will be out," said Susan. "We'll have to eat some stuff out of the fridge so it doesn't go bad."

Mark stood up and checked the bandages on his arm. "We can toast marshmallows, too."

And so a mediocre feast was made from whatever was spoilable in the refrigerator. They made sandwiches out of all the bread, deli meat, cheese, pickles and whatever else they deemed sandwich material, and Susan cut up strawberries and apples for herself and anyone who wanted any. Mark broke out the marshmallows and skewers and they toasted them over candle flame in the kitchen. Pain and Konan disappeared after they had eaten and Kakuzu wandered off without a word, probably just to get away from everyone. He was not a people person.

Susan quietly picked at her food as she listened to everyone talk, but then she noticed Sasori staring at her from across the dining room table "Do you ever get hungry?" she asked him. As stupid as it seemed to be asking that question, she really was curious as to whether or not he still craved food despite not having a stomach.

He seemed to snap out of his reverie and regarded her carefully for a moment or two before answering. "I don't need to eat," he said.

Susan shook her head. "No, I mean do you ever _crave_ food? Do you miss the taste of it?"

"I can still taste things," he said. "I just can't ingest them."

"So do you get cravings now and then?" asked Susan.

Sasori looked thoughtfully at her. The candlelight illuminated the soft curves of his nose, his cheeks and his lips, making him look younger, almost childlike. Susan decided that in normal light he didn't look any younger than eighteen and no older than twenty-five.

"I do miss the taste of certain things," he said.

Now they were getting somewhere. Susan was still a bit confused about how he managed to exist in his current state. Suddenly she realized something. "You have saliva, right?"

He blinked and raised an eyebrow. "Yes."

This was going to be very awkward. And stupid. Susan felt heat rise in her face as she tried to figure out how to ask her next question. "So then…you needed saliva to, you know, break down food and whatnot. You don't need to eat anymore, so what exactly does having salivary glands do for you now?"

Sasori's eyes widened a little and he looked over at Deidara, Hidan, Kisame, and Tobi, who were all gathered around the kitchen counter, staring at him. They had quieted down and were waiting for him to answer Susan's question. Itachi and Zetsu were also watching them from their stationary spots by the window. Mark looked from the silent ninjas to Sasori and Susan before opening his mouth to speak but Deidara reached over and put his hand under Mark's chin, closing the boy's mouth before he could get a word out. "Be quiet, kid. I really want to hear this, un," he said.

Sasori frowned at his partner before looking at Susan. "It's a natural bodily function," he said. "My body still regulates itself despite my being…well, you know." He looked slightly nervous all of the sudden.

Susan squinted an eye at him. "Uh-huh."

"I've always wondered how his plumbing worked, hmm," said Deidara.

Mark, Hidan and Kisame looked at him. "What the fuck does that mean?" said Hidan.

Deidara shrugged. "Is it so wrong to be curious? I wonder what else still works in there, hmm."

"I could have gone all my life without hearing those words out of your mouth," said Kisame.

Mark raised his hand. "I'm curious too," he offered, looking innocently at Deidara.

Sasori closed his eyes and pretended to ignore them. Susan pushed her paper plate away and got up from the table. "Well, it's getting kind of late. I think I'll go to bed."

Mark leaned towards the candle on the counter and checked his watch. "It's only nine o'clock."

Susan dumped her plate in the garbage. "I'm tired," she said and headed up the stairs. Mark watched her go before turning back around. He stared thoughtfully at the candle flame for a few moments.

"She's not happy, hmm."

Mark looked up at Deidara. "Yeah..."

"What's up with her now?" asked Kisame through a mouthful of marshmallow.

"Nothing," said Mark, holding a skewered marshmallow over the candle flame and watching it turn black.

"She had a meltdown with her fuckstick boyfriend," said Hidan, jamming a marshmallow onto his skewer.

Kisame leaned on the counter, practically hovering over Mark as he grinned. "You don't say."

"I knew the guy was a prick the moment I laid eyes on him," said Hidan.

Mark looked at him. "Really?"

"He looked kind of like one of those sleazy types," said Deidara, lifting his flaming marshmallow away from the candle. "His haircut said it all, hmm."

"You mean the way yours says you're a starving artist?" said Kisame, grinning toothily.

"Fuck you, snaggletooth," said Deidara, flinging a marshmallow at the shark man.

Kisame caught it and stuffed it into his mouth. "So what? She'll get over it."

"Not necessarily," said Mark.

"So is she going to call the engagement off or what?" asked Deidara, removing his charred marshmallow from the skewer with the tongue in his hand.

Kisame, Hidan and Tobi snapped their heads around to look at Mark. "What engagement?" they barked in unison.

Mark's eye twitched a little as he felt the weight of their stares upon him. "Uh…"

"She was all set to marry the guy, un," said Deidara. "Judging from the size of the rock he gave her, he's not a bum, hmm."

Mark just nodded. They were starting to sound like a bunch of gossiping housewives.

"So what's the problem?" asked Kisame.

"He's—"

"It's complicated," Mark cut Deidara off, giving him a look. The blond ninja frowned at him and shoved the charred marshmallow into his mouth before stabbing another one with his skewer.

"I'll tell you what's complicated," said Kisame. "Women."

"How would you know?" said Deidara. "You can't even talk to a woman without sending her running away screaming, hmm."

Kisame glared at him. "That's what I mean."

"Are you referring to the idea that women are not attracted to you because of your...blueness?" said Mark.

"Well, it sure as hell isn't my hair that turns them off," said Kisame. He plopped down on the stool next to Mark.

"No offense but you are kind of scary," said Mark. It was true. Kisame did not radiate cuddly teddy bear vibes. None of them did, as a matter of fact.

"I'm not going for cute and cuddly here, kid," said Kisame. "I know I'm scary and that's the way I like it."

"So what the fuck are you complaining about?" said Hidan.

"Women don't find me appealing," said Kisame. He looked at Deidara and Hidan. "They go for morons like you who have nothing else going for them but their looks."

Deidara and Hidan looked fiercely at him as they leaned over the counter with their skewers poised to stab. "Say what, fish fucker?" growled Hidan.

"Stop looking at me like that or else I'm going to take those pokers away from you and shove them up your puckered shitholes," warned Kisame, flashing his feral teeth at them.

Tobi inched away from them and stood behind Mark, holding his skewered marshmallow up in the air. The two trigger-happy ninjas seemed to think better of it and lowered their skewers. Mark cleared his throat loudly to get everyone's attention.

"There are a lot of women out there who would go for a big blue guy like you," he told Kisame. It was true. There were probably millions of Naruto fangirls out there who loved the shark man. Kisame had no idea how many girls (and boys) would affectionately jump on him all at once if the whole world were ever to discover that he was real.

"You're kidding, right?" said Deidara.

Mark shook his head. "Nope."

Kisame looked somewhere between relieved and disappointed. "Fetishists, huh?"

Mark raised his eyebrows. "What?"

"Some women are into the exotic," said Kisame. "I get it."

Mark was confused. "Um…"

"What about your sister?" said Hisan. "Is she into 'exotic' crap?"

"Not that I know of," Mark said slowly. "She once dated this guy who liked to wear tight leather pants and had a lot of piercings." He paused and thought for a moment. "I think he wore eyeliner, too."

"That just sounds like a bad fashion sense," said Deidara.

Mark scratched his head. "Well, he was in a band, so…"

"So is she going to leave that loser?" asked Deidara.

Mark didn't answer right away. It was getting a little weird with them asking all these questions about his sister. "I don't know," he said. "She doesn't know."

"Maybe someone should help her come to a decision, hmm," said Deidara.

"Since when do you meddle in other people's affairs?" said Sasori as he approached them.

"Since now," said Deidara. "Besides there's nothing else to do around here, un."

"She doesn't want to talk about it," said Mark. "I think you should just leave her alone."

"Agreed," said Sasori. He looked coolly at Deidara. "Right, _kohai?_"

Deidara seemed to deflate under his stare. He folded his arms over his chest and looked away. "Whatever, hmm."

Meanwhile, Susan was in her room unloading frustrated sobs into her pillow. They were the uncontrollable waterworks that left her gooey with runny mascara, puffy, stinging eyes and the salty slime of dehydration mucking up her throat. She had been waiting to do this all day and it felt good. So good in fact that she was actually smiling as she sobbed into her soggy pillowcase until her stomach muscles started to cramp up. When the tears had run out, she drifted off to sleep and woke up a few hours laster, still in the clothes she had worn to work. It had gotten slightly muggy inside the house and Susan took off her dress shirt, leaving on the thin-strapped tank top she wore underneath before leaving her room to get a long drink of water from the tap in the bathroom.

It had stopped raining outside and the house was enveloped in total ear-splitting silence. Susan paused and listened for footsteps in the hallway before leaving the bathroom. Still groggy, she padded quietly down the hall, her bare feet whispering on the floorboards. She paused at Mark's bedroom door. It was closed and Susan touched the doorknob, but her hand slid off of it as she looked toward Tim's bedroom. The soft hum of voices came from behind the closed door and Susan crept closer. She leaned against the wall and listened for a while, but she couldn't make out what Kisame and Itachi were saying because they were speaking Japanese. She wished she knew what the hell they were talking about. They could have been plotting to murder her for all she knew.

Whatever. Food sounded more important than murder at the bleary hour of 1:00 AM. She hadn't eaten much and decided that she could do with a snack before she went back to bed. Something sweet and consoling sounded nice. Chocolate would have done the trick, but there was none left in the house no thanks to Itachi and his evil sweet tooth.

Susan picked up the flashlight from the counter and started looking through the refrigerator. The power was still out so she had to be quick about it lest she wanted to waste whatever cool air was left in the refrigerator. There was nothing remotely sweet to eat in there, so she settled for a can of Coke from the vegetable crisper. As she was digging around, she came across a surprise buried under some shriveled old celery sticks. Susan pulled one of two unopened bottles of wine out of the vegetable crisper and looked at the label.

"Hmm. White zinfandel," she read aloud, shining the beam of the flashlight through the rosy liquid inside the bottle. She wasn't much of a drinker, but right then the wine looked a heck of a lot better than fizzy pop. Her parents probably wouldn't be very happy with her for drinking their booze, but she could always buy them another bottle to make up for it. Just one little glass wouldn't hurt. That is, if she didn't decide to drown her misery over Robert with the entire bottle.

"Whatcha got there?"

Susan gasped and nearly dropped the bottle. She hugged it to her chest and turned around, shining her flashlight in the faces of Deidara and Hidan. "Could you guys maybe make a little noise when you enter a room?" she asked them snappishly.

"Maybe you need to clean out your ears," said Hidan.

"What are you doing up?" she asked them.

"Nothing, hmm," said Deidara. He looked at the bottle in her arms. "What's that?"

Susan hid the bottle behind her back. "Nothing."

"Doesn't look like nothing," said Hidan.

"What's in the bottle, un?" asked Deidara.

Susan glared at him. "Nothing for you."

"Would that be an alcoholic beverage, hmm?"

"No," she lied.

A cocky smile came to Deidara's face. "Liar."

"You're not holding out on us, are you?" said Hidan.

Dammit! These two were becoming a real pain in the ass. Well, at least Tobi wasn't awake or else she would be in deeper trouble.

"Found it!" whispered said masked annoyance as he trotted down the stairs without causing so much as a squeak on the steps. He was holding what looked like board game in his hands as he bounced up beside Deidara. "Tobi found a game for us to play!"

Susan sighed and looked at the board game Tobi had brought to them. "A Ouija board?"

"What the fuck's a Ouija board?" said Hidan.

Susan stepped forward and touched the scratched old box. "I haven't seen this thing in like a hundred years. Where did you find it?"

"Tobi found it in Mark-san's closet," said Tobi. "Tobi took it while Mark-san was asleep."

Susan looked at all of them with a raised eyebrow. "You guys are going to play with the Ouija board?"

"Will Susan-san teach us how to play?" asked Tobi.

"Uh…" Her hand tightened on the bottle behind her back.

"You know we won't leave you alone until you say yes, hmm." Deidara grinned at her.

"And share whatever's in that bottle with us," said Hidan. "My religion calls for a drop of proof and I'm fucking thirsty."

Susan sighed and put the bottle down on the counter. Misery loved company, but this was getting ridiculous. Apparently the fates decided that her misery should attract thirsty, annoying ninjas with a hankering to play board games when she was desperate for some alone time. One glass of wine could turn into many for her is she were on her own, so why not let the fates have their way and save herself a hangover by spreading the joy. She opened the drawer and pulled out a bottle opener.

"Meet me outside and I'll show you how to play," she said.

Something told her she would regret this in the morning.

* * *

I started writing this chapter one evening when a nasty storm came rumbling through and knocked the power out. I got a few ideas from this experience and worked them into the story.

Note: The Japanese word "kohai" is used when addressing someone who is one's junior. Sasori has seniority over Deidara, so it seemed to fit.

The next chapter will be interesting to say the least. I guarantee ;)

Later!


	11. Of Wine Snifters and Ouija Boards

I think I was a little silly when I wrote most of this. There's lots of bad language and sexual references but sorry, no lemons. That doesn't mean that there isn't the possibility of something happening in the future. I just can't tell you what's next because it's no fun otherwise.

You can't spell idiotic perversion without alcohol. Cheers!

* * *

Chapter 11

Of Wine Snifters and Ouija Boards

Susan opened the bottle as quietly as she could. Her three drinking buddies had gone outside with the Ouija board, leaving the patio door wide open for the bugs to fly in with the night air. Not wanting to use her parents' good wine glasses, she took out four coffee cups and brought them and the bottle outside. She would probably get a cosmic spanking for giving them alcohol but as she slid the cork out of the bottle, she figured that their company was probably better than no company at all. Nothing good could come from drinking alone.

It had cooled off outside and a dampness lingered in the air. The grass squeaked like wet foam under her bare feet as she shuffled her way to the steps leading up to the deck. She paused when she heard a slight rustling coming from the row of lilac bushes along the side of the house. She shined her light in the direction of the noise and found nothing there. A light tap on her shoulder made her turn around and shine the light on Deidara as he swept a curtain of blond hair out of his face.

"What's that on your face?" she asked, shining the light directly on the piece of metal covering his left eye.

He flinched away from the light and covered his metal eye piece. "It's a night vision scope, hmm. I think I'm completely blind in this eye now, thanks."

Susan quickly lowered her flashlight. "Sorry."

Hidan leaned over the edge of the deck. "Are you coming up here or not?"

"Hold your horses, spanky," said Susan. She and Deidara climbed the stairs and joined Hidan and Tobi, who had lit just enough candles to see what they were doing. "Lord help us if you burn down the deck," Susan told them. "I shouldn't even be giving you guys alcohol."

"Don't worry about it, un," said Deidara.

Suan looked at him. "You're not even old enough to drink."

He frowned at her. "Says who?"

"Says state law," said Susan. "The legal drinking age is twenty one here."

Deidara took the vision scope off his eye and pushed his hair back so that she could see his face. "I don't look twenty one to you?"

"Your partner told me how old you are," said Susan. "I'm older than you."

"By a year, hmm," he said.

"More than that," said Susan. "I bet you're not even as old as he thinks you are."

"Blondie's the youngest member of Akatsuki," said Hidan.

Deidara shot him a warning look. "Shut up!"

"It's true," said Hidan. "You're the only whelp in this fucking company."

"It's not like I've never drank before, hmm," said Deidara.

"Yeah, well, regardless of your age I don't think your leader would be very happy with me if he knew I was giving you alcohol," said Susan, clinking the cups against the wine bottle.

"He never said you couldn't give us alcohol," said Deidara. "As long as we have _your _permission, we can do whatever we want, hmm."

Susan sat down on the deck chair and put the bottle and cups down. "I hope you're right because it's my ass on the line here," she said.

"Susan-san will be fine," said Tobi. "Tobi won't let anything bad happen."

She wasn't comforted by his reassurance. There was a reason why Pain was their leader. You didn't get to be the leader of a band of ruthless criminals by being lenient. Pain gave her say over what everyone did because they were guests in her family's house, but a line had to be drawn somewhere. She couldn't be overly permissive with them but what else could she do. They seemed to want her companionship even though she constantly insulted them. After listening to them hurl insults at each other, she figured it was like their manly way of saying, "You're cool but I'll kill you and eat your heart if you fuckin' try to hug me."

_Psht._ _Men._

"So what's in the bottle?" asked Hidan.

Susan finished pouring the four cups and handed him one. "Wine."

"Sake?"

"No," she said and took a sip from her cup. "This is made from grapes, not rice."

Deidara sniffed the contents of his cup before tentatively sipping from it. He smacked his lips together and squinted. "It's really sweet, hmm."

Tobi had dropped a straw into his cup so that he could sip without removing his mask. "It's good!"

Susan turned to Tobi. "How come you always wear that mask?"

Tobi stopped sucking on his straw and turned to her. "Anonymity," he said brightly.

"So people won't know your face," said Susan.

"Exactly. Hiding keeps Tobi alive."

Susan looked at Hidan and Deidara. "Why don't the rest of you wear masks?"

"I don't need a fucking mask," said Hidan. "I don't leave witnesses when I'm on the job."

"We don't have very high profiles outside of our native countries," said Deidara. "If you're an S-Class criminal, your name and face automatically get put in the home team's bingo book."

"What's a bingo book?" asked Susan.

"It's a shitlist the government puts you on for doing very naughty things," said Hidan. A sinister smile stretched his lips.

"Gee, I can't imagine what kind of trouble little old you could have gotten into," Susan said dryly. Probably just for opening that fat mouth of his, she thought.

"All I did was pay tribute to my God," said Hidan.

"_Human sacrifice!_" Deidara coughed. Hidan glared at the blond. Deidara looked at him and shrugged as if to say, What?

Susan took a long swig from her cup. "That's nice," she sighed.

They were quiet for a minute or two until Tobi sat up. "Anybody want to hear a joke?"

One joke led to another and then another until they were rolling with laughter and the wine was halfway gone. Susan stood up and raised her cup. "Alright, I got one," she said. "There once was a man from Nantucket…" By the time she finished the dirty limerick, they were staring wide-eyed at her. Susan looked at them and they exploded into peels of laughter, falling over one another and spilling wine from their cups. Susan did a theatrical bow and sat back down.

"That was fucking nasty," said Hidan. "I like your style."

Susan winked and cocked her finger at him. "I like your, um….hair."

Deidara snorted. "He only combs it about a thousand times a day, hmm."

"Hey, I like to look good," said Hidan, smoothing a hand over his hair.

"Helmet hair is in these days," Susan said wryly.

"It's not helmet hair!" said Hidan.

"It's very Count Dracula-esque," said Susan. She leaned forward. "You don't drink blood by any chance, do you?"

Hidan shrugged. "Occasionally."

Susan just stared at him. "Ew."

"That's sick, un," said Deidara.

Susan nodded. "That is sick."

"Gross," said Tobi.

Susan shook her head, looking perplexed. "God, that's like cannibalism, man."

"Mm-hmm," Deidara and Tobi hummed before sucking on their straws.

"I don't fucking eat people!" said Hidan.

"Shhhhhh!" Susan put a finger over her lips and whispered harshly, "Keep it down! You want to wake the whole neighborhood?"

"I can sure fucking try," growled Hidan. He turned away from her and folded his arms over his chest. "Call me a fucking cannibal…"

"I didn't call you a cannibal," said Susan.

"More like suggested it, really, un," said Deidara.

"Tobi doesn't think Hidan-san is a cannibal," offered Tobi.

"Jeez," sighed Susan, stretching out on a lawn chair and folding her hands behind her head. "Sensitive much?"

"I have goddamn feelings, okay?" said Hidan, grabbing the bottle and pouring himself another cupful of wine.

"Okay, alright," said Susan. They sat in silence for a few moments and Susan noticed that the sky had cleared up. She could see the stars and could make out the Big Dipper and Orion's Belt. "So…" She turned over and looked at the three ninjas. Deidara was looking fixedly at her but when she caught him staring, he looked away and reached for the wine bottle.

"So what are you going to do about your boyfriend?" he asked, refilling his cup.

Susan turned onto her back and rubbed her eyes. Fuck, not this again. She had just gotten Robert out of her mind and now he had been thrown back in. "I don't want to talk about it," she said.

"Your brother says you won't talk to anyone about it, hmm," said Deidara.

"Better in than out," said Susan.

"I think the right expression is 'Better out then in', hmm," said Deidara.

"You're wrong," said Susan. "Unless you're talking about intestinal cramps or something."

"No, _you're_ wrong, un," said Deidara. "Either shit or get off the pot."

Susan sat up and looked at him. "What?"

"He means make a fucking decision already," said Hidan. "You're wasting your time with that fuck. Wait, what the fuck's his name again?"

"Robert."

"Okay, well, I'm going to call him fuckface from now on," said Hidan. "I don't give a shit about women's lib and all that, but there's no reason why you should put up with what fuckface did."

"It's not as simple as you think it is," said Susan.

"The fuck it isn't," said Hidan. He scooted closer to her and leaned forward with his hands planted on his knees. "Why don't you pull your head out of your ass and get on with your life. You think fuckface is gonna wait on you like you're waiting on him?" Susan opened her mouth to answer but Hidan got in her face, jabbing his finger into her collarbone hard enough to bruise. "WRONG!" he shouted. "Have a little self respect. I say and drop that asshole and fuck around a little."

"He's right, hmm," said Deidara.

Hidan sat back down and crossed his arms over his chest, looking condescending. "I know what I'm talking about."

"What do you mean by 'fuck around'?" asked Susan.

"Live a little," said Hidan. "Screw as many people as you can while you're still young and hot."

Susan shook her head. "Where the hell did you come up with that philosophy?"

"Let's put it this way, hmm," said Deidara. "Death is imminent in our line of work. If we see an opportunity, we take it before it's too late."

"And milk that bitch 'til she runs dry," said Hidan.

Susan winced and scowled at him. "You're a pig."

"And you're a fucking prude," said Hidan.

She scoffed at him. "You're calling me a prude?"

"Yes I am," he said smugly.

Susan scooted to the end of the lawn chair and set her feet on the deck, resting her elbows on her knees. "Let me tell you assholes something. I have pissed away more time and effort on men than you can imagine. I lost my virginity when I was fourteen, for Chrissakes!" The moment those words slipped past her lips, she slapped her hands over her mouth.

Deidara and Tobi spit out mouthfuls of wine and Hidan's mouth fell open. Susan's hands tightened over her mouth and for a moment she thought she was going to gag. They were all staring at her in stunned silence. Heat spread from her face clear down to her chest. Her ears even started burning.

"Wow," said Deidara.

"Yeah, really," said Tobi.

"Holy shit," laughed Hidan. "This just keeps getting better and better!"

Susan's hands slid from her mouth down to her neck as she considered strangling herself. She cleared her throat. "That was the wine talking," she said calmly.

"Sure it was." Hidan chuckled nastily.

She glared at him. "Do us all a huge favor and go fuck yourself sideways with your stupid scythe."

He laughed at her. "You're the one who needs to get fucked."

"I bet you take it up the ass," said Susan.

"I bet you do, too," said Hidan.

Tobi dropped his cup and Deidara took a quick swig from his.

"You're disgusting," said Susan.

"You know you like it," said Hidan, looking smug as he folded his hands behind his head.

She scowled at him. "You are so…_ugly_."

"I wish I could say the same about you," said Hidan.

Susan opened her mouth and snapped it closed. She squinted incredulously at him. "Was that a compliment?"

He raised an eyebrow. "What the hell do you think?"

Deidara leaned over and muttered to Hidan, "Nice save, asshole."

"Susan-san is not ugly!" said Tobi.

Hidan looked about ready to slap him. "That's what I just said."

"You only insinuated it, hmm," said Deidara.

"You know what, fuck you guys," said Hidan, crossing his arms over his chest and turning his nose up in the air. "I tried."

Susan chuckled. "I would say thank you but you just ruined it for me."

"I'd say you're welcome but you just fucked that up for me," snipped Hidan.

"Okay," said Susan, crossing her legs and leaning back on her hands. She failed to notice Hidan and Deidara staring as her skirt rode up over her knees.

Tobi broke the silence when he slapped the Ouija board down on the deck. "Teach us how to play this," he said.

Susan slid off the lawn chair and sat down on the deck, smoothing her skirt over her knees. She turned to Hidan and Deidara. "This game is complete bullshit, just so you know," she told them. "As you can see, there are letters and numbers on the board. You take the thingy here." She picked up the planchette. "And everyone puts their fingertips on it."

"And we move it around on the board?" said Tobi.

"We're not the ones who will be doing the moving," said Susan. "It's a spirit board. The thingy will start moving on its own and it should point to letters and numbers to spell out answers to questions you ask the spirit world."

"It's used to speak with the dead?" asked Tobi.

"That's what the novelty of it is," said Susan. "It kind of has a bad rap for attracting evil things from beyond the grave," she said spookily, wiggling her fingers in front of her.

"You don't believe in that stuff, right?" said Deidara.

"It's just a toy," said Susan. She used to believe in it when she was a kid and still afraid of monsters in the closet.

"Let's do it!" said Tobi, grabbing the planchette out of her hands and placing it on the center of the board.

"Easy there, Kimosabe," said Susan. She turned to Hidan and Deidara. "You dorks gonna play or are you too chicken?"

Hidan and Deidara looked at one another before they joined her and Tobi. "What the fuck do we do again?" said Hidan.

Susan and Tobi put their fingers on the planchette. "Just put your fingers on the thing but don't push," she said. They did as they were told, leaning in close as they did so.

"What the fuck do we say?" said Hidan.

"Somebody has to ask a question and if there are any ectoplasmic organisms floating around out here, they should feel obligated to answer," said Susan. "We should actually do this inside for the desired effect. Spooky crap always happens inside darkened houses."

"I'll do it, hmm," said Deidara. He paused and opened his mouth to speak but instead he let out a wine-flavored burp. "'Scuse me. That wasn't a question by the way."

Susan fanned the air in front of her face with her hand. "I should hope not."

"Is there anybody out there?" Deidara asked the great beyond.

"Great fucking question, smartass," said Hidan.

"Shut up, hmm."

They waited…and waited.

"This is stupid," said Hidan.

"Maybe you didn't say it loud enough," said Susan. Deidara frowned at her.

"Maybe no one is listening from the great beyond," said Hidan.

Susan looked at Deidara and shrugged. "Like I said. Bullshit."

He continued to stare at her and she realized that they were practically eating each other's breath. She leaned back and started to take her hands away from the planchette when Tobi cried out, "Wait! It's moving!"

Susan felt it start to move under her hands and she kept her fingers on the planchette. It slowly moved along the Ouija board, making light skidding noises like a marker pressed to a dry erase board. "Who's pushing it?" she asked.

"Not me, un."

"Not Tobi either."

They all looked at Hidan. "Don't look at me," he said.

The planchette drifted toward the row of letters and stopped under the Y.

Susan frowned at it. "Y for yes?"

The planchette moved again, sliding to the O, then the U.

"You."

It moved again and stopped under the S before it kept moving on. Squeak. Stop. Squeak. Stop. Squeak. Stop.

"You…" Susan cocked her head to the side as she worked out the spelling. "You…suck." She looked up at Deidara. "You suck?"

"No, _you_ suck!" said Hidan before he burst into hysterical laughter. Susan and Deidara glared at him as he fell over and rolled around on the deck.

"You're a class act," said Susan.

"The spirits have spoken!" laughed Hidan.

"Try it again," said Tobi. "Without Hidan-san."

He set the planchette on the center of the board and they placed their fingertips on it. "Is there anybody out there?" asked Susan. They waited for about two minutes and nothing happened. Susan looked at Tobi. "This isn't working."

"Try again," said Tobi.

Susan sighed and looked at Deidara. He was staring at her again and she felt his finger nudge one of hers on the planchette. Hmmm. Awkward. "This is ridiculous," she said, taking her hands off the planchette. "It doesn't work."

Tobi and Deidara removed their hands from the planchette. "Bullshit, hmm," said Deidara.

"Ah-huh," said Susan. "It was more fun when Hidan started to…" She looked over at the spot Hidan had vacated. "Where'd he go?"

"He probably went to go drain the lizard, un," said Deidara, leaning back on the palms of his hands.

Susan stood up and tottered a bit. Her head swam a little from the wine, but she wasn't totally drunk. The bottle was empty, not even a drop left. She noticed the slightly glazed look in Deidara's eyes as he stared up at the overhanging branch of the nearby tree. Susan looked up and she could barely make out Zetsu's white half in the darkness. She had forgotten that the backyard was his dwelling at night.

"How's life up there?" she called up to the plant man.

He squatted down on the branch and rested his forearms on his knees. "Less complicated."

"You're not going to go tattle to Leader about this, are you?" said Deidara.

"**Not unless you do something really stupid**," said Zetsu.

Deidara got up, shuffled over to the lawn chair and laid down on it. "Wasn't planning on it, hmm," he said as he stretched his arms above his head and yawned.

Susan picked up the cups and empty bottle and her flashlight and headed for the steps. "I think we're done for tonight," she said, shining the light on the steps as she descended carefully. "Come on in before the mosquitoes eat you," she called over her shoulder.

"Right behind you," slurred Deidara as he turned over and curled up on the lawn chair.

Tobi stood up and walked evenly over to Deidara. "Get up, Deidara-senpai." He nudged the blond in the shoulder and Deidara feebly swatted his hand away.

"Go 'way. 'M sleepin'," Deidara muttered as he tucked his face into the crook of his arm. Tobi tried to pick him up but Deidara didn't help at all as he became a sleepy mass of dead weight.

Susan got to the bottom of the stairs and stopped when she heard rustling coming from the bushes alongside the house. She shined the light on the lilac plants and this time she saw something move. Leaves rustled and she heard heavy footfalls on the ground. Whatever it was, it didn't sound like a raccoon or a little bunny rabbit. She came closer to the bushes and crouched down to have a better look. There were four large paws peeking out from under the bushes. White socks or albino? Susan leaned down and took another step closer until she could see its haunches, and that was all she wanted to see when the owner of the hairy hindquarters started to growl.

"What the…" She started to back away and turned to run when the large animal burst out of the foliage. She dropped the bottle and cups as she tripped and fell to the ground. Sharp claws raked down her back and she started to scream, but the wind was knocked out of her as her attacker leapt on top of her. Her head slammed against the ground hard enough to spark an instant headache and she felt her shirt tear as the thing lifted itself off her back and dragged its claws down over her rear. It gripped her hips in its claws and picked her up, painfully arching her back, and started to pull her backwards. Disoriented, Susan tried to turn over as it dragged her across the damp grass.

"Susan-saaan!"

She looked above her and saw two pairs of bare feet pounding toward her. She shut her eyes and covered her head with her arms, thinking she was going to get stepped on, but instead she heard a meaty thud as Deidara and Tobi collided with her attacker and she felt the claws rip away from her hips and her ass landed on the ground. She gasped in relief and rolled over, looking around in the darkness as she heard the scuffle moving further away from her until she heard them crash into the chain link fence. The thing let out an angry snarl and she heard Tobi scream as he went flying over her head and landed about ten feet away from her. Deidara was flung through the air and landed on top of Tobi.

Susan sat up and looked around. "Tobi?"

A pair of arms wrapped around her from behind and someone started to drag her backwards. Susan tried to elbow them in the face. "Stop struggling," said Zetsu as he hefted her up and sat her down at the top of the steps. "Wait here," he told her before he took off, dashing swiftly around the side of the house and jumped over the now flattened gate of the chain link fence.

"Susan-san!" Tobi sprang up and ran to her. He grabbed her by the shoulders and started shaking her. "Tobi knew it! We brought an evil spirit forth with the Ouija board!"

Susan put her hands on the sides of his masked face and he stopped shaking her. "I don't think so," she said, breathing hard. Her heart was knocking around inside her chest so hard it hurt.

Deidara limped over to them, holding his side. He climbed up the stairs on all fours and sat down next to Susan. "What the fuck?" he breathed, his eyes wild as he looked at Tobi. "Did we just try to take on a fucking polar bear?"

"It was a ghost!" said Tobi, shaking Susan again. She slapped his hands away and grabbed him by the shoulders.

"I…" She shook him hard. "Don't…" She shook him again. "THINK SO!" she yelled in his face, shaking him a final time before letting go of him and grabbing her throbbing head.

The patio door slid open and Mark stumbled outside followed by Sasori, Kisame and Itachi. He spotted Susan and ran to her, shining his flashlight in her face. "What happened?" The flashlight beam drifted down to illuminate the grass stains on her bare arms and the tears in her clothes. "Holy crap, what the heck happened?"

Susan tried to sit up straighter, but the shooting pains in her back and head made her curl into herself. Sasori knelt down beside her and Deidara. "Are you hurt?" he asked.

Deidara lifted his arm to reveal a large slash in his shirt that was soaked with blood. Mark turned queasy and slapped the flashlight in Kisame's hands as he turned away. Tobi checked himself and chirped that he was unharmed. There wasn't so much as a scratch on him. Susan reached behind her and winced as her hands brushed over her back, her fingers threading through the tears in her shirt.

"My back feels like it's on fire," she said.

"Come inside," said Sasori. He and Tobi supported her on each side as they brought her into the house. Deidara rejected Itachi's offered hand and limped into the house on his own. Mark lit more candles in the kitchen as they approached and Sasori and Tobi slid out from under Susan's arms as she sat down on the stool. Kisame and Itachi hovered nearby as Deidara sat on the stool beside her.

Hidan came around the corner with Kakuzu and paused when he saw the crowd. "What's going on?" he asked.

"Where were you?" asked Susan.

"Taking a piss," he answered testily.

"Why do you smell like fermented grapes?" Kakuzu asked his partner. Hidan glowered silently and crossed his arms over his chest.

Deidara pulled his shirt off so that Sasori could examine his wounds. There were three long scrapes running along the right side of his ribs. They glistened with fresh blood and Mark tried to hold his lunch down as he ran off to find a first aid kit. As he was on his way to the upstairs bathroom, he ran smack into Pain. Mark backed away from the ninja, his mouth slack with surprise.

"What's going on?" asked Pain.

Meanwhile, down in the kitchen Sasori was questioning Deidara about what had happened. The stubborn blond barked a short answer here and there, but it wasn't enough to satisfy Sasori's curiosity.

Itachi approached Susan. "May I have a look at your wounds?" he asked her.

Startled, she hesitated before sighing in resignation. "Be gentle," she said. She turned around so her back was facing him and he lifted her shirt up until it bunched just under her shoulders. Kisame shined his flashlight on her to reveal five long, red lines that started in the middle of her back and stretched down to the edge of her skirt where rips continued down over her rear.

"Am I bleeding?" she asked.

"They're just scratches," said Itachi.

"It burns," she said.

Kisame, Hidan and Tobi leaned closer. "There are more on her side," said Kisame.

Itachi made her turn a little to her left so that he could see the fiery red claw marks that dragged down over her ribs to where the fabric of her skirt had torn a little at the waist and bits of it hung over the swell of her hip. "These look worse," said Itachi as he prodded the small punctures on her hip with his index finger. It came away damp with blood.

"Give it to me straight, doc," said Susan, looking over her shoulder at him. "Do I need a Band-Aid?"

"I don't think so," said Itachi. He let go of her shirt and she turned back around.

"Now for the next question." Everyone turned to see Pain as he approached with Konan and Mark behind him. He looked directly at Susan—straight into her soul—and said, "What happened?"

She explained what happened starting with what she was doing outside in the first place, which did not please the Akatsuki leader. "You gave them alcohol," he said, looking sternly at her.

"Yup," said Susan. She was still a little bit buzzed from the wine.

Pain looked at Hidan and then Deidara and Tobi, who had resorted to looking at the ceiling—anything to avoid a cold stare that would skewer a normal person on the spot.

Pain then turned his glare on Susan. "You have all been very irresponsible."

"I know," she said, looking down at the floor. She felt like a little kid who was getting a stern talking to for pushing another kid on the playground.

Mark came forward and set the first aid kit on the kitchen counter. "Let's get back on track here," he said, surprising Susan with his authority. Everyone else seemed surprised as well. "Who or what attacked you?" he asked Susan.

"It was a fucking polar bear, hmm," said Deidara. Everyone turned to look at him.

"A polar bear," said Pain, his voice tinged with disbelief and simmering anger.

"It was big and it had white fur," said Susan.

"So it was an animal," said Mark. "Like a coyote?"

"What's a coyote?" asked Deidara.

"It's like a wild dog," said Mark. "Sometimes they wander over here from the nature reserve looking for food."

"It wasn't a coyote," said Susan. "Coyotes don't grab you with their claws and try to drag you away like that."

"Like I said, it was a fucking polar bear," said Deidara.

"Tobi saw it," said Tobi. "It had long ears."

"**It's a rabbit**," said Zetsu as he stepped through the open patio door. "**We tracked it five blocks from here**."

"A rabbit?" Susan stood up but her head started pounding and she sat back down. "Are you sure that's what you saw?"

"**We're positive**," said Zetsu. "And what's more, it had a chakra signature unlike anything we've felt before."

"That can't be right," said Susan. "Rabbits don't grow to the size of polar bears and they don't attack people."

"This one did," muttered Deidara. He hissed between his teeth as Sasori dabbed his wound with a cloth soaked with antiseptic.

Mark frowned. "It had a chakra signature?"

"More like multiple life-forces," said Zetsu. "It felt very odd."

"What does that mean?" asked Susan.

"**We don't know**," said Zetsu.

Pain turned to Deidara and Tobi. "You two fought with it."

"Not really, hmm," said Deidara. "We grabbed hold of it, but it just threw us off like we were nothing."

"You are a bit drunk, are you not?" said Pain.

Tobi and Deidara looked at one another, then at the floor.

"Your senses are dulled and your coordination is off. You were not prepared for a fight," said Pain. "Your foolishness knows no bounds."

Deidara sprang up from his seat. "It attacked her!" He pointed to Susan. "What else were we supposed to do?"

Pain's glare grew more severe and Susan thought for sure that he would take Deidara over his knee and paddle him senseless in front of everyone. "I probably wouldn't be sitting here now if they hadn't done something about it," she said.

Pain turned to Zetsu. "You said you followed it. Where exactly did the trail end?"

"Near a children's playground," said Zetsu. "**By a lake**."

"That's Diamond Lake Park," said Susan. There had been reported sightings of cougars and coyotes in the woods surrounding Diamond Lake, but not giant bunny rabbits. "Are we absolutely sure that this thing is a rabbit? It could be Bigfoot for all we know."

Kisame scratched his head. "Bigfoot?"

"Or a yeti," added Mark. "Yetis have white fur."

"Yetis live in the Himalayas," said Susan. "There's no snow here."

"The fuck are you guys talking about?" said Hidan.

Susan sighed and put her throbbing head in her hands, her headache growing worse at the ridiculousness of their conversation. "Nothing," she muttered.

"Mythical creatures aside, we should probably report this to the cops," said Mark.

"No," said Susan. "That's not a good idea."

"But what if it comes back and tries to grab a toddler off a tricycle or something?" asked Mark.

"We could go out there and hunt it down, un," said Deidara.

"**We've been hearing some strange noises at night**," said Zetsu. "**The creature could have been stalking this area for days, but we haven't seen it until tonight**."

"I've heard some odd things at night, too," said Susan. She turned to Zetsu. "Did it sound kind of like two cats fighting?"

Zetsu cocked his head to the side. "**Sort of**."

Mark thought about Nicky's cat, Burger, who was now officially declared missing. "The neighbors lost their cat the other day," he said. "I talked to Nicky from next door and she said they let Burger out the other night and he hasn't come back since. They found his collar and it was all chewed up like something tore it off in a fight."

"I saw a missing dog flyer today," said Susan. "You know the people down the street with the Siberian husky?"

Mark nodded. "Yeah."

"The dog went missing last night. I think this thing must have been running around the neighborhood snatching people's pet out of their yards," said Susan. "But I guess that wasn't enough and now it's going after people." From what she could rememberl, the thing seemed large enough to take down a cow.

"We should call the cops," said Mark.

"Fuck that," said Hidan. "We should go skin the rabbit."

Kakuzu slapped him upside the head. "You're just saying that because you haven't killed anything all week," he growled.

"Sounds like this thing is becoming a nuisance," said Kisame. He smirked. "I say we eliminate it."

"Anybody else thirsty for blood?" Susan asked dryly.

"It's getting pretty boring around here. I don't know about the rest of you but I'm up for some action," said Kisame, bearing his teeth in a full grin.

Susan got up and paced around the room. "You're going to get into trouble if you go out there." She stopped and turned to Pain. "You don't agree with them, do you?"

The Akatsuki leader was silent for a few moments before he looked at the others. "We are not going out there tonight."

Susan let out a slow sigh of relief and Kisme and Hidan let out sighs of disappointment.

"We will wait until this coming evening to look for the creature," said Pain.

Susan nearly choked. "What?"

"There is a reason why it came to this house," said Pain. "It was looking for something and instead it fell upon you."

Susan didn't understand. What else was it looking for besides its next meal? Again, it sounded like the Akatsuki leader knew something no one else did.

"What if I say, 'No, you can't do that'?" said Susan.

His violet Rinnigen eyes shined coldly at her. "Your authority only runs so deep," he said. "I encourage you to come with us if you're not overly opposed to the idea."

"Can I come too?" Mark asked.

"No," said Susan, planting a hand on her hip and looking sternly at Pain. "We are not going with you."

"So be it," said Pain. "Zetsu will take us there."

Mark pouted. "I wanna see the yeti."

"It's not a yeti," said Susan. It was a giant carnivorous rabbit. Go figure. "You can't just march out there in the middle of the night. People go to the park at night, too. If you start any shit out there, someone is going to call the cops and that will bring a whole new problem down on us."

"That's a risk we'll take," said Pain.

"Why are you so gung-ho about looking for this thing anyway?" she asked.

"I have not sensed another chakra signature outside of our group since we arrived here, but I felt a disturbingly obvious chakra signature tonight and I am starting to think that we are not the only ones who traveled here from another world," said Pain.

Susan's mouth dropped open. All the sudden she felt like she was going to throw up. "Are you serious?"

"There can be no other explanation," said Zetsu. "Our guess is that it's probably a summoning animal."

Susan had no clue what he was talking about. She looked at Mark who appeared to comprehend what was being said.

"Who summoned it?" said Sasori.

"If it were a summoning creature, wouldn't it be able to go back to wherever it was summoned from?" asked Mark. Everyone looked curiously at him.

"That may be impossible to do since it must have traversed from our astral plane to yours while it was being summoned," said Sasori. "It could be stranded here just like we are."

"Nobody's stranded," said Susan. "There has to be a way for you guys to get back home."

"We have nothing to go on," said Sasori.

Faced with an impossibly strange predicament, Susan started feeling incredibly sleepy. The wine buzz hangover was starting to kick in. "Is anybody else tired?"

Deidara was practically drooping off his stool. Sasori pinched him and he woke up a little, grabbing hold of the counter to keep from falling over.

Kakuzu turned and headed for the stairs. "I'm going back to bed. Don't wake me if anything else happens because chances are I won't give a shit."

"Nice guy," muttered Susan.

Pain and Konan silently retreated up the stairs, leaving no room for Susan to argue with the Akatsuki leader about his plan to go to Diamond Lake Park. She dreaded the idea for many reasons. It tired her out just thinking about it. She looked at Sasori as he finished bandaging Deidara's wound.

"Are you going to go with them to the park?" she asked him.

Sasori looked at her. "I have to follow orders," he said.

"I don't like his idea at all," she said, looking around at everyone else. "As much as I hate to say it, I feel responsible for all of you. I think you're making a big mistake by going out there."

"In public, you mean," said Sasori.

"Yes, in public. Where people can see all the weird stuff you guys do," said Susan. "You'll attract unwanted attention."

"You took us to the store with you," said Sasori. "No one paid much attention to us then."

"Yeah, no one bothered us either when we went to see you at the café," said Mark.

Susan was getting frustrated. "I'm talking about if you go out there and if you find this rabbit thingy. Are you going to use your ninja skills to kill it?"

"How else would we kill the fucker? Harsh language?" said Hidan.

"You could kill a room full of old ladies with that filthy mouth of yours," said Kisame.

"Look, I know that that's the way you take care of problems where you come from, but we do things differently here," said Susan. "We should just call animal control to go and deal with it. People will panic if they see you guys running around throwing knives and waving swords and puppets all over."

"We just want to see for ourselves what we're dealing with," said Sasori. "No one said anything about starting a fight."

"I did," Kisame piped up.

"We won't fight unless provoked," said Itachi, shooting his partner a sour look.

"Whatever." Susan rubbed her eyes with the back of her hand. "We'll continue this argument tomorrow." She yawned. "I'm getting pretty sleepy despite all this excitement."

"It's already tomorrow," said Mark, checking his watch. "It's almost four in the morning."

"Thank God it's my day off today," said Susan.

"I thought you were working all week," said Mark.

"I asked for time off so I could spend it with you," said Susan. "I won't be working all weekend."

"That means you can spend more time with us," said Mark with a huge grin.

Susan looked at Sasori and the others. Shit. That's right. She was going to have to hang out with _them_ all weekend. That is unless they somehow figured out how to get back to their world before Monday. After that they only had a week left before their parents came home. That reminded her of the puzzle box she had left neglected in her room. She promised herself that when she woke up, she would open it and see what was inside.

^.^ ^.^ ^.^ ^.^

Usagi let out an irritated growl as it crawled into its burrow by the children's playground. It had not planned to make its move tonight, but the woman had discovered it, leaving Usagi with no choice but to attack. She had gotten away with the help of those two drunken ninjas—the blond and the man with the mask. They stank of fermented grapes and burnt sugar. They were somewhat weak and uncoordinated and it managed to throw them off before they could inflict any real damage. However, someone else followed it all the way to its burrow on the edge of the community playground. They knew where it lived now.

The woman would have made a nutritious meal, but it was no real loss. It would wait in the earth for them to come. Usagi knew they would. There was no doubt that they sensed its foreign chakra. Pain was a smart man regardless.

When they came, Usagi would be ready for them.

* * *

I had to give that rabbit a name. Just calling it "the white rabbit" was getting a little tiring. Usagi is also the name of a samurai rabbit character from TMNT (huge fan by the way, especially of the live action movies) and he is also one of my favorite characters from the recent TMNT cartoons. Plus I love, love, love bunny rabbits! If there is anything more awesome to dream up (besides a picture of Christpher Walken building Optimus Prime), it would have to be a polar bear-sized bunny rabbit with killer fangs.

Reviews? Yes please. Thanks for the feedback, guys! Surprises will be in store for the next chapter.

Later!


	12. Unwanted Advances Bring Wanted Attention

**Warning****: **This chapter is lemon scented. Nothing graphic but there's definitely stuff going on. Prepare yourselves because there's also talk about sex. This is my first serious attempt at citrous writing. Again, I wonder if the rating should change to M.

Hope you like!

* * *

Chapter 12

Unwanted Advances Bring Wanted Attention

Susan looked around, trying to find her bearings in a new place. So far she concluded that she was standing in a Japanese style garden. Soft, shaggy grass yielded under her bare feet and sculpted bushes bearing tiny white and pink blossoms crowded around statues holding floral lanterns while trees with leaves varying from lime green to waxy maroon shaded the outer edges of the fenced in garden. She walked along a pond and surveyed the wide stream that extended under a wooden bridge. It was someone's property. There was a house behind her—certainly not a house she recognized. It was in the style of traditional Japanese architecture with shoji screen windows and vertical auburn wood siding. She could hear a bell chime ringing softly in the breeze.

There were other people in the garden, some of them wearing kimonos while others dressed casually. Some even wore what appeared to be uniforms-black clothes under olive military-style vests and headbands bearing a leaf-like symbol. They seemed not to notice her as they passed by, speaking Japanese to one another and sometimes laughing quietly. Susan turned to see the wooden gate open and a little boy entered. He wore a plain dark shirt with a high collar and short pants that revealed his thin legs below the knee and his small feet in dark sandals. The boy looked around as if he were searching for something, his dark eyes scanning the garden until they came to rest on Susan. She seemed to be the only one to notice him and he seemed to be the only one to notice her. Everyone else chatted away, not even so much as glancing at them.

The boy came toward her. Susan felt a bit awkward as he stopped a couple of feet from her, looking up at her with his large, mousy eyes. He was very short with longish dark hair that hid his forehead. Susan felt the need to reach out and brush it out of his face but she held herself in check. She thought he couldn't have been older then eight or nine. He even looked a little familiar.

"Hi," she said, raising her hand in greeting.

He looked puzzled for a moment before uttering a quiet "Hello" to her. His eyes looked her up and down and Susan looked down and noticed that she was wearing the faded gray t-shirt and pair of blue plaid boxer shorts she had worn to bed. She was not wearing a bra. Feeling even more awkward, she crossed her arms over her chest. The boy met her eyes and she recognized blatant curiosity in his expression.

"You looked like you were looking for someone over there," she said.

"I'm looking for my brother," he said. "We were playing hide and seek an hour ago. He always does this to me."

"Maybe I can help you," she said. "What does he look like?"

"You'd know him if you saw him," said the boy. He paused and looked her up and down again. "Well, maybe you wouldn't."

"Try me," said Susan.

"His hair sticks up all over and he's really noisy and obnoxious," he said.

Susan smiled. "The complete opposite of you, huh?"

He looked curiously at her. "I guess. How would you know?"

She looked carefully at him. "You just look like the quiet type." His eyes lowered to the ground and she though he looked a little disappointed. "Did I say something wrong?" she asked.

"No."

She knelt down on one knee, resting her elbow on it with her palm cradling her chin. "What's the matter then?"

"I just need to find my brother," he said. "Have you seen him?"

She shook her head.

"Itaaaa-chi!"

Susan looked over her shoulder and saw a small dark-haired boy of about four or five standing by the bridge. He had his arm stretched high above his head and was waving at them. Susan looked at the boy she had just met and saw him smiling at the other in the distance.

"Is that your brother?" she asked him.

"That's him," said the boy. He turned to go but then he paused, looked over his shoulder at her, and smiled softly. Almost affectionately, Susan thought with a twinge of alarm. "I'll see you later," he said.

Confused by his parting words, Susan waved at him. "Bye."

The boy took off toward his little brother and Susan watched him go. She felt a sudden pain in her stomach before the screaming started. She turned around to see people scatter as a giant white rabbit crashed through the house, its forepaws landing in the garden. It raked its claws on the ground, ripping up grass and bushes and knocking over trees as it raised its head and let out a tremendous roar. Susan opened her mouth and screamed.

"Araaaaagh!" She rolled out of bed and landed on the floor with a resounding thud that shook the whole upper level of the house. The thin layer of carpet did nothing to soften the impact. She opened her eyes and found herself looking at the dust mice under her bed. She rolled onto her back and covered her face with her hands.

"Holy mother of God," she muttered between her fingers. That was by far the wackiest dream she had ever had. Had she actually been talking in her sleep? She had been known to do it on occasion, but this time she was fresh from a conversation upon awakening—before the screaming and the terror. "Fuckin' white rabbit," she mumbled, folding her arms over her face.

There was a knock on her door. "Susan-san."

She sat up and rubbed her eyes, ignoring whoever was outside. They didn't stay ignored for long as the door opened and Sasori walked in. He looked down at her and raised an eyebrow.

"I fell out of bed," said Susan.

"I can see that."

"I'm fine if you're wondering," she said.

He came forward and offered her his hand. She took it and he pulled her up with ease. She put her hand on his shoulder and steadied herself once she was on her feet. Deidara poked his head in the door. "What happened?"

"I fell out of bed," said Susan.

Deidara stepped into her room and looked around. Susan let go of Sasori and sat down on the bed. She had a splitting headache. She needed caffeine, stat. She looked at her digital clock and saw that it was blinking 12:00. The power was back on.

"What time is it?" she asked.

"Past noon," said Sasori. Susan let out a sigh and fell back on her bed, draping an arm over her eyes. It was extremely bright in her room despite the shear white blinds filtering the sunlight.

"We cleaned up the broken lamp downstairs," said Sasori. "I hope your parents weren't too attached to it."

"It's not a big deal," said Susan. "Mark knocked it over. He can tell them who broke it."

"How's your back?" asked Deidara.

"Still burning," said Susan. The scratches really did feel like they were on fire, like really bad rug burn. "How's your side?"

"It burns, un," said Deidara. He scratched his side. "Kind of itchy, too."

Sasori pinched his arm. "Don't scratch."

"I'll scratch it if I want to," said Deidara.

"That's how you'll get an infection," said Sasori.

Susan got up and stretched her arms over her head. She opened her eyes and noticed that both ninjas were staring interestedly at her breasts, which were straining against her t-shirt as she arched her back to stretch her muscles. Remembering the fact that she wasn't wearing a bra, she quickly crossed her arms over her chest. "Where's everyone else?"

"They're outside with Mark-san," said Sasori.

"He wants you to go to the store, un," said Deidara. "We're almost out of food."

She sighed. "Great."

"I'll go with you," Deidara offered. Susan didn't feel like going to the store and she definitely didn't feel like bringing company if she did go.

"No thanks," she said, whizzing past their prying eyes and heading to the bathroom. She showered and brushed her teeth. Looking in the mirror, she didn't know what to do with her hair. She was too tired and her hair was too long and too wet for her to find the patience to fiddle with it, so she pulled it back in a ponytail. Screw makeup. She didn't have patience for that either.

She went to her room and put on some jeans and a white short-sleeved peasant top with embroidering down the front and a shoestring tie at the neckline. Robert had given it to her for her birthday. It was attached to a bitter memory but she liked it anyway. She popped a couple of Tylenol before she went downstairs to get something to eat.

Sasori and Deidara were sitting at the kitchen counter, the puppet master reading yet another Stephen King novel while Deidara was watching her like a hawk as she approached them. Kakuzu was sitting at the table reading the business section of the newspaper. He looked up at her and she ignored his glare and opened the refrigerator.

"You're finally up," said Kakuzu.

Susan turned around with an apple in her hand and leaned against the counter. "That I am," she said, taking a bite out of her apple.

"Leader chewed Sasori and myself out for your little drinking party last night," said the grouchy ninja.

"Why?" she asked. "You guys didn't do anything."

"That's why we were chewed out," said Sasori. "As partners we're obligated to keep one another out of trouble. We should have been paying attention to what Hidan and Deidara were doing last night."

"You don't sleep anyway. What were you doing the whole time we were outside?" she asked him. She thought for sure that Deidara's absence would have attracted the puppet ninja's attention.

"I was reading a novel," said Sasori, turning a page in the paperback he was currently reading. "This Stephen King is a fantastic writer."

Herself being a huge Stephen King fan, Susan was rather pleased to hear that. She looked at Deidara and felt a little low when saw the nervous expression on his face. She shouldn't have agreed to do what she did last night. It was partly her fault that they were in trouble. "Your leader doesn't punish you for stuff like that, does he?" she asked Sasori.

"No," said Sasori. "But it's a great dishonor to be admonished by a superior." He looked at Deidara who stubbornly looked away.

"No kidding," said Susan. She felt like a scolded child when Pain rebuked her about the alcohol.

"We wouldn't have gotten our asses chewed out if weren't for you," said Kakuzu.

"I'm sorry, okay," said Susan. She looked at Deidara. "I thought you'd at least be able to hold your liquor."

"I can, hmm," argued Deidara.

"You were lit like a Christmas tree," said Susan. "Your face was all red."

"Hey, I was sober enough to save your ass last night, un," said Deidara.

Susan shook her head. "Other than that you were on the verge of falling asleep. Total lightweight."

"You were pretty tanked, too, hmm," said Deidara. "You'd have to be pretty drunk to tell us about losing your vir—"

"DON'T!" Susan pointed a finger at him. "Don't even say it," she hissed.

Sasori looked curiously at her. "What did you tell them?"

Deidara opened his mouth and Susan glared warningly at him, shaking her head. He paused and made a dismissive gesture. "Never mind, hmm."

She could have slapped him. She _should have _slapped him. He looked knowingly at her and it made her angry. Sasori looked between her and Deidara. "I'm missing something here," he said suspiciously.

Nerves rattling and head pounding, Susan left the kitchen and went outside where she found the others. Kisame, Tobi, Hidan and Mark were roughhousing in the pool while Pain and Konan were sitting under a tree playing a game of chess. Itachi was sitting under the awning reading a book. Zetsu, well, he had made himself invisible again. Susan went around the side of the house and surveyed the damage from Tobi and Deidara's scuffle with the killer rabbit. The gate had been torn off its hinges and lay flat on the grass. Some of her mother's day lilies had been trampled and the lilac bushes were looking a little worse for wear. She could probably get away with crediting it to the hailstorm that blew through the night before.

As she was walking by the pool, she heard Kisame laughing and her brother happily screaming, "Oh, no!" followed by a loud splash. A big wave rolled over the side of the pool and Susan dodged it before it could drench her. Mark popped his head out of the water.

"The fence is broken," said Susan.

"Only the gate," said Mark.

"We can't fix the hinges," she said. "I'm going to the store. Any requests?"

Mark folded his arms on the edge of the pool and rested his chin on them. "Could you get some root beer, pickles, and precooked bacon?"

"What kind of pickles do you want?" she asked.

"Dill."

"You don't like bacon," said Susan.

Kisame waded over to them. "I do," he said.

"Good because I like BLTs," said Susan as she turned to go. She had a big time craving for a bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich.

"And get some more toilet paper!" Mark called after her.

Susan met Itachi on her way to the house. He promptly looked up from his book when she approached. Susan tried to place his face with that of the little boy she met in her dream. The resemblance was there, but only slightly. It was odd. Itachi looked more tense than usual, like he was getting ready to bolt if she made any sudden moves. She was suddenly struck by the impulse to be courteous. "Can I get you anything at the store?" she asked.

"No," he said. "Thank you."

She wanted to ask him about the dreams, about his brother, but something told her to leave it alone. "Are you sure?" she asked him.

"Yes."

"What are you reading?"

He closed the book so she could see the cover. It was _The Witches of Eastwick _by John Updike. It was the book she had seen him looking at in her father's study. She had given him permission to borrow it.

"I thought you read that one already," she said.

"I got sidetracked by another."

"What do you think of it so far?" she asked.

"…Interesting."

"Yeah, for a book written from the female perspective by a male author," said Susan. "I think it sort of makes fun of the traditions of a patriarchal society."

"You think so," he said. It wasn't so much a question as it was a musing.

"Mm-hmm."

He was giving her that weird look again. She saw a small trace of that little boy from her dream in that look. She wondered what he was thinking right then.

"How are your wounds?" he asked.

"Still sore but I'll live."

He nodded and looked away. Susan glanced away and spotted Deidara watching them from the patio door. He was glowering at the Uchiha. She shoved her hands in her pockets and looked at Itachi. "Last chance to make a request before I leave," she said. "I know you like sweet things."

His eyes drifted upward to look at her and she thought she saw the corners of his mouth lift upward just a tiny bit. "I'm fine," he said.

"M'kay. I'll just have to surprise you," she said and left him to his book.

Deidara opened the patio door for her and she passed him without a word. He followed her as she grabbed her purse and keys off the table in the living room. "Need some company?" he asked her.

"No," she said, slipping on her flip-flops and opening the front door.

"Would you rather _Itachi_ went with you, hmm?" he asked testily.

She was halfway out the door when she stuck her head back in and said, "No" before she slammed the door behind her and hurried to the driveway. She was starting her car when the passenger door opened and Deidara got in. "What are you doing?" she asked snappishly.

He shut the door. "I'm going with you, un."

"No you're not."

He smiled. "You need someone to carry the groceries."

"They have shopping carts for that."

"I'm bored, un."

Seeing that he wasn't going to get out, Susan decided not to argue and put the car in reverse. "Put your seatbelt on," she said. The car glided down the driveway and they were off to the store.

It was quiet for most of the drive. Susan wasn't up for conversation. She was still annoyed with Deidara for his near faux pas earlier. Out of the corner of her eye she could see him watching her, which annoyed her even more. He was doing it on purpose, waiting for her to look at him, probably anticipating the next time she'd snap at him for staring at her like a goon. He was about to get his wish.

She stopped at a red light and turned her head to look at him. He was staring unabashedly at her, his blue eyes full of mischief. "It's awfully rude to stare," she said.

"Am I staring?" he asked innocently.

"Like a freak," she said.

"Do people stare at you often?" he asked.

"No."

"That's too bad, hmm," he said, looking out the passenger window. "Your light's green."

Susan tore her eyes away from him to see that the traffic light had indeed turned green. Her foot pressed the gas pedal and they crossed the intersection. "Why do you say that?" she asked.

He looked at her. "Hmm?"

"Why do you say that's too bad?"

He shrugged. "Don't know. It's just an opinion, hmm."

"I don't like being stared at," she said. "Do you?"

"Not really, un."

"You and your buddies seem to have the staring thing down pat," she said.

"For intimidation mostly, hmm."

She chuckled dryly. "Yeah, I got that."

"Do I intimidate you?" he asked.

She glanced at him. "You're more annoying than intimidating right now."

"You're very easy to annoy, hmm."

"Obviously you find my irritation amusing," said Susan.

"Very amusing."

"And you're very annoying," she said.

"You think I'm cute, un."

She looked sharply at him and caught him smirking at her. "I think you're crazy," she said.

He chuckled throatily. "I wouldn't call it crazy, hmm." He was trying to get a rise out of her and she was determined not to give him the satisfaction. When they got to the store, she made him push the cart while she led him around the store. They were in the produce section when he started in on her again. "Just admit it, hmm. You find me attractive," he said.

Susan was searching for a ripe cantaloupe. "I find you repugnant and mouthy. Excuse the pun," she said, picking up a melon and prodding its naval with her thumb.

"That's your type, right?" he asked. "Repugnant, like that asshole who's cheating on you."

She looked at him and scowled. "And mouthy, like _another_ asshole I know," she said, tossing the melon at him none too gently. He caught it on both hands with ease and set it down in the cart.

"So you think he's an asshole _and _repugnant, hmm," said Deidara. He made it sound as if he had reached some kind of breakthrough.

"You're twisting my words. I'm saying you're an asshole for bringing up _my_ problems with my boyfriend," she said. "I'll deal with it _my_ way and I don't need your opinion. You don't know Robert."

He knit his eyebrows together and she could see his jaw tighten. "I know enough, un. He'll make you miserable if you stay with him," he said.

She had been miserable to begin with. By the time she made it through her senior year of high school, she was too tired to fight off all the douche bags that made passes at her, so she decided to go with Robert. He wasn't edgy and he didn't act stupid like the others. He was mature, he listened to her when she talked and he knew what he wanted out of life. In short it was convenient. The sex was good, too. Robert touched instead of grabbed, his hands learning her as they caressed her. It wasn't fast, fevered and unfulfilling like it had been with many of her former boyfriends—fucking in the sweaty backseat of a car or on a broken down couch in some hellhole basement that stank of cigarettes and stale pot. Susan hadn't exactly been a straight arrow in high school. She had done things she wasn't proud of and was still paying for some of them. Robert had straightened her out, had gotten her off the drugs and away from the alcohol and even helped her prepare for college. She thought she didn't have to worry about him messing around behind her back with other women. She thought she had even grown to love him.

"Can we please get off the subject?" she asked.

Deidara looked contemplatively at her before he spoke again. "Did you really lose your virginity when you were fourteen?"

Susan ignored him and moved on to the vegetables. She was picking out tomatoes and he was watching her, leaning on the cart with his chin in the palm of his hand. "How'd it happen?" he asked.

She ripped a plastic bag off the roll, opened it with a violent shake and started shoving tomatoes into it. "That's none of your business," she said shortly.

"You confessed it. Now I'm interested, hmm."

She tossed the bag of tomatoes into the cart. "You're a pervert for asking that."

He smiled at her. "All men are perverts, hmm. So are women."

"Well, in that case what about you? When did you lose your cherry?" She smirked at him. "Or haven't you lost it yet?"

His smile faded and his cheeks started to turn pink. "…"

Aha! Bingo. Susan smiled teasingly at him. "You're still a virgin, eh?"

He looked indignantly at her. "I am not, hmm."

"Your flaming red face tells a different story," said Susan. "With all the bragging you do about your looks I'm surprised no one's jumped your bones yet."

His smiled instantly returned, his cornflower eyes seeming to brighten at her. "So you agree that I'm cute, un."

"You're still a virgin so I don't think so," she said and moved on to the lettuce. Why was he acting so funny all of the sudden? He was silly if he thought she was going to fall for his lame attempts at…well, whatever it was he was trying to do.

"I refuse to believe that, hmm. And I'm not a virgin."

She tossed a wrapped head of lettuce into the cart. "Whatever."

They made it to the condiments and she was looking at the endless selection of pickles when he asked her another disturbing question.

"What was it like?"

Susan turned to look at him. "What was what like?"

"Your first time, hmm."

"None of your goddamn business." She grabbed the cart and dragged it along as she scanned the aisle for the right brand of pickles her brother wanted.

"Come on, we're adults here, hmm."

"Let's not discuss this, shall we?" She grabbed a jar of pickles and put it in the cart. Her first sexual encounter really was kind of embarrassing, as she supposed most first times were. Some would even call it laughable. She had done it with a boy who was her age. It happened in a hammock in his backyard, if one could believe it, and this hammock wasn't exactly built for two, but that wasn't the embarrassing part. His older sister caught them with their pants down (well, his were down while Susan was wearing a short skirt). His sister wasn't even upset with them. Instead she actually congratulated her brother for losing it to "such a pretty girl". Susan could have smacked her for being so dumb.

Deidara started pushing the cart when she walked away from him. "Okay, un. What do your parents do for a living?" he asked as he coasted up behind her.

"My dad's a college professor and my mom's a doctor," she Susan.

"What does your father teach?"

"Literature."

They came to the checkout aisle and she started unloading the cart. "And your mom?" he asked.

Susan sighed and tossed a tub of ice cream onto the conveyer belt. "She's a doctor."

"Like a surgeon? Ear, nose and throat or what?"

Susan cleared her throat. "Um, she's a gynecologist," she said quietly.

Deidara paused as he was bending to pick up the case of root beer at the bottom of the cart. "Really?"

Susan tucked a stray piece of hair behind her ear and stepped aside as Deidara placed the case of root beer on the conveyer belt. "Yeah, really. What about your folks?"

He lowered his head. "Ninjas, hmm."

Sensing his wariness on the subject, she winked and nodded. "Right."

The drive from the grocery store was quiet and tense—at least for Susan. He was doing it again. "Stop staring. I know what you're trying to do," she said.

"You really should smile more, hmm."

"Maybe I'm not in a cheerful mood right now," she said.

"I bet I can cheer you up, un."

She looked at him. "Oh, pray tell. How are you going to cheer me up?"

"Pull over somewhere and I'll show you, hmm."

"Not a chance. We've got ice cream that needs a freezer," she said. "Can't you show me at home?"

"I don't want to go back just yet. I know you're getting sick of having us around but the others are starting to drive _me_ nuts, hmm," he said. "I need a little time away from them, too."

"I don't know about that," said Susan. "You all seem to be doing fine together."

"That's what you think, hmm," Deidara grumbled and looked out the window. "Where's that park you were talking about?"

They were about to drive by Diamond Lake Park, the alleged home of the killer rabbit. "We can't go to the park. There's a killer rabbit lurking around."

He grinned at her. "We can go look for it if you want."

"I don't want to look for it."

"Then we can just go for a walk and stretch our legs, un."

"You are just full of excuses today," she said. "Alright, we'll go to the park, but only for a few minutes." God, what did she do to get stuck in a car with him?

She parked in a shady spot so that the ice cream wouldn't suffer too much in the summer heat. Thank God for lots of old, massive trees and the wonderful shade they provided. She and Deidara were on the walking path that went around the lake. As they were passing by the busy playground, Susan watched the kids on the swings—some with parents pushing them and some old enough to propel back and forth before they found the courage to jump off and land in the pebbles. She noticed some parents attending to little ones in strollers. Some of the moms could have been her age. Susan wondered if that would be her in a few years—pushing kids around in strollers, sitting up with them all night when they're sick, taking them to doctor appointments, driving them to and from school and soccer practice. For some damned reason she couldn't get images of fat thighs and minivans out of her mind when she thought of being a mom.

Deidara waved his hand in front of her face. "You awake over there?"

She snapped out of her ponderous daydream. "Yeah, I just lost contact with Earth for a minute."

He looked interestedly at her. "You're a very distracted person, hmm."

"I have a lot on my mind."

He shoved his hand into his pocket and took out a small wad of clay. "Care to unload onto another?"

She frowned at him. "Why do you even care?" He didn't answer. Instead he held his hand open so she could watch the mouth in his palm scoop the piece of clay up with its tongue and start chewing it as if it were a wad of gum.

"Can't you be nice to me for a change?" he asked her.

"Not when you're being suspiciously nice to me all the sudden," she said. "We don't even like each other."

"That's not true," he said. "I've decided I'm going to like you, hmm."

"You called me a bitch once," Susan said wryly.

"I said you were _bitchy_, hmm," said Deidara. "There's a difference."

She started walking ahead of him. "Not really."

He quickly paced ahead of her and turned so that he was walking backwards. He held his hands out so she could see little white butterflies perched on his fingers. "I'm sorry. Here's my peace offering, un." Susan stopped walking as the butterflies took flight. Deidara made a hand sign and uttered "Katsu!" The clay insects popped like firecrackers in midair, showering colorful sparks like mini fireworks.

He looked hopefully at her. "What do you think of my art?"

Susan raised her eyebrows and nodded her approval. "Very cool."

He smiled triumphantly and uttered a pleased "Hmm."

Susan couldn't help but laugh at the little quirk in his speech. "Hmm," she imitated as she started walking again, but the blond ninja stood his ground and blocked her way. She tried to step around him but he sidestepped into her path. He grinned mischievously at her.

"You better start walking," she warned him.

"Come here," he said, stepping closer to her.

She backed away from him. "What are you up to?" she asked suspiciously. He held his hands up, showing her the mouths on his palms. They opened, bearing their teeth in a grin and extending their tongues. He came forward with every step she took backwards. "Keep those away from me," she said tightly. I'm warning you. Don't touch me with those."

He smiled impishly and made to lunge at her—tongues first. "Oh, crap…" She turned around and broke into a run. Deidara chased her off the walking path and onto the grassy clearing by the woods. She knew he could easily outrun her—he was a ninja after all—but he seemed content to follow her frantic pace as she zigzagged around, trying to keep him from gaining on her. She looked over her shoulder and saw that there was minimal distance between them, Deidara's tongues taking up most of it as they continued to flick at her.

"If you think you're gonna French kiss me with those suckers, you're poorly mistaken!" she hollered at him.

He laughed delightedly. "If it's a kiss you want, why didn't you say so? Come here and I'll give you one you'll never forget!"

"Blow me, you maniac!" she yelled and started to run harder, but Deidara picked up speed and was almost on her when she made a sharp turn into the woods, hurtling over a fallen dead tree and landing on a blanket of dead leaves and weeds that scratched her poorly dressed feet. The front end of her flip-flop caught on a piece of fallen tree branch, ripping the plastic toe separator out of the foam sole and causing her to trip. She prepared herself to land on her face but instead she tumbled down an embankment of stony soil, her shirt catching and tearing on exposed tree roots until she landed flat on her ass at the bottom of a giant hole.

The impact jarred the vertebrae in her neck and she felt the pain as she looked up. She was in a hole that looked to be about eight feet wide and ten feet deep. Deidara stopped short and knelt down at the edge, peering down at her. "You okay?" he called down to her.

Susan hauled herself back onto her feet. "Aw, man," she groaned, resting her hands on his lower back and feeling her spine click in protest. "What the hell is this?"

"A hole."

"I know it's a hole!" she snapped. She turned around, scanning the wall until she spotted a smaller cavity in the earth. Susan got down on her hands and knees and looked inside. "There's a tunnel in here. It looks like it might be—" She was cut off as she turned around and her forehead collided with Deidara's chin. Bone hit bone and they both fell backwards, Susan clutching her sore head and Deidara rubbing his chin. "Give a little warning next time you approach someone! How the hell did you get down here so fast?" she asked waspishly.

He looked sourly at her and sat up. "Skill, un. What's your excuse for being so clumsy?"

"You're the one who just got head-butted in the chin for being _skillful_," she said, making air quotes with her fingers for the word "skillful".

"You bumped into _me_, hmm," he snapped.

"And I hope it hurt," she chided, sitting up on her knees. "If you hadn't gone all creepy and chased me around like a total fruit, we wouldn't be sitting in this hole right now."

"Will you stop being such a…" He stopped talking when he noticed the dangerous glint in her eye.

"If you say the B word, I will punch your lights out," she said with more restraint than she gave herself credit for. Deidara looked away from her and sighed like a man who had just been denied the opportunity to call her a bitch. She thought her threat had been effective, but she was surprised when he quickly got up and tackled her to the ground where he straddled her, pinning her underneath him. Susan folded her arms tightly against herself and ducked her head away from his hands as their tongues hovered close enough that she could feel their damp warmth on her face.

"This is no way to kiss a girl," she said, turning her head away as a tongue ran up the side of her face. "Ugh, man, do you ever brush _all_ your teeth?" The tongues retreated and Deidara planted his hands on either side of her, leaning down until his face was inches from hers. She could see the blue rings of his eyes and his hair falling over his shoulders as he smiled and dipped his head towards hers for a—

SMACK.

She facepalmed him not a second too soon before his lips could make contact with any part of her face. Hell if he was going to give her a freaky Frencher! They stayed frozen like that for a few moments, her palm covering his face until she decided she'd had enough of being pinned to the ground. "Get off me," she demanded.

Deidara jerked his head out of her facepalm hold. He looked a bit disappointed but not defeated. "Make me," he said, his smile returning.

"You really don't want that," she cooed at him.

He leaned closer to her and she prepared to slap him if he tried anything again. "I do _want _something, hmm," he practically purred, causing her to stifle a smile as she thought of an alternative method to get him off her.

"You're about to become very uncomfortable," she said.

His smile faded and his eyes widened as the gist of her words dawned on him. That and he must have noticed her other hand slipping between them, finding its way to his crotch. Susan watched his expression change as his cheeks started to darken and an instant sheen of sweat appeared on his face. His entire body went rigid at her touch—more specifically a certain part of his anatomy, which twitched against her fingers through the fabric of his jeans. She felt a little thrill pass through her like a tremor at his excitement.

"You look nervous," she said, smiling lasciviously at him. She was actually starting to enjoy this. He didn't know what to do with her now. "Are you sure you've done this before?" she asked him.

Deidara sucked in a breath as her hand pressed firmly against him. "I, uh…" He swallowed hard. "…Un." He wasn't moving. He wasn't even flinching away from her when she was hoping he would. Damn it. She removed her hand from his crotch and tried to wriggle out from under him—he was sitting on her like she was a miniature pony.

He still wouldn't let her get up.

She sighed and collapsed, trapped under his unmoving form. "I'm getting really sick of you," she said. "What do you want from me?"

He looked contemplatively at her for a moment or two. "Tell me what you think I want from you," he said, his tone serious.

"I think you want to shove your tongues down my throat for a laugh," she said. Her answer didn't seem to please him.

"Try again, hmm," he said doggedly.

"I don't know. You tell me," she said.

"I want you to smile at me like you mean it," he said. "How do I get you to do that?"

"You can't make me like you," she said.

"Why not?"

Susan shrugged. "You're only here temporarily," she said. "You're…" She paused before the wrong words could spill out of her mouth. He was just a cartoon character. He wasn't real. He shouldn't even have existed beyond ink and paper. "You'll have to go back to your home sometime. Chances are we won't know each other for much longer," she said.

Sighing, his determination seemed to fade and he looked away from her, glancing around as he suddenly noticing their surroundings. "We're in a hole, un."

Susan looked around. "We've already established that."

Deidara noticed the cavity in the earthen wall. "This is the entrance to a burrow."

"A giant rabbit burrow," said Susan. She looked at Deidara. "Let's get out of here."

He got up and headed toward the burrow entrance. Susan sat up. "Don't go in there!"

"I'm not going in, hmm," he said, kneeling down and poking his head into the hole. "I'm trying to find a chakra signature."

Susan waited fas he did his thing, whatever the hell it was he was doing. Suddenly Deidara got up and backed away from the hole. "What is it?" asked Susan. He turned to her and scooped her up in his arms, swinging her around and bounding up and out of the giant hole before she could think to protest. He landed on the ground and bolted as fast as he could into the air, taking giant leaps that made Susan's stomach flutter the way it did when a rollercoaster went down a huge drop. She wrapped her arms around his neck and hung on, shutting her eyes as the blond ninja continued his gazelle-like sprint through the woods.

Tap. Whoosh. Tap. Whoosh. His sandaled feet made subtle contact with the ground before he launched them back up in the air. To Susan, it felt a little like floating over large waves on the ocean. She cracked an eye open just as they were high in the air and quickly closed it.

"What was that all about?" she asked. "Did you sense something?"

"That thing is fucking evil, hmm," he said. "Leader was right."

"Right about what?" she asked.

"He said it wasn't your average summoning animal, hmm."

"How would he know? He didn't even see it," said Susan.

"He'll have to explain it to you sometime. Right now we should get as far away as possible because it was really pissed off that we were there, hmm."

Susan thought about what might have happened if they hadn't made a hasty retreat. She opened her eyes and looked behind them. "It's not chasing us, is it?" she asked.

He glanced down at her. "No."

He set her back down on her feet when they made it out of the woods, grabbing hold of her arm and pulling her in the direction of the parking lot. Susan jerked her arm out of his grasp and snapped that she could walk without his assistance. He rounded on her and blocked her way to the car.

"I just saved your ass again and you still treat me like I'm some kind of plague," he said.

"What do you want me to do, give you a hug and a kiss and call you honey?" she asked, shaking her head as she brushing by him.

He smiled and followed closely behind her. "That'd be a start, hmm."

She unlocked the car and they got in. She slammed her door and jammed the key in the ignition when Deidara's hand closed over her shoulder and he quickly turned her around and crushed his lips over hers. Her instinct to fight kicked in and she struggled, trying to free her arms, which were sort of trapped between them. She opened her mouth to utter a protest but that only made things worse for her as his mouth suctioned firmly to hers, deepening the kiss. She snapped her teeth shut as she felt his tongue slid past her lips. Susan made a snarling noise and shoved her arms against his chest with all her might, pushing him off her and slamming him against the passenger door.

She grabbed fistfuls of his shirt and pushed him down when he tried to move. "I said no!" she yelled. "What is wrong with you?"

"Nothing!" he yelled back. "What the fuck's wrong with _you?_"

"I don't like you!" she said. "Get it through that fuzzy little head of yours!"

She was so angry she was practically hyperventilating. Deidara wrapped his hands around her wrists and gently disengaged her hands from his shirt. She started to pull away when he stopped her. "Stay here," he commanded softly, sitting up and tugging on her wrists.

Susan sat still and stared at him for a few moments, studying the straight lines of his nose and the almond shape of his eyes. She swallowed hard, feeling the armrest and the sharp ridge of the cup holders pressing painfully against her hips as she remained where she was—stretched between the Honda's front seats and halfway onto the blond ninja. She didn't know why she listened to him. The heat inside the car was stifling, making her feel a little loopy as well as sweaty. A drop of perspiration dripped down her temple and a wayward piece of hair came un-tucked from behind her ear as she lowered her head and stared at Deidara's wrinkled shirt. It was one of Tim's old t-shirts, its rusty red slightly faded from so many trips in the washing machine.

Deidara reached up and tucked it back behind her ear before he reached behind her head to pull her hair out of its ponytail. It was still damp and fragrant from her shower. He ran his fingers through it, combing stray strands away from her face as it spilled over her shoulders. And then he smiled at her. Susan chewed her lip uncertainly.

"What do you think you're going to get out of this?" she asked him, the hostility fading from her voice.

"I don't know, hmm."

"Why me?" she asked.

His smile grew a little bigger. "I don't know, hmm."

She shook her head. "I think you do know."

"I don't know," he repeated, letting out a breathy chuckle. "I just like you, I guess."

Susan sighed and laid her hands on either side of his face, smooshing his cheeks slightly. "What am I gonna do with you?" she asked in mild frustration.

"I don't know," he said. He let out an odd giggle. "Anything you want, hmm."

"If you say 'I don't know' one more time I'm going to have to give you a reason," she said.

"Go ahead," he said, his eyes feverishly bright. "I. Don't. Know."

He was damn determined. No one had ever made such an effort to gain her attention. It felt a little like the first time she kissed a boy on the mouth. There was an intense pang of excitement at the newness of the situation and the feeling of being wanted. He had her attention. Oh, boy, did he have it. Her aggravation had melted into gratification at the hook of his tenaciousness. It actually excited her.

She leaned down and softly pressed her lips against his. He responded immediately, his head surging forward as he opened his mouth against hers. He seemed a little inexperienced, his kisses a little too wet, but she corrected him by pulling back and gently gripping his chin in her hand to slow him down. He leaned forward, searching for her mouth, but his hungry lips met her cheek as she leaned in and started whispering into his ear. He pulled her closer to him as she told him various things about herself and eventually she told him the embarrassing story of how she had lost her virginity. He laughed softly into her hair as she finished talking, prompting him to speak against she shell of her ear. He told her little things about himself as well. She became surprised and confused as he drifted into Japanese, but she didn't mind. She liked it. It was her grandmother's native language and her mother's second language.

Feeling uncomfortable in her current position, she decided to move. Deidara moved with her as she straddled him and he gripped the backs of her thighs, pulling her securely onto his lap. Susan reached behind him and cracked the window open so they could have some fresh air as his hands crept under her shirt. His fingers trailed up her sides to trace the underwire of her bra before they traveled back down, tickling her flesh into goose bumps and making Susan shiver. She looked down at him as she felt his hands slide over her belly, the distinct warmth of a tongue dipping into her naval. She shifted a little on his lap and he raised his hips to meet her movement, placing his hand behind her neck and pulling her to him for another kiss. His intention became more urgent as she threaded her hands into his hair and sighed into his mouth. Suddenly she paused and tore her lips away from his.

"The ice cream is melting," she said. Deidara was slightly stunned at her revelation.

"What?"

Susan sat up and looked toward the trunk of the car. "The groceries," she said. "We should get the groceries home."

He groaned and thumped his head against the window. "And here we were just starting to get to know each other, hmm," he said.

Susan started to climb off of him. "We need to tell your leader that we found the rabbit hole."

"Can't we just go back to doing what we were doing?" he asked, running his hand over her leg as she slid back into the driver's seat. Susan wiped her swollen lips and checked her appearance in the visor mirror. Her face was flushed. She looked fevered and unkempt from their trip through the woods.

"As much as I'd like to, I'm afraid we can't," she said. "Everyone's probably hungry and I have a few things to do." Like open that damned puzzle box she had forgotten about yet again.

When they arrived at her parents' house, Susan turned off the car and they sat in silence for a moment. She looked at Deidara and noticed that he seemed a little anxious. "So what now?" she asked him.

He looked at her and his mouth lifted into a mischievous smile. "I don't know, hmm."

She couldn't help but shiver at the memory of their make-out session at the park. "Don't get me started," she said.

"If I do, I wouldn't let stop," he said, his smile growing wider.

"Seriously, though. What is this?" she asked, gesturing between her and him.

He shrugged. "It is what it is, hmm."

Susan really had no idea what the hell they had going. It felt good regardless of its strangeness, but still. She made out with a fictional character, which was a little fucked up in her book.

"We should go inside," she said.

"Why don't we just stay here," he said, leaning toward her. Susan opened her door and got out of the car before he could fall upon her with kisses. She got an armful of groceries out of the trunk and quickly carried them into the house. She found Mark in the kitchen with Hidan, Kisame and Tobi. They were all in their swimming apparel, soaking wet from the pool. Susan set the grocery bags down on the counter and Mark looked her up and down.

"Why are you all dirty?" he asked.

"We took a little detour to the park and found the rabbit hole."

Hidan, Tobi and Kisame lifted their heads. "Seriously?" asked Hidan.

"Yup," said Susan.

Deidara set more grocery bags down on the counter. "She fell right into it, hmm," he said, smirking at her.

"Did you see the rabbit?" asked Mark.

"Nope," said Susan as she started putting food away. "But it was there. Who wants BLTs?"

"It's about fucking time. We're starving," said Hidan.

"Don't get your shorts in a knot. I'll fix lunch in a minute," said Susan. She took the leaky tub of softened chocolate ice cream and put it in the freezer. Eventually she did get to making lunch, toasting bread and slicing tomatoes and lettuce—she left the bacon out of Mark's sandwich, of course. Once fed, Mark, Kisame, Hidan and Tobi went back outside to the pool, leaving Susan in the kitchen with Deidara.

"Gonna go for a swim, hmm?" he asked her.

"Thinking about it," she said. "You?"

"If you are," he said. She sensed the undertone of suggestion in his voice.

She finished wiping off the counter and tossed the dishrag into the sink. "I'll get my suit on," she said, heading for the stairs.

Deidara already had his shirt off.

* * *

Okay, first off I wasn't planning on pairing Susan with anyone. I still don't feel comfortable with calling it a pairing because I don't even know where the hell it's gonna go. It just kind of happened. As for Susan's dreams about Itachi, all will be revealed in due time. Robert is not totally out of the picture and more will be learned about Tim. Things are going to get very, very interesting from here on out.

Review if you like lemons! If you don't, then review anyway. We'll find out what's inside the puzzle box next chapter.

Later!


	13. The Truth Comes Out

Hello, all!

It seems things have taken a weird turn all the sudden. Something had to upset the rhythm of the story and this thing with Susan and Deidara just played out without any real promises. It feels risky to be doing OC/Akatsuki pairings because it could put a damper on the story, which is not what I want at all. I know this pairing thing was a real curve ball to some readers and I'm going to be perfectly honest by saying that I am not a Deidara fan (not that I don't think he's cool or anything but my favorite is Sasori hands down), but since Deidara seems to come across as a mischievous character, I think his little fling with Susan will have interesting and possibly disastrous results, which could of course bring more comedy to the story.

Anyway, I feel like things did seem a bit weird in the last chapter and I apologize for scaring anyone. -_- Yeah, I reread it and some of the stuff is strange, but it will make for good jokes in the future. I promise.

Disclaimer: I don't own rights to Naruto or its characters. The OCs are mine, mine, mine. **Warning! **There is nudity in this chapter, but it's not what you think. Nothing graphic. I'm not that perverted. Enjoy!

* * *

Chapter 13

The Truth Comes Out

Susan knew she was being followed up the stairs. Deidara wasn't being quiet about it. He wanted her to know that he was following her, or maybe he just didn't care if she heard him or not. She looked over her shoulder at him and saw that he had taken his shirt off, the odd tattoo on the left side of his chest exposed. Now that she knew what it really was, she thought the design looked a little like a mouth—_A big, gaping mouth._ She almost tripped on the steps as a terrible realization started to sink in: she was acting like a total idiot.

Susan trotted up the stairs a little faster and hurried down the hallway, Deidara following right behind her, until they reached her bedroom door and she turned around, blocking his way to her room with her arm across the doorway. "Where do you think you're going?" she asked him.

"To your room, hmm."

She stepped in his way when he tried to duck under her arm. "For what?"

He smiled suggestively at her. "You know what."

Her eyes widened as a mental image of what he was suggesting popped into her brain. She quickly grabbed the doorknob and closed the door behind her. "Oh, you're kidding me," she said. "You don't seriously think I'd let you into my room so we could…" She struggled to get the words out but it was too outrageous for her to even verbalize. She shook her head and fought the urge to scratch her eyes out in frustration before she threw her arms up in the air and slapped them back down at her sides. "No! Do you have any idea what the hell we're getting ourselves into?" She didn't even know what the hell she had gotten herself into. She shouldn't have let her idiotic impulses take control like that. A hammer came down on her brain, banging out the word, Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

Deidara didn't seem fazed by her words. He leaned into her and she pressed her back against the door. "If you're worried about getting caught, everyone's outside," he said, his breath tickling her neck. With her heart beating hard and her hands balled into fists, it took every ounce of strength for Susan not to grab him by the neck and shake some sense into him.

"We made a big mistake," she said. He had a hold of her shirt and was trying to pull it up when she grabbed the hem and yanked it back down, saying, "You're acting like…like this is some sort of fun game, chasing me around. This isn't fun and it certainly isn't a game. It wouldn't work out anyway because we're not even from the same dimension and I already have a boyfriend!"

He backed off a little, the mirth draining from his face. "You're going to stay with him?"

Susan was about to answer when her cell phone started ringing. She grabbed it out of her pocket and saw that Robert was calling. She smiled ruefully. "Speak of the devil." Deidara frowned at her and she opened the door behind her. "I have to take this," she said, backing into her room and closing the door on his partially puzzled and—if she wasn't mistaken—partially scorned expression.

"Robert," she answered.

"Susan, I—"

"If you're calling to continue our fight, I'm just going to hang up," said Susan.

"Don't hang up." In an instant she recognized the apologetic tone in his voice and her heart skipped a beat. "I want to tell you something about yesterday," he said.

Susan sat down on the bed and kicked off her flip-flops. "You have sixty seconds so make it good." She heard a small chuckle on the other end of the line.

"Sixty seconds. You're always such a hard-ass when you're angry," said Robert, a hint of sad amusement in his voice.

"Fifty-five seconds," said Susan.

"The things I said to you yesterday…I'm sorry," said Robert. "I was angry with you. I was so angry that I wasn't thinking straight and I know I said some things to hurt you…"

Susan looked at the engagement ring sitting on her nightstand. "You shouldn't have done what you did," she said. "I kept what happened with the baby a secret because I didn't want it to hurt you and I didn't want you to worry. But I guess I screwed it up anyway." She looked at the floor. "I just want you to know that the baby _was_ important to me. I wouldn't have terminated the pregnancy. Chances were I would have kept it even if you didn't want it."

"If you would have told me…"

Susan nodded but then she realized he couldn't see it. "I wanted to, but I was afraid. I was a coward, Robert."

"You're not a coward," said Robert. "The bottom line is I'm the one who fucked up here."

"Yeah, you did," said Susan and she let out a nervous chuckle. "We both fucked up."

"Look, I understand if you think we can't fix things," said Robert. "I just wanted to say how fucking sorry I am. I love you, you know."

Susan closed her eyes felt tears prickling behind her eyelids. "You can have the ring back, Robert."

"You keep it," he said. "Do whatever you want with it. It's no big deal to me."

She knew it wasn't meant to be a scathing comment, but it made her feel bad. She didn't want the ring and she couldn't even think about pawning it. "You need to take the ring back. We can't go back to the way things were and I can't keep it if I can't wear it," she said.

"That's fine, but on one condition. I don't want you to vanish from my life completely," said Robert.

"We were friends first," said Susan. "You helped me accomplish so much and I don't want you to think that I've forgotten about that, but I can't forgive you for what you did. I've been fucked over too many times in the past and it's just…"

"Have you found someone else?"

"What?"

"Those guys I saw at your apartment yesterday. Are you…_with_ any of them?"

Susan thought of Deidara and cringed. "No," she said. "No, I'm not with any of them. They're just…friends."

"Okay." He didn't sound convinced. Susan bristled at his tone but she held her tongue, feeling ashamed of herself.

"Listen, Rob, I have to go. It's my day off and I'm spending it with Mark. He's…we've kind of been losing touch lately," she said. She was using it as an excuse to get off the phone but it was also the truth. She needed to talk to Mark about some things, namely about his being overly chummy with their outlandish houseguests.

Her little thing with Deidara had scared her and she was afraid that her actions with him would cause more trouble than she was entitled to. If her little brother found out about it, well, being the smart kid that he was, Mark would probably try to capitalize on her hypocrisy. After all, she was the one who warned him that neither of them should form any kind of attachment to the Akatsuki members. Susan had crossed a line with Deidara and despite how pleasant those few moments in the car with him had been, it was a foolish thing to do and she felt like a total idiot for leading him on like that.

She rested her hand over her eyes. "Robert?"

"Yeah."

"…I'm sorry, too."

There was a long pause before he spoke. "If you don't want the ring, then I can come by sometime today and pick it up," he said.

"Robert…"

"It's inconvenient, I know, but I think I ought to just swing by and get it before I lose my nerve," said Robert.

Susan hesitated, biting her lip before she spoke again. "Well, I'm at my parents' house right now…" She looked at the clock and saw that it was a little after three. "I don't know, Robert. I don't think that's such a good idea." It really wasn't, not when her parents' house was overrun with ninjas. She didn't know how she was going to explain that to Robert.

"I'll only be there for a minute," said Robert. "I can wait outside if you want."

With a sigh, Susan finally agreed. "Okay, but I don't think my brother wants to see you, so it would be best if you didn't come inside anyway."

"That's fine," said Robert. "I'll be there in an hour. Is that okay?"

"Fine," said Susan. "Goodbye, Robert."

"…Bye."

Susan hung up and lost her composure, folding her legs up and touching her forehead to her knees. She gasped for air, feeling like she had just run the hundred-meter dash. So this was it. This was what it felt like to have a nervous breakdown. Here she was halfway out of a shitty breakup with Robert and she was screwing around with an imaginary ninja with a bomb fetish. More fuck-up pie, anyone?

"Oh, fuck. What the hell is my problem?" she groaned. _"Idiot! You're an idiot!"_ her inner self screamed. She uncurled herself and fell back onto the bed, landing on her bathrobe and knocking her head against the wooden object stowed in its pocket. Susan sat up and dragged the robe onto her lap, pulling the puzzle box out. She shook it lightly, listening to the dull jingling of the object inside. Procrastination and self-deprecation would have to take a backseat. She was going to open the puzzle box even if she had to take a chainsaw to it.

After making sure Deidara wasn't hanging around outside her door, Susan went down to the basement and found the toolbox Sasori had borrowed. She opened it and found a hammer. She set the puzzle box down on the floor and struck it somewhat gently—she needed to be careful or else she'd risk breaking the object inside—until it cracked. She dug her fingernails into the crack and pried it open. It came apart in two halves and a necklace fell out. Susan picked it up and looked at it. A pendant made of polished blue stone the size of a silver dollar hung on the oily brass chain. It looked to have been cut by hand into a teardrop shape. The stone bore very small, carved Japanese symbols, which she of course could not read. The stone appeared to have an inner glow, too.

"What are you doing?"

Susan looked up at Sasori in surprise. "I, uh…I found something," she said, holding up the necklace. He knelt down across from her and she handed it to him. "There's writing on the pendant. I can't make out what it says."

Sasori held it up and examined it. "_Tanjou_."

"What's _tanjou_?" she asked.

He looked at her. "It's just one word. It means 'birth'."

Susan frowned. "Birth?"

"Or creation," said Sasori. He traced his thumb over the pendant and his eyebrows knit together. "Strange. It's resonating with chakra." He looked at her. "Where did you get this?"

"It was inside a puzzle box," said Susan. "I got it from my grandmother's antique shop and gave it to Mark as a birthday present. He was messing with it in the living room four days ago and said that he saw something glowing inside of it right before you guys appeared in our house." She picked up a piece of the puzzle box. "We couldn't get it open for the longest time and I finally just had to break it."

Sasori draped the necklace over his hand. "Perhaps Leader should have a look at this."

Susan agreed and she followed Sasori outside. As they walked by the swimming pool, she saw Deidara in the water with Kisame and Hidan. With a nervous pang in her stomach, she did her best to ignore him when he spotted her. Deidara was so absorbed in watching Susan that he didn't notice Hidan creep up behind him until the Jashinist jumped on his shoulders and gave him a violent dunking. Mark laughed from his spot by the edge of the pool as the blond surfaced and immediately retaliated with a stinging splash of water in Hidan's face.

"Ah! Fuck, that shit burns, you fucker!" Hidan yelled and rubbed his eyes.

"Aw, shut up and grow a pair," said Kisame, placing his hand on Hidan's head and shoving him under the water.

"Look out, Kisame-san!" yelled Tobi as he sprang off the deck and somersaulted high in the air. Kisame quickly moved out of the way before Hidan surfaced in his place. Tobi landed right on top of him, creating a huge splash. Hidan broke the surface with a loud gasp.

"Tobi, you motherfucker! I'm going to kill you!" he raged and dove after the masked ninja, who was dogpaddling away.

"Fucking asshole, un," Deidara grumbled, casting a dirty glance at Hidan as he waded over by Mark. He draped his arms over the side of the pool and peered at Susan as she and Sasori were talking to Pain. Mark noticed the sulky expression on his face.

"What's up?" he asked, turning around and folding his arms over the edge of the pool next to Deidara. The blond didn't answer and Mark poked Deidara in the arm. "Hey."

Deidara looked at Mark. "Huh?"

"You look bummed," said Mark.

Deidara rested his chin on the edge of the pool, looking disinterested. "I don't know what you're talking about, un." The blond ninja's eyes drifted back over to Susan and Mark wondered why Deidara was staring at his sister like that. Probably because he got into another quarrel with her again, thought Mark. They didn't hit it off well with that fight in the laundry room and since then Deidara had been gnawing at Susan's nerves on purpose.

"Did you piss my sister off again?" Mark asked.

Deidara sighed through his nose, his eyes growing small as he looked at Susan. "You could say that, un."

Meanwhile, Susan and Sasori were waiting for a verdict from Pain. He looked up from his examination of the necklace and spoke to Susan. "Your grandmother had this in her possession?"

"It actually belonged to my grandpa," said Susan. "He brought it back from a trip abroad."

"Where?" Pain asked.

Susan swallowed hard. "Japan."

His eyes narrowed and he looked at the pendant. "This is a lodestone."

"That can't be right," said Susan, looking puzzled. "That's a magnetized rock?"

"There's a definite energy pull coming from it," said Sasori. "Like it's feeding off of our chakras."

"That's what this lodestone is for. It specifically attracts chakra," said Pain. "Only I haven't seen such a large piece." He looked at Sasori. "Each of our rings contains a cut of lodestone. Its attraction of chakra creates an elemental field of correlation between all of us within a certain mile radius."

"The question is what part does it play in transporting us across dimensions," said Sasori.

Pain looked at Konan and the female ninja gave him a slight nod. The Akatsuki leader closed his eyes for a moment and turned to Sasori. "Gather everyone together," he said. "I'm calling a meeting."

^.^ ^.^ ^.^ ^.^

Deep in the earth, Usagi grew restless. The walls were becoming too confining. It had sensed the presence of two intruders—the woman and the blond ninja that had driven Usagi away from the house the night before—at the mouth of its burrow. Usagi could smell the lingering scents they left behind. Its nose sorted out the woman's floral perfume and perspiration heavy with the pheromone of lust—the virulent scent of sexual excitement mingling with the blond ninja's olfactory imprint. Usagi snarled at the thought of two humans coupling. It was all they seemed to be good at besides fighting and killing.

Usagi was the only one of its kind. Its origin was a mystery and it possessed no gender with which to distinguish its self by. There seemed to be no need, no reason to reproduce. But there was still a possibility…

It could learn how to create new life and start a cycle after spending hundreds of years in solitude. Usagi thought of the woman, the children playing in the park, the smell of new skin. All the memories of the lives it had consumed brought on the change. Something was growing within, like fruit forming on a vine. Usagi shut its eyes and drifted off in the darkness. Soon it would no longer have to endure the world alone.

^.^ ^.^ ^.^ ^.^

"We were transported here by a fucking rock?" said Hidan.

The Akatsuki, Mark and Susan were all gathered in the living room. Susan was sitting in the armchair and Mark sat on the couch between Kisame and Deidara while the others either sat on the floor or stood.

"We explained it to you already," said Sasori, stepping over to where Hidan sat cross-legged on the floor. "The lodestone somehow created a dimensional portal using our collective chakras."

"Your theory does not explain much," said Itachi. "How could a stone have absorbed our chakras from across time and space and formed a portal?"

Sasori looked at Pain, who in turn stepped forward. "It was a jutsu that triggered our transference to this world," said Pain.

"What kind of jutsu would that be?" asked Kisame.

"A transportation jutsu of high difficulty," said Pain. "I performed it myself."

"_You_ transported us here?" said Kakuzu.

"Why?" snapped Hidan.

"It was not my intention to transfer us to this dimension," said Pain. "This jutsu has never been performed before. It requires the skills of one who can generate and control a tremendous amount of chakra in order to open up portals leading to other dimensions." He paused and straightened back his shoulders. "My abilities far exceed that requirement." He didn't sound boastful, but Susan thought he might have been tooting his own horn just a little.

"So you opened up a dimensional portal using our chakras and tossed everyone into it," said Kakuzu.

"Seven to be more precise," said Pain. "I opened six portals that leaked enough cosmic energy to sustain a seventh, which somehow caused us—each of us with a piece of lodestone in his or her possession—to dematerialize in our world and materialize in this one." He held up the necklace. "This lodestone was the conductor connected to that seventh portal. It determined our arrival in this exact location."

Kisame looked at Itachi, who was sitting on the floor in front of the couch. "That would explain the sudden energy drain we felt right before we got here. No wonder I felt so hungry afterwards."

"Wait a minute," growled Kakuzu. He stood up and crossed his arms over his chest, glaring at Pain. "Are you telling us that we _accidentally_ landed here because _you_ were testing out a new jutsu?"

Pain's eyes narrowed challengingly. "Yes."

Everyone just stared at the Akatsuki leader. Susan looked at Mark and he shook his head as if to say, _I have no fucking idea what's going on here. _

"Well, this is just fucking great," said Hidan. "Don't tell me we're trapped in this shitty dimension." Susan and Mark glared at him.

"In the last few days we've been here, I've figured out how to reverse the jutsu," said Pain. "It will take all ten of us to do it. Before we came here, I obtained another lodestone that can be used as a conductor to connect a portal to our home world. You will all have to expend a large amount of your chakra reserves to power it." He looked at Kisame. "Especially yours, Kisame, since you seem to have a monstrously large amount of it."

"So we lend you our chakras and then leave the rest to you," said Kisame.

"I will open the portal," said Pain. "But before we do that, we have to find the creature and deal with it."

"You said it's a summoning animal," said Sasori. "Who summoned it and where exactly was it summoned from?"

"I can only speculate that it came through one of the six portals I created to form the seventh. Most likely it was drawn out by my chakra," said Pain.

Mark looked at the floor and chewed his thumbnail. According to the manga, the Six Paths of Pain could each open a portal to a different realm. The killer rabbit could have come from the Animal Realm, which meant that Nagato had used all six Pains to open those portals in the Naruto world. Having a high amount of chakra according to Zetsu, the rabbit somehow must have accidentally gotten transferred to the real world along with the ninjas after it had been summoned. Mark looked at Pain. "Are you going to send the rabbit back to your world?"

"No," said Pain. "It will have to be destroyed immediately."

Mark frowned. "Why? Aren't summoning animals valuable to you?"

There was a long pause before Pain answered. "This creature is the last of its species," he said. "With good reason."

"What's the reason?" asked Susan.

"My past dealings with the creature have been less than favorable," said Pain. "It is a being specifically summoned for aid in battle with nothing less than deadly results." He looked at Konan before his eyes scanned every face around the room. "As a result, it harbors nothing but hatred for human kind, particularly ninjas, for utilizing its strength and ferocity to fight battles that otherwise are of no personal concern to it. It is capable of mass slaughter and much more if it acquires enough strength to transform."

Susan didn't like where this was going at all. "You don't mean…"

Pain bowed his head slightly. "What you saw was not its true form."

Susan squinted and shook her head as if to clear the cobwebs out of her brain. "I'm not following you. If it's not a rabbit, then what is it?"

"It's a chimera," said Pain. "A creature that splices and imitates the tissues it consumes. If it has fed on enough flesh, it can change forms at will."

Susan looked over at Mark and her eyes met the confounded looks of Deidara and Kisame as well. Mark looked at his feet, thinking about a fire-breathing composite creature from Greek mythology. "It's a monster," he said quietly.

"There's no such thing as monsters, kid," said Kisame. He looked at Pain. "If this thing likes to eat, maybe we should give it something it can't chew," he said, slipping a kunai out of his pocket and spinning it by the loop on its handle.

"Fucking-A-right!" said Hidan, standing up and slapping Susan hard on the back, knocking the wind out of her and causing her to expel an audible wheeze. "Let's give this fucker something it can choke on!"

"We still have sufficient time before nightfall," said Pain. "I suggest we eat and rest up before we go out there." He looked at Deidara. "Since you know where the creature's burrow is, you will take us to it when we arrive at the park." Deidara nodded and snuck a sidelong glance at Susan.

Susan frowned and chewed her lip. She couldn't let them go out there alone. They would need a lookout in case they were seen by anyone. So many things could go wrong if she let a bunch of ninjas roam around the neighborhood unsupervised. "I'm going with you," she said. "You guys need someone who can watch your backs in case the cops come or something goes wrong." She looked around at the others and noticed Deidara looking intently at her.

Pain looked at Mark. "We'll take the boy with us as well," he said. "We may need assistance from both of you to navigate the outside world and exercise crowd control should the battle move to a more populated area."

Susan looked wide-eyed at him. "The battle?"

"I anticipate that it will pose a public threat once we confront it," said Pain. "We can't avoid a fight."

Mark looked at Susan. "If you're going, I'm going."

"You're staying home," said Susan. "You're not going to get dragged into this."

"What if something happens to you?" said Mark. "I can be your backup in case you get hurt or arrested for trespassing or…" He looked around at the others, his eyes lingering on the kunai in Kisame's hand. "…Destruction of park property."

Susan bunched her eyebrows together. "You can't go and that's final."

Tobi stepped forward. "Susan-san, Tobi will keep an eye on Mark-san while we're there. Tobi is a good watcher."

Zetsu came forward and looked at Susan. "We will watch over you," he said. "**If there is any sign of danger, we can provide protection**."

Mark raised his arms. "You see? We'll be hanging out with Tobi and Zetsu the whole time."

"No. You're not going. End of discussion," said Susan.

"The boy goes with us," said Pain with strong finality in his voice. "There is no need for you to be overly concerned at this point. We don't know what lies in store yet."

"You're damn right I'm concerned. I'm concerned about _you_ guys causing a public threat and getting us in trouble," said Susan. "People could get hurt or worse if you start fighting in public."

"It can't be helped, Susan-san," said Sasori. "We will try to dispose of it as quickly as we can. Someone will be looking out for your safety in the meantime."

Konan came up beside Pain and her amber eyes settled on Susan. "Have confidence in us. Discretion is as much our concern as it is yours," she said.

Susan hung her head, rubbing the tension ache that had formed at the back of her neck. She still didn't trust them. Promises coming from members of a criminal organization were full of nothing but air as far as she was concerned. She looked at Mark; his wellbeing was her responsibility and no one else's, but she knew there would be times when she couldn't be there for him. Susan stood up and approached Tobi. "You said you'd take care of Mark if something goes wrong and I'll accept your offer on one and only one condition," she said. "I don't want so much as a scratch on his head. I've lost one brother and I don't think I can bear to lose another."

Tobi placed his hands together palm-over-fist and bowed slightly. "Tobi's a good boy. Tobi won't let anything bad happen to Mark-san," he said, his voice a few octaves lower than usual. Susan looked at the eyehole in his mask thought she saw a luminous red eye peering back at her.

"Okay," she said quietly, nodding her head before she turned and left the room. Mark watched her leave and he felt something tug at his heart a little. A nudge in the shoulder made him turn to Deidara.

"What happened to your brother?" he asked.

Mark looked at the floor. "He was killed in an explosion. A bomb went off next to his convoy during a military tour of duty overseas."

"What, you mean he was a soldier?" asked Deidara.

Mark nodded, keeping his eyes down. "Yeah," he said. Deidara lowered his eyes and turned his hands over, uncurling his fingers as he looked at the grinning mouths on his palms. Itachi turned and looked at Mark, a deep crease forming between his eyebrows as he stared contemplatively at the boy.

"That's a shitty way to go," said Kisame. He looked at Deidara and grinned slightly. "Right, Deidara?" Deidara grumbled in irritation and left the room.

Hidan stretched with a loud groan and scratched his bare chest. "Well, I don't know about you sad sacks but I'm gonna go get a fucking tan while it's still daylight out."

"If you sit in the sun for another hour, you're going to look like a roasted turkey," said Mark.

Kisame snickered. "More like a boiled lobster."

Hidan turned his nose up in the air. "Whatever. I've got to get rid of these tan lines," he said, loosening the drawstring of his shorts as he strolled out of the room.

Mark and Kisame looked at one another with raised eyebrows. "Tan lines?" said Mark.

Susan was in the kitchen getting a glass of ice water when Deidara came around the corner. She turned around and jumped when she saw him, nearly spilling water all over her shirt. They stared at each other for a few moments before Hidan strolled by on his way to the patio door. Susan noticed the pink beginnings of sunburn on his back and shoulders and, well, everywhere.

"Need some suntan lotion there, chief?" she asked him.

He turned to her with a raised eyebrow. "Why?"

Susan made a dismissive gesture. "Never mind," she said and watched the Jashinist head outside, probably to go work on a third degree sunburn. "He's gonna be hurting tomorrow," she murmured.

"How about that swim?" asked Deidara.

Susan sipped her water and leaned against the counter. "Not really in the mood anymore," she said casually. Deidara looked slightly irritated and was about to say something when Pain and Konan entered the room.

"Where are our uniforms?" Pained asked Susan.

"They're all folded on top of the dryer in the laundry room," she said. "Are you going to wear them tonight?"

"We can't fight in these clothes," said Konan, indicating the pair of lavender jogging shorts she was wearing.

Susan nodded. "Gotcha." She understood that as ninjas, they must have had Gumby-like flexibility and normal civilian clothing probably wouldn't withstand the strain of their crazy kung fu moves. God forbid any of them should accidentally split their pants while attempting to do a mid-air karate kick.

"I suggest that you wear dark clothing tonight," said Pain. "That way you will blend in with your surroundings."

Susan nodded again, looking down into her glass. "Right."

"Understand that there is no backing out now," said Pain. "You'll have to follow my instructions and do exactly as _I_ say from here on out."

Susan looked at him and frowned. "What do you mean?"

"You're stubborn, but you cannot fight and your efforts to protect yourself will make no difference if you find yourself unprotected and in harm's way," said Pain. "Follow my orders and you'll have a better chance of staying alive."

His words startled Susan. "You make it sound like things could get really hairy once we meet this thing face-to-face," she said.

Pain narrowed his eyes at her. "They will if you don't pay attention to your environment and do what myself and the others tell you to do."

Deidara frowned at his leader. "What are you planning, un?"

Pain looked at his subordinate. "I'm going to make sure that the fight is on our terms. We're going to lure the creature out into the open and strike before it knows what's coming."

"You're going to set a trap," said Susan.

"Yes," said Pain.

"How are we going to do it?" asked Deidara.

Pain paused and then looked over his shoulder as if he had sensed something. He stayed frozen like that for a few moments, listening to something Susan couldn't hear. She was about to ask what was wrong when he turned to her and spoke. "Are you expecting any visitors?" he asked, sounding none-too-pleased with her. The doorbell rang and Susan suddenly remembered that Robert had arrived to collect the ring.

"That's just Robert," she said, setting her glass down on the counter before squeezing by Deidara and Pain. She felt Deidara's hand brush obviously against her side and she quickly turned to look at the ninjas. "I, uh…he's here to pick something up. He'll only be here for a minute," she said.

Pain glared at her. "Do not let him into the house."

Susan felt her temper rise at his authoritativeness. He made it sound as if he owned the place. "He's not coming inside," she said and turned to leave. She found the other Akatsuki members were still sitting in the living room with Mark. They were all looking warily at the front door and Susan paused when Kisame spoke up.

"Who is that?" he asked suspiciously.

"Robert's here to pick something up," said Susan. "You guys probably shouldn't be out here because if he sees you…well, if he sees you, just act…normal."

The ninjas all looked at each other and Mark got up from the couch, taking his cue to usher them out of the living room and out of sight. When they were gone, Susan proceeded to the door and opened it to reveal Robert on the doorstep.

"Hi," she said.

"Hey," said Robert. He was wearing a light blue polo shirt and khaki shorts, his hands stuffed into his pockets. He looked like he had been out golfing, which was one of his pastime obsessions. "I'll just make this quick and be on my way," he said.

Susan leaned against the door and realized she didn't have the ring on her. "Um, I have to go get the ring. I'll be right back," she said and made to close the door.

"Can I come in for just a minute?" he asked. "It's kind of a scorcher out here and we ran out of water out on the course today."

Susan tucked her hair behind her ear nervously. "Um, that's not a good idea. Mark's kind of mad at you, remember? Tell you what, I'll get the ring and bring you a glass of water."

He gave her an odd look but nodded his head. "Okay. I'll just be…out here, baking in the sun." He gave her a slightly sarcastic smile and Susan stifled a frustrated sigh.

"Hold on, don't melt," she said quickly and closed the door. She raced up the stairs, nearly smacking into Itachi, who quickly swiveled out of the way so that she merely brushed by him, and Susan jogged to her room and got the ring. She shoved it into her pocket and headed back downstairs, nearly stepping on the Uchiha's toes as she passed him at the bottom of the stairs. Pain and Konan were still in the kitchen and they watched her suspiciously as she swiped her glass of ice water off the counter before turning to leave, but Deidara was standing in her way. Judging from the look on his face, he wasn't thrilled about her visitor. She looked down at the floor and hurried by him, nearly tripping over Itachi once again before she got to the front door.

Robert had wandered to the driveway and was leaning up against his car, waiting for her. Susan handed him the glass of water and he quickly drained it. He sighed in relief as he lowered the glass and wiped the sweat off his upper lip with the back of his hand.

"Thanks," he said. Susan nodded and looked down at her hands. Robert looked curiously at her. "You look stressed out," he said. "Is something going on?"

Susan shook her head. "Just doing some yard work. Pulling weeds and whatnot."

"Mark must think I'm the scum of the universe, huh?" said Robert.

Susan shrugged. "He's not happy with you, is all I can say."

Robert sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. "I feel like shit for doing this, but I just wanted to see you and…" He trailed off as he looked up and his eyes suddenly grew very wide. "Holy shit…"

Susan turned around, trying to figure out what he was looking at when something caught her eye. It was a pair of very pale, very _flat _butt cheeks glowing brilliantly in the afternoon sun.

"Susan, why is there a naked man on your roof?" asked Robert.

The man was indeed naked, the tan lines from where his swim trunks _should have been_ visible against his overly pink sun-exposed areas. That man was none other than Hidan, standing in a classic Superman pose with his legs spread wide and his hands planted on his sculpted hips. Susan's mouth fell open when he turned around, shamelessly exposing the rest of himself to the world. He looked down at them and stopped grinning.

"What the fuck is fuckface doing here?" he called down to her.

Susan quickly put her hand in front of her face to block the horrible sight from view. "Get off the roof!"

"Fuckface?" Robert turned to Susan. "What the hell is going on here, Susan?"

Susan looked at Robert, her jaw working up and down, but she was totally at a loss for words. "I…"

Robert looked at Hidan and squinted. "That's one of the guys I saw in your apartment. Why the hell is he naked on the roof?"

"He's…"

Robert looked angrily at her. "I knew it! You're screwing that guy, aren't you?"

"I'm not screwing anyone!" she said.

The front door opened and Deidara stepped outside in nothing but his swimming trunks. Robert looked over at the blond ninja and his face went red with heightened fury. He looked at Susan and raised his arms to gesture furiously at Deidara, who was standing on the front door stoop looking displeased.

"Susan, I can't believe you," said Robert. "I can maybe understand you wanting to see other people right now, but having naked orgies in your _parents'_ house?"

"Will you stop jumping to conclusions!" snapped Susan. "You should know me well enough to know that I don't do crap like that!"

"Then explain why there's a naked guy on your roof and another half-naked guy standing over there." Robert pointed a finger at Deidara. Susan looked at the blond ninja and he looked sourly back at her.

"Hey, when's dinner?" Hidan yelled from the roof.

Robert was on the verge of hysterics. "Susan…"

"Excuse me for a second, Robert." Susan started running toward the house. "Stay right there while I go deal with this!"

"Invite your _boyfriend_ over for a swim, hmm?" Deidara asked scornfully as she passed him. Susan gave him a dirty look and ran into the house. Everyone else was gathered around the table in the dining room when she entered. Kisame seemed to be the first one to notice her sweaty appearance.

"Where's the fire?" he asked.

Out of breath, Susan paused and jerked a thumb over her shoulder. "Is anyone aware that Hidan is naked and frolicking on the roof right now?"

"Kakuzu," said Pain, casting a serious glare at Kakuzu.

Everyone looked at the grouchy ninja, who shut his cloudy green eyes and knit his eyebrows together tightly, half growling and half sighing. "Every goddamn time…" He got up and exited through the patio door.

Kisame grinned and got up from his seat. "This I've got to see."

"Dude, wait for me," said Mark. He jumped up and followed the shark man into the yard where they joined Kakuzu. From their vantage point, they all had an unfortunately decent view of Hidan's unclothed behind and more.

"Aw, God!" Mark quickly looked away and covered his eyes with his hands. "I was not prepared for that…"

"Does he do this often?" Kisame asked Kakuzu.

"He's from a village where people run around without clothes all the time so yes, he does," said Kakuzu. "He's walking proof that you don't have to be drunk to be stupid."

"I guess it's as the saying goes, 'Stupid is as stupid does'," said Mark, peeking through his fingers.

"Get down from there, you idiot!" Kakuzu snarled at his partner.

Hidan turned around and gave him the finger. "Fuck off."

"Get down off there before I break your fucking neck!" said Kakuzu.

"Get bent, grandpa!"

"Why you little son of a...!" Infuriated, Kakuzu extended his arm and several tendrils of thread slithered out of the seam in his wrist. They shot straight up to the roof and wrapped around Hidan's ankles, lifting him upside down.

"Hey, what the crap?" yelled the disgruntled Jashinist as Kakuzu lowered him off the roof and dangled him above the pool.

"You're an embarrassment to ninjas everywhere," said Kakuzu. He dropped his partner into the pool and the impact created loud slap and a massive splash. Moments later Hidan crawled out of the water and lay face-down on the deck, his back a burning red landing point from where it had slapped the surface of the water. As Kakuzu, Kisame and Mark came over to observe him, they saw that he was nearly frozen in pain.

"Fuckin' ouch…" Hidan wheezed against the deck floor.

"Serves you right," said Kakuzu. "What the fuck were you doing up there anyway?"

Hidan looked up at his partner with pain-glazed eyes. "Getting some sun on my ass. It's no good to have an uneven tan."

"I think your buns are pretty well toasted," said Mark. "The rest of you…well, you're looking a little extra crispy."

Susan rushed over to them and threw a towel over Hidan. "What the hell?" she asked. "What was all that about?"

Hidan sat up, holding his sore back with one hand and clutching the towel to him with the other. "I was getting a tan. Doesn't anyone understand the importance of an even tan around here?"

"Did you know you could get arrested for indecent exposure around here?" said Susan. "I don't think anyone saw you, but if you _were_ seen, someone probably already called the cops."

Mark looked at Susan and then looked behind her. "Hey, what about Rob?" he asked.

"He's in the front yard and he's very pissed off about—" Susan was cut off by a scream that came from inside the house. Panicked, she ran down the steps and into the house. What she saw happening in the kitchen almost made her drop to her knees in shock.

Robert was standing in the kitchen across from Itachi. He stood paralyzed with wide eyes, his body shaking as if he were in the throes of a seizure. His mouth hung open and a string of saliva dribbled from the corner of his mouth. Robert was looking right at Itachi and as Susan came closer and rounded on them, she saw that Itachi had his red eyes trained on Robert's, the commas in his eyes shifting slowly, changing shape. She realized that he was using his Sharingan on Robert.

"Stop it!" she yelled, grabbing Robert by the shoulders and turning him away from Itachi. He immediately snapped out of his seized state when she touched him, but his body went limp and his eyes rolled back into his head as he collapsed. Susan held onto him, trying to hold him up and soften his landing, but he fell on her and they both went down like a sack of potatoes. Susan turned him over and laid her fingers on his neck, feeling around for a pulse until she found one. It was slowing down but not to the point of stopping. She looked up at Itachi, who was looking coolly at them.

"What the hell did you do to him?" she asked.

"I disabled him," said Itachi. "He was behaving erratically and I had to put him out lest he did something regretful."

Susan wiped the drool from Robert's lip and brushed some hair away from his face. "You didn't have to do this to him," she said, looking angrily at Itachi.

"It was either that or we could have harmed him in other ways," said Konan as she came forward along with Zetsu, Sasori, Pain, Tobi and Deidara.

"We could have done something much worse," said Sasori, casting an irritated glare at Deidara, who crossed his arms over his chest and huffed in annoyance. Susan looked at Deidara and she knew what might have happened to Robert if Itachi hadn't acted first.

Kisame came up beside Itachi with Mark, Kakuzu and Hidan trailing behind him. "It could have been a lot worse," he said. "Itachi just gave him a mild dose."

"He'll wake up with little more than a headache," said Itachi.

Susan sighed and laid her hand on Robert's chest, bowing her head and going through all the methods of apology she could think of to say when he woke up.

"Who is this man to you?" Pain asked her.

Susan wiped the sweat from her forehead and looked up at him. "He's my ex-boyfriend," she said. "He just stopped by for a minute to pick something up and then he would have been out of your hair, but I guess a little bit of modesty is too much to ask around here and someone had to go and cause a scene on the rooftop," she said, glaring at Hidan.

"Hey, I don't have anything nobody's seen before," said Hidan.

"It doesn't mean anyone _wants_ to see it," said Kakuzu. "I won't eat for a week thanks to you."

"I won't either, hmm," said Deidara. "That was pretty fucking weird."

"Your outlandishness never ceases to amaze me," said Pain.

Hidan smirked. "Thank you."

Pain glared at him. "That was not a compliment."

Robert groaned and started to come to. His eyes fluttered and he raised his hands to cover them, his eyebrows pinched together with pain. Susan put her hand under his head and the other on his shoulder as he rolled onto his side, squeezing his eyes shut. "Wha…?" he moaned and opened his eyes, looking at Pain and then at the others. He lifted his head and frowned confusedly. "What the hell is…who are…?" Robert turned to Susan.

"Are you okay?" she asked him.

"Headache," he said, touching the side of his head as he turned and looked at the ninjas who had gathered closer to him and Susan. "I remember seeing you," he said, pointing at Itachi. "And then I felt this weird…stabbing feeling in my chest and I looked down and saw…knives in me and I…" He trailed off and took a deep, shuddering breath. "I've never felt anything like that. What the hell did you do to me?" he asked Itachi.

"He hypnotized you using genjutsu," said Kisame.

Robert looked confusedly at the shark man. "Why are you blue?" he asked. Kisame grinned, baring his teeth and Robert looked startled. "You have sharp teeth," he said. His voice had risen to a higher pitch that indicated to Susan that he was about to have a panic attack.

"Calm down, Robert," she said, laying her hand on his cheek, but Robert sat up and looked around at the others, his eyes growing huge when they landed on Pain and then Zetsu.

"Holy cow…" he said. "What the hell are you guys?"

"We're ninjas," said Kisame.

Robert blinked hard and turned to look at Susan again, his eyes large, shiny and confused. " 'Splain, please."

* * *

I hope no one thinks that Susan is a complete ho-bag. If you do, that's fine. Her stupidity is somewhat annoying, that's true, but it's just a character flaw. Every character has one or a thousand. I told you Robert is not out of the picture. Despite his faults, he will make a fun addition to the group. How will he react to the Akatsuki? How will Deidara react to having him around? Will anyone find out about Susan and Deidara's little fling? Will Deidara fight for Susan's affection or will he let it go? And what the hell is up with Usagi? There are so many questions to be considered here...

Hold on to your rubber shorts because there is plenty of pee-in-your-pants funniness to come! Review if you love killer bunnies!

Later


	14. Armed to the Teeth

I understand that people want more character development with some of the Akatsuki members. Don't worry, each will have their time to shine. Kakuzu is not my favorite, but I will agree that he needs some attention. Zetsu and Konan too.

Disclaimer: I don't own rights to anything or anyone except for my OCs. Any opinions expressed in the story are strictly those of the characters. Blah, blah, blah.

* * *

Chapter 14

Armed to the Teeth

Robert sat at the dining room table with an icepack pressed to his forehead, staring at ten wary ninjas who suspiciously stared back at him from across the room. Susan explained everything that happened—everything that had to do with the puzzle box and the lodestone and NOT the fact that the Akatsuki were cartoons out of a comic book—but Robert still didn't seem to get it. Susan thought that his confusion must have had to do with the whopper headache he was suffering despite having taken some extra strength pain reliever. His hand trembled as he reached for a glass of lemonade Susan had given him. Itachi suggested that she give Robert something with high sugar content in order to bring his mind out of the Sharingan-induced fog a little quicker.

Susan and Mark had spent nearly an hour trying to clarify circumstances to the best of their ability, but Robert just sat there as if everything they told him had gone right over his head. He looked around at each ninja and swallowed hard. "So you guys are ninjas," he said and sipped his lemonade with a loud slurp. "Kind of like superheroes…like the X-Men?"

Kisame and Deidara looked at one another. Deidara snorted. "Who are _they_, hmm?" he asked, his voice oozing condescension as he arched an eyebrow at Robert.

"Tobi has read about these X-Men," said Tobi. He turned to Mark. "They are very unique. Like us!"

Robert's eyes grew wide and he lowered the icepack from his head. "You guys are _mutant_s_?_"

Kisame opened his mouth to protest when Mark jumped in. "Yeah, they are," said Mark. He looked at Susan and she gave him a wink that said, "_Nice cover, kiddo._"

Robert shook his head. "Everything I've heard so far…this stuff sounds like something right out of a comic book," he said. Susan and Mark exchanged nervous looks. The Akatsuki _were_ straight out of a comic book, but they themselves didn't know that. "The mutant thing would kind of explain the freaky mind-thing _he_ did to me," said Robert, pointing a finger at Itachi. "What other weird kind of crap can you do?" asked Robert.

"You'll find out soon enough if you keep talking," said Kakuzu. Robert looked the grumpy ninja up and down, taking him in. It was obvious that Robert was upsetting the ninjas with every new sentence that burst out of his mouth. Susan felt her stomach lurch when she realized that Robert had no idea who or what he was dealing with.

She stood up and scratched her head. "Listen, Robert. I know all this sounds really crazy but we're telling you the truth. We can't make this stuff up."

Robert laid the icepack against his forehead again. "Oh, yeah? Is there anything else I should know?" he asked. There was a hint of mockery in his voice that the others seemed to pick up on. Looking menacing, Deidara and Kakuzu stepped forward and Susan put her hand out to indicate calm. She silently shook her head at them and they glared at her.

"Well, there is another thing," said Mark. He looked at Pain. The Akatsuki leader seemed to know what he was going to say because he gave the boy a slight nod. Mark looked at Robert and took a deep breath. "There's a killer rabbit on the loose and we have to kill it before they can go home," he said quickly.

Robert blinked rapidly, trying to process this information. "…A killer rabbit? A killer _rabbit_?" He got up and tossed the icepack down on the table. "This is some bullshit," he said, looking at Susan. "You're just trying to fuck with me because you're still mad at me," he said, anger seeping into his voice.

"Do you see anyone laughing?" said Susan. "Robert, this is not a joke!"

"We swear to God it isn't a joke," Mark chimed in.

"Yeah, and I should believe you when you say that these guys are mutant _ninjas_ from another dimension and there's a killer _bunny rabbit_ somewhere out there that needs to be assassinated," Robert said sarcastically. "Where's Elmer Fudd when you need him?"

"I assure you this is not a joke," said Sasori, looking annoyed.

"And she was dating this asshole, hmm," Deidara muttered to his partner. Sasori looked at Susan and his eyebrows knit together in displeasure.

Susan ran a hand through her hair, frustrated. "If you don't believe us, then you need to get out," she said, stepping out of Robert's way and gesturing towards the exit. She dug the ring out of her pocket and held it out to him. "Take what you came for and leave," she said.

Robert's eyes traveled to the ring in her hand before he looked at Susan. She was tired of trying to make him listen. He could believe her or not, but she didn't really care anymore. She had what she anticipated would be a very long night ahead of her and she needed to focus on the task at hand, which was to go to the park and keep a lookout for trouble while the ninjas found and killed the big bunny rabbit. She had an awful feeling in the pit of her stomach that told her something bad was going to happen.

"Fine," said Robert. "I'll leave, but you can keep the fucking ring and all the bullshit you just laid on me," he said before he turned to go. However, he didn't get very far as Kisame quickly stepped into his path and Robert bonked his nose on the shark man's chest. He looked up at Kisame. "Get out of my way, blueberry man," said Robert. He meant to sound tough, but the quiver of fear in his voice undermined it, causing the shark man to smile maliciously at him.

"You're not going anywhere," said Kisame.

"What are you doing?" said Susan. She tried to approach them, but Konan stopped her by blocking her way.

"We cannot allow him to leave," said Pain.

Susan turned to him. "Why not? He obviously doesn't believe anything we told him, so let him go."

"No," said Pain. "He stays."

Alarmed, Mark stood up. "What are you going to do with him then?" he asked.

"I can think of a few things to do with him, hmm," said Deidara, looking unkindly at Robert.

"Let's just kill the fucker and call it a day," said Hidan, still clutching a towel around his hips. It sagged slightly in the back to reveal the beginning of his butt crack and Tobi kept pulling it up to keep him covered.

Robert turned around and looked at Deidara, then at Pain. "What the fuck are you gonna do, huh?" he asked pompously, a nervous half smile twisting his lips. "You can't kill me. That's manslaughter!"

"You're damn right it is," said Hidan, grinning nastily at Robert. "I haven't killed anyone in a long time and I'm just itching to do some serious bodily harm to a weakling like you."

Robert stared at him with wide eyes for a moment before he looked at Susan. "Where in the world did you find these fruitcakes?" he asked her.

"Enough," said Pain. He looked at Robert. "We're going to take you with us."

"WHAT?" Susan and Robert blurted. Susan shook her head. "No, no, no. No. NO! We can't take him with us," she said.

Robert looked confused. "Take me with you where?"

"To go rabbit hunting," said Mark, looking nervous. "…In the park."

Susan approached Pain. "You can't do this," she said. "Please just let him go."

Robert looked contemplatively at Susan for a few moments before he looked at Pain and the others. "I'll go with you," he said to Susan. "If you think you can prove that all this crap you're telling me is true, then I want to see proof that you guys are not just playing with my head."

With a sigh, Susan placed her hands on her hips and looked at the floor. She was caught between a rock and a fucking mountain and she didn't know what to do about it. "Why do you want Robert to come with us?" she asked Pain.

"If it will enforce his belief, then we will show him," said Pain. "He may be of some use to us anyhow."

"In what capacity?" Susan asked fearfully.

Pain blinked owlishly at her. "He knows how to drive," he said. "Since you are so concerned about us attracting attention, we cannot risk being seen traveling on foot. You will need more than one vehicle to transport all of us to our destination."

Susan felt the air rush out of her lungs in a sigh of relief at not hearing the word "kill" out of the Akatsuki leader's mouth. However, she wasn't exactly calmed by his answer. "And then what?" she asked.

The Akatsuki leader narrowed his eyes at her. "You will make sure he stays out of the way."

Mark sat back down and folded his hands in his lap. He wasn't so sure about the plan so far. They'd need two cars to give everyone a ride to the park, sure, but _come on_. This was Robert they were talking about. The guy was a computer programmer, a geek, and a bit of a wimp to boot. He was the kind of geek that didn't read comic books and hardly watched movies. Instead he liked to watch boring sports like soccer and golf, and financial and world news programs on TV. To put it shortly—but not cruelly—Robert was an earthbound geek with very little imagination, which meant that he was not going to cope very well with the paradoxical situation he had just been roped into. God help the poor bastard.

"We are not taking my car," said Robert.

"We don't have much choice," said Susan. "I can probably fit eight or nine people in my folks' truck and you can take the rest in your car."

Robert started to protest. "No, I'm not…"

"Please just do it," said Susan. "We won't ask you for anything else." She glanced at Pain. "Will we?" she asked him. He gave no answer but she took it as a silent agreement.

Robert's shoulders sagged in defeat. "I have to go make a phone call," he said and started towards the patio door, but he ended up bumping into Zetsu. Robert looked the plant man up and down, his eye twitching slightly as he observed the alien life form standing before him. "Excuse me," he said rudely.

"Don't tell anyone what you're up to," said Susan. "You're the only other person besides us who knows about all this. We can't bring anyone else into the picture."

Robert snorted. "Who's gonna believe me?"

"You never know," said Susan.

Robert rolled his eyes and Zetsu stepped out of his way so that he could go outside and make a call on his cell phone. Susan looked at Mark. Her brother blew his bangs out of his face and shrugged. Susan flopped back down in her chair and let her head loll back, her vision drifting out of focus as she stared at the ceiling in thought. There was a long string of silence before someone spoke up.

"What's for dinner?" asked Kisame.

Susan shut her eyes. The shark man always had food on the brain. "I'm making spaghetti with garlic bread and salad," she said, opening her eyes and looking at the group. "You guys probably need the carbohydrates if you're going to exercise your mad ninja skills tonight." She looked at Hidan. "And will you please go put some clothes on? I don't know why you insist on walking around the house naked," she said.

Hidan turned his nose up in the air. "You're just jealous," he said.

"Jealous of what?" said Susan. "Your chest hair and your charming personality?"

Hidan looked down at himself. "I have chest hair? I just shaved this morning," he said, running a hand over his muscular—and badly sunburned—chest. He winced and swore as the pain of his terrible sunburn became evident. "Shit," he muttered and headed upstairs.

"There's aloe gel in the bathroom if you want to ease that sunburn," Susan called after him. "Top shelf in the medicine chest, lobster man!"

She got up and went to start preparing dinner, opening cabinets and pulling out a pot and saucepan. She set them down on the stove before she started looking around for pasta and tomato sauce. Meanwhile, Pain and Konan quietly left the room in their usual mysterious fashion. Mark took his sister's stretched silence as a sign that she wanted to be left alone, so he decided that it was probably best to keep everyone out of her hair until dinner was done. "Anybody want to watch TV?" he asked. "There's an _X-Files _marathon playing."

"We need to prepare for tonight," said Sasori. He looked at the others. "Weapons check and prep."

"Can I help?" asked Mark. Perhaps he could get some combat lessons out of them if they were up to it.

Sasori seemed a bit unsure. He lowered his eyelids and looked over at Susan. "If it's all right with your sister," he said.

Susan made a dismissive gesture without looking up. "You know the drill. If it looks sharp, don't touch it," she told her brother as she took a large cutting knife out of a drawer.

Mark followed Sasori, Zetsu and Tobi downstairs while Kisame and Itachi went upstairs to take stock of their weapons. Kakuzu had disappeared some time ago, mumbling something about having a moron for a partner. Deidara lingered in the kitchen and watched Susan as she filled the pot with water and turned on the stove. Sensing that she was being watched, she turned around to confront said lingerer, but Deidara quickly and silently left as soon as she caught wind of another presence in the room.

She looked outside and saw that Robert was still talking on his mobile phone. He was slowly pacing back and forth on the lawn with one hand shoved into his pocket, stopping occasionally to look at the big hole in the ground where Deidara's bird bomb had exploded. Susan sighed quietly and took some tomatoes out of the refrigerator before she turned on the stereo. Debussy's piano solo, Arabesque No. 1, was just beginning to play on a classical music station and she turned the volume up loud enough to cancel out the noise from the television downstairs. She tapped her fingers in succession to the notes of the song on the counter for a few moments.

Kisame and Itachi came downstairs with their cloaks draped over their arms. Kisame headed to the basement with his sword resting on his shoulder while Itachi paused in the kitchen. Susan was so enveloped in thought that she didn't notice him standing there until he spoke up.

"What is this?" he asked, making Susan jump in surprise. She quickly reached for the knob on the stereo and turned the music down.

"Sorry, what?" she asked softly despite her foul mood and being caught off guard by the brooding ninja.

"What is this music?" he asked.

"It's classical music," she said. She paused and looked nervously at him. "…You like it?"

He nodded his head and Susan turned the music up a little before she started slicing tomatoes on the cutting board. Out of the corner of her eye she could see that Itachi was still standing there. His silence indicated that he must have been listening to the music and was probably staring at her too. Creepy, party of one!

"Classical is a very old genre of music," she started to say for the sake of avoiding awkward silence. She took a tomato and sliced it in half before cutting it into smaller sections, doing her best to remain casual under his scrutiny. "The composer of this song is Claude Debussy. He was a French composer and the instrument you're hearing is called..."

"A piano," he finished for her and she glanced up at him in slight surprise.

"You like music?" she asked him.

"Some," he said, watching her hands as she cut the tomato into smaller pieces. Her fingers were slippery with tomato pulp and she laid the knife down so that she could wipe her hands on a paper napkin. She turned to him, suddenly reminded of her strange dreams as she crumpled the napkin in her hands.

"Can I ask you something?" she said hesitantly. His posture seemed to straighten and he looked expectantly at her, prompting her to continue. "I've been having these really weird dreams lately and I was wondering if…" She was interrupted when Robert came back inside.

"I just cancelled dinner with two friends from out of town and they're only here for one night," said Robert.

Susan tossed her napkin onto the counter. "I'm not keeping you here. You can go have dinner with your friends if you want."

"You're right when you say you're not the one keeping me here. That guy with the face-load of piercings said I can't leave. But I also want to see what kind of craziness you've gotten yourself mixed up in," said Robert. "Just because I'm not your boyfriend anymore doesn't mean I can't be concerned about your…wellbeing," he said, glancing at Itachi before doing a double take. "Are you wearing contact lenses?" he asked the ninja.

Itachi's eyes grew narrow and his mouth shrank into a tight line. "No."

"I'll set an extra plate on the table if you're going to stay and eat," said Susan, placing a hand on her hip and reaching for the knife on the cutting board. "Otherwise I'm going to need you to get out of my face, Robert."

Robert leaned in close to Itachi and hid his mouth with his hand as he spoke. "Watch yourself. She turns into a real bear when she gets mad," he stage-whispered, earning a nasty look from Susan.

"Robert, you're starting to piss me off right now," she warned. "Now please get out of my kitchen before I maul you to death."

"Okay, I know when I'm not wanted," said Robert, raising his hands in mock surrender and backing away before he went downstairs. A frustrated growl escaped Susan and she made a strangling motion in the air with her hands before she leaned against the kitchen counter and folded her arms over her chest.

"No offense, but men are_ assholes,_" she said to Itachi, pushing away from the counter and whipping open a drawer, taking out a spoon and banging it down on the countertop before she picked up a jar of tomato sauce and attempted to open it. She tried to loosen the lid but it was not coming off. With another growl, she slammed the jar down and braced her hands on the edge of the counter.

"Do you need help?" asked Itachi.

Susan looked at him and sighed. "That depends," she said. Right then she felt like she needed a shrink to tell her that this was all a delusion, a dream or even a fucking phantasm if they wanted to get all mystical about it. She picked up the jar of spaghetti sauce and held it out to Itachi. He came forward and took the jar from her, twisting the lid with one turn of his wrist before he handed it back to her.

"Your nose is bleeding," said Itachi. Susan reached up and touched her nose, feeling warm blood leaking out of her nostril. She quickly grabbed a napkin and held it under her nose.

"This has got to be some kind of bad omen," she said, taking the napkin away from her nose and looking at the blotches of blood. "I never get a bloody nose," she said.

"Perhaps you're just high-strung," said Itachi.

Susan frowned at him. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"You're very worried about your brother," said Itachi.

Susan dabbed gently at her nose with the wadded napkin. "He just wants to go to the park tonight because he wants to see you guys in action," she said. "He doesn't seem to realize that this isn't…" She stopped herself before she could blab the truth: _This isn't fiction like it is in the comic book world. _"He doesn't understand that what you do is…well, it's dangerous and it's wrong," she said and suddenly she looked questioningly at him. "Isn't it?"

There was a long pause before he spoke. "More often than not," he said.

Susan turned her back to him and poured tomato sauce into the saucepan on the stove. When she turned back around, Itachi was gone. Susan looked around and leaned against the counter, holding the napkin to her nose as she stared at the empty kitchen. "Damn it," she muttered when she realized that she had gotten completely sidetracked when she was about to ask him about the dreams.

Down in the basement, Robert was sitting rigidly on the couch watching Sasori attach two wing-like blades to his thorax with a screwdriver while the others laid out their arsenals of kunai, shuriken and other assorted ninja tools on the floor. Mark found Deidara's scope lying around and put it on. He was fiddling with it, trying to get it into focus.

"…So let me get this straight," said Robert, staring bug-eyed at the puppet master's extra appendages and puppet-like appearance. "You guys can produce and manipulate organic energy called chakra," he said in review.

"Correct," said Sasori, testing the joint he had just tightened on one of the extra appendages. It flexed like a bird's wing, the sharp blades on the end fanning out with a metallic shearing sound. Robert jumped and pressed himself into the couch, swallowing hard.

"And you use this chakra to perform these special techniques of yours," said Robert.

"That's right," said Kisame, who was sitting beside Robert with a large bag of potato chips in his lap.

Mark stood up and started walking around the room, looking around with the scope on his eye, pressing buttons to try and get the device to work. It was like looking through the wrong end of a pair of binoculars. Everything was distant and blurry. Mark turned to Deidara. "How do you get this thing to focus?" he asked, walking towards the blond ninja and tripping over a stack of scrolls. Deidara caught him by the back of his shirt before he could fall onto a pile of shuriken sitting on the floor.

"Watch where you're going, un. You better not break that thing because I just fixed it," said Deidara. He pulled Mark onto his feet and knelt in front of him, leaning closer to press a tiny button on the side of the scope. It buzzed softly as the lens shifted to bifocals. "How's that, hm?" asked Deidara.

Mark's vision through the scope came into focus and he could see Deidara's face magnified to two times its normal size. Mark leaned back and reached his hand out, touching a finger to the end of Deidara's nose before bringing his finger back and touching his own nose. "Whoa," he said, smiling. "Cool."

"Yeah, well, don't screw with the settings," said Deidara. "I adjusted it for my left eye, hmm."

"You must have wonky vision in that eye because now everything looks kind of like it does in a funhouse mirror," said Mark, looking around the room. Everyone looked fat and oblong up close.

"It's enhanced so that I can see things clearly from a distance," said Deidara.

"Because you specialize in long-range aerial attacks with explosives?" asked Mark.

Deidara looked suspiciously at him and held out his hand. "Give it here, un."

Mark removed the scope from his left eye and gave it back before he went and sat down on the couch next to Robert, picking up the remote and changing the channel to the _X-Files _marathon that was showing on some sci-fi channel while Sasori and Robert debated the existence of spiritual energy.

"Contrary to certain spiritual beliefs, chakra doesn't exist in the literal sense," said Robert.

"Maybe not here," said Sasori. "Where we come from, people are born with a physiology that includes a nervous system containing pathways that enable chakra circulation throughout the body."

"I don't believe that," said Robert. "Even if your body could produce this chakra stuff, there is no way you could channel that kind of energy at will."

"What do you think tai chi and yoga meditation is?" said Mark. "People do it to channel spiritual energy and stuff."

Robert looked at Mark and frowned. "First of all, meditation is meant to relax the mind and body, not channel _spiritual energy_. And second, yoga and tai chi are purely physical disciplines," he said. "It's just stretches and exercise."

"Exercise for the body, mind and spirit," argued Mark. "They're intertwined things, Rob. You can't have one without the other two."

"If you want to get scientific about it, chakra is simply kinetic energy," said Sasori, tossing the screwdriver into the toolbox. He turned around to face Robert. "It takes organs, bone, muscle and other tissues to make a body functional, but there are also several points in the body that produce and retain kinetic energy that can be utilized as a power supply that enhances the body's physical abilities."

"Yeah, think of it as like a generator that powers a house or something," said Mark.

Robert crossed his arms over his chest. "I still don't believe it," he said. "I subscribe to Science Daily and I've never heard of this shit."

Tobi jumped up from his spot on the floor. "Tobi will demonstrate perfect chakra control!"

"By all means, fake it if you must," said Robert, now totally disinterested.

"It's not fake, hmm," said Deidara. He sat down in the recliner beside the couch and leaned forward with his elbows resting on his knees, glaring daggers at Robert. "You have no idea what we're capable of."

Robert returned his glare and then looked at Tobi. "What are you going to do? Fart fairy dust?"

Tobi came and stood in front of the couch. "Just watch Tobi," he said and headed over to the wall. The masked ninja looked over his shoulder at everyone and pointed at the wall. "Tobi will walk up this wall and show Rob-san how chakra manipulation works."

Robert snorted. "You're going to do the old running up the wall trick?"

"Well, Tobi can run up the wall too," said Tobi. He backed up several paces and got into a sprinter's pose with his ass in the air and his knuckles planted on the carpet.

Mark looked apprehensively at him. "Uh, Tobi, I don't think that's such a good idea…"

"Banzai!" yelled Tobi and he took off in a dead run towards the wall. It looked like he was going to plow straight into it until he stopped short and sprang onto the wall. He landed with a loud thud that knocked a few framed pictures off of their hangers. Dressed in his black pajama-like outfit and body armor, Tobi looked like a giant insect stuck to the wall.

"Jesus," said Robert. He stared wide-eyed at the masked ninja as Tobi crawled onto the ceiling. Robert stood up on the couch and started feeling around on the ceiling. "You've got to be using trick wires or something," he said. Tobi crawled over to him and stuck his masked face right in front of Robert, making him jerk away in surprise.

"I'm afraid you're wrong," said Sasori. He pulled a scroll out from under his folded cloak and unrolled it. "I'm speaking for others when I say that your skepticism is getting rather tiring. I'll show you once and for all that we are not feeding you lies," he said, placing his hand on the seal written on the scroll while using his other hand to create hand signs.

Robert sat back down and leaned close to Mark. "What the hell is he doing?" he whispered.

Mark stared intently at the scroll on the floor. "Just watch," he said.

A life-sized puppet appeared in a puff of smoke and Mark recognized it to be the hunched remains of the Third Kazekage. The puppet was attached to several thin, blue strings of chakra extending from Sasori's fingertips. The slightest twitch of the puppet master's fingers made the Kazekage's rickety form rattle, its jerky movements seeming ghoulish and mechanical all at once.

"Dude, that is _awesome_," said Mark as he watched the puppet stand up to its full height. Its ragged cloak dragged on the floor as it started to walk toward the couch in a zombie-like fashion.

Kisame watched the puppet in amusement. "So you really did murder the Third Kazekage," he said to Sasori.

Frightened, Robert started to get up but Mark grabbed him by the arm as the puppet approached them. It stopped directly in front of Robert, extended its arm and opened its hand palm-up and bent forward when all of the sudden Tobi fell from the ceiling—as he did so, he grabbed onto the overhead light as a last resort and ripped it out of the ceiling, wires and all, causing the room to go dim from the loss of light—and landed directly on top of the Kazekage puppet, flattening it on the floor with a loud clatter.

"That's your demonstration of perfect chakra control, Tobi?" said Deidara, looking less than amused at the masked ninja's terrible form.

Mark leaned over the edge of the couch and looked at Tobi, then at the puppet laying brokenly beneath him before he looked over at a very irritated Sasori. "Um, I think he broke the Kazekage," said Mark.

"So I see," said Sasori, tugging the puppet out from underneath Tobi by its chakra strings.

Tobi sat up. "Tobi broke something else," he said remorsefully, looking at Mark and holding up the light fixture clutched in his hand. "Sorry, Mark-san."

Mark breathed a deep sigh. "I am so gonne be grounded for the rest of my life," he said dejectedly.

Tobi stood up and looked at the hole he had made in the ceiling. "Tobi can fix it," he said, reaching up toward the exposed wires hanging out of the ceiling.

"No!" both Mark and Sasori said in unison. Tobi paused and looked at them. Mark took the broken light fixture from the masked ninja. "I think we'll just leave it like it is for now," said Mark, setting the light fixture on the end table. "Someone else can fix it," he said.

Deidara looked at Sasori. "Sasori no Danna, if you should die under some weird circumstance and Tobi is your replacement as my partner, I just might have to kill myself," he announced.

Robert leaned close to Mark and whispered. "Is that Tobi guy really that dumb or does he just act like he's high as a giraffe's ass?"

Mark shook his head. "I really don't know," was all he could say. Tobi may have acted dumb, but Mark knew that he—Madara—could outfox practically anyone, even Pain and the others. At least that's how he was depicted in the manga. But really, Tobi would have electrocuted himself if he touched those wires hanging from the ceiling. What kind of mastermind ninja did stupid stuff like that?

"That's not a very nice thing to say to Tobi, Deidara-senpai," said Tobi in a hurt tone.

"Tobi, the day you become my partner is the day I will know my future is bleak, hmm," said Deidara as he pulled the lever on the recliner and put his feet up, folding his hands behind his head and shutting his eyes.

"Don't be so cynical, Deidara-senpai," said Tobi. "Tobi will make a fun partner! Ask Zetsu-san!" he said, turning to the plant man sitting on the floor.

Zetsu frowned and looked away. "**No comment**," he said.

Tobi sat cross-legged on the floor and looked around at everyone, silent for a few moments. "…Does everyone think Tobi's annoying?" he asked, his voice growing whiny. When no one answered, he turned to Itachi. "Does Itachi-san not like Tobi?" he asked, his voice lowering a few octaves, drawing the fellow Uchiha's attention. Itachi looked at him with narrowed eyes.

"I hardly know you," he said.

Mark looked between the masked ninja and Itachi, understanding full well that there was some clandestine relation between the two that stretched beyond their familial tie to one another as members of the Uchiha clan. Itachi must have known whom Tobi really was, but he wasn't about to reveal that to anyone.

In a way, Mark felt kind of bad about leaving Tobi hanging like that. "I like you, Tobi," he said. He smiled at the masked ninja and Tobi sprang up from the floor and jumped on the boy, wrapping him in a bone-crushing hug.

"Mark-san likes Tobi!" cheered Tobi as he held Mark to his bosom, mashing Mark's face into the armor covering his shoulder. Robert seemed a little disturbed at the masked ninja's sudden mood swing as it looked like Tobi was literally smothering Mark with affection—or more precisely his armpit. Mark struggled to pull away from Tobi's heartfelt embrace, but the masked ninja held on to him as if he were a life preserver.

Kakuzu appeared behind the couch with Hidan at his side. The grouchy ninja glared at the affectionate display in front of him and growled in annoyance. "What is this, the fucking _Oprah_ show?" he grumped.

Tobi let go of Mark and they looked up at Kakuzu. Mark knew a little something about Kakuzu that the others didn't, and that something was that Kakuzu had secretly become addicted to daytime talk shows. On a few occasions, Mark had caught the cranky ninja watching _The View _and various soap operas. Kakuzu could deny it as much as he liked, but he was a hopeless addict to daytime drama.

"What the fuck was that gay hug-fest all about?" said Hidan as he looked oddly at Mark and Tobi.

"We were just working out our feelings," Mark joked. He grinned and held his arms out to Hidan. "You wanna be next?"

"Tobi needs a hug!" Tobi hopped onto the couch and leaped at Hidan with his arms outstretched, but the Jashinist stepped out of the way and Tobi landed flat on his face.

"Are you fucking shitting me?" said Hidan, looking disgustedly at Tobi. "I'd rather hug a corpse than hug your sorry ass."

Robert looked behind the couch at Tobi, confused and slightly flabbergasted. "This is some goofy shit," he muttered to himself as he turned back around and sank low on the couch.

"You'll get used to it," said Kisame before he shoved a handful of potato chips into his mouth, letting some fall onto the couch cushions where they would be crushed into tiny crumbs under the shark man's ass.

"You speak from experience?" asked Robert dryly.

Kisame looked at him and arched an eyebrow. "It's either that or let us kill you," he said, cracking a grin. "I'd take the first choice if I were you."

Robert gulped and turned away from the shark man to stare in terror at the TV screen. Mark grabbed the remote and turned the volume up on the TV as the_ X-Files _was coming back from a commercial. "Shoot, I missed the first twenty minutes of this episode. I haven't seen this one yet," he said. He was an _X-Files _fan and he had even gotten Tobi to watch a few episodes with him the other day.

Tobi popped up from behind the couch and raised his hand high in the air, his pointer finger extended as if he were getting ready to conduct an orchestra. "The truth is out there!" he said with dramatic conviction, causing Mark to snort and chuckle.

Robert cleared his throat and mumbled. "Actually, I think the truth is in here…sitting on the couch and eating potato chips," he said, looking sidelong at Kisame.

Looking bored, Deidara climbed out of the recliner and quietly left the basement, heading upstairs to the kitchen where Susan was busy cooking. She looked up at him and her headache started to pound anew and she felt a fresh swell of blood soak the small wad of tissue stuffed up her nostril.

"Dinner's not ready if that's what you're going to ask," she said, viciously tearing up leaves from a head of lettuce and tossing them into a bowl filled with chopped tomatoes.

"I wasn't going to ask that, un," Deidara replied testily as he strolled into the kitchen and stood rather close to Susan. She calmly inched away from him and continued shredding lettuce.

"Then what are you pestering me for?" she asked with mounting hostility. She knew what he probably wanted from her, but she wasn't going to give him any more than she already had. "I'm not in the mood for funny business," she said.

"You were a little while ago, hmm," said Deidara.

"I wasn't thinking straight," said Susan. "The heat must have gotten to me plus your forceful attempt to get into my pants wasn't helping matters."

"It turned you on," he said.

She looked at him. "Shut up, I was not turned on." _"Liar!" _screamed her inner voice.

He leaned closer to her, a smile bending his lips. "Would doing it in a hammock turn you on?" he joked.

Susan dropped the lettuce and massaged her temples. "Shut up."

"Because I can handle it as long as you're on top…"

"God, shut up!" she said, turning away from him to wash her hands in the sink.

"Or maybe in your car…" he said, smirking as he stroked his chin. "How far does that seat go back, hmm?"

Susan turned to him and leaned against the counter, covering her face with her hand. "Oh, my God. Please shut the hell up before I have a freaking stroke," she pleaded. Her cheeks burned with embarrassment—at least she tried to convince herself that it was embarrassment—and her teeth were grinding with simmering anger.

Deidara started towards her. "Or maybe we could just do it right here on the kitchen floor, hmm?" he said, his voice lowering to a growl.

Susan tore her hand away from her face and reached behind her, feeling around for the skillet she had used to cook hamburger for the sauce earlier. Her fingers wrapped around the handle and she whipped the frying pan out and chucked it straight at Deidara's head. However, the blond ninja saw it coming and he quickly ducked. The skillet flew over his head and hit Tobi—the oblivious ninja happened to make his way up the stairs and was just passing by—square on the side of his masked head with a loud clang. It bounced off his skull and Tobi dropped to the floor.

"Oh, jeez!" Susan slapped her hands over her face when she realized what she had just done. She hurried over to Tobi's prone form and helped him sit up. "Tobi, I'm so sorry," she said.

"Why does Tobi keep getting hurt today?" whined Tobi, rubbing his head.

Deidara strolled up beside them. "Because you're cursed?" he offered. Susan shot him a nasty glare and he smirked at her. "Temper, temper, hmm," he teased her.

"You're an arrogant jerk," said Susan.

"And you're a ferocious little shrew," said Deidara, his smile growing wider at her seething expression. "I think that's what I like most about you," he said. "It's just so much fun getting you all worked up, hmm."

"Aw, bite the big one, will you?" she grouched. "I'll get you some ice for your head," she told Tobi, brushing by Deidara on her way to the refrigerator. Once again, the blond ninja irked her with a quick tug on the belt loop of her jeans as she passed him. Deidara sidled up next to her as she was gathering ice into a cup from the freezer and he murmured in her ear.

"Your room, your bed. Five minutes," he said heatedly, slipping his hand down the back of her pants. When his fingertips brushed the elastic band on her underwear, Susan slammed the freezer door and turned around, gripping the waistband of his pants in one hand and tugging him closer to her so that she could speak quietly without Tobi hearing.

"My foot, your ass. _Cram it_," she said, shoving a handful of ice cubes down the front of his pants. He yelped in surprise and Susan left him to do a frantic dance in the kitchen, shaking one leg and then the other as he tried to dislodge the ice cubes from his pants.

"Why is Deidara-senpai dancing?" asked Tobi. Susan stuck some ice cubes under the stretchy headband that kept his mask in place.

"Oh, he's just got ants in his pants," said Susan, smiling wickedly.

Deidara shook his pant leg and some ice cubes fell onto the floor. He stamped his foot and glared fiercely at Susan, clenching his fist at her. "This is war," he said before he left the room in a huff.

"What does Deidara-senpai mean by that, Susan-san?" asked Tobi.

"Don't know, don't care," she said. "How's your head?"

Tobi rubbed the side of his head. "Tobi has a headache."

She sighed and rolled her eyes to the ceiling. "You and me both."

Meanwhile…

Downstairs, Mark was sitting on the floor next to Itachi, trying to coax the ninja into showing him some weapon handling techniques, but Itachi was having none of it. "Shouldn't we have weapons too?" Mark asked, drawing a discerning look from Itachi. "You know, just in case?"

"It wouldn't hurt to be armed," said Kisame. He stuffed a handful of potato chips in his mouth. "What do you have in mind?" he asked, spraying crumbs all over as he spoke. Robert brushed a few damp crumbs off his pant leg, scooting away from the shark man and to the other side of the couch.

"Hold on a minute," said Mark. He got up and went to get a baseball bat from the laundry room. He brought it back and showed it to Kisame. The shark man put the potato chips aside and took the bat from him, weighing it in his hands.

"Not bad," he said, nodding his head and grinning. "You'd rather use blunt force instead of a blade, eh?"

"I know how to use a bat," said Mark. He took the bat from Kisame and got into a batting stance, gripping the taped handle tightly. "See? I can use it like a club," he said.

"Just make sure you can hit your target," said Kisame.

Mark did a slow practice swing and slapped the broad end of the bat on his palm. "I'll hit it," he said. "I wasn't the best batter on my little league team for nothing."

"Let's hope you won't have to use it," said Itachi.

Robert cleared his throat. "Is this giant bunny rabbit really that dangerous?" he asked.

"It attacked Susan last night," said Mark. "It scratched her up pretty bad."

Robert frowned. "Really? She didn't say anything to me about it," he said, looking at Kisame, then at Mark. "I have my golf bag in my car. You think a giant rabbit can take a shot to the face with a nine iron?"

"How's your swing?" asked Mark.

Robert shrugged. "I do okay."

Hidan wandered over to them and hovered next to Mark. "Do you have a chainsaw around here?" he asked.

"…What would you need a chainsaw for if we had one?" Mark asked cautiously.

"I saw one of your ugly neighbors trimming his tree with one," said Hidan. He grinned at Mark. "That thing looks like it can do some serious damage if you know what I mean."

Mark bit the inside of his cheek as he formulated an equation in his head. Hmmm. Hidan + chainsaw = absolute fucking mayhem to the ninth power. Awesome? Maybe. Dangerous? Definitely.

"Something tells me you've never used a chainsaw before in your life," said Robert. "I don't think you can handle that kind of raw power, buddy."

Hidan turned to Robert and raised an eyebrow. "Yeah? Well, something tells me you're a fucking pussy," he said. "And don't call me 'buddy', fuckface."

"My name's Rob, not fuckface," said Robert.

"Whatever, Bob," said Hidan.

"It's _Rob_," snapped Robert.

"I don't give a flying turd," said Hidan. "How 'bout I call you Bob Fuckface Sphinctersucker for short?"

"That doesn't even make sense," said Robert.

"Neither does your outfit," quipped Hidan. He turned back to Mark. "Do you have a chainsaw or not?"

"We have one, but you can't use it," said Mark.

"Why not?"

"Because you're certifiable and therefore should not be allowed within ten feet of any power tools," said Kakuzu from behind the couch.

"What the hell are you gonna to do with a chainsaw anyway?" Kisame asked.

"What the fuck do you think, chum bucket?" said Hidan. "I'm going to saw that fuckin' rabbit in half and turn it into a fucking throw rug for Jashin is what I'm gonna do."

Robert gulped. "Jashin?"

"Jashin is Hidan's god," said Mark. "He's sort of like Jesus, only he's really, really evil."

"Jesus can kiss my ass," snapped Hidan. "There is no comparison to Lord Jashin."

"Just shut up," said Kakuzu. "No one wants to hear you talk out of your ass."

"You have your scythe. Why can't you just use that instead of a chainsaw?" said Mark.

"In case we have the pleasure of getting up close and personal with that thing, I can get in there and get the job done," said Hidan, making a cutting motion across his neck. "I'll take its head off and that'll be the end of it."

"You just think a chainsaw will increase the carnage," said Kakuzu.

"Who doesn't like a little blood in their gore?" said Hidan.

"I'll faint if I have to see that," said Mark. Hidan frowned at him and Mark shrugged his shoulders. "The sight of blood makes me sick," he said.

"You're not going to see anything," said Itachi. "That's why you're going to stay in the car."

"Can I bring my bat with me, though?" asked Mark. "Just in case?"

Itachi shut his eyes and gave a curt nod. "Hn."

"We've got to get you cured of your fear of blood, kid. You can't live like that," said Kisame.

"I've been freaked out by the sight of blood since I can remember," said Mark.

"The trick is not to let the sight overwhelm you," said Sasori. He had just finished repairing the Third Kazekage puppet and was setting it aside. "The kind of fear you described couldn't have come about on its own. It takes some kind of trauma to reinforce it."

"Well, I was in a car accident when I was like five," said Mark. "Mom was driving and when she stopped for a red light, her car got rear ended by some guy who was tailgating her. I don't remember it, but I heard someone say that when I saw my mom bleeding from a cut on her head, I just turned white and passed out."

"That would be trauma," said Sasori.

Robert frowned at Mark. "I didn't know that about you."

Mark gave him a slightly irritated look. "There's a lot of stuff you don't know," he said. "Just like there's a lot of stuff my sister didn't know about you before she got wise and figured out that you were two-timing her," he said. Robert seemed to catch Mark's drift because he suddenly looked ashamed, turning his eyes away from Mark to stare at the floor.

"About that…" said Robert.

"You don't have to explain it to me," said Mark. "It's between you and Susan, so I'm not going to comment."

Everyone looked up as Susan clamored down the stairs. "Come up and eat, fellas. Dinner's ready," she said. She spotted Kisame with the empty potato chip bag. "Haven't spoiled your dinner, have you?" she said to the shark man.

Kisame crumpled up the bag. "I've got room for more," he said, getting up from the couch.

Susan saw the mess of crumbs scattered on the couch cushions and she ground her teeth. "Seriously, do you ever chew with your mouth closed?" she grouched. "I feel like I have to follow you around with a Dustbuster every time you eat something."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. By the way, your boyfriend's a real shithead," said Kisame as he headed for the stairs.

"I resent that," said Robert, keeping his distance from the shark man as he followed him up the stairs.

Susan rolled her eyes and went into the laundry room to get Pain and Konan's Akatsuki uniforms while everyone filed upstairs to go and eat, all except for Sasori, who waited for everyone to leave before he came into the laundry room.

"Susan-san."

Susan quickly turned around and relaxed a little when she saw him. "I was just getting your uniforms ready to go," she said.

Sasori frowned a little as he noticed the wad of tissue stuck in her nostril. "What happened to your nose?" he asked. Susan hastily covered her nose with her hand.

"All the sudden it just started gushing," she said, pulling the bloody tissue out of her nose and chucking it into the wastebasket.

"Is something wrong?" asked Sasori.

"No, I just…" Susan paused when she noticed the skeptical look on his face. "Yes, actually, there is something that's been bothering me," she said. So many things bothered her at the moment but there was one thing that hung on like a bad stomachache.

"What is it?" Sasori prodded.

"I have a bad feeling about what's going to happen tonight," said Susan.

"Personally, I don't think you should be going with us," said Sasori. "Leader is jeopardizing your safety by including you in this mission."

"So it's a mission now?" said Susan.

Sasori held out his hand. In it was a small scroll. "Take this."

"What's that?" she asked.

"Take it," he said. Susan took the scroll and tried to open it. "Don't open it," said Sasori.

"Why? What is this?" she asked.

"It's for protection in case you find yourself without a guard," said Sasori. "Just break the seal on it when the time comes."

Susan frowned. "What will it do?"

Sasori lowered his eyes to the scroll. "Just make sure it's facing away from you and toward your opponent when you open it," he said. "Hopefully you won't have to find out what it does."

Now she was very concerned. Whatever was in the scroll—a ninja storage device as far as she knew—was obviously dangerous, but what concerned her even more was that Sasori was giving this dangerous thing to her. She held the scroll in both hands, lightly running her finger over the wax seal.

"I saw my brother carrying a baseball bat," said Susan. She looked at Sasori. "Do I need something like a weapon to protect myself with? Besides this," she said, smiling slightly as she held up the scroll he gave her.

Sasori was silent for a few moments, his olive eyes seeming to search hers before they traveled lower. "Your nose is bleeding again," he said. Susan cupped her hand under her nose and dug in her pocket for a tissue.

"It just won't stop," she said, pressing the tissue to her nose. "Anyway, here's your stuff," she said, handing him his uniform.

Sasori raised his eyebrows and looked interestedly at her. "That man, Robert. Is he…?"

"He is now my ex," said Susan, looking away and pursing her lips. "He's a jerk, I know. The others already informed me."

"You seem to be handling it well," said Sasori.

"I manage," she said, dabbing her nose with the tissue before tossing it into the wastebasket. "This isn't the first time I've been stiffed for a prettier, wittier woman," she muttered and then looked curiously at Sasori. "What about you? You, uh…have a lady?" she asked.

"No," he said. "There hasn't been much time for that. We're constantly on the move."

"So all of you are…"

"Solitary for the most part," said Sasori. "I don't know whether the others seek companionship or how they do it, and in Hidan's case I don't want to know."

Susan snorted. "Yeah, I don't want to picture that either." She turned to leave but then she turned back to Sasori. "Thanks for this by the way," she said, holding up the scroll.

When she came upstairs to eat dinner, the Akatsuki members were stuffing their faces like there was no tomorrow. Robert seemed to have lost his appetite watching them eat and Mark and Hidan were debating the reasons why Hidan could not use a chainsaw to kill the giant bunny rabbit. The only open seat at the table was between Deidara and Kisame. Susan calmly sat down and filled her plate, ignoring Deidara as he gave her the evil eye.

Halfway through dinner she felt something tickle her left knee and she moved her leg to try and shake it off, thinking nothing of it, but then the tickling turned into a warm, damp sensation accompanying the slight pressure of what felt like teeth digging into her knee. Susan paused and calmly lifted the tablecloth to see what the hell was going on. She found Deidara's hand resting on her knee and its mouth was gnawing and sucking on her through the fabric of her pants. He was ruining her good pair of jeans! Susan reached under the table, grabbed Deidara's wrist and tore his hand away from her knee, but he grabbed onto her hand and soon the mouth was nibbling at her fingers, its tongue slithering across her palm like a slimy eel.

Revolted, Susan tugged her hand out of his and stomped on his foot, banging her knee on the underside of the table in the process, causing it to shake and the cutlery to rattle. Kisame looked over at Susan and she glanced at him, smiling as if nothing was wrong. The shark man raised an eyebrow at her and went back to stuffing his face. Susan looked over at Deidara to see that he was glaring at her, but then the corners of his mouth tugged upward into a smile that told her he was up to no good.

Hidan was losing his debate with Mark over the chainsaw. Kakuzu had been no help to his partner as he constantly interjected with a negative comment here and there. Mark just couldn't turn Hidan away from his idea of using a chainsaw to fight the killer rabbit. He thought that it might have had something to do with the movie they watched the other night, _Evil Dead 2_. Being a shameless gore hound, Hidan had enjoyed the flick as though it were a comedy, which it kind of was even though it was supposed to be horror. His reasoning was that if a chainsaw could kill demon zombies, then why not giant killer rabbits?

Mark thought about it and even though it was a really, really bad idea, he figured that perhaps it wouldn't hurt to have a chainsaw as a backup weapon in case something happened. It was a stupid and unrealistic option because what was one big bunny rabbit going to do against ten ninjas who were already armed to the teeth with knives, swords, bombs, puppets and other crazy party favors.

Mark tugged on Hidan's shirtsleeve and leaned close enough to whisper. "Okay, you can have the chainsaw, but we have to keep this quiet and sneak it into the trunk of the car or else Susan's going to be pissed," he said.

Hidan smirked at him. "Good man," he said. "I knew you weren't such a loser after all."

Kakuzu, who had been listening the whole time, let out a growl of annoyance. "You've got to be fucking kidding me," he muttered.

Meanwhile, Susan and Deidara were playing a violent game of footsy under the table. Her left leg was currently wrapped around his right leg and they were having a wrestling match. Susan grabbed onto the edge of her chair as Deidara tugged her closer and his hand crept up her leg from the knee. She managed to unlock her leg from his and she kicked him in the shin with her heel, causing him to grunt as he pulled his leg away and knocked his knee against the table. Robert looked up from his plate and gave them an odd look. Susan sipped from her glass of water to cover the nervous expression on her face as Deidara's hand gave her thigh a squeeze. She slid her fork off the table and poked his hand threateningly with it, bringing her hand up in a stabbing motion and shooting him a warning look that said she would do it if he didn't stop touching her.

His hand retreated from her leg and Susan quickly got up and brought her plate to the sink in the kitchen before she left the room. She needed to find some kind of weapon of protection against both killer bunny rabbits as well as crazy horndog ninjas. As she was heading to her bedroom, she spotted Konan in the hallway and decided that if anyone could help her choose a weapon fit for a girl, it would have to be a female ninja.

"Hey, uh, Konan?" said Susan. Konan stopped and turned to her. "I need your help with something."

* * *

Things are kind of heating up now. You're probably waiting for the action and it will be there in the next chapter. Short author's note, I know, but I'm in a rush. Be kind and review!

Later!


	15. The Trouble with Rabbits

It's back! As promised, here's a new chapter. I spent a few extra days tinkering with it and I'm still not completely satisfied. However, there is a lot of character development in here and it's got a few laughs as well. By the way, I'd like to say thank you for the wonderful reviews this story has received so far. I didn't think it would get much praise. I'm definitely having fun writing this and I hope people continue to give feedback because it makes it all worthwhile. Thanks, readers!

Disclaimer: I own nothing and no one, but the OCs are mine.

Onward!

* * *

Chapter 15

The Trouble with Rabbits

"I need a weapon," said Susan.

She and Konan were in her dad's study, Susan sitting on the desk while Konan stood at a reasonable distance across the room with her hands hidden in the sleeves of her Akatauki cloak. When Konan didn't respond to her statement, Susan decided to elaborate.

"It's not that I don't think that Zetsu and Tobi won't do their jobs as body guards, but I'd feel a heck of a lot safer if I had something just to, you know, have on me in case things get hairy," said Susan. She tried to say it with the utmost respect, but she wasn't sure how her words were going over with the female ninja. Konan's face remained as blank as a sheet of paper. There was a pregnant pause before she finally spoke.

"I understand your apprehension," said Konan. Her amber eyes drifted down to the scroll Susan held in her hands. "But I see that someone has already taken a special interest in your welfare," she said.

Susan looked down at the scroll in her hands. "Oh, uh, yeah," she said. "It's, uh…"

"The signature scorpion on the scroll's seal tells me that Sasori would be the one who gave it to you," said Konan.

"He said it's one of those in-case-of-emergency things," said Susan. "I don't even know what's in it."

Konan folded her hands in front of her and stepped forward. "You two seem rather close," she said.

Susan felt a sudden twinge of nervousness. "Not really," she said. "He makes more of an effort to be cordial and, well..." She paused and cleared her throat. "Not that I don't think you and the others aren't…" Susan trailed off again and started over. "Okay, Hidan and Kakuzu are a couple of schmucks, but the rest of you are…alright, I guess," she said. Sort of, but not really, she thought. There were a few screws loose here and there, that was for sure.

"You don't trust us," said Konan.

Susan started to shake her head but then she decided, why deny it? She really didn't trust any of them, not even Sasori. "I'm sure you can understand why I wouldn't trust you," she said.

Konan shut her eyes and nodded her head. "It makes sense," she said. "However, the fact that you accepted that scroll from Sasori would prove that you do trust at least one of us to a certain extent."

Susan had to think about that for a moment. Sasori was nice, maybe a little too nice for his reputation, but he was also very honest. She thought about her first conversation with the puppet master when Sasori came right out and told her that he wouldn't hesitate to kill her and Mark. She wondered if he still stood by his threat.

"I guess," said Susan. "Anyway, how about helping me choose a weapon. I don't know what to use."

"You're better off choosing a familiar item as a makeshift weapon," said Konan. "Perhaps something similar to what your brother has chosen to arm himself with."

"A baseball bat?" said Susan. "I suppose that would work…"

"Perhaps you'd have better luck handling something small and sturdy," said Konan.

Susan thought about it for a moment. What was small and sturdy and made to bash heads in? When all else failed, go to the toolbox and get a hammer, or maybe a nice big stainless steel wrench. "I think I can come up with some alternative uses for a wrench," said Susan.

"That will work," said Konan. "For close range fighting."

"The kind of tool I'm talking about is small but it's heavy. Good for throwing," said Susan.

"A rule in weapons handling: don't throw your weapon unless you're confident that you can get it back. You'll be in trouble otherwise," said Konan. "You should carry a backup. Considering Sasori's skill in the element of surprise, that scroll you're holding will do," she said.

"Look, I don't plan on getting in the middle of your fight," said Susan. "I just want to make sure we have all our bases covered before we go out there."

Konan folded her hands in front of her again. It was such a feminine, almost matronly gesture, thought Susan. It was odd yet it suited the quiet woman. Konan hardly spoke in front of the others. When she did speak, her voice came out sort of deep and velvety, like a cat rubbing its smooth flank against one's bare leg. However, the frosty look in her eyes didn't match the honeyed tone of her voice at all. Her expression was as emotionally void as Itachi's, making her hard to read on the surface.

"May I ask you something? Girl to girl?" said Susan. Konan remained silent, so Susan just went for it. "Your group is made up of guys and you're the only female among them. How are women treated in your profession?" asked Susan.

"Women are treated the same as men," said Konan. "Mercy is not visited upon a woman in battle because of her gender. It's my worth as a ninja, not as a woman, that has earned respect from the others. My usefulness as a shinobi keeps me alive."

"But you still need someone to watch your back," said Susan. "That's why everyone in your group is paired off, right?"

"That's true," said Konan. She paused and tilted her head slightly, staring at Susan for a few moments. "You feel unsure of our intentions, and you don't see us as allies. I understand that," she said. "But you've done us a kindness by letting us stay here. I feel that you are entitled to the same security you have given us."

"You've only known us for five days," said Susan. "Why would you care what happens to us?"

Konan's thin eyebrows scrunched together, forming a crease in her otherwise immaculately smooth forehead. She really did look like she could have been a model. "Because you care what happens to us," said Konan. "And because it's the right thing to do."

Susan was slightly taken aback by her words, but her reaction was cut short by a loud bang downstairs. Footsteps clattered up the staircase and into the hallway. Within seconds the door to the study flew open and Tobi came running in.

"Help, Susan-san!" he screeched and ducked behind her, wrapping his arms around her middle and clinging on for dear life.

"What the…!" Susan wobbled on her feet as Deidara came barging into the room, his furious blue eyes scanning the area until they landed on Susan and then Tobi's orange mask peeking out from behind her. Tobi let out a whimper and buried his masked face in Susan's back, sliding to his knees and tightening his arms around her. This seemed to agitate Deidara even more.

Susan tried to turn around and face Tobi, but he refused to let go of her. "What is going on?" she asked.

"Tobi, I'm giving you to the count of three to give it back," said Deidara.

"No!" Tobi screeched.

Deidara growled. "One…"

"What did you take?" Susan asked Tobi.

"Nothing!" said Tobi.

"Two…" Deidara snarled.

"Stop fooling around," Konan said stonily, glaring at Deidara. The blond ninja grunted angrily and started toward Susan and Tobi.

"Tobi, let go," said Susan, now starting to panic. She grabbed Tobi's arms and tried to pry them off. "What's this all about?" she asked, looking confusedly at Deidara.

"Hand it over, Tobi, hmm," said Deidara.

"No!" Tobi said childishly, yanking Susan back when she tried to pull away.

"Three!" Deidara yelled and came at them, ready to tackle Tobi whether Susan was in the way or not.

Not wanting to be smashed up in a ninja sandwich, Susan tried to run away when Tobi suddenly let go of her. She dove to the floor as Tobi jumped up on the desk and let out a very girlish scream before Deidara jumped up and tackled the masked ninja, sending them both flying over the side of the desk, knocking over a stack of books and some knick knacks on their way down. They landed on the floor and at once a loud scuffle commenced behind the desk. Tobi's arms flailed frantically in the air before Deidara jumped on him and put him in a half nelson, banging Tobi's head on the desk before they disappeared behind it once again.

Susan hurried over to Konan and together they watched the scuffle as Tobi kept appearing over the edge of the desk and then disappearing as Deidara yanked him back down. There was a loud smack followed by Tobi's distinct wailing, "_Owwww!_"

"Shouldn't we try to stop them?" Susan asked Konan.

"I suppose," said Konan. She calmly walked around the desk and stood over the quarreling ninjas. Susan cautiously followed and she found Tobi locked in a pretzel hold with Deidara stretching his opponent's arms high above his head, apparently trying to pull them out of their sockets.

"What has gotten into you?" Susan asked them in bewilderment.

"Where is it?" Deidara interrogated Tobi. "Where are you hiding it, hmm?" He let go of Tobi's hands and put an arm around his neck, creating a chokehold. Tobi slowly lowered his trembling arm and reached into the waistband of his pants. He pulled out a crumpled pair of pink boy shorts with little flamingos on them. Susan recognized them immediately.

"What in the world are you doing with a pair of my shorts?" she asked.

"Tobi got them from Deidara-san," said Tobi.

Susan glared at Deidara. "Oh, really?" She grabbed the shorts from Tobi. "And what were _you_ doing with these?" she asked Deidara. Frankly, she didn't really want to know. Something perverted. She just knew it.

"Deidara-san was putting all of Susan-san's underwear in the freezer," said Tobi before Deidara cut him off with his chokehold.

"Shut up, Tobi! Hmm!"

Susan's shoulders sagged. "What are you talking about?" she growled.

"Deidara-san thought it would be funny to put Susan-san's underwear in the freezer!" Tobi wheezed as Deidara applied more pressure, causing the masked ninja to go limp from lack of oxygen.

Susan rolled her eyes heavenward and groaned. "Oh, for god sakes. I feel like I'm living with a bunch of children," she muttered and left the room.

"Hey, wait a minute!" Deidara yelled after her. He tried to get up but Tobi grabbed him and pulled him back down to the floor. Konan continued to stand there and watch as they resumed their wrestling match.

"Hmph. Children indeed," Konan murmured before leaving them to their quarrel.

Susan went downstairs to the kitchen where Kisame and Itachi were sitting at the counter dressed to kill in their Akatsuki cloaks and headbands. Kisame was eating a candy bar while Itachi was quietly reading a book. Susan opened the freezer door and sure enough, there was a bowl full of water with several pairs of her underwear soaking in it. She took the bowl out of the freezer and set it down on the counter.

"Do either of you know anything about this?" she asked them, pointing a finger at the bowl full of underwear.

Kisame started cracking up while Itachi didn't look so amused. Susan glared at Kisame. "You witnessed this moronic failure of a prank?" she asked the shark man.

Kisame grinned from ear to ear. "I don't know what you did to piss Deidara off, but let me be the first to tell you that it's officially on now," he said.

"It's on now?" Susan reached into the bowl and picked up a sopping pair of blue undies. "This is the oldest trick in the book. My grandpa used to do this to my grandma all the time back in the day," she said before she dropped the underwear back into the bowl.

"Just wait, it'll get a lot worse," said Kisame. "Deidara had a real nasty streak when he first joined the organization. At headquarters, he used to rig the toilets to explode and he put firecrackers under our pillows and in our food. Everyone had to sleep with one eye open for three months until that hothead finally settled down," he said.

"How did Sasori put up with it?" asked Susan as she took the bowl over to the sink and dumped the water out.

"Patience. Lots and lots of patience," said Kisame. "By the way, your bras are in the microwave."

Susan opened the microwave and found a wad of her bras stuffed inside. They were soaked in margarine. She tried to pull one out but the whole buttery mess fell onto the floor. "Sasori must be a freaking saint because I'm about ready to knock that explosive-happy nitwit on his ass," said Susan, gathering all her defiled underwear into her arms. "He's driving me up a wall with this shit."

Kisame's grin resurfaced. "I'll bet." He chuckled and took a bite out of his candy bar. Susan watched him eat and shut her eyes for a moment, shaking her head.

"Do you ever stop eating?" she asked the shark man.

"I need the calories," Kisame grunted, tearing off another piece of chocolate with his sharp teeth.

"You're already built like a Clydesdale," said Susan. "You managed to eat an entire colossal bag of potato chips in one sitting. I'd go easy on the junk food if I were you."

Kisame paused mid-bite and frowned at her. "Are you calling me fat?"

"I didn't say that," said Susan.

"It does seem like you've put on a few pounds," said Itachi. He licked his finger and turned a page in his book. "You could barely fasten the button on your uniform pants."

Kisame growled and put the candy bar down. "They shrank in the wash, all right? I'm not fat."

"Nobody said you're fat," said Susan. "You're very healthy. It's the muscles. Really, it is."

"Even if I did gain a few pounds, it's because we've been sitting around here scratching our ass for the past five days," Kisame grumbled. "I'm not used to this lazy lifestyle."

"What would you be doing if you were back in your home world right now? Power walking through the woods?" asked Susan.

"Yes," said Kisame while Itachi answered with a very strong "NO" at the same time. They turned to each other and exchanged glares.

"We were hiking to some backwoods village in Fire Country before we came here," said Kisame. "We hadn't seen a single human being for three days. Frankly, I was ecstatic to see you coming out of the shower when we showed up here," he said, smiling at Susan and waggling his eyebrows up and down. Dear Lord, why did he have to keep reminding her of that awkward moment?

"You guys must do a lot of camping," Susan said dryly, killing the previous subject with another. "That's the ultimate in male bonding, you know. Spending quality time with a buddy in the middle of nowhere."

"Try doing it twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week with the same person for the past eight years," said Kisame. He jabbed a thumb at Itachi. "After a while, we run out of things to talk about."

Susan looked at Itachi. He didn't strike her as someone who spouted a fountain of conversation. One would probably have a more stimulating experience talking to a tree, but that was just her impression of Itachi's verbal void at that point. He kept to himself, which was fine considering his cold nature, but Susan wondered what he and Kisame talked about when they were alone together. What did they really think of each other? What did they really think of her and Mark? It probably didn't matter now that they would be going home soon, but still. Susan couldn't help but be curious.

"Well, if you gentlemen will excuse me, I'm going to go hide my skivvies and then I'm going to go find my stainless steel wrench and get some payback," she said and headed for the basement with her underwear in her arms. Kisame's chuckle blossomed into growling laughter.

"If I see Deidara, I'll be sure to send him your way," he said.

"You're a pal," Susan called over her shoulder before she disappeared down the stairs.

Meanwhile, Mark was in the garage loading his dad's chainsaw into the back of the Suburban. Hidan probably wouldn't get a chance to use it, but at least it would be there in case anyone found a need for it. Mark covered the chainsaw with a blanket to try and mask the smell of gasoline that reeked from the fuel tank. It was one of those really noisy chainsaws that had a pull cord and blew stinky exhaust, so it reeked either way.

"I still don't see how these guys can climb walls and manipulate objects with this chakra crap," said Robert. He had followed Mark into the garage because he didn't want to be left alone with the ninjas. "I mean they've got to be aliens from another planet or something because it seems like the rules of gravity don't apply to them here."

Mark shut the rear doors on the truck and turned to him. "You shouldn't read too much into it," he said. "You're overanalyzing everything to the point of utter confusion."

"I'm just trying to figure all this out," said Robert. "I've never seen anything like them."

"They come off as unusual, I know," said Mark. "But they're pretty normal once you get past their weirdness."

Robert wiped his sweaty forehead. "Weirdness is an understatement. That one guy with the stitches looks like a freaking zombie."

"That's because he kind of is," said Mark.

Robert paused and blink-twitched. "That's some fucked up shit," he muttered.

"Look, I know you're overwhelmed, but try to stay rational," said Mark. "It wouldn't kill you to be a little open-minded about this."

"I'm sorry but this is a lot to absorb at the moment," said Robert.

"Well, you better absorb it quickly because we're getting ready to leave soon," said Mark as he headed into the house.

"Speaking of which, who's going to be riding in my car?" asked Robert as he followed close behind.

"We've already made seating arrangements," said Mark. "You're taking Kisame and Itachi."

Robert looked incredibly distressed. "You mean the shark guy and…"

"The guy with the red eyes," said Mark. "And Tobi." He paused in the living room and turned to Robert. "I'll ride up front with you if it'll make you feel better."

Robert didn't look relieved. "You're going to make me chauffeur the masked blunder around? That guy's annoying as hell. Did you hear him singing a few minutes ago? He sounds like a cat with throat cancer being strangled."

Mark shrugged. "So Tobi likes to sing, big deal. He sticks with me. He's my body guard."

"Are you kidding?" asked Robert. "Do I get a body guard?"

"Tobi will cover both of us," said Mark.

"Oh, great," muttered Robert. "Can't we get the puppet guy to do it? Or how about the bomb guy? At least those guys look like they can seriously kick someone's ass."

"Tobi kicks just as much ass," Mark argued.

Robert looked a little disappointed, but he sighed and nodded. "Okay, I guess I'll take your word for it, but I wouldn't put too much faith in these guys," he said. "You never know when they might turn on you."

Mark frowned at him. He didn't want to think about that, but there was a distinct possibility that it could happen. In the long run, Mark and Susan's lives weren't of much importance in comparison to all ten of theirs as a whole. It simply didn't balance out. They were living for a cause that could affect their whole world if their goals were accomplished and now that they'd figured out how to get home, they wouldn't need Mark and Susan to help them anymore. Mark felt a pang of sadness at the thought of them leaving, but he figured they wouldn't miss him or Susan at all. The past five days had only been a convenience to them anyway.

"You might be right," said Mark. "We'll just have to wait and see what happens, won't we?"

Robert looked at him and stroked his bottom lip with his thumb thoughtfully. "Markus, I'd like you to be perfectly honest with me," he said. "Does Susan have a thing going with any of them?"

Mark looked a little horrified at that question. "A _thing?_"

"Is she sleeping with any of them?" Robert asked bluntly.

"Not to my knowledge," said Mark. In fact, he was sure his sister wasn't fooling around with any of them. She wasn't even that friendly with them and they didn't seem to like her all that much either. Well, except maybe Sasori and Kisame. Susan could butter the shark man up with the salute of her middle finger (Kisame admitted that he found her witticisms and snappishness to be endearing) while Sasori took more of an intellectual interest in her since Susan liked to pick his brain every once in a while.

Right then, Susan walked into the living room. She had changed into a black long-sleeved tunic shirt with a long midriff that hung low like a skirt while her legs were clad in a pair of black stretchy leggings tucked into a pair of black sued pipeline boots—she though it didn't hurt to be stylish as well as camouflaged. The lodestone necklace hung around her neck and a tool belt was slung low on her hips. Mark could see a large double-headed wrench and a hammer hanging on the belt. She tossed him a black hooded sweatshirt and he caught it in his arms.

"What's with the utility belt, Batman?" Mark asked her.

Susan looked down at herself. "Is it too much?"

"Not if you're going to go fix the roof or something," said Mark.

"Or pull a jewelry heist in that outfit," added Robert, looking her up and down and admiring her shapely legs.

"They said to wear dark clothing," said Susan. She swept a hand up and down her ensemble. "So I'm wearing dark clothing."

"They didn't tell _me_ to wear dark clothing," said Mark.

"Well, put that on anyway," said Susan, pointing at the sweatshirt in Mark's hands.

"What about me?" Robert queried. "I don't have anything dark to wear."

"You'll be fine," said Susan. "Besides, it doesn't really matter because you and Mark are waiting in the car."

"And you're not?" asked Mark.

"I'm not going with them but I have to keep a lookout," said Susan. "I'll probably stick with you guys in the parking lot."

"Good," said Robert, nodding vigorously. "That's good."

Susan raised an eyebrow at him. "You scared?"

"It's really more of a nervous feeling," said Robert.

"Good because so am I," said Susan as she slipped the tool belt off but took the wrench out of its holder. She turned it this way and that as she examined it. "I don't think I'll need this, but I'd feel safer if I had something I could use as a weapon. That rabbit thing scared the shit out of me last night and I don't want it happening again."

Pain and the rest of the group came into the living room, all except for Tobi wearing their cloaks and headbands. Mark slipped his sweatshirt on and pushed his hair out of his eyes. "Are you ready to go?" he asked.

"We are," said Pain. Kisame and Hidan lugged their large weapons onto their shoulders and nodded in agreement, their eyes shining brightly with anticipation.

Susan took a deep breath and sighed. "All right, kiddies. Let's rock and roll."

She waited by the door for everyone to file out of the house. Deidara was the last to leave and he stopped in the doorway to smile naughtily at her. Susan's eyes grew small and she crossed her arms over her chest. "Your lame prank might have succeeded had Tobi not rescued my underwear from the freezer," she said. "Kisame said you were a master of tricks, but honestly. Your taste is juvenile."

He grinned at her. "I was wrong when I thought you had boring taste in underwear. I never would have guessed you were a fan of pink flamingos and lace, hmm. "

Susan shook her head and scowled in disbelief. "Your have the maturity of a ten-year-old."

"I can show you how mature I am," he offered suggestively, pushing his hair out of his eyes and winking at her.

"Shut up and get out of my house," snapped Susan, pushing Deidara out the door and shutting it behind her. Deidara laughed all the way over to his partner's side as he slipped his scope onto his eye. Sasori gave him an odd look before he opened the rear passenger door of the Suburban and climbed in, Deidara chuckling behind him as he followed. Susan opened the front passenger door for Pain and he paused to regard her with a peculiar look.

"After you," she said, making a sweeping gesture toward the passenger seat. If the Akatsuki leader felt ill at ease about riding in the truck, he didn't show it, but Susan thought she should encourage him anyway.

Robert had to clear some junk—some boxes of paper, a computer keyboard and his work satchel—out of the backseat of his car to fit his three new passengers. Kisame's sword went in the trunk despite the shark man's protests. Tobi ended up sitting between Kisame and Itachi. Neither of the two partners seemed thrilled to be stuck in the backseat with Tobi as he invaded their personal spaces in every possible way. The leather upholstery made flatulent groaning noises as Tobi squirmed around.

"Will you stop doing that?" Kisame snapped.

"Tobi can't get comfortable," Tobi complained.

"You're making us all uncomfortable, now stop it," said Kisame.

"Hey, watch the leather seats," grated Robert. "I just bought this car."

Mark turned around in his seat. "Everyone have their seatbelts buckled?"

"Tobi can't find his seatbelt," said Tobi, digging around in the crevices of the seat. Both Kisame and Itachi jumped as he shoved his hands under their butts in search of his seatbelt. Kisame yanked Tobi's hand out from under him.

"Keep your mitts to yourself," he grouched, letting go of Tobi.

"Sometimes the middle seatbelt gets shoved way into the seat back there," said Robert. "I never have to use it so I always forget about it." He put the car in reverse and turned so he could see where he was backing down the driveway. He glanced at Tobi. "Just hold onto one of your buddies back there and I'm sure you'll be fine."

Meanwhile, Susan was waiting for Zetsu to climb into the back. His Venus flytrap was too large to fit into a seat, so he had to sit in the rear cargo space. When he was in, Susan shut the rear door and went around the side of the truck and climbed into the driver's seat. When she started the truck, the radio instantly blared to life, shooting a painful dose of Nazareth's "Hair of the Dog" into everybody's eardrums. Susan turned it down and glared into the rearview mirror.

"Thank you, Deidara, for turning the volume way, way up before you got out of the truck the other day!" she yelled. Deidara sat behind her trying to contain his laughter while Sasori looked on in annoyance. The gags just didn't stop with Deidara. Susan backed down the driveway and followed behind Robert's car. About a block into their travels, Susan caught a whiff of gasoline coming from inside the truck. She sniffed and checked the rearview mirror. "Does anybody smell that?" she asked.

Deidara and Sasori sniffed the air and exchanged confused glances. "It smells weird, hmm," said Deidara. "What is that?"

Susan sniffed the air. "It smells like gas."

Kakuzu glared at Hidan. "Goddamn it, Hidan, you didn't just do _that_ in here, did you?"

"It wasn't me!" said Hidan. "Maybe it was Zetsu."

"**The one who smelt it dealt it**," said Zetsu.

"No, not _that._ I mean it smells like gasoline in here," Susan said, now thoroughly annoyed.

Hidan glanced over the back of his seat where Mark had put the chainsaw. Zetsu appeared to have found the source of the odor and he looked questioningly at Hidan. The Jashinist pressed a finger to his lips for silence and then made a slitting motion across his throat as he uttered a warning. "Say anything and I will use that chainsaw to turn you into compost," he said lowly. Zetsu narrowed his eyes at him and looked away while Hidan cleared his throat casually and made up an excuse. "I must have stepped in a puddle of that crap in the garage. It's all over me," he said.

Susan sighed and opened her window, as did Pain and everyone else. "Goddamn it," muttered Kakuzu as he pulled his mask down to catch the breeze.

It was 10:00 PM when they arrived at Diamond Lake Park. The parking lot was deserted, as Susan hoped it would be. The street lamps buzzed loudly overhead as they bathed the lot in a sickly orange heat lamp glow. Everyone got out of the two vehicles and Mark went and stood at the edge of the parking lot. He cupped his hand over his eyes and looked into the hazy darkness. He could see the edge of the woods outlined by the light of the full moon. There wasn't a cloud in the sky, so visibility wouldn't be much of a problem once they got away from the lights in the parking lot. However, Mark noticed that it was eerily quiet. He couldn't hear any crickets chirping or frogs chorusing in the marshland across the lake. There wasn't even a breeze stirring the trees. Everything was completely still and quiet. It was almost as if the park had been swallowed up in a vacuum. Itachi came and stood beside Mark. He appeared to have noticed it as well.

"Listen," said Mark, cocking his head. "It's totally silent out here. No crickets, no frogs, no wind." He looked at Itachi. "Nothing."

Itachi lifted his chin and looked up at the moon. "There's an imbalance in the air," he said. "Perhaps the local wildlife sensed it."

"It's that creature," said Mark. "It doesn't belong here, so it's upsetting the balance."

Itachi looked at Mark. "I believe your intuition is correct," he said.

Susan opened the rear doors of the Suburban to let Zetsu out and she spotted an object wrapped in a blanket on the trunk space floor. She pulled the blanket away and discovered the chainsaw. "What the hell is this doing here?" she asked, turning to look at Hidan and Kakuzu.

"You don't know?" said Hidan, hauling his scythe onto his shoulder.

"I didn't put it there," said Susan. She looked accusingly at Hidan. "I heard you talking to Mark about a chainsaw at dinner. Did you have something to do with this?" she asked him.

Hidan raised an incredulous eyebrow, staying cool despite being caught. "I wouldn't know about it. Ask your brother," he said, giving her a winning smile that made her want to knock every one of his teeth out.

Kakuzu sneered at his partner. "Looks like your smuggling deal is off," he said.

"My brother was going to let you use a chainsaw?" asked Susan in disbelief.

Hidan looked away and pouted. Kakuzu grabbed him by the back of his neck, pinching a bundle of nerves that made the Jashinist yelp and try to punch his partner in the ribs, but Kakuzu grabbed Hidan's fist with his other hand and pinched his partner's neck even harder.

"All right, all right! Fuck!" Hidan yelped and Kakuzu let go of him. Hidan straightened up and rubbed his sore neck. "I may have persuaded the brat to smuggle the chainsaw onboard for me," he grumbled.

"What in the hell do you need a chainsaw for?" asked Susan. Hidan opened his mouth to speak but then Susan waved him off. "Never mind, I think I already know," she said, putting her hands on her hips and shaking her head. "Jesus _Christ_," she muttered and slammed the rear doors of the truck closed before stalking off to join Pain and the others. Hidan glared nastily at Kakuzu and the masked ninja crossed his arms over his chest, silently gloating over his partner's foiled plan.

"I know what you're going to say, so do me a favor and shut the fuck up," snapped Hidan before he turned and stomped away, Kakuzu chuckling darkly as he followed his partner.

"So what's the plan here?" asked Susan as she squeezed her way into the circle between Kisame and Tobi. Mark and Robert stood close by, both listening carefully.

"We're going to lure the creature out of its sanctuary," said Pain. "In order to do that, we need bait." He looked at Deidara. "You're going in," he said. Deidara didn't look pleased, but he nodded in acceptance. Pain looked at Susan. "And you," he told her.

"Me?" said Susan, pressing a hand to her chest. "Why me?"

"It marked you and Deidara with its claws," said Pain. "That makes you both targets. Once it marks an opponent, it will try to follow through with a kill."

"You said I wouldn't have to do anything like this," said Susan. "My job is to…"

"Plans change," said Pain. "If you stay here with your brother and your friend, you'll risk bringing the creature's wrath down on their heads."

Susan looked at Mark and Robert, who seemed to have heard everything because they both looked very nervous all the sudden. "Why didn't you tell me about this sooner?" she asked Pain.

"You would have refused to come with us," said Pain. "We'll have a less successful chance of pulling this off without your participation."

Susan shook her head. "I'm not doing it."

Pain cocked his head at her and stepped forward. "You have two choices," he said sternly. "You can do as I say and make this easier on all of us, or you can be a coward and place the burden on your loved ones."

Susan squinted at him and placed her hands on her hips. "Are you threatening me?"

"It's not a threat," said Pain. "Those are your options."

Susan frowned and swallowed a dry lump that had formed in her throat. She looked at her brother. She could just tell Robert to take Mark home where they'd both be safe, but she knew her brother would refuse. Mark shook his head at her, his eyes silently pleading. He wanted to see this through.

"Do it," said Mark. He tried to smile at her. "We'll wait right here until you get back."

Robert put a hand on Mark's shoulder. "I'll keep him in the car," he said.

Susan sighed and looked at Pain. "I'm not a coward," she said. "I'll do it. But I am NOT cool with this," she said, jabbing her finger at him to illustrate her outrage, but Pain ignored it and turned his attention to the others.

"Zetsu, you take perimeter and watch the bait until the hook is set. Alert me if trouble arises," he said. "The rest of us will wait at the tree line. We'll blindside the creature once it makes its appearance."

"What about us?" said Susan.

"Deidara will know what to do," said Pain. Susan looked at Deidara, who was busy fiddling with his scope. He didn't seem to be paying much attention to the discussion.

"You all know your parts, now let's do this," said Pain before he and Konan began their trek towards the forest with the others in tow. However, Sasori stayed behind a moment to speak with Deidara. Susan wasn't standing close enough to hear their conversation clearly, but she caught a few murmurings in Japanese between the two. She noticed the irritated look on Deidara's face as Sasori turned and left to follow the others up the hill. Susan approached Deidara and tugged on his sleeve.

"What did he say to you?" she asked him. His eyes followed his partner's retreating back and a sardonic smirk grew on his face.

"Hmph. He said that if I get you killed, he's going to add me to his collection of human taxidermy," he said. Susan frowned at him as he started toward the edge of the parking lot. She looked at Mark and Robert. Tobi had joined them by Robert's car. She went to them and pulled her brother into a hug.

"Just in case I don't make it out of the woods alive," she said.

"Don't say crap like that to me," said Mark as he pulled away. "You'll be fine."

"Always the optimist," said Susan, ruffling his hair. She turned to Robert and saw that he was watching her with a slightly defeated look on his face. "If something really bad happens, you start the car and get the fuck out of Dodge," she told him before she turned to Tobi. "Can I count on you to keep these two hunyucks in line?" she asked him.

Tobi gave her a salute. "Tobi will take good care of Mark-san and Bob."

"It's Rob," Robert grated through clenched teeth.

"Come on, we don't have all night! Hmm!" Deidara called from across the parking lot.

"The troops are getting restless. I better go," said Susan. She trotted over to join Deidara and together they hiked up the hill toward the edge of the woods where Pain and the others were waiting for them. Susan had her flashlight and her trusty steel wrench with her. She patted herself down to make sure she had everything she needed. She had wrapped Sasori's scroll into a sheer scarf that she had tied and knotted securely around her waist underneath her shirt. The lodestone necklace was around her neck for safe keeping. She didn't trust anyone else to hold on to it. Check, check, and check.

She and Deidara entered the woods and Susan lit their way with the flashlight. "Are you sure you remember where the burrow is?" she asked him.

"I have a photographic memory. Of course I know where it is, hmm," he grumbled as he stepped around a cluster of poison ivy.

"I don't know why I agreed to do this," she said. "The woods are so creepy at night."

"What are you talking about, hmm? It's totally dead out here," said Deidara.

"That's what I mean. It doesn't feel like there's a single living creature besides us around here," said Susan. She tripped on an exposed tree root and stumbled a few steps, shining her flashlight on the ground.

"Stop talking," said Deidara as he shoved a wayward tree branch out of his face. "We don't want that thing to know we're coming, hmm."

"Isn't it our job to attract its attention?" said Susan. "We should have just strapped a rack of ribs around our waists, covered ourselves in barbecue sauce and rang the dinner bell. That would have been a lot easier."

At last they came to the burrow. Deidara looked around and saw that there was no activity happening inside. He and Susan stepped cautiously to the edge of the hole she had fallen into earlier that day. Deidara leaned in next to Susan. "Remember what you did to me down there?" he asked playfully, nudging her with his elbow.

Susan wrinkled her nose as a flashback from earlier in the day came to mind. "How can you think of _that_ at a time like this?"

"You're the one who groped me first," said Deidara.

Susan turned to him and put her hands on her hips. "I thought it would spook you into getting off of me," she said. "Don't misconstrue it as anything more."

Deidara turned to face her. "Then how do you explain what happened in the car, hmm?" he asked her. "You sure as hell didn't do that to scare me."

"I, uh…" Susan scratched her head and looked around. "I didn't mean it."

Deidara crossed his arms over his chest. "And what was all that talking you did in my ear? What was the point of that, hmm?"

"You did it, too," Susan argued. "After a while you stopped making sense."

"Did it have to make sense at that point?" he snapped.

"I got caught up in the moment, that's all," said Susan. "You started the whole thing, anyway."

Deidara scoffed. "And you were about to finish it," he said, his mouth twisting into a smile.

"Yeah, well, I didn't, did I?" said Susan, folding her arms over her chest and straightening herself almost to his height. He still had a couple of inches on her. Damn him.

"What's holding you back, hmm?" said Deidara.

"Nothing!" she blurted and then bit her tongue. Deidara smirked triumphantly at her.

"See?" he said. "Nothing. No boyfriend. No strings attached."

"Shut up," she groaned and turned away from him, but then she froze as an odd sound caught her ear.

"_Eep?_"

Susan turned around and looked at Deidara. "Was that you?"

He gave her a weird look. "I thought you did it, hmm."

Susan shook her head. "Nope."

"_Eep?_"

They both jumped and turned in the direction of the noise, but Susan's flashlight revealed nothing.

"_Eep? Eep?_"

"There it is again," said Susan as she swept the flashlight over the surrounding brush.

"_Eep? Eep?_"

"What is that?" said Susan as she turned around. The strange querying sounded like a cross between a guinea pig bleat and the chittering vocals of a raccoon. The beam of her flashlight suddenly illuminated a pair of very round, very pink eyes set in a chubby face covered in soft white fur. "Wah!" Susan cried out and stumbled backwards into Deidara, who caught her before she could fall over.

"What's the matter with you?" he asked and Susan aimed her flashlight at the pair of eyes that was now intently watching them. It was a rabbit—an abnormally large rabbit, roughly the size of a Labrador or some other big breed of dog. It was sitting up on its hind legs, its plump body covered from ear to toe in thick, snowy white fur. No fangs. No glowing red eyes. It appeared harmless.

"_Eep?_" the rabbit queried, tilting its head and cocking its large ears forward. It took a butt-dragging hop towards them. Deidara flinched and quickly pulled Susan back.

"That doesn't look like our abominable bunny rabbit," she whispered, clinging to the front of Deidara's cloak. "Ours was bigger, wasn't it?"

Deidara nodded. "Way bigger. Hmm."

"Where the hell did this thing come from, then?" said Susan. "I thought there was only supposed to be one of these things."

"_Eep? Eep?_" the rabbit chirped. A chorus of eeps echoed in response.

"Shit. There are more of them," said Susan. She grabbed Deidara's arm. "What are we gonna do?"

"Stay calm," said Deidara. "Don't make any sudden moves. I watched a special on wilderness survival the other day, un. You're supposed to stay completely still when you encounter a wild animal."

"I don't know. That works for bears, maybe, but this is a little different," said Susan as she slowly backed away from the rabbit. It took another butt-dragging hop towards them and leaned forward on its front paws, its pink nose trembling as it sniffed the air. Susan raised her eyebrows and let it come closer to sniff at her boot.

"Hey, I think this one might be friendly," she said. However, her encouraging thoughts dissipated as the rabbit pulled back as if it had been slapped and its face scrunched into a grimace revealing sharp interlocked teeth. It growled at her with all the pint-sized ferocity of a Chihuahua.

"That doesn't sound very friendly, hmm," said Deidara. The rabbit suddenly leapt at them and Susan was pushed out of the way and into the giant rabbit hole in the ground. Deidara's fist connected with the rabbit's face and the force of the blow knocked the creature several feet away before it recovered and charged at him again. Meanwhile, Susan had tumbled to the bottom of the hole and landed flat on her ass.

"Damn it!" she cursed. "Thanks a lot, Deidara! You pushed me in the freaking hole!"

"_I'm sorry!_" he yelled as he wrestled with the rabbit, holding its jaws open as it tried to take a bite out of his face.

"Get me out of here!" she yelled.

Deidara kneed the rabbit in the stomach but it resisted and pinned his legs to the ground with its big hind feet. "I'm a little busy!" Deidara yelled, grabbing hold of the rabbit's muzzle when it tried to bite him again.

Susan tried to climb up the wall, but the dirt was too loose and she slid back down to the ground. "Deidara, get your butt over here and help me out of this hole!"

"Shut up and let me work!" yelled Deidara. He had a hold it the rabbit's ears and was trying to climb onto its back. "Zetsu, you sonuvabitch, I hope you're calling for backup _right now!_" he called out to the woods. A kunai flew out of nowhere and pierced the rabbit through the back of the neck, severing its spinal cord and causing it to go limp and collapse. Deidara rolled off of it and landed on his back. "Oh, good. You're here," he said as Sasori leaned over him.

"Where is Susan-san?" he asked as he helped his partner up.

"She's in the hole," said Deidara as he started toward the burrow, but Sasori caught him by the arm.

"Don't move," he said. "We're being watched."

"I know, un. There's a bunch of those things hiding in the bushes all over," said Deidara. "Leader said there was only supposed to be one of these fucking things, hmm!"

Pain and Konan dropped out of the trees and landed on the ground next to them, followed by Itachi, Kisame, Hidan and Kakuzu. Hidan walked over to the dead rabbit and kicked it. "Aw, fuck. We missed out," he said.

Pain approached the fresh corpse. "This is not our target," he said.

"What the fuck are you talking about, sir?" said Hidan. "It's a giant rabbit."

"No. It's a trap," said Pain.

"_Eep? Eep?_" came a chorus from all sides.

"What the fuck is that?" said Hidan, looking around. Several pairs of luminous pink eyes appeared out of the darkness as the chorus of eeps grew louder.

"We're surrounded," said Sasori.

"Oh, fuck. What the fuck is this?" said Hidan as he backed up next to Kakuzu. More and more pairs of eyes appeared and furry white faces came forth from the darkness.

"It's an ambush," said Itachi. "They were waiting for us to come here."

"Where'd all these fuckers come from?" said Hidan. "I thought there was only supposed to be one of these things."

"Shadow clones, probably," muttered Kakuzu.

"Hmm." Deidara growled and started toward the burrow but Sasori held him back.

"She's better off staying down there for now," said Sasori. "These creatures are out for blood. We can't draw their attention to her."

Deidara grabbed his partner's sleeve and pulled him closer. "There's already something down there with her," he said. "Something _big_. Can't you feel it?"

"I can feel it all over the place," said Sasori. He narrowed his eyes at one of the creatures as it stepped furtively from under a cluster of ferns. "These things definitely aren't shadow clones," he said.

"Looks like we're outnumbered," said Hidan. He grinned and held his scythe in front of him. "My kind of odds."

"_Heh_. Mine, too," said Kisame, grinning manically as he hefted his heavy sword onto his shoulder.

"Don't get too cocky," said Pain. "Everyone form a circle, back to back. We engage on my command." They backed into a tight circle, Hidan and Kisame holding their weapons at the ready. More rabbit creatures appeared out of the brush. They seemed countless in number, a massive crowd of white bodies slowly closing in on the circle of ninjas.

Susan pressed close to the wall of the hole, digging her fingers into the earth. She had been listening to the activity going on above and it sounded like there was going to be a show. This was it. The fight was on. What the fuck was she going to do if one or more of those things came tumbling into the hole with her? Susan looked around and spotted her steel wrench and flashlight on the ground. She picked up the wrench and held it to her chest as she leaned against the earthen wall.

"Any time now, boss," said Hidan. "I can feel these fuckers breathing on me."

"Deidara, start us off," said Pain.

Deidara was already ahead of the game. He made a hand sign and shut his eyes, uttering a command to detonate the micro bombs he had released into the air not long before his comrades arrived to help.

What followed was a disaster.

* * *

Ah, I love cliffhangers. There was some action in here, but I couldn't give too much away because there will be plenty of it in the next chapter. You can bet Usagi will show up very, very soon. And where the hell did all those little bunnies come from? I don't know where the "Eep?" sound effect came from. It sure is cute, though.

Review? You know you want to!

Later!


	16. The Quick Solution

Hey! I'm back in the writing groove and happy about it! It has been a while and I thought I wouldn't get a new chapter out until December, but here it is.

Disclaimer: Naruto is property of Mr. Kishimoto. I only own the OCs. **Warning!** There are some offensive quotes in here thanks to Hidan's filthy mouth and narrow mind. Don't blame me. Blame the evil skeleton man with the scythe sticking out of his pants.

Enjoy!

* * *

Chapter 16

The Quick Solution

Robert shifted restlessly in the driver's seat. He rested his elbow on the door armrest before he changed his mind and leaned on the console between the seats. All the while he stared out the windshield, chewing the inside of his cheek so hard that Mark could hear the faint clicking of his teeth from where he was sitting in the passenger seat. Tobi was in the back seat, leaning towards the window with his chin resting in the palm of his hand. He appeared to be gazing out the window at the empty parking lot. Occasionally he emitted a muffled sigh behind his mask. To Mark, each sigh seemed louder than the last.

He looked at his digital wristwatch and counted ten minutes since Susan and Deidara disappeared into the woods while the others spread out and melded into the shadows along the tree line. He wondered how long it would take them to complete their task. He shuddered to think that his sister might not come back alive.

Robert leaned forward and rested his arms on the steering wheel, leaning his chin on his forearm and sighing loudly before he pushed himself back in his seat again. He looked in the rearview mirror at Tobi, opened his mouth and drew breath as if he were about to speak but then closed it, directing his gaze out the windshield once more. Mark glanced at him and knew, just knew, that there were at least a hundred questions on Robert's mind.

"How long do you think this is going to take?" said Robert.

"They just went out there." Mark checked his watch again.

"I can't see them anymore," said Robert, craning his neck as if it would help him see through the darkness.

"That's because it's dark out," said Mark, "And they blend really well."

"Blend," asked Robert.

"Yeah," said Mark. "That's what ninjas do. They become one with their surroundings."

Robert groaned and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Give me a break, Markus."

Mark sighed loudly through his nose and scowled at the window. "Whatever. None of this means crap to you anyway."

Robert turned to him. "Look, I'm still on the fence about this ninja conspiracy," he said.

"It's not a conspiracy," said Mark defensively.

"I don't know what else to call it," said Robert. "I come to your house and find all these strange men waltzing around acting like they own the place. I—" He stopped to take a breath, sighed and shook his head. "I thought Susan was smarter than this. She usually doesn't trust crazy people."

"I convinced her to let them stay with us," said Mark, "Otherwise she would have tried to kick them out herself."

"I wouldn't blame her if she did," said Robert. "Don't you think that these ninjas are a little psychotic?" He looked over his shoulder at Tobi. "No offense, man."

Tobi poked his head up front. "None taken," he said brightly. "Tobi will have you know that psychological evaluations are a part of Leader-sama's recruiting process."

"To weed out the sane ones, no doubt," Robert said under his breath.

"On the contrary, if any of them were mentally ill, Leader-sama would have to be sure that they were at least highly functioning," said Tobi.

"Great, so everyone in your little club is a highly functioning lunatic," said Robert.

"With a few exceptions," said Tobi.

"Like who?" said Robert.

_KA-BOOM_

The explosion was a two-syllable pulse in the distance. Mark felt it rumble deep in his chest and he turned so suddenly that he smacked his forehead against the window, but he didn't mind it as he stared with wide eyes at the cloud of white smoke rising above the treetops.

"Shit," he said, opening his door and getting out of the car.

"Get back in the car," said Robert, but Mark slammed the door behind him.

Tobi got out of the car as well and came up beside Mark. They watched the smoke drift higher in the sky for a moment or two before Tobi planted his knuckles on his hips and rocked back on his heels.

"Well, that can't be good," he said, scratching his head.

Susan opened her eyes but was forced to squeeze them closed when she felt the sting of something gritty spill down over her lashes. She could remember hearing and feeling the blast before something heavy fell on top of her and pinned her flat against the ground. She tried to move but her entire body was weighed down. Her ears rang and it was difficult to breathe. When she tried, she sucked dirt up her nose and into her mouth. And then it dawned on her. She was stuck under a massive hill of dirt that was knocked loose from the wall during the explosion. Susan tried to call out for help but her mouth filled with dirt. Her fingers wriggled around, trying to loosen the packed soil until she started to move her arms, but she wasn't getting anywhere. Panic started to set in as she held what small bit of air she had left in her lungs and started to wriggle around frantically.

She paused when she heard something stirring in the soil above her when suddenly a pair of hands gripped her arms and dragged her none too gently upward through the soil. Susan grasped the sinewy arms connected to the hands holding her and kicked and pushed with her legs. At last she broke the surface and gasped, a languid feeling washing over her as her vision sparkled like television static. The hands that were pulling her suddenly let go, causing her to fall forward and land face down in the dirt. She turned her head and saw the ghostly outline of Zetsu hovering above her.

"Snap out of it," said Zetsu as he crawled further out of his Venus flytrap and bent toward her. "You have to get up."

Susan rolled over and sat up, her hands sinking up to the wrists in the loose soil. "What just happened?"

"Deidara," said Zetsu.

Not needing an explanation, Susan nodded her head and winced as a dull throb pulsed behind her eyes. She reached up and touched the spot between her eyebrows. "Ugh, God, I really hope he cleaned house with that one," she muttered, rubbing her neck.

Zetsu looked up and furrowed his eyebrows. His nostrils twitched as he sniffed the air. "**I smell burning flesh**," he said, one corner of his mouth curling upward. Susan looked at him, her lip curled slightly in disgust.

Above ground, Hidan lifted his head from the ground and squinted at the dust and slowly clearing smoke. He blinked hard to wet his eyes and hauled himself up with a grunt, bending his neck this way and that until he heard a satisfying crick in his vertebrae. He dusted himself off and looked around.

"Holy shit, man," he turned to Deidara, who was squatting on the ground with his back to him, "What the fuck was that shit? You totally killed our fun for the night." He whipped his arm out and gestured wildly at the mess surrounding them. Steaming chunks of bunny flesh and singed fur hung from the tips of tree branches and littered the ground. Dark spatters stained the ground in windblown patterns. There were deep pits in the ground and splintered tears in the trunks of trees where Deidara's airborne explosives had detonated.

"I'd be more grateful if I were you. I just made everyone's life a lot easier. Hmm," said Deidara.

"You blew them all up," said Hidan, his tone on the brink of whining.

"So sue me," said Deidara, brushing a piece of burnt rabbit hair off his shoulder and glancing over at Sasori. The puppet master was kneeling on the ground picking flecks of burnt flesh out of his hair.

"Yeah, I'll sue you," said Hidan, bending over to pick up his scythe, "For being a crazy lesbian, you little hermaphrodite!"

"You only wish you could do what I do, you uncultured idiot," said Deidara. "Where I come from, androgyny is an artistic style of expression. But you don't understand that, just like you don't understand a lot of things. Hmm."

"Uncultured?" said Hidan. He turned around and stalked toward Deidara, raising his scythe in the air. "Uncultured? I'll show you uncultured, you motherf—"

Kakuzu grabbed the collar of Hidan's cloak and dragged him back. "Shut up," he snapped. "It's not bad enough that I'm broke and stranded in this backwards-ass dimension covered in viscera. I also have to stand here listening to you bitch about every goddamn thing that goes wrong."

"Nothing went wrong," said Deidara. "We had a problem. I blew it up. End of problem."

"He's right," said Kisame. He hefted his sword off his shoulder and dug the narrow end into the ground with a heavy thud, leaning forward on the hilt. "Though I am a bit disappointed that we didn't get to play with these little monstrosities," he said, kicking a half-blown-apart skull with a fuzzy ear still attached to it.

"All because little Boom-Boom over here had to blast the shit out of them," said Hidan, glaring at Deidara.

"Enough," said Pain. "This is not the end of it. We've only destroyed the offspring, but the progenitor is still alive."

"It's here. Underground," said Deidara. He looked toward the burrow. "Shit," he and Sasori looked at each other before they both hurried over to the burrow. They leaned over the edge of the hole.

"Hey!" Deidara yelled.

Susan and Zetsu looked up at them. "Is everything all right up there?" said Susan.

"All clear, un."

Susan stood up and looked at Zetsu. "We're only a few feet from the surface," she said. "Would you mind giving me a boost?"

Zetsu stretched out his arms and formed a stirrup with his hands. Susan braced her hands on his shoulders and was about to put her foot in his cupped hands when several blue threads attached themselves to Susan's arms and shoulders. Sasori jerked her upwards and Susan flew up and out of the hole like a ragdoll. She found herself spinning in the air before she plummeted toward the ground.

"Oh my God," she maintained enough control to cover her eyes. Another powerful jerk pulled her upward once more and she felt her stomach float towards her throat before she landed hard on her feet. The threads detached and she rowed her arms in circles to keep her balance. Sasori planted a hand on her back to keep her from falling over.

"That was not exactly a boost but thank you for the heart attack," said Susan, bending over and putting her hands on her knees. She looked down and saw a charred piece of meat by her foot. It looked like a ribcage, but it was so badly burned that she wasn't sure what part of the anatomy it could have come from.

"Oh, man," she said, looking around at aftermath of the explosion. And then the charcoal smell of cooked meat and burnt hair hit her. She sank down and lowered her head between her knees. "I think I'm going to throw up."

"Suck it up," said Kakuzu. "We still have a job to do here."

Susan glared over her shoulder at him, but she held her tongue and straightened herself up. She half-heartedly patted Deidara on the shoulder before she noticed that she was touching gooey piece of something that looked like raw liver on his cloak hand and she used his sleeve to wipe it off her hand. "It looks like you did a pretty good job of," she paused and looked around, swallowing a gag caught in her throat, "whatever you just did here."

Deidara didn't look encouraged by her comment. He turned toward the others with his hands on his hips. "Would it kill anybody to offer some positive feedback?" he said.

"That would be like praising a dog for licking its own balls," said Hidan. "Which I hear you like to do in your spare time."

Deidara growled through clenched teeth and jabbed a finger in his direction. "You know what else I'd enjoy doing in my spare time? Removing your spine through your ass," he said, taking a step toward Hidan, but Susan and Sasori grabbed his arms.

"You guys can tear each other's spines out another time. Right now we still have a monster to kill," said Susan.

"But where is it?" said Kisame.

"It's in the earth," said Pain.

"You think all that racket would have caused it to come up and see what's going on," said Susan.

"Perhaps it knows better than to do so," said Itachi, who had been silent up until now. Everyone stirred at his emergence in the conversation. His red eyes had taken on a light of their own in the dark, making him look owlish as he swiftly turned his head, sensing something.

"What is it?" said Sasori.

Itachi laid a finger over his lips, indicating for silence. Everyone remained completely still except for Susan, who looked around at the others confusedly. She turned to Sasori and gently shoved her shoulder against his.

"What is going on?" she whispered.

Sasori looked away from her and his eyes grew a bit wider. He raised his arm and pointed at something in front of them. Susan followed his pointed finger and saw a puddle of dark liquid growing on the ground. It looked like it was seeping out of the earth, but then she noticed a piece of carcass just a few feet away dissolving into the same dark substance. It looked like blood, but it moved like liquid mercury, barely leaving a trail as it flowed toward the growing puddle.

"What is that?" said Susan, her voice rising above a whisper. She slowly slipped her arm around Sasori's, hanging on to him like an anchor as she leaned as far forward as was physically possible.

"Tissue regeneration," said Pain. "Just as I feared."

"What the hell are you talking about?" Susan demanded.

"Regeneration is the last step towards the threshold of perfection," said Pain.

Susan still didn't understand what he was talking about. "In layman's terms, please," she said.

"This new genus of offspring will surpass its progenitor in imitation," said Pain, "and revival."

"Wait a minute," Susan let go of Sasori's arm and came closer to Pain. "Wait a goddamn minute here. Are you telling me that these things are indestructible?"

"Indestructible is one way to put it," said Pain. "Un-killable is more accurate."

"What's the difference?" said Susan.

The puddle had grown to the point where Kisame and Itachi had to back up to avoid contact with the strange goo. A bony arm reached out of the bubbling mass and landed on the ground, dragging a large skull attached to an unformed spine out of the pool. Another arm appeared, its shoulder jutting upward like a spire as the thing tried to lift its head, but instead it lumbered and collapsed, its jaws snapping open and closed against the ground. Its sharp teeth grew in as its snout elongated and widened. Its ribs formed, joining at the sternum and filling with pulsingling organs while strings of muscle and blood vessels wrapped around the bone like creeping vines. The creature had grown to the size of a minivan.

"It's growing on its own," said Susan. "Look!"

The creature's hind legs appeared, now fully covered in a bulky layer of muscle and spider webs of veins and arteries that fed off the puddle of goo. Long, sharp ears appeared and a wet nose grew out of the bare nostrils in the skull. A long, drooling tongue lolled out from between its jaws. Pale eyes rolled around in its head, taking on a purple pigment as they focused on one ninja and then another. A low growl rumbled in its throat as its eyes settled on Susan.

Sasori looked at Susan, then at the creature. It turned its eyes to Deidara and growled again, louder this time, like a semi truck in idle. Sasori leaned in close to his partner. "You're marked," he told Deidara.

"I know," said Deidara impatiently, never taking his eyes off the creature. "What do you suggest we do?"

"Nip this thing in the bud before it grows skin," said Sasori, reaching inside his cloak.

"We have to keep it from completing the regeneration process," said Konan, whipping out handfuls of paper and fanning them out like playing cards in her hands.

"There are two more," said Kakuzu. "On our three o'clock and nine o'clock."

"I've got this," said Kisame. He lifted his sword and choked the hilt in both hands like a baseball bat. "Front and center!" he yelled, charging at the first creature with his sword raised above his head. He swung Samehada and struck the creature across the face, snapping its head to the side and flipping it onto its back where it floundered like a turtle knocked on its shell.

Kisame raised his sword and prepared to slam it down on the creature's head when its elongated neck twisted around in an unnatural way and its jaws opened. Slimy tentacles shot out of its mouth and they wrapped around Samehada, tightening with the sharp sound of a whip crack and pulling the sword out of Kisame's grasp. The creature dragged Samehada toward its waiting mouth.

"I wouldn't eat that if I were you," said Kisame.

Iron gray spikes exploded out of the bandages, cutting through the fleshy pink tentacles that leaked a milky substance. It sizzled like acid and Samehada squirmed and squealed in the puddle of milky solvent.

The second creature advanced on Sasori, who unrolled a scroll and summoned the Third Kazekage. The creature swung its slimy muscular arm at the puppet, and with one flick of Sasori's middle finger, the Kazekage produced a sword from underneath its bedraggled robe and blocked the blow, the blade cutting clear down to the bone. The creature let out a strangled howl but did not relent, pushing harder against the sword in an attempt to overpower the puppet.

"Deidara," said Sasori. "Get out of here."

"Hmm?" Deidara tossed the lapels of his cloak aside and reach inside his clay satchels. "No way, danna."

"Take Susan-san and get away from here," said Sasori. He glanced at his partner with ice in his eyes. "Do it!"

The third creature was enduring a whirlwind of paper cuts as Konan fought to keep it at bay. Hidan was in the middle of the fray swinging wildly at the creature while Kakuzu yelled curses at him as he dodged the scythe while trying to deal a blow to the creature with his kunai.

"You idiot! What are you doing?" Kakuzu ducked under the scythe as it swung his way.

"Trying to cut this thing's head off. What in the fuck are you doing?" snapped Hidan.

"Trying not to get _my_ head cut off by your moronically inaccurate attacks," said Kakuzu. "Why don't you learn how to handle that damn thing instead of swinging it around like it was your dick?"

"Fuck you, I'm doing a hell of a lot better than you are with that little kunai of yours, dick-less," returned Hidan.

Konan grabbed Susan by the arm and pushed her back, keeping her other hand raised to hold her paper jutsu. "You shouldn't be here," she told Susan.

"I know," said Susan. "But it's _your fault_," she said, glaring at a passive-looking Pain, "for bringing me into this. And what are you doing just standing there while your girlfriend does all the fighting?" she barked at him.

"He can't fight now," said Konan.

"Over the past few days, my body has slowly been weakening," said Pain. "I only have enough power to perform one jutsu."

"You can still fight with your fists," said Susan. "How much chakra does it take to choke a guy out?"

Deidara ran up to them and grabbed Susan's other arm, pulling her away from Konan. "We're getting out of here," he said.

"Wait, what?" Susan dug her heels into the ground. "We can't just leave these guys here."

"They'll be fine. We're the ones who are in deep shit. Hmm." He dragged her along and Susan had to jog to keep up.

"What are you talking about?" she said.

"We were marked by that creature. It'll be coming for us. They'll all be coming for us," said Deidara.

"Okay, now I'm really scared," said Susan as they started running. "Why would it mark us?"

"I don't know. Perhaps there's something it doesn't like about us."

"Oh, you think?" said Susan. Deidara cast an annoyed glance over his shoulder at her. Susan could still hear the battle going on behind them. However, she heard a particularly loud yell from none other than Hidan.

"Hey, fuck-fist! You better pick up that sweet ass and get moving because hurt's on the way!" called the Jahinist, who was following closely behind the creature that had broken loose from Konan's jutsu and was now galloping towards Susan and Deidara at breakneck speed.

"Sweet ass?" Susan stopped and turned around but was suddenly grabbed up by Deidara and flung over his shoulder like a mink wrap.

"He means you," said Deidara, patting her butt as he took off in a dead run. "…I think."

"Get your hand off my butt," said Susan, lifting herself up in time to see the skinless creature closing in on them from behind with tentacles waving out of its mouth. She then started smacking Deidara in the rear in an attempt to spur him on. "Move your ass, buddy. It's gaining on us!"

"Hyaaaa ha ha ha ha ha!" Hidan leapt onto the creature's back and planted the blades of his scythe in its side, but the creature grunted and kept running, huffing and puffing through its nose like a racehorse.

The clearing disappeared and the trees were growing tighter together. Susan was getting scraped raw by brambles and sharp tree branches. She covered her head with her arms and peeked out at the creature, which had slowed down and dropped back with Hidan's weight on its back. Deidara pumped his legs faster until he was almost skipping off the ground. He looked up at the canopy of trees and growled in frustration.

"If there were a break in these trees, I could get us out of here on a bird," he said.

"Then I suggest you climb," yelled Susan, her voice going up and down like a yo-yo as she bounced on his shoulder.

Deidara heeded her suggestion and darted to the side, his foot touching on one tree trunk and then another as he zigzagged from tree to tree, gaining more height as he did so.

"Going up!" called Hidan as the creature followed Deidara, bending each tree sideways with its weight as it copied Deidara's pattern of movement.

Deidara looked down between his feet and saw that they were still being pursued. "Can't you slit that thing's throat and be done with it?" he yelled at Hidan.

"If I could get my scythe out of it, I would," said Hidan. He grunted and tried to yank the blades out of the monster, but its flesh was healing over it. "Argh! Fuck! You fucking motherfucker!" He pulled hard and managed to dislodge his scythe from the putrid-looking thing.

"Screw this. Hmm. I'm done running," said Deidara, opening his clenched hand and holding up a clay bird. He chucked it down below and made a hand sign. The bird opened its wings and spiraled toward the creature with Hidan riding on its back.

"What are you doing?" said Susan. "I don't think Hidan would appreciate being blown up."

"Who cares? No one will miss that idiot," said Deidara as he climbed higher.

"He's only trying to help," said Susan.

"Hidan doesn't help people. He kills them," said Deidara, "For fun."

"Deidara, I am warning you. I will ignore you for the rest of your stay if you blow him up," said Susan. "I don't care how big an asshole he is. If you do it, you're an even bigger asshole. You'll be lower than rat shit."

Grumbling through clenched teeth, Deidara dropped his hand and the clay bird melted away. Susan could have relaxed at that moment, but the creature was still on their tail. Hidan shimmied up the creature's back and brought the blade of his scythe around its neck. With a quick yank, he made a deep cut across its neck. The blade cut through corded muscle and then bone, severing the spine. The creature's head fell back like a flap to reveal long, worm-like tendrils that slithered out and surged towards Deidara's legs.

Susan saw them coming and yanked on a lock of Deidara's hair. "Look out!"

It was too late to react as one of the tentacles wrapped around Deidara's ankle and pulled him off the branch. Susan slid out of Deidara's grasp as he tipped backwards and they both crashed through layers of brittle tree branches. Susan screamed and flailed as she was slapped in the face by leaves and pricked by splinters. The collar of her shirt caught on something but tore before it could hold her weight. It seemed as though she was going to meet her end as a pancake on the forest floor when someone swooped in and grabbed her, curling their body around Susan and somersaulting onto the ground. They stopped rolling and Susan opened her eyes to find that she was on her back with someone on top of her. She turned her head and was surprised to see Konan above her.

"I can't believe I'm alive," she gasped, trying to sit up, but Konan laid a hand on her chest and pushed her back down.

"Stay down," said Konan.

Susan felt the tall grass ticking her face and neck and tried to look around, but she couldn't see beyond the undergrowth. "Wha—"

Konan put a hand over her mouth and quickly flattened herself over Susan, her eyes wide and scanning, listening for footfalls. Susan felt the thump-thump of four legs shaking the ground and she wrapped her fingers around Konan's wrist, looking up at the female ninja. Sirens wailed in the distance and Susan figured they were on their way to the park. No one could have ignored that explosion. She wouldn't have been surprised if the fire department showed up.

Something came tearing through the brush and Konan took her hand away from Susan's mouth and whipped a handful of papers out of her sleeve. Susan stared at the seemingly ordinary sheets of origami paper and wondered what on Earth Konan was going to do next. Konan let go of the papers and they folded themselves together to form a short sword.

Diedara poked his head out of the brush and spotted the two women. He looked at Konan and mouthed something to her, pointing his thumb over his shoulder. Konan nodded and crawled off of Susan, turning her head towards her and putting a finger to her lips. Susan nodded and stayed perfectly still, though her heart continued to rattle away in her chest. All three of them stayed still for a minute, listening for the voices of their comrades and sounds of battle in the distance. Deidara crawled over to Susan and dug around in one of his pockets. He pulled out a red pill that looked like a vitamin and held it out to Susan. She shook her head at him, furrowing her brow.

"_What is that?" _she whispered.

He shook his head and offered the pill to her once more, but she pushed his hand away. He scooted closer to her and pinched her nose. Susan grabbed onto his wrist and opened her mouth to protest when he shoved the pill into her mouth. She chomped on his fingers and he jerked his hand away. Susan spit the pill out onto her chest.

"What the hell is it?" she demanded.

"Your nose is bleeding," said Deidara, barely keeping his voice below a whisper. "The pill contains a coagulant among other things."

Startled, Susan reached up and touched her nostrils. Her fingers came away damp with fresh blood. Horrified, she looked up at Deidara, who picked up the pill and rested it on her closed lips. Assuming that massive hemorrhaging was not something she wanted if she was going to be running for her life, she slowly opened her mouth and accepted the pill.

"Chew it up," said Deidara, and Susan did as she was told.

It tasted like she had bitten into a jalapeno pepper. It burned so severely that tears rose in Susan's eyes. Instantly, she felt like she had been kicked in the head by the caffeine fairy. Everything seemed brighter and her body felt as though it were ten pounds lighter.

"What else was in that pill?" she asked.

"Herbs."

"What kind of herbs?" Susan lifted her hand and looked at it as if she had never seen a hand before. She could see the blue glow of her veins like fallen branches under ice and she could hear her own heart beating. Hell, she could hear Deidara's heart beating right next to her.

"What does it matter?" said Deidara. "It'll make you more alert. Hmm."

"Oh my God, I think I just took a narcotic," said Susan, sitting up and looking at Deidara. "Why would you give me drugs at a time like this?" she said loudly.

"Shut up," said Deidara. "It's only a stimulant."

"Both of you shut up," said Konan. "Something's coming."

Deidara grabbed Susan by the collar of her shirt and pulled her back down. Something stirred in the tall grass and Konan crouched low, ready to attack whatever was coming with her paper sword. Like a boomerang, Hidan's scythe flew out of nowhere and impaled itself if the ground between Susan's feet, causing her to curl up and emit a muffled scream.

"Are you fools gonna sit there all night or what?" said Hidan as he strolled up to them and rested an elbow on the handle of his scythe, looking like he had been waiting for them all evening.

"Where is the creature?" said Konan.

"I killed it," said Hidan.

"No way," said Susan.

"After I get through with 'em, they stay dead," said Hidan, ripping his scythe out of the ground and lugging it onto his shoulder. Konan followed him over to where the body of the skinless creature lay in pieces. Its legs had been severed and its body cut in half. Its head was in disarray with eyes closed and jaw dislocated and spread wide.

Susan and Deidara joined them and stared at the carcass. "It doesn't look like a rabbit anymore," said Susan, daring to kneel down near the severed head. "It almost looks like a dog or something."

"Dead meat is what it looks like," said Hidan.

The sirens were close now. Realizing what was coming, Susan stood up and stumbled back. She turned around and quickly started walking away.

"Where are you going?" said Deidara.

"You hear those sirens? That means the cops are here and probably the fire department," said Susan. "Someone must have heard the explosion and called the fuzz."

"So?" said Hidan.

Susan stopped and spun around, looking at the three ninjas like they were complete idiots. "I can't believe I have to explain this to you again. Do you want to stick around here and get arrested? Or shot? Or tasered?"

Deidara and Hidan looked at each other, then at her. "No," they said in unison, shaking their heads. "What's a taser?" asked Deidara.

"Forget it. We have to find the others and get out of here before the cops find us," said Susan.

"They're this way," said Konan, pointing the way before heading off in that direction. Susan and the others followed. After Konan and Hidan took off in a run, Deidara turned to her and held out his arms.

"What?" Susan asked.

"You can't run worth a damn," said Deidara. "I'll carry you."

Susan came towards him, stumbling and wide-eyed in her wired state, but then she stopped. "Piggyback," she said. "Or I'm walking."

Deidara sniffed in irritation and turned around, crouching a bit for her to climb on. He supported her legs with his arms and she wrapped her arms around his neck. "You owe me for saving your ass yet again. Hmm," said Deidara.

Susan sighed and smacked her chin on his shoulder, spitting a peice of his hair out of her face. "What could you possibly want from me?"

"A date," said Deidara, "and breakfast in bed the morning after."

"Tell you what. I'll cook you breakfast but I won't sleep with you," said Susan, seeing that his headband was a bit loose and tugging it more securely onto his head as they took off in the direction they came from.

Unknown to them, the supposedly dead creature began to stir and pull its severed self together.

Meanwhile…

"Let me get this straight," said the officer as he stood in front of Mark and Robert with little flip notebook in his hand. "You two were just out here for a walk when you heard this explosion."

Mark and Robert looked at each other. "Yeah," said Robert. "That's what we said."

Tobi had run off to hide before the squad car arrived and he was currently peeking out from behind a tree several yards away. Mark spotted his orange mask over the cop's shoulder and gestured wildly at Tobi to get back behind the tree. The cop looked up in time to see Mark waving his hand before Mark noticed him staring and put his hand down. The cop looked over his shoulder, then back at Mark.

"You see something out there, son?" he asked.

"Nope," said Mark, smiling as if he didn't know what the officer was talking about. "Just swatting a mosquito," he said, smacking the back of his neck and then scratching it.

The officer looked suspiciously at him before looking back down at his note pad. "Mm-hmm," he said, sounding unconvinced. He looked at Robert as he tucked his pen into his shirt pocket and reached for a little item that looked like an ear thermometer on his belt. "Sir, if you'd step forward, I'm going to have to submit you to a Breathalyzer test," he said, holding up the Breathalyzer apparatus.

Robert came forward and blew into the machine. Satisfied with evidence that Robert had not been drinking, the officer turned to Mark. "You too, little man," he said, changing the mouthpiece and offering it to Mark, who blew into the machine as well.

After checking to make sure that he was seeing 0.0 on the Breathalyzer, the officer put it away. "Okay now. From the top," he said, turning back to Robert. "What are you doing out at ten o'clock with a kid who is of no relation to you."

"He's my girlfriend's brother," said Robert. "We go for night walks all the time."

"Your sister know you're out here with him?" the cop asked Mark.

"Yeah," said Mark.

"And where exactly did the explosion occur?" said the cop.

"Over there," said Robert, pointing towards the woods where a faint cloud of smoke still hung in the air.

"Looks more like someone's been shooting off fireworks," said the officer. "At least that's what the complaint call said it sounded like."

"It must have been," said Robert, nodding agreeably.

"You wouldn't know who could be out here doing that, now would you?" said the officer.

"No," said Robert. "I'm telling you we don't really know what happened. All we heard was a loud boom and then we saw a bright flash in the woods."

The officer put his little notebook away and adjusted his gun belt. "I think a vehicle search is in order," he said. "Let's start with the trunk."

Robert bowed his head to hide his frustration and dug around in his pocket for his keys while Mark glanced nervously at the woods. Hopefully the others were having more success than they were. That is, if they were still alive.

The cop was waiting for Robert to open the trunk of the car when suddenly a shrill screech rose in the air. Robert dropped his keys and covered his ears and Mark clutched his head. The officer turned around and took off his tinted glasses, his eyes growing wide.

"Holy crap in hell."

* * *

It gets better. The Akatsuki are in for a wild ride when someone reveals a hidden talent while others discover new ones in the heat of battle. Plus someone is going to get tasered. Can you guess who?

Reviews are like potato chips. You can't stop at one. I eat them for breakfast lunch and dinner.

Later!

- DP


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